Thursday, January 12, 2006        Edition: #3195
Can You Believe This Sheet?

TODAY the trial of original “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch is scheduled to begin in Providence RI, where he’s charged with 10 counts of tax evasion & filing false income-tax returns, plus mail, bank & wire fraud (he’s facing 30 years in the slammer, a million-dollar fine – and the likelihood of the whole thing being made into another reality show) . . . TODAY a marriage licence is ready for pickup at the Macomb County clerk’s office in Michigan after it was applied for by one Kim Mathers, Eminem’s former – and soon-to-be encore – wife (could it happen this weekend?) . . . TONIGHT Jane Curtin (“3rd Rock from the Sun”, “Kate & Allie”, “SNL”) & Fred Savage (“Wonder Years”) take another shot at TV comedy with ABC-TV’s new “Crumbs”, playing a mental patient & the son who comes to her aid after her release (hilarious bouts of depression & schizophrenia ensue) . . . TONIGHT the lame Ashton Kutcher-produced reality show “Beauty & the Geek 2″ debuts on the WB (further proof that some people can sell anything!) . . . Mr Blackwell’s 46th annual “Worst Dressed List” list is topped by Britney Spears (“an over-the-hill Lolita”), followed by Mary-Kate Olsen (“bag lady rags”) & Jessica Simpson (“a cut-rate Rapunzel slingin’ hash in a Vegas diner”) . . . Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey’s hoouse that was featured in “Newlyweds” has been snapped up by “Malcolm in the Middle” star Justin Berfield, who plays ‘Reese’ (he’ll partially pay for it by selling his current home, once owned by George Clooney, for $2 million – how much does the #5 headliner on a lousy sitcom make, anyway?) . . . Former glam rocker Gary Glitter has sold his English country home for $650,000 to raise funds for his upcoming trial on child abuse charges in Vietnam (his new home will be free, including meals) . . . And after weeks of speculation, Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy has now been confirmed by her reps and it seems the little Pitt is due THIS SUMMER (let the name lottery begin – we like ‘Dirk’).

• Alicia Keys – TONIGHT she performs on “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• George Strait – TONIGHT he kicks off his “Somewhere Down in Texas” North American arena tour in Des Moines, Iowa. 6 Canadian stops are scheduled beginning JUNE 3rd in Edmonton.
• Linkin Park – After a 10-month battle, they’ve finally resolved their dispute with Warner Bros and secured a $15-million advance to release their next album on the label.
• Pussycat Dolls – TODAY they guest on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Sugarland – TONIGHT they do the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Usher – He’s reportedly found love – again – this time with his stylist Tameka Foster-Brown, who’s holidaying with him on St Barts in the Caribbean. She was married with 3 children but has apparently dumped her husband.

Say it isn’t so! Best buds Ben Affleck & Matt Damon & are said to be teaming up to remake “Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid”, the classic 1969 buddy Western that starred Paul Newman & Robert Redford (Affleck as ‘Butch’, Damon as ‘Sundance’) . . . 62-year-old actor/director Robert De Niro is paying himself nothing since his film “The Good Shepherd” has gone significantly over-cost, reportedly from repeatedly flying stars Angelina Jolie, Matt Damon & Alec Baldwin between NYC, London & the Dominican Republic . . . Hard to believe pennyless junky actor Tom Sizemore is still getting offered work, most recently in the horror thriller “Furnace”, about – how apropos! – a haunted prison . . . 51-year-old John Travolta & 52-year-old Tim Allen are in talks to co-star in the Disney comedy “Wild Hogs”, about middle-aged biker wannabes who hit the open road in search of adventure – only to encounter the Hell’s Angels . . . And real-life German cannibal Simon Grobeck (doing 8 years for eating a man he met online) who inspired the new flick, “Butterfly: A Grimm Love Story” starring Keri Russell, is suing to stop its release, claiming he never granted permission to reenact his true tale (producers sent him a note saying, “Bite me!”).

