Thursday, January 5, 2006        Edition: #3190
Bovine Defecation That’s State-of-the-Art!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT “Dancing with the Stars 2″ debuts on ABC-TV, with a cast of has-beens that includes former Super Bowl champ Jerry Rice, Oscar-winning actress Tatum O’Neal, and ex-98 Degrees singer Drew Lachey (yes, Nick’s brother) . . . Rumors are flying in Hollywood that 31-year-old Oscar hopeful Joaquin Phoenix (“Walk the Line”) and 19-year-old wild-child Lindsay Lohan have been having a secret, on-the-sly romance while staying at LA’s famous Chateau Marmont (before she suffered her ‘asthma attack’, her publicist’s choice of fake affliction over ‘cholera’, ‘diphtheria’ or ‘rickets’) . . . Meantime, in THIS WEEK’s “Vanity Fair” magazine, Lohan admits to suffering from bulimia, drug abuse and emotional distress due to her relationships with her father and her first boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama . . . Dawna Stone, winner of “The Apprentice:  Martha Stewart”, has signed on with a literary agent to pitch her book proposal entitled “Winning Nice – How to Succeed in Business & Life Without Waging War” . . . 5′-2″ “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria has set the wedding rumor mill spinning by wearing a dazzling 5-carat diamond ring with smaller diamonds all the way around the platinum band, apparently a sign of intent from her 6-2″ NBA star boyfriend Tony Parker (San Antonio Spurs) . . . And British tabloid reports claim that pregnant movie actress Gwyneth Paltrow (Mrs Coldplay) has called in a rabbi from the trendy Kabbalah Center after becoming convinced that her London home is haunted with some sort of ‘dark energy’ (of course her rep denies all this, meaning – it’s likely true!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• John Mayer Trio – TODAY they appear on both the syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show” and ABC-TV’s late-night “ Jimmy Kimmel Live”.
• Toni Braxton – The 37-year-old is in negotiations to appear topless in “Playboy” magazine, but is refusing to expose any more than that … so far.
• Rolling Stones – Guitarist and recovering alcoholic Ronnie Wood has a new addiction … stamp collecting! Word is he has assistants combing specialty shops for the best editions and is said to be ‘very proud’ of his collection. You know you’re a wrinkle rocker when …
• White Stripes – Drummer Meg White, normally seen in Goth apparel, has been signed as the new spokesmodel for designer Marc Jacobs’ upcoming clothing line.
• The Who – 60-year-old guitarist Pete Townshend warns on his Website that iPod users should  turn down the volume or they’ll risk similar hearing problems to what he’s experienced from years of using headphones in the recording studio.
• The Wilkinsons – Their new self-titled show debuted on CMT Canada LAST NIGHT. It’s half-reality/half-scripted, blending a fictitious storyline around the family group’s real lives.

COMING ATTRACTIONS:
After generating some of the best reviews of his career with his latest film “Match Point”, shot in the UK, director Woody Allen has agreed to make his next picture in Spain with an all Spanish cast . . . Jackie Chan has begun production in Hong Kong on his latest kung-fu comedy, “BB or Baby”, in which he plays a small-time crook who steals a car without realizing a child is in it . . . Meantime, Chan & Danny DeVito are in talks to star in the action-comedy, “90 Minutes”, about 2 sports teams competing to win money for their schools . . . Thank goodness! Steven Spielberg is denying published reports that he is planning to produce and direct a remake of – “Mary Poppins” . . . George Clooney, however, is planning to make a 3rd film in the “Ocean’s Eleven” franchise, with a script for “Ocean’s Thirteen” already written for production to begin later THIS YEAR (he admits this is how he funds the ‘artsy’ pics he does that don’t make money – “Solaris”, “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”, etc).

RENT-A-MOMS:
Women who are willing to give their breast milk to strangers are in high demand according to Frances Jones, co-ordinator of Canada’s first ‘human milk bank’ in Vancouver. LAST YEAR, about 100 women donated the equivalent of 22,000 cartons of breast milk to the BC Women’s Hospital. The milk is tested, strained, pasteurized, frozen and shipped out to infants across the country who have been prescribed breast nourishment. Due to the limited supply, Ontario, Québec and Nunavut are also looking into starting up ‘human milk banks’.
– CBC News

BS AMAZING FACT:
The average employee spends 14 working days a year on personal e-mails, phone calls and Web browsing, according to employment analysts Captor. That’s outside of official break times.

