Friday, January 27, 2006        Edition: #3206
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure BS!

SATURDAY actor/producer/director Clint Eastwood will be honored with a ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’ during the 58th “DGA Awards” in LA . . . Celebrity nanny Suzanne Hansen has written a new book in which she claims she rarely ever saw actress Nicole Kidman around her adopted kids when she worked for Tom Cruise & Nicole . . . Meantime, Nicole Kidman will become a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations Development Fund for Women (UNIFEM), working to advance women’s rights & gender equality worldwide . . . The kiddie beauty pageant comedy, “Little Miss Sunshine”, is the big commercial hit at THIS YEAR’s “Sundance Film Festival”, selling THIS WEEK for more than $10 million, likely a new record for the festival . . . Movie actor Colin Farrell (“The New World”) wears the same pair of lucky underwear on the first day of shooting for every film he makes, and has now worn his ‘shamrock shorts’ in 7 movies . . . Josh Holloway, who plays con-man ‘Sawyer’ on the hit ABC-TV series “Lost”, has just been named the ‘Hottest Hunk on Television’ by “In Touch Weekly” . . . The Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie movie “Mr & Mrs Smith” is being developed for TV, as soon as new lead actors are found in a nationwide talent search . . . Twins Derrell & Terrell Brittenum, who ‘made it to Hollywood’ on “American Idol”, have been unceremoniously booted off the show after being charged with forgery . . . And now that he’s been convicted of income tax evasion, original “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch will be held in jail for a total of 13 weeks & 2 days, until his APRIL 28th sentencing (that’s just a down-payment – legal experts say he could get 2-to-4 years).

• Alanis Morissette – TONIGHT she guests on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Brooks & Dunn – SUNDAY they open for the Rolling Stones in Omaha NE. The Stones have been choosing artists from a variety of genres to open shows. Illness forced Merle Haggard to cancel his appearance at the band’s recent concert in Dallas TX.
• 50 Cent – His 8-year-old son Marquise will join Lindsay Lohan’s younger sisters Aliana & Dakota when they take to the runway at “Child” magazine’s ‘Fashion Week’ show in NYC NEXT MONTH.
• James Blunt – The “You’re Beautiful” singer is the musical guest on NBC-TV’s “Saturday Night Live”, hosted by obscure actor Dane Cook.
• Roxy Music – The “Love is the Drug” classic rockers are back in the studio with Brian Eno, for the first time since 1973.

• “Annapolis” ( PG-13 Drama ): James Franco plays a young Naval Academy student who decides to prove his mettle by entering the Navy boxing competition known as the ‘Brigade Championships’. Co-stars Tyrese Gibson & Donnie Wahlberg (ex-New Kids on the Block).
• “Big Momma’s House 2″ ( PG-13 Action Comedy ): In this sequel to the 2000 hit, Martin Lawrence returns as FBI agent ‘Malcolm Turner’ who once again goes undercover as ‘Big Momma’, this time working as a nanny for a woman under investigation for murder. Co-stars Nia Long & Emily Procter (“CSI: Miami”).
• “Nanny McPhee” ( PG Family Fantasy ): Emma Thompson wrote the screenplay and headlines as a governess who uses magic to reign in the behavior of 7 ne’er-do-well children in her charge. Based on the widely-read “Nurse Matilda” series in the UK. Co-stars Colin Firth & Angela Lansbury. Shot entirely in Britain.

According to a recent study, Earth’s surface may be slipping slowly westward, dragged by the same lunar forces that produce tides. The Earth’s crust is divided into vast plates, and Carlo Doglioni of the Earth Science Department at Rome’s La Sapienza University claims they are slowly sliding toward the sunset due to the tidal attraction of the Moon. (You know what this means? Eventually, Montréal will be in the CFL’s Western Conference.)
– “National Geographic News”

• A man in Barranquilla, Colombia tried to startle his nephew out of a bout of the hiccups by pointing a gun at him, but he accidentally pulled the trigger and killed the poor lad. That brilliant act was followed by immediate grief, causing him to turn the Smith & Wesson .38 special on himself – and commit suicide. (Let that be a lesson to you – stick with paper bags.)
•  An insurance worker from Fife, Scotland has won an undisclosed out-of-court settlement from her employer Norwich Union Insurance after she tripped and fell over – a pile of accident claim forms. (The settlement includes payment for lost wages and an award for irony.)
• Sounds like a dumb TV reality show but it’s true! Animal trainers in Seoul, South Korea have managed to teach a monkey named ‘Furry Gun-Mo‘ to ice skate in just 2 weeks. (The Leafs are said to be interested.)