Cravings can be conquered! The next time you crave a chocolate bar, stop – and check your watch. In 15 minutes your craving will be up, says Dr Jana Klauer, author of “How the Rich Get Thin”. She says she invented the ‘stop-watch’ method to curb cravings after determining that a craving lasts on average only 8-to-14 minutes. After waiting 15 minutes, simply drink a large glass of water and you’re good to go. (What if you’re craving water?)
– “New York Post”

Professor Ling Hong of China’s Lanzhou University is challenging Scotland’s claim to be the home of the game of golf. He claims the Chinese were teeing off as early as 945 AD, some 500 years before the first Scot swung a club. Ancient records have been found which tell of a Chinese magistrate playing a game in which a ball was knocked into a hole with a stick. The prof says that game, called ‘hit-ball’, later reached Europe. (Oh c’mon, the Chinese can’t even say the word ‘golf’!)
– Ananova News

“She should have Nicole Kidman’s laughter, then the personality of Julia Roberts and the aspect of Michelle Pfeiffer, the quintessence of beauty. And finally the ambition of Jennifer Lopez.”
– Actor George Clooney fashioning the ‘ideal woman’ out his previous movie co-stars.

Retail analysts say that nowadays, fully a third of all ‘service interactions’ are self-serve. And that percentage is likely to grow as new technology is being field-tested to allow customers to walk into hotel lobbies and book their own rooms, or go to a drive-thru restaurant and order a meal from a 3-D computer screen.
– “Orlando Sentinel”

29-year-old Vancouver entrepreneur Amal Graafstra is hoping his computer chip ID implants will become the wave of the future. Using tiny radio frequency identification computer chips inserted in his hands, he’s able to unlock his front door or log on to his computer. The chips are activated when they come within 8 cm (3 ins) of a so-called ‘reader’, which scans the embedded data. The computer chips cost only about $2, while the readers are available for as little as $50. Graafstra is currently testing the implants on about 20 friends. The installation isn’t painful and afterward it’s difficult to even tell the implants are there. A big advantage of chip-security is it can’t be lost or stolen. And it can always be removed. “In the worst-case scenario,” Graafstra says, “If I’m in the alley naked, I want to still be able to get in [to my house].”
– “Sydney Herald Sun”

1 person in 4 has had their identity stolen or knows someone who has.

University of Colorado researcher Kenneth Wright says some people’s state-of-mind when waking is similar to being drunk. In fact, for a short period, the effects of ‘sleep inertia’ may be worse than being legally drunk. That befuddled feeling usually lasts for a few minutes but may be detectable for up to 2 hours. The findings are relevant to emergency workers such as firefighters, as well as truck drivers and resident doctors who must spring into action after awakening from naps. (It also explains the unintelligible muttering during the first hour of this show.)
– CNN / Reuters

New University of Buffalo research suggests that alcohol use and impairment directly affects up to 15% of America’s work force. It’s estimated that as many as 19.2 million employees report to work showing at least some signs of alcohol consumption, including 9% showing up with a hangover and 7% drinky onna chob … ‘scuse me, I mean drinking on-the-job.
– AP

• Two infants born at the same time on the same day in the same hospital in Trang, Thailand were accidentally switched at birth but nobody knew about it for – 10YEARS! The children, a boy and a girl, have grown up in neighboring villages and attended the same school. The parents have only learned the truth after DNA tests proved the decade-old debacle. (So what would you do – trade for your biological child or retain the one you’ve raised as your own?)
• A local police department in China’s Henan Province has had difficulty taking a picture of resident Ye Xiangting (pronounced ‘yeh jee-an TING’) for his ID card because – he keeps disappearing! In fact, no image of him shows up in computer photos at all and there is no clear explanation why. The photo equipment and Ye’s clothing have been checked, but successive re-takes have all failed. Even creepier, when pics were taken of him standing with a group, the other people showed up – but not Ye! (Time to start handing out garlic necklaces!)
• A bold weight-loss program of the Life of Life Healing Spa in Hong Kong involves – briefly setting fire to the body parts holding the most fat! About 100 clients have undergone the odd treatment which follows full-body exfoliation, a high-pressure hose spray, plus herb potion & alcohol rub-downs. Wet towels and a fire extinguisher are kept ready – just in case. (Yeah, my grandma lost 100 lbs in a similar process. Now we keep her in an urn.)
• A 35-year-old man has been successfully treated for 6 stab wounds to his head, back and legs at a hospital in Northam, Australia. It seems his 30-year-old girlfriend finally lost it and attacked him with scissors – because the idiot wouldn’t stop playing Elvis Presley’s “Burning Love”. (Local cops aren’t saying that was right … but they understand.)