ARGUMENT STARTER:
What’s the all-time funniest film? According to a newly released poll from the UK’s Channel 4, here are the funniest 5 …
5. “South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut”
4. “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery”
3. “Shaun of The Dead”
2. “Airplane!”
1. “Monty Python’s Life of Brian”
– PA News

HE SAID IT:
“Calista and I went to the movies yesterday, and I ordered one adult and one senior citizen. I saved $6.”
– Actor Harrison Ford telling “NY Daily News” about the advantages of being 63.

AND DON’T FORGET YOUR EARFLAP HAT:
Not wearing a coat to ward off winter’s chill won’t give you a cold, but it might weaken your body’s resistance to the germs that will give you a cold … or the flu … or whatever other bug is circulating. Dr Thomas DeWitt, head of pediatrics at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, says the bottom line is – your mom was probably right.
– “Cincinnati Enquirer”

ODD CURES FOR BODY WOES:
• CURE A SORE THROAT: If your throat tickles, scratch your ear. When the nerves in the ear are stimulated it creates a reflex in the throat that can cause a muscle spasm, thereby relieving the tickle.
• AVOID HEARING STRAIN: If you’re trying to hear someone who mumbles lean in with your right ear. It’s better at following speech, while the left is better at picking up music tones.
• PUT NATURE CALLS ON HOLD: Need to pee when there’s no bathroom in sight? Think about sex. It preoccupies your brain, so you won’t feel as much discomfort.
• NIX NEEDLE PAIN: Coughing during an injection can lessen the pain of the needle stick. Why? It causes a sudden, temporary rise in pressure in the chest and spinal canal, inhibiting pain-conduction.
• RELIEVE SINUS HEADACHE: An easy way to relieve sinus pressure is by alternately thrusting your tongue against the roof of your mouth, then pressing between your eyebrows with one finger. This causes the vomer bone, which runs through the nasal passages to the mouth, to rock back and forth, which loosens congestion.
• AVOID INDIGESTION: Studies show that if you sleep on your left side you’re less likely to suffer from acid reflux. When you’re on your left side, the stomach is lower than the esophagus, so gravity’s in your favor.
• CURE YOUR TOOTHACHE: And without even opening your mouth! Just rub ice on the back of your hand, on the V-shaped webbed area between your thumb and index finger. A Canadian study has found this technique reduces toothache pain by as much as 50%. How? The nerve pathways at the base of that V stimulate an area of the brain that blocks pain signals.
• MAKE JITTERS GO AWAY: Suffering from nervousness? Blow on your thumb. That’ll get your heart rate back to normal because the vagus nerve, which governs heart rate, can be controlled through breathing
• RID PINS & NEEDLES: If your hand or arm falls asleep while you’re in an odd position, rock your head from side to side. It’ll painlessly ‘wake up’ your appendage in less than a minute. Compressed nerves lower in the body govern the feet, so if your leg or foot ‘falls asleep’, simply stand up and walk around.
– “Men’s Health”

BEST DRESSED STARS OF 2005:
5. Beyoncé Knowles
4. Angelina Jolie
3. Jessica Simpson
2. Charlize Theron
1. “Desperate Housewives” (Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria, Nicollette Sheridan , Felicity Huffman & Marcia Cross)
– “Entertainment Tonight”

WORLD’S TOP FREELOADERS:
A report by the Organization for Economic Co-operation & Development notes that, per capita, the country with the largest file-sharing population is Canada. A related POLLARA study estimates that at least 14 illegal music files are downloaded for every legal one in Canada. While the 12-to-24 age group comprises just 21% of Canada’s population, it is responsible for 78% of music downloading. It’s estimated that just 6% of Canadian downloaders use so-called ‘legal’ sites.
– “Chart”

THE NEW ALLOWANCE:
About 300 US families are testing out a new product called the ‘Allow Card’, an alternative to the teenage allowance. The special debit card has V-chip-like controls that lets parents set daily, weekly or monthly spending limits, review statements and even select where it can be used. For example, parents can make sure their kids’ debit cards work at gas stations but not at liquor stores.
– “Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel”

DID YOU KNOW?
‘Restaurant’ is the most misspelled word in search engines.

