Monday, February 25, 2013          Edition: #4928

Bully For You!

BS is back! All “Bull Sheet” subscribers have received account credits for missed service during our annual mid-Winter hiatus.

• Last night’s Oscar losers will at least receive a consolation prize today when their $45,000-plus goody bags assembled by Distinctive Assets are delivered. Among the trinkets included: $12,000-trip to Australia; $8,000-stay in Mexico; $4,000-weight loss retreat; and an $1,800-membership to the luxury lounge at London’s Heathrow Airport. There are also some oddball gifts such as ‘Circus Classes’; branded condoms; and a ‘Vampire Facelift’. (They come and peel him off your neck?)
– ABC News
• “Modern Family” star Sofia Vergara reportedly missed the “Academy Awards” due to last-minute hospitalization for an unannounced malady that required  surgery. The 40-year-old Colombian actress was scheduled for a red carpet appearance before the ceremony and expected to later appear at Madonna’s afterparty. Vergara’s rep has not yet revealed the nature of the problem. (Can’t be good if it made her miss Hollywood’s big night out.)
– “Mail Online”
• Saturday night Rihanna won a “Razzie Award” as ‘Worst Supporting Actress’ for her debut movie role in the sci-fi flick “Battleship”. Otherwise, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2” swept the ‘honors’, earning 7 ‘wins’ in the annual contest for the worst movies and performances of the year. In fact, its entire cast earned recognition for ‘Worst Screen Ensemble’. (The now filthy rich producers have 829 million reasons not to give a damn.)
– “Jam! Showbiz”
• “Glee” star Jane Lynch is hosting the new NBC-TV game show “Hollywood Game Night”, which will pit A-list contestants against ordinary schlubs in a cocktail-party atmosphere. The show promises a loose, festive atmosphere with flowing drinks, passed hors d’oeuvres, and a live house band. One of 2 non-celebrity contestants will win a cash prize at the end of each episode. (By ‘A-list’, we’re guessing they mean child stars of the ‘70s and ‘80s.)
• And 58-year-old former pop star Jermaine Jackson (that’s s-o-n) has managed to officially change his name to Jermaine Jacksun (that’s s-u-n) … for ‘artistic reasons. He originally filed a petition for the change in November. He did not attend the court ruling as he’s currently on tour in Europe with his 3 surviving brothers, performing as The Jacksons – that’s s-o-n-s. (Yeah, Jacksun instead of Jackson, that’s really different … especially on radio.).

• “Beyoncé: Life Is But a Dream” (HBO) – Rerun of the biographical profile of the life and career of the singer, entrepreneur, and actress. The original airing generated HBO’s highest-ever ratings for a documentary.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Ryan Bingham (“Tomorrowland”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Emmylou Harris w/Rodney Crowell (“Old Yellow Moon”, out tomorrow).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Robert Randolph w/The Slide Brothers (“Live In Concert”).

• Aerosmith – In a new interview, Steven Tyler admits that he’s blown between 5-and–6 million-dollars-worth of drugs, and “snorted half of Peru”.
• Chris Brown – His rep has confirmed to MTV News that he and Rihanna are working on new music together. His 6th studio album is set to be released later this year. Title and exact release date have not yet been announced.
• David Bowie – His guitarist Gerry Leonard tells “Rolling Stone” the odds are 50/50 on whether Bowie will do a tour to promote his new album, “The Next Day”, which drops March 12th.
• Elton John – He may be one of a number of top-selling artists to perform at HMV stores, in a bid to save the record store chain.
• Frank Ocean – He recently told “New York Times Magazine” he was moving to Shanghai for 2 years to write new music and finish a novel. It would seem plans have changed. Now he says he intends to pack his home studio in road cases and take it all to Bora Bora to work.
• Hunter Hayes – He’s atop this week’s ‘Billboard Hot Country Songs’ chart with “Wanted”.
• Jonas Bros – After a 4-year gap since their last album, 2009’s “Lines, Vines and Trying Times”, they’ve finished their newest album. No title or release date has been announced.
• Led Zeppelin – In an interview on Australia’s “60 Minutes”, Robert Plant appears open to the idea of reuniting with the band next year. Quote: “I’ve got nothing to do in 2014.”
• Norah Jones – Last night she performed “Everybody Needs a Best Friend”, the theme song from the movie comedy “Ted”, at the Oscar ceremony.
• Pearl Jam – Their debut album “Ten” has joined the prestigious Diamond award club, for sales of over 10 million units. Released in 1991, it’s the 22nd album to reach that milestone.
• Zac Brown Band – Yesterday they performed in the warm-up show prior to the start of the 55th annual “Daytona 500″ at Florida’s Daytona International Speedway. Band member and solo recording artist Clay Cook sang the pre-race anthem.