1951 [55] Rush Limbaugh, Cape Girardeau MO, syndicated right-wing radio host & part-time bigot

1951 [55] Kirstie Alley, Wichita KS, ex-TV sitcom star (“Fat Actress” 2005, “Cheers” 1987-1993)/Jenny Craig huckster

1954 [52] Howard Stern (‘King of All Media’), Queens NY, radio ‘shock jock’ who’s promising to personally make ‘pay radio’ viable

1960 [46] Charles Gillingham, Torrance CA, pop musician (Counting Crows-“Big Yellow Taxi”, “Mr Jones”)

1964 [42] Jeff Bezos, Miami FL, Internet billionaire ( founder & CEO)

1966 [40] Rob Zombie, Haverhill MA, metal rocker-turned-horror movie director (“The Devil’s Rejects”, “House of 1000 Corpses”)

1974 [32] Melanie Chisholm (‘Sporty Spice’), Whiston UK, has-been pop singer (Spice Girls-“Wannabe”, w/Bryan Adams-“When You’re Gone”)

• “Pharmacists Day”, honoring all those drug dealers who are legal.

• JANUARY is “International Soup Month”. Which is your fave? Bet it’s not one of the …
• Bean with Bourbon
• Chicken Beaks ‘n Feet
• Wonderbroth!
• Cream of Elton (or Cream of Pimple)
• Chunky Wads ‘n Lumps
• Donovan McNabb’s-Mom-Cut-Into-Little-Itty-Bitty-Pieces-So-     You-Never-Have-To-See-Those-Horrible-Commercials-Ever-Again Purée

1995 [11] Amid unprecedented media hype, OJ Simpson murder trial begins in LA

2002 [04] TV host Conan O’Brien weds Liza Powell, a Seattle ad exec he met when she made an appearance on his “Late Night” show

2004 [02] “Rick Mercer Report” debuts on CBC-TV

1985 [21] Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” tops album charts (knocking off Prince’s “Purple Rain” after 24 weeks)

1997 [09] 1st NFL Conference Championships to include 2 expansion teams (Carolina in NFC, Jacksonville in AFC)

1991 [15] Princeton U beats Cornell U 164-71 in a one-of-a-kind swimming meet – due to a blizzard making transportation impossible, each team swims in its home pool and results are exchanged via fax

[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Fri] Make Your Dream Come True Day
[Sat] Assembly Line Worker’s Day
[Sat] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Sun] Hat Day
[Mon] Martin Luther King Jr Day (USA)
[Mon] Golden Globe Awards
[Tues] “American Idol 5″ debuts
This Week Is … Graves’ Disease Awareness Week
This Month Is … International Quality of Life Month


• She recently discovered a new radioactive isotope. You recently discovered belly-button lint.
• She’s currently reading Tolstoy’s “War & Peace”. Yesterday you read “Zits” … and didn’t get it.
• She watches documentaries on the Discovery channel. You watch “VIP” on Spike.
• She does the “NY Times” Sunday crossword puzzle … in pen. You play ‘caps’ to see who takes a drink.
• She’s a member of MENSA. You’re a member of the “The Simpsons” fan club.
• She knows her left hand from her right hand without pretending to eat.
• She goes to the opera. You listen to this lame-ass station.

Today’s Question: A third of women actually do THIS when getting ready for a big night out.  
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Talk to themselves in the mirror.

One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.


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