Tuesday, February 7, 2017 – Edition: #5906

Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!

★ Miranda Kerr says she’s abstaining from sex before wedding her tech-billionaire fiancé Evan Spiegel. The 33-year-old Australian model met the 26-year-old Snapchat co-founder in 2014, and are planning to wed later this year. Kerr explains that they’ve yet to be fully intimate because her future hubby’s traditional beliefs demand they save themselves until after marriage. Despite Spiegel being the world’s youngest self-made billionaire, Kerr claims she had no clue who he was when they first met at a dinner organized by fashion brand Louis Vuitton.
– “The Times”
★ Rocker Josh Homme says he tried to stop actor-turned-director Colin Hanks (son of Tom) from making a Bataclan documentary for HBO. The Queens Of the Stone Age frontman, who occasionally tours with Eagles of Death Metal, was supposed to be playing with the band at the Paris music venue November 13, 2015 but changed plans at the last minute, missing the terror attack that killed 89 people and injured dozens more. Hanks’ documentary about the tragedy, “Eagles of Death Metal: Nos Amis (Our Friends)”, follows the band’s return to Paris to perform there in February last year. Homme says the film is just too hard to watch.
– “Entertainment Tonight”
★ After stealing the Super Bowl from the Falcons, Tom Brady told Patriots owner Robert Kraft that HE himself had been hit by a thief – accusing someone of jacking his game jersey. Kraft was in the locker room handing out victory cigars to the players, when Brady voiced his issue to the boss. Kraft didn’t seem to care too much, saying: “Well, you better look online.” It would seem logical the shirt worn by Brady when he won his record 5th Super Bowl would be worth a ton. But good news, the jersey has been found! Seems a Patriots equipment manager took the jersey and put it in a safe place for Tom – so it wasn’t stolen after all.
– TMZ.com

• “Ellen” (syndicated/CTV2) – Swedish singer Zara Larsson f/Ty Dolla $ign (“So Good”).
• “Imposters” (Bravo/W) – Series debut, starring Inbar Lavi as a beautiful but dangerous con artist who robs unwitting people of everything. But things change when 3 of her former targets team up to track her down. Later in the series, Uma Thurman appears in a guest-starring role.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Charli XCX (“After the Afterparty”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Band of Skulls (“By Default”).
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Reba McEntire (“Sing It Now: Songs of Faith & Hope”).
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – Avett Bros (“True Sadness”).
• “Michael Bolton’s Big Sexy Valentine’s Day Special” (Netflix) – Today the release of a variety special starring the overwrought balladeer alongside guests that include Andy Samberg, Sarah Silverman, Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph, Michael Sheen, and Randall Park among others.
• “The Real” (syndicated) – Keyshia Cole f/French Montana (“You”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – The Band Perry (“My Bad Imagination”, coming soon).

• Beyoncé – Her father, Matthew Knowles, claims she’s also performing at the Grammy Awards later this month as well as April’s Coachella festival.
• Bush – Their 7th studio album, “Black and White Rainbows”, is being released on March 10th. It’s their first new release in 3 years, since 2014’s “Man On the Run”.
• Ed Sheeran – He’s confirmed to perform at the 2017 Brit Awards on February 22nd at the O2 Arena in London.
• Lady Gaga – She’s announced a 48-date world tour in support of her latest album, “Joanne”. The 30-year-old kicks off her run of dates at Vancouver BC’s Rogers Arena on August 1st.
• Kanye West – His wife Kim Kardashian wants him to perform the Super Bowl half-time show in 2018. The idea apparently hatched with a post on Kanye’s fansite. (Naw. A 20-minute rant at half-time would not go over well.)
• Metallica – 53-year-old James Hetfield has been put on vocal rest by his doctor, forcing the band to reschedule weekend shows in Copenhagen, Denmark. The dates have been postponed to September 2nd.
• Nickelback – They’re releasing their 9th studio album, “Feed the Machine”, on June 9th and touring in support of it beginning June 23rd in Noblesville IN.
• Paramore – Drummer Zac Farro has rejoined the band after exiting 7 years ago. Farro and his brother Josh left Paramore in 2010 over ongoing conflict with singer Hayley Williams, but now the band has posted an announcement simply saying: “Zac’s Back”.