Marrying for money, it turns out, works! A new study by an Ohio State University researcher shows that a person who marries – and stays married – accumulates nearly twice as much personal wealth as a person who is single or divorced. (Remind yourself of this next time your wife goes on a shopping binge.)
– AP

San Francisco CA dermatologist Vail Reese has awarded his latest “Skinnies Awards” for celebs with fixable skin problems. Among THIS YEAR’s ‘winners’ …
• Joaquin Phoenix (“Walk the Line”) – ‘Most Striking Scar’
• Reese Witherspoon (“Walk the Line”) – ‘Boldest Botox Abstinence’
• Philip Seymour Hoffman (“Capote”) – ‘Pale & Proud Award’
• Katie Holmes (“Batman Begins”) – ‘Worst Timing Award’, for having a cold sore on her lip when her relationship with Tom Cruise first went public.
• Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie – This year’s ‘Dermatology Duo‘, because both apparently suffer from acne scars, and Angelina also has moles and an injury scar on her face.

Max Planck Corp researchers in Potsdam, Germany claim to have made significant progress in the field of ‘colloid chemistry’, the chemistry of small particles. The practical applications may be nail polishes that seem to shimmer in different colors depending on lighting, and new car finishes which change color according to temperature or humidity. (Cops are gonna love this – “Yes officer, the robber drove off in a red BMW … no blue … or maybe it was olive …”)

First-born children are less creative but more stable, while last-born are more promiscuous.

Forget pretending that the entire audience is wearing underwear or that you’re only talking to a single person; the best way to calm your nerves before public speaking is – making love! So says Stuart Brody, a psychologist at the University of Paisley in Scotland. His research reveals that people who abstain from sex have the highest blood pressure response to stressful situations, such as making a speech. Those who’ve recently made whoopee, however, are more prone to handle stress calmly. He believes the so-called ‘pair bonding’ hormone oxytocin might explain the effect – and it lasts for up to a week! (We sense the makings of a new pickup line – “I’m a little nervous about making this speech tomorrow …”)
– “New Scientist” / MSNBC


1959 [47] Cris Collinsworth, Dayton OH, NFL analyst (FOX-TV)/ex-NFL WR (Cincinnati Bengals)

1961 [45] Margo Timmins, Montréal QC, pop singer (Cowboy Junkies-“Misguided Angel”)

1964 [42] Bridget Fonda, LA CA, movie actress (“It Could Happen to You”)/daughter of Peter Fonda & niece of Jane Fonda

1968 [38] Tracy Lawrence, Atlanta TX, country singer (“If I Don’t Make It Back”)

TV actor Alan Alda (“The West Wing”) is 70; Country musician Greg Cook (Ricochet) is 41; Pop singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan (“I Will Remember You”) is 38; TV actress Kathryn Morris (“Cold Case”) is 37; Pop singer Joey Fatone (*NSYNC) is 29; Pop singer Nick Carter (Backstreet Boys) is 26; Movie actor Elijah Wood (“The Lord of the Rings”) is 25.

Former TV actor Tom Selleck (“Magnum PI”) is 61; Talk-show host Oprah Winfrey is 52; TV/movie actress Heather Graham (“Emily’s Reasons Why Not”/”Austin Powers”) is 36.

