Friday, February 8, 2013        Edition: #4922

We’ve Got Our Sheet Together!

Today Kiefer Sutherland (“Touch”) is honored as ‘Hasty Pudding Man Of the Year’ by Harvard University’s prestigious drama society with a parade and comedy roast (French actress Marion Cotillard was saluted as ‘Woman Of the Year’ last week) . . . CBS-TV has issued a Wardrobe Advisory for Sunday’s “Grammy Awards” that specifically bans ‘bare sides and under curvature’ of female breasts, ‘fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack’, and ‘puffy bare skin’ (?!?!?) in the genital region (who do you think will be first to ‘bust’ the rules?) . . . For his upcoming directorial debut, “How to Catch a Monster” starring “Mad Men’s” Christina Hendricks, movie star Ryan Gosling has reportedly cast his girlfriend Eva Mendes as ‘Cat’, a prominent figure at the ‘Big Bad Wolf Club’ (we’re expecting she’ll be doing a lot of huffing and puffing) . . . Brit soccer god David Beckham’s new H&M ad, directed by Guy Ritchie (ex-Mr Madonna), takes advantage of all his best assets (he’s shirtless and doesn’t talk) . . . And Stuart Freeborn, the makeup artist who designed ‘Chewbacca’ and a number of other memorable “Star Wars” characters, has died in England this week at the ripe old age of 98 (ironically he was beginning to look like the spitting image of ‘Yoda’).

• “BAFTA Awards” (BBC 1) – Sunday we’ll find out if “Argo” continues to roll toward an Oscar at the annual British Academy Film Awards at London’s Royal Opera House. “Lincoln” leads nominations with 10. Stars attending include Bradley Cooper, George Clooney, Javier Bardem, Jennifer Lawrence, and Quentin Tarantino.
• CommuniCon (LA) – This weekend the 1st-ever “Community” convention takes place at the site where the NBC-TV comedy is filmed. The fictional ‘Greendale Community College’ is actually Los Angeles City College. The fanfest comes 2 days after the show’s 4th season debut.
• “Grammy Awards” (CBS/Global) – Sunday LL Cool J returns as host for the 55th annual recording industry honors at LA’s Staples Center. The Black Keys, Frank Ocean, fun., Jay-Z, Kanye West, and Mumford & Sons lead nominations with 6 apiece. Additional performers include Alicia Keys w/Maroon 5, Carrie Underwood, Dierks Bentley w/Miranda Lambert, Elton John w/Ed Sheeran, Jack White, Justin Timberlake, Kelly Clarkson, The Lumineers, Norah Jones, Rihanna w/Bruno Mars & Sting, and Taylor Swift. The Who receive a ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’. A year after 31 awards were cut, trophies are still being handed out in 81 categories.
• “The Grammys Will Go On: A Death In the Family” (CBS/Global) – Saturday this documentary special follows the last-minute changes required at the 2012 Grammy Awards in light of Whitney Houston’s sudden death.
• “The Job” (CBS) – Tonight  Lisa Ling hosts the debut of a new reality series from “Survivor” creator Mark Burnett that takes advantage of today’s cut-throat employment scene by creating a competition in which people vie for … ordinary work. (This is where the ‘New Economy’ has landed us, people.)
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Metric (“Synthetica”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Night Beds (“Country Sleep”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight Elvis tribute artist Ben Portsmouth.
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – Today Jennifer Hudson (“I Remember Me”).
• MusiCares Person Of the Year (LA) – Tonight Bruce Springsteen is saluted as the 2013 honoree for his creative accomplishments as well as his charitable work over the years. Tributes from Alabama Shakes, Eddie Vedder, Elton John, Kenny Chesney, Mumford & Sons, Neil Young, and Sting among others. Jon Stewart hosts.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Justin Bieber (“Believe: Acoustic”) is the host and musical guest.
• “Saturday Night Live In the 80s: Lost & Found” (NBC) – Sunday, part 2 of a documentary on the long-running comedy show reveals how it went from near-cancellation to reinvention and then back again.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Norah Jones sings the Oscar-nominated tune “Everybody Needs a Best Friend” (“Ted”).

• Alicia Keys – She’s providing the halftime entertainment at this year’s “NBA All-Star Game” on Sunday, February 17th in Houston TX.
• Atlas Genius / Imagine Dragons – Tonight they hit the road together for a co-headlining tour that gets underway in Tempe AZ and runs up to March 23rd in Denver CO.
• Beyoncé – Her publicist has asked website Buzzfeed to remove ‘unflattering’ photos of her Super Bowl performance. Basically, they picture her with her face contorted as she busts moves during her energetic halftime show. (Now they’ve created another round of interest in seeing them!)
• Bon Jovi – Saturday “Because We Can – The Tour” kicks off in Uncasville CT, then plays Washington DC on Sunday. The world trek includes arena performances plus multiple stadium shows, including a 2-night stand at MetLife Stadium in their home state of NJ.
• Justin Bieber – “Believe: Acoustic” tops the new best-selling albums chart, according to Nielsen SoundScan. reports that makes him the first recording artist to score 5 chart-topping albums before his 19th birthday (March 1st).
• Prince – His new tune “Breakfast Can Wait” has been posted on YouTube, which is weird because he seemingly hates YouTube and is constantly pulling his music from it.
• The Wanted – It’s been announced that the Brit boy-band has landed their own TV reality program, presumably another show where cameras follow them around 24/7. (Perhaps explaining what Lindsay Lohan’s recent shenanigans with Max George were all about?)