A forbidden cultural import during the Cold War, swing music and rock ‘n roll are now seeing a jump in popularity among Russians who are embracing retro Americana. One dance instructor says she’s seen a 10-fold hike over the past decade in the number of Muscovites wanting to twist and shout. Nowadays she arranges ‘Lindy Hop’ dance parties that draw hundreds of dancers. For some, she says, it’s about more than just the dancing, it’s also about the cars and fashion. (Elsewhere, the popularity of the Lindy Hop as a dance declined after World War II.)
– “Christian Science Monitor”

Not only is Japan’s life expectancy the world’s highest (82.6 years), but healthy life expectancy – the number of years spent in good health – is also tops. Japanese men, for instance, can expect 79.3 years of good health, 10.5 years above the global average. So what’s the secret? A recent University of Tokyo analysis has found some clues: the healthy Japanese diet; regular health screening; and a falling incidence of high blood pressure as the country encourages reduced salt consumption while increasing the availability of anti-hypertensive medicines. (We say it’s the raw eel sushi.)

Park rangers in the Florida Everglades are offering visitors loaner bungee cords and tarps to protect their cars from marauding vultures. The big black birds apparently have a taste for automotive rubber, including window seals and wiper blades, and have been known to strip a parked car clean in a matter of hours. The rangers admit it’s not known exactly when and why they do it, and why they choose one vehicle over another. What is known is that the black vultures fly into the Everglades every Winter. (But these ‘snowbirds’ aren’t welcome.)
– “Miami Herald”

What is it about lack of sleep that makes us look so ragged? Medical experts at the Mayo Clinic note several factors. If you do not have healthy collagen in your skin due to chronic stress and sleeplessness, you end up with baggy skin under your eyes. And stress can also lead to less melanin, causing that jaundiced, haggard look. Melanin pigments the skin, giving humans their complexion. When the body is unable to rejuvenate it at night due to lack of sleep, dark circles and bags appear under the eyes. (When you Google this, you get a photo of [co-host].)
– “Globe & Mail”

Aircraft maker Boeing has come up with an unusual substitute for human passengers in order to test its in-flight wi-fi system … potatoes. For experiments, passenger seats on a decommissioned plane have been loaded with huge sacks of spuds for several days as signal strengths are checked. The company’s researchers say that potatoes ‘interact’ with electronic signals in a similar way to humans. The technique also takes advantage of the fact that taters – unlike humans – never get bored. (Turns out their favorite website is YouTuber.)
– BBC News

The average North American uses more than 20,000 sheets of toilet paper a year.
– “New Scientist”


1965 [48] Carrot Top (Scott Thompson), Rockledge FL, clown-haired comedian who relies on wacky props/bad cosmetic surgery victim

1966 [47] Tea Léoni, NYC, movie actress (“Fun With Dick & Jane”, “Jurassic Park III”)/long-suffering wife of actor David Duchovny

1971 [42] Daniel Powter, Vernon BC, one-hit-wonder pop singer (“Bad Day”)

1971 [42] Sean Astin, Santa Monica CA, movie actor (“Lord Of the Rings” trilogy, “50 First Dates”)

1975 [38] Chelsea Handler, Livingston NJ, comedian/TV host (“Chelsea Lately” since 2007)

1976 [37] Rashida Jones, LA CA, TV actress (“Parks & Recreation” since 2009, “The Office” 2006-09)/movie actress (“I Love You, Man”, “Little Black Book”)

• “Clam Chowder Day”, a day to add a little heat to your Winter with a bit of bacon, onion, and flour; some diced potatoes and a can of clams, simmered in clam juice and milk. Add lots of black pepper. Nummers!

• “Don’t Utter a Word Day”, because the world is made up of talkers and listeners … and the listeners need a rest.