BOSS FOR SALE:
A 2-headed albino rat snake is set to go on sale on eBay with a reserved bid of $150,000. The World Aquarium in St Louis MO has housed the rare reptile named ‘We’ for the past 6 years, but president Leonard Sonnenschein says it’s time the creature found a new home. He expects the snake to sell for as much money as a priceless work of art. However, eBay bans the sale of live animals and says if the creature is listed for bid, it will promptly be removed.
– BBC News

THE BULL SHEET 01.05.2K6

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [75] Robert Duvall, San Diego CA, movie actor (“Kicking & Screaming”, Oscar-“Tender Mercies”)

1942 [64] Charlie Rose, Henderson NC, TV journalist (“Charlie Rose Show” since 1991, “60  Minutes II” 1999-2005)

1946 [60] Diane Keaton (Hall), LA CA, movie actress (“The Family Stone”, Oscar-“Annie Hall”)

1969 [37] Marilyn Manson (Brian Warner), Canton OH, rock singer (“Golden Age of Grotesque”) who wed longtime girlfriend Dita Von Teese DECEMBER 3, 2005

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Bird Day”, a salute to our fine feathered friends, one of the greatest wonders of nature.

• “Guru Gobind Singh’s Birthday”, a celebration in the Sikh faith honoring the 10th ‘Nanak’ (Sikh guru), who was born at Patna, India in 1666.

• “Secondhand Wardrobe Day”, celebrating the unique finds available in vintage clothing stores and thrift shops.

• “Twelfth Night”, the “Eve of Epiphany”. TOMORROW is the “Twelfth Day of Christmas” or “Epiphany” (according to the carol, your true love should give to you ’12 drummers drumming’.) Children in Mexico expect a visit from ‘Los Tres Reyes’ (The Three Kings) who bring gifts camel-back. In Italy, ‘La Befana’, a kindly witch, slides down chimneys on her broom to bring toys and goodies for kids. “Carnival Season” kicks off TOMORROW in many countries and lasts through “Shrove Tuesday”.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2004 [02] Britney Spears’ marriage to childhood friend Jason Alexander is annulled after just 55 hours of wedded bliss

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1835 [171] ‘Worcestershire Sauce’ (pronounced ‘WUSS-ta-sure’) is introduced by Lea & Perrins

1889 [117] According to the “Oxford English Dictionary”, the word ‘Hamburger’ first appears on a restaurant menu, quoted in the “Walla Walla Union” newspaper (Walla Walla WA)

1940 [66] Edwin Armstrong demonstrates his new invention – ‘FM Radio’

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1958 [48] 424 coins and 5 lbs of wire are removed from a man’s stomach in Sedgefield UK

1987 [19] Tony Ferko sets world record by juggling 7 ping pong balls – with his mouth

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] International Respect For Living Day
[Fri] Show & Tell Day at Work
[Fri-Feb 28] Carnival Season
[Sat] Orthodox Christmas
[Sat] Old Rock Day
[Sat] Organize Your Home Day
[Sun] Bubble Bath Day
[Sun] Eat Something Raw Day
This Week Is … Universal Letter-Writing Week (“Dear Aunt Gladys: Thank-you for the really, um, unusual Christmas gift …”)
This Month Is … Careers in Cosmetology Month (as in “Would you like some of this scent sprayed on your wrist?”)

BULL’S BITS

WEIRDEST BS TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Beware! Squirrel Brains Can Kill You!”
• “Wife Uses Hubby’s Toothbrush – to Clean the Commode!”
• “Aliens Return Abducted Pets!”
• “Miracle Cabbage Cures the Sick!”
• “Fat People Good For the Universe!”
• “It’s Official: Breaking Wind Can Kill!”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: You know those gramophones & phonographs from the early 20th Century? THIS is what people would do to lower their sound. It became a common expression.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Put a sock in it.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

 


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