• “Identity Thief” ( R-Rated Crime Comedy ): Jason Bateman (“Horrible Bosses”) & Melissa McCarthy (“Bridesmaids”) star in this story of a mild-mannered businessman who confronts the deceptively harmless-looking woman who has been living it up after stealing his identity. Co-stars John Cho, Amanda Peet.
• “Side Effects” ( R-Rated Crime Thriller ): Rooney Mara & Channing Tatum play a successful New York couple whose world unravels when a new anxiety drug prescribed by her psychiatrist turns out to have unexpected side effects. Co-stars Jude Law, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Directed by Steven Soderbergh.
• “Top Gun” ( PG IMAX 3D Re-release ) – Tom Cruise’s 1986 action-drama about students at the US Navy’s elite fighter weapons school gets the really-bigscreen treatment. Directed by the late Tony Scott. Co-stars Tim Robbins, Kelly McGillis, Val Kilmer. (If they remade this movie nowadays, it’d be called “Top Drone”.)
• Opening in limited release: “Lore” (War Drama).

Ever heard of ‘Vinegar Valentines’? They’re the opposite of sweet, and they were sent, often anonymously, to tell someone off. It could be someone whose behavior you disliked or just as a general insult. It was a popular practice for a hundred years, from the 1840s until the 1940s. A sampling of some of the more vicious …
✳ “GREAT LOVER: Hey, lover boy, the place for you / Is home upon the shelf / ‘Cause the only one who’d kiss you / Is a jackass like yourself!”
✳ “TO MY VALENTINE: ‘Tis a lemon that I hand you and bid you now skidoo / Because I love another now and there is no chance for you!”
✳ “HELD IN BONDAGE: Your wifey holds you in her hands / You dare not disobey commands / And every single cent your earn / She takes so she has money to burn.”
✳ “SHOWOFF: You claim you’re good at anything / So, come on, show some proof / And let me see how good you are / At jumping off the roof!”
✳ “BOOZER: You drink all day and most the night / And then you wonder why / You climb up posts and always see / Pink elephants in the sky.”
✳ “BALD HEAD: Your bright shining pate is seen at all shows / Invariably down in the bald-headed rows / Where you make conspicuous by your tender care / Your ardent love for that one lonesome hair.”
(Try to be kinder next Thursday.)
– Condensed from

Although most of us try to avoid sweating in public, scientists believe it has an evolutionary role in sending warning signals to people around us. According to a soon-to-be-presented study, the body odor of a stranger provokes the brain to reassess our first impressions, even when there’s a friendly facial expression. Meanwhile, the scent of a family member can help calm a person who is under stress. Women and men respond differently to signals sent by smells. When researchers tested different fragrances to see if they could mask someone’s body odor, they found that men were fooled the bulk of the time but women almost always sensed the body odor through the masking scent. (Well, so much for all those Axe ads!)
– Condensed from “Wall Street Journal”

The female pig is the fastest barnyard mama. Miss Piggy gestates in just 3 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days!


1943 [70] Creed Bratton (Charles Schneider), LA CA, TV actor (‘Creed’ on “The Office” 2005-13)/oldies guitarist (The Grass Roots-“Midnight Confessions”, “Let’s Live for Today”)

1955 [58] John Grisham, Jonesboro AR, lawyer-turned-novelist (“The Confession”, “The Firm”)   BS FACTOID: Movies made from his books include “The Pelican Brief” (1993), “A Time to Kill” (1996), “Runaway Jury” (2003), and “Christmas With the Kranks” (2004).

1961 [52] Vince Neil (Wharton), Hollywood CA, rock vocalist (Motley Crue-“If I Die Tomorrow”, “Girls Girls Girls”)

1969 [44] Keith Nelson, Pittsburgh PA, rock guitarist (Buckcherry-“Sorry”, “Lit Up”)

1977 [36] Dave ‘Phoenix’ Farrell, Plymouth MA, rock musician (Linkin Park-“The Catalyst”, “In the End”)

1985 [28] Jeremy Davis, North Little Rock AR, rock bassist (Paramore-“Decode”, “Crushcrushcrush”)

Movie actor Joe Pesci (“Goodfellas”) is 70; Country singer Travis Tritt  (“Love Of a Woman”) is 50; Pop-rock singer Chad Wolf (Carolina Liar) is 37; Rock singer-guitarist Richard On (OAR) is 34; Movie actress Zhang Ziyi (“Memoirs Of a Geisha”) is 34.