• “Lumberjack Day”, honoring a tough job that’s become a popular sport … logging games.

• “Snow Moon”, the Full Moon of February, so-named by native tribes of the north and east because the heaviest snow usually falls during this month. It was also referred to as the ‘Hunger Moon’, since harsh weather made hunting difficult.

2004 [09] Mel Gibson’s controversial film “The Passion Of the Christ” is independently released in about 2,000 theaters (thanks to grassroots promotion, the $30-million film goes on to gross over $600 million worldwide)

1963 [50] The Beatles release their 1st single in America, “Please Please Me/Ask Me Why” on Vee-Jay Records

2009 [04] Calling his music ‘the soundtrack of my youth’, US president Barack Obama presents Stevie Wonder with the Library of Congress’ “Gershwin Prize”

1940 [73] 1st ‘Televised Hockey Game’ (NY Rangers vs Montréal Canadiens on W2XBS-TV in NYC)

1896 [117] ‘Largest Chicken Egg’ on record is laid by a Black Minorca hen in England (the 5-yolk egg weighs nearly 12 ounces and measures 12.25 inches around the long axis and 9 inches around the short axis)

[Tues] Personal Chefs Day
[Tues] World Spay Day
[Wed] Inconvenience Yourself Day
[Thurs] Floral Design Day
[Thurs] Chili Day
[Thurs] Tooth Fairy Day

Eating Disorders Awareness Week / Peace Corps Week / Secondhand Wardrobe Week / Telecommuter Appreciation Week


Highlight bits culled from 19 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
Just like on TV, you supply the answer and your contestant offers an appropriate question. When they can’t, you hit ‘em with the zinger …
• The answer is ‘mace’.
[The question is: Why does Chris Brown cry during a date?]
• Old wives’ tale.
[What do cannibals find hard to digest?]
• Flyswatter.
[What do you call a sadistic tailor?]
• The answer is ‘what what?’
[What does a confused owl say?]
• Rosy red cheeks.
[What do you get when you squat on a rosy red fire?]
• The Orient Express.
[What do you call a drink made with soy sauce & prune juice?]
• Until he gets caught.
[How long does a banking CEO keep his job?]
• The answer is ‘Peter Pan’.
[What do you use to fry a peter?]
• The answer is kumquat.
[What do you say when calling your quat?]
• The answer is ‘Hi diddle dee’.
[How do you say Good Morning to your diddle dee?]
– First published in “BS” 2009.

You read the story line-by-line while a caller or studio guest provides appropriate sound effects as best they can. Today’s story is “The Birthday Party” …
The doorbell rings as guests arrive for your 8-year-old’s birthday party [SFX]. Your daughter and her friends scream when they see each other [SFX]. The goofy clown you hired tries to make the kids laugh [SFX]. He accomplishes the opposite [SFX]. Time to play ‘Pin the Tail on the Donkey’, so you blindfold a kid and spin her around, making her really, really dizzy [SFX]. She ends up pinning the tail on you [SFX]. After everyone sings “Happy Birthday” [SFX], all the kids help blow out the candles [SFX], then argue about who gets a piece with a flower on it [SFX]. And lucky you – you end up with the piece with birthday girl’s spit all over it [SFX].
– First published in “BS” 1999.

I live in my own little world but it’s OK, everyone knows me here.

In a Roper-Starch survey, 37% of men admit they like the change of pace when they travel on business. How many women say they relish the change?
a. 5%
b. 15%
c. Over 50% [CORRECT]

☎ If you had the chance to start any business, what would it be?

Question: A new study suggests the smell of THIS makes us ‘kinder’.
Answer: Baking bread.

The world gets better every day … then worse again in the evening.

BS welcomes new subscribers Nathan Carr @ Variety 104 [CKLG] Cornwall ON, Canada; and Aleem Manji @ EastFM Nairobi, Kenya; as well as samplers this week who include Jay Burnell @ Fresh 92.7 [5FBI] Adelaide SA, Australia, John Scott @ Radio Vida [KVVO] Abilene TX, USA; Matt Hatton @ Radio Dacorum, Hemel Hempstead UK; Mel Reno @ Eagle 94.3 [WEGI] Clarksville TN, USA; and Graham Pickles @ Rag Radio Production, Archiestown, Scotland.

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