• “Carnaval de Québec”, the 52nd edition of Canada’s largest outdoor winter carnival through February 12 includes night parades, slide runs, ice fishing, concerts, snow sculptures, dogsled rides, and the snow bath. The official carnival booze is a ‘Caribou’, containing brandy, vodka, sherry & port. The festival’s mascot is the famous snowman ‘Bonhomme Carnaval’
PHONER: 866-422-7628 (Info-Carnaval Line)
• “Fun At Work Day”, because experts say when we enjoy our work, we are more productive.
• “Ice Magic International Ice Sculpture Competition” through SUNDAY, the 12th annual at the Chateau Lake Louise in Lake Louise AB, sanctioned by the National Ice Carving Association.
• “Mozart’s 250th Birthday”, honoring the January 27, 1756 birth of arguably the world’s greatest composer. A year-long itinerary of concerts & celebrations are scheduled for Vienna and his hometown of Salzburg, Austria (where 2 million visitors are expected THIS YEAR). It’s also an excuse for marketing Mozart souvenirs of all kinds from T-shirts, calendars & coffee mugs to beer, wine & milkshakes. There’s even a commemorative sausage called ‘Mozartwurst’. A lot of hubbub over a guy who died at the tender age of 35 in 1791.
• “Punch the Clock Day”, a day to calmly do your job stress-free, then go home and enjoy your real life. (A warm-up for next week’s ‘Punch the Boss Day’.)
• “Swap a Brown Bag Lunch Day”, to add some excitement to your noon hour.
• “Thomas Crapper Day”, in honor of the man who invented the toilet flush mechanism, on the anniversary of his death in 1910. Thomas Crapper & Co became engineers by appointment to the ‘throne’ of England.

• “Clash Day”, when you’re encouraged to wear your gaudiest outfit to relieve winter blahs.
• “International Make Your Point Day.” So what is the gist of what you’re trying to say, anyway?
• “Kazoo Day”, honoring the musical instrument even the most untalented can play.

• “Chinese New Year”, the traditional Chinese lunar year 4704, a ‘Year of the Dog’. In contrast to the past year’s flamboyant, fast-talking ‘Rooster’, the ‘Dog’ has a far more down-to-earth quality and sets the tone for quiet achievement with a minimum of fuss.
• “Corn Chip Day.” Ask listeners to put 10 of them in their mouths and whistle a tune!
• “Free Thinker’s Day”, celebrating the fact that everyone has the right to agree with you.
• “Puzzle Day”, celebrating one of our favorite pastimes.

1984 [22] Michael Jackson’s hair catches on fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial (leading to the first of many, many, many cosmetic surgeries)

1858 [148] Ottawa 1st selected capital of Canada

1926 [80] Scottish inventor John Logie Baird gives 1st public demonstration of ‘Television’ (London UK)

[Mon] Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
[Tues] Academy Award nominations announced
[Tues] Al Hijra (Islamic New Year)
[Tues] Backwards Day
[Thurs] Groundhog Day
[Thurs] “The Lord of the Rings” stage musical previews begin (Toronto)
This Week Is . . . Mozart Week (these days he’s DEcomposing)
This Month Is . . . Meat Month (aka ‘Kill Bambi Month’)



• Decorate your home with live blooming plants to symbolize rebirth and new growth.
• Display oranges & tangerines to symbolize abundant happiness and a candy tray with 8 varieties of dried sweet fruit to start the new year sweetly.
• Get together with family for a meal and family activities.
• Pay respects to your ancestors.
• Set off firecrackers at midnight to send out the old year and welcome the new year.
• Open every door & window at midnight to let go of the old year
• Don’t wash your hair or you will wash away any good luck for the new year.
• Wear brand new clothes
• Wear the color red for joy and happiness.
• Greet your relatives, neighbors, and friends and wish them well.
• Give red envelopes with lucky money to children and unmarried people.
• Don’t sweep the floor or clean or you may sweep away your luck.
• Don’t say the number ‘4’ (which sounds like the Chinese word for ‘death’).
• Don’t mention death or tell ghost stories.
• Don’t cook.
• Don’t use knives or scissors or you may cut off fortune.
• Don’t lend money or you will be lending all year. And don’t borrow money either.
– Robyn Bentley, “Feng Shui Diva”

• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they’re OK … you’re it!
• You know you’re getting old when every part of you either dries up or leaks.

Always nice to see the product of open minds showing up online. For instance, Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka KS hosts the ‘God Hates Fags’ Website, where it preaches ‘the gospel truth about the soul-damning, nation-destroying notion that it is OK to be gay’. For some convoluted reason, the faithful are encouraged to protest at ‘godless military funerals’.

Q. You suffer from ‘peladophobia’. What are you so afraid of?
A. Bald people.

Q. Which is the world’s most cosmopolitan city, based on the number of languages spoken there?
A. London UK, where an estimated 307 languages are spoken.
– “Trivia Quest Magazine”

Today’s Question: 92% of women can’t stand a man who wears THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Leather pants.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


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