Movie actress Laura Dern (“Jurassic Park”) is 46; Movie actress Emma Roberts (“Scream 4”) is 22; TV actress Makenzie Vega (“The Good Wife”) is 19.

• “Laugh & Get Rich Day”, in recognition of laughter’s power to add to the bottom line. It’s claimed that people who laugh are more effective and tend to remember things better.
• “Opera Day”, for those who like listening to every word of a story being sung. (Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.) A few facts …
– The first ‘modern’ opera was written in 1597.
– The longest opera ever written was Wagner’s “The Ring Cycle” at a gruelling 15½ hours.
– For all the attention and publicity that it gets, only 3% of us have ever attended an opera.

• “Bagels & Lox Day”, a food holiday celebrating the deli favorite that involves topping a fresh-baked bagel with salmon fillet that has been cured.
• “Read In the Bathtub Day”, an excuse to luxuriate in a steamy tub with a great novel. (Not on your eReader …. zap!)
• “Stop Bullying Day”, the kickoff of “Stop Bullying Week”, when schools are encouraged to conduct classes on how to stop bullying in schools & neighborhoods. Sponsored by Hey UGLY (Unique Gifted Lovable You).
• “Toothache Day” in honor of the feast day of St Apollonia, patron saint of dentists and those suffering from toothaches.

• “American International Toy Fair”, the 110th edition of the largest toy trade show in the Western Hemisphere through Wednesday in NYC. More than 1,500 toy-makers show the stuff we’ll be scrambling for next holiday season.
• “Chinese New Year”, a festive holiday celebrated by Chinese worldwide on the 2nd New Moon after the Winter Solstice. The Year 2013 is the 4,711th Chinese year, a ‘Year Of the Snake’ (aka ‘Junior Dragon’), 6th sign of the Chinese zodiac. Washing your hair, cooking, and lending money are a few of the superstitious no-nos for this holiday. Check out other traditions here …
• “Rejection Awareness Week” begins, to draw attention to people who’ve taken a chance on love and had their hearts stomped on. (Awww.)
• “World Marriage Day”, an annual recognition of married couples on the 2nd Sunday of February, with particular attention focused on those married longest. Sponsored by Worldwide Marriage Encounter, the largest pro-marriage & family movement in the world.

2007 [06] 39-year-old wannabe actress, model, and million-heir Anna Nicole Smith is found dead in room #607 of the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Florida

1973 [40] Carly Simon is awarded a gold record for her single “You’re So Vain”, the only #1 song of her career (it’s still unknown who the target of the tune is. It’s not label head David Geffen, as claimed in 2010. Other guesses over the years have included Mick Jagger, Cat Stevens, Warren Beatty, and Kris Kristofferson, all men she’d been involved with … the hussy.)

1816 [197] 1st ‘Police Dog’ used to make an arrest (a Bull Terrier in Britain)

2004 [09] Beyoncé wins 5 trophies at the Grammy Awards, tying the record for female artists co-held by Alicia Keys, Lauryn Hill, and Norah Jones

[Mon] “BET Honors 2013” (BET)
[Mon] Pro Sports Wives Day
[Mon] Satisfied Staying Single Day
[Mon] Westminster Dog Show begins (NYC)
[Tues] Pancake Day (aka Shrove Tuesday, Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras)
[Tues] Extraterrestrial Visitor Day
This Week Is … Consumer Protection Week
This Month Is … Black History Month


Things the moms & dads of wee ones are required to do that they shouldn’t feel guilty about …
• Pretending you’re asleep.
• Pretending you’re deaf.
• Lying about what day it is.
• Claiming it’s nighttime when it’s only 4:30 pm.
• Convincing them that it will be nap time when the microwave beeps.
• Taking the batteries out of an annoying toy and saying it’s broken.
• Giving them a hot dog that fell on the floor.
• Faking a shoulder injury so you don’t have to carry anyone.
• Hiding an ‘Amelia Bedelia’ book in the gross part of the basement.
– Adapted from

☎ Are you less likely to listen to or buy Rihanna’s music since she’s reconciled with Chris Brown? (This week she accompanied him to a hearing concerning his court-ordered community service in connection with his 2009 sentence for assaulting her. They arrived arm-in-arm and left minutes later holding hands. Brown’s next hearing is scheduled for April 5th.)

I used to be indecisive … now I’m not sure.

According to studies in both California and England, which pet is most likely to anticipate in advance when its owner will arrive home?
a. Dog [CORRECT]
b. Cat
c. Gerbil

Question: When you buy one of THESE for your home, odds are you’ll have it for 11.2 years.
Answer: A toaster.

Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.

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