Coming out on DVD, Netflix, Google Play and/or other video providers …
• “Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man” ( NR Biography ): Narrated by the late Cohen himself, this documentary is an intimate portrait of a truly singular artist – poet, songwriter, cultural icon – and features performances of his songs by Jarvis Cocker, Martha Wainwright, Nick Cave, Rufus Wainwright, and U2 among others.
• “Loving” ( PG-13 Drama ): Based on the true story of Richard & Mildred Loving, an interracial couple, whose challenge of their arrest for their controversial 1958 marriage in Virginia led to a legal battle to fight for their love which would eventually go all the way to the US Supreme Court. Stars Joel Edgerton & Ruth Negga.
• “Trolls” ( PG Animated Family Adventure ): Mike Mitchell (“Shrek Ever After”) co-directs this quest story that determines the fate of ‘Troll Town’. Working against type, Justin Timberlake voices the lead role, playing a grumpy troll survivalist. Anna Kendrick’s troll princess provides an upbeat giddiness that contrasts with the sarcasm of Timberlake’s character.
• Also being released: “Cameraperson” (Documentary); “Dirty Dancing 30th Anniversary” (Re-Release); “The Eagle Huntress” (Documentary); “From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series – Season 3” (TV); “Graves: Season 1” (TV); “Justice League Dark” (Animation); “Nerdland” (Animated Comedy); “Sesame Street: Singing With the Stars 2” (Kids); and “Vice Principals: The Complete 1st Season” (TV).

A study from Australia’s Flinders University finds that a 10-minute afternoon nap significantly improves alertness, energy and productivity while reducing fatigue. The energy increase is felt immediately upon awakening and the after-glow lasts up to 155 minutes … over 2½ hours. But the researchers warn that if you snooze past the 10-minute mark, you lose the rejuvenating side-effects. (What if you’re only awake for 10 minutes at work, does that make you super productive?)
– PA News

Based on salary, sponsorship endorsements, and bonuses over the past year …
1. Cristiano Ronaldo (Soccer) – $88m
2. Lionel Messi (Soccer) – $81.4m
3. LeBron James (Basketball) – $77.2m
4. Roger Federer (Tennis) – $67.8m
5. Kevin Durant (Basketball) – $56.2m
6. Novak Djokovic (Tennis) – $55.8m
7. Cam Newton (Football) – $53.1m
8. Phil Mickelson (Golf) – $52.9m
9. Jordan Spieth (Golf) – $52.8m
10. Kobe Bryant (Basketball) – $50m
(Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady ranks #15, with $44.1m.)
– “Forbes”

The presidential election campaign has just gotten underway in France and one of the candidates, Jean-Luc Melenchon, has launched his campaign as … a hologram. The veteran hard-left politician took to the stage in Lyon, France in the flesh, while his 3-dimensional holographic image spoke simultaneously to another audience in Paris, 500 km (310 miles) away. Melenchon is promoting the use of new technology as part of his so-called ‘citizen revolution’. French radio station Europe 1 says, “Melenchon killed it for innovation in political communication this year.” (Imagine the possibilities: 100 campaign stops … all at once!)
– BBC News

✓ Febreze – Not only does it make the room smell better, it kills flies.
✓ Lemon – Put a slice in a bowl of water and microwave 45 seconds. Voila! Clean microwave.
✓ Squeegee – As well as cleaning windows, it’s awesome at getting pet hair out of your carpet.
✓ Q-Tip – Dip one in alcohol and use it to light your candles. Works like a charm!
✓ Mouthwash – As well as your mouth, its really good for disinfecting your toothbrush.
✓ Potato Chips – They make great fire kindling.
✓ Tennis Balls – Toss them in the dryer with your towels and get fluffiness without the smell.
✓ Mustard – Mixed with water it makes an incredible deodorizer for just about anything.
✓ Coffee – Have an insect problem? Just sprinkle the area with some grounds!
✓ Makeup Brushes – The perfect size to clean between the keys of your computer keyboard.
– Sourced from List25.com

Government figures show that Australia can be a potentially fatal travel destination with hundreds of tourists killed or injured there each year. Several factors are to blame, including baking weather and dangerous terrain. Deaths have also occurred on hang-gliding, parachuting, and fishing expeditions. And attacks by an array of deadly animals such as sharks and crocodiles seem to be almost a weekly occurrence. And while koalas may seem cute, the uninitiated fail to realize they can give you a nasty bite or carve you up with their claws. (Then of course, there’s the hazard of getting ‘stonkered’ to death in a ‘boozer’.)
– “The Age”

• You can’t fail out of Hell.
• At least you can sleep in Hell.
• Hell is forever, college just seems like it.
• People smile in Hell.
• You wouldn’t tell a friend to go to college.
– FunnyForLife.tv

A dating app is being developed to help orangutans find a love match.
– “The Times”


1960 [57] James Spader, Boston MA, TV actor (“The Blacklist” since 2013; “The Office” 2011-12, “Boston Legal” 2004-08)/movie actor (“Lincoln”, “sex, lies & videotape”)

1962 [55] Garth Brooks, Tulsa OK, country singer (“More Than a Memory”, “Friends in Low Places”)/married to country singer Trisha Yearwood since 2005

1962 [55] David Bryan (Rashbaum), Perth Amboy NJ, pop-rock keyboardist (Bon Jovi-“It’s My Life”, “Always”)

1965 [52] Chris Rock, Andrews SC, comedian/movie actor (“Grown Ups”, “Madagascar” films)

1978 [39] Ashton Kutcher, Cedar Rapids IA, TV actor (“Two-And-a-Half Men” 2011-15, “That ’70s Show” 1998-2005)/movie actor (“Jobs”, “No Strings Attached”)

1978 [39] Tom Blankenship, Louisville KY, rock bassist (My Morning Jacket-“Friends Again”, “Holdin’ On to Black Metal”)

• “Ballet Day”, an annual celebration of the artistic dance-form that keeps people on their toes.

• “Fettuccine Alfredo Day”, an annual appreciation of the pasta dish that involves tossing fettuccine noodles with heavy cream & cheese. (Which sits in your stomach like a bowling ball.)

• “Send a Card to a Friend Day”, obviously created by a greeting card company.

• “Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbors Day” … instead of just the middle one. (And they’ll be wondering, “What the heck does that idiot want now?”)

2011 [06] AOL purchases “The Huffington Post” for $315 million

2014 [03] “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno says goodbye after 22 years (replaced by Jimmy Fallon beginning February 17th)

2008 [09] Britney Spears’ family stage an intervention that lands her in the psychiatric ward of UCLA Hospital

2012 [05] Alicia Keys and Nas join Jay Z’s charity concert at NYC’s Carnegie Hall that raises $3.5 million for United Way and Shawn Carter Scholarship Foundation

2009 [08] Melbourne, Australia’s highest temperature on record (46.4° C/115.5° F) sparks the ‘Black Saturday’ bushfires, worst in Australian history

[Wed] Laugh & Get Rich Day
[Wed] Opera Day
[Thurs] Bagel Day
[Thurs] Read in the Bathtub Day
[Fri] “Fifty Shades Darker”; “John Wick: Chapter 2”; “The Lego Batman Movie” open in movie theaters
[Fri] MusiCares Person Of the Year Gala (LA CA)
[Fri] Full ‘Snow’ Moon
This Week Is … Freelance Writers Appreciation Week
This Month Is … Pet Dental Health Month


• ‘The Harvey Wallbuilder’ – Vodka, OJ, and Galliano, garnished with an IOU from Mexico.
• ‘Twittertini’ – ALL-CAPS, exclamation points!, and petty complaints served at 3 am with typos.
• ‘Gin & Panic’ – Consumed directly from bottle while sitting in a dark closet reading news alerts.
• ‘Omarosa Mimosa’ – Bitter orange juice mixed with the only black liqueur that’s tolerated.
• ‘Alternate Factarita’ – Lime juice, with enough tequila to make you forget actual facts.
• ‘Kellyanne Cosmo’ – Vodka, Triple Sec, and not even a splash of compassion or morality.
• ‘White Russian Election-Rigger’ – Sip while giving Putin his daily ego massage.
• ‘Really Really Old Fashioned’ – Prepared by women in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.
• ‘Hot Toddy Planet’ – Whisky, honey, and enough hot water to melt all the glaciers.
• ‘Nuclear Sunrise’ – Put it in a blender, then accidentally push the wrong red button.
– Adapted from McSweeneys.net

After age 50, the best form of birth control is … nudity.

• Where do gorillas sleep?
a. Cave
b. Nest [CORRECT]
c. Bed

• Which animal almost always gives birth to quadruplets?
a. Seagull
b. Domestic Cat
c. Armadillo [CORRECT]
– TriviaCrack.com

☎ What do you do when your partner wants to ‘fool around’ but you don’t?

Question: On average, women do THIS 4 times a year.
Answer: Spend an entire day in pajamas.

Everyone wants to save the whales, but not one voice is raised on behalf of the plankton.

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