Friday, January 21, 2005        Edition: #2953
Sheet For Brains!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW “Sideways” actor Paul Giamatti hosts “Saturday Night Live” with Ludacris as musical guest (backed up by Sum 41) . . . TOMORROW the 1-week ‘Grand Ole Opry Caribbean Cruise’ leaves Port Canaveral FL with the likes of Trace Adkins and Terri Clark on board as entertainment . . . TOMORROW’s ‘Tsunami Relief Concert’ at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, Wales will include performances by Eric Clapton, Snow Patrol, Charlotte Church & Badly Drawn Boy . . . Meantime, Eric Clapton, Elton John, Phil Collins & Rod Stewart are among artists re-recording Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” to raise money for tsunami relief . . . All is not well with the next ‘James Bond’ movie scheduled for early 2006; there’s a battle over whether it will be a serious, plot-driven film or an action flick heavy with stunts & special effects (there’s also the minor problems of no star, no script, and no director to overcome) . . . Lindsay Lohan’s mother Dina has officially filed for divorce from Lohan’s father Michael, citing ‘cruel & inhuman treatment’ and ‘adultery’ and she’s also filed a restraining order against him (no wonder Lindsay turned out how she did!) . . . Comic book creator Stan Lee has been awarded 10% of all profits generated since 1998 by Marvel Enterprises, including a cut of the $1.6 billion box office from the “Spider-Man” movies alone (wow, that’s a lot of ‘Spidey cents’!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Blue County – “Nothin’ But Cowboy Boots” is by the duo of longtime friends Aaron Benward & Scott Reeves. Reeves played the role of ‘Ryan McNeil’ on daytime TV’s “The Young & the Restless” from 1991-2001.
• 50 Cent – He requested a new 2006 Dodge Charger from Daimler-Chrysler during an interview with an auto magazine before the car had even gone into production. Not wishing to turn down a promo op, the automaker is wasting no time getting him one.
• Keith Urban – He’s donating his 357 Customs Chopper motorcycle, valued circa $78,000, to raise money for meningitis research at TONIGHT’s “Max It Out” charity benefit in Nashville TN.
• Lee Greenwood – SUNDAY he’ll perform his classic “God Bless the USA” at the NFL’s “AFC Championship Game” in Pittsburgh.
• Madonna – A BBC technician reveals she now insists on using a ‘Faye’, a bright light placed at eye level in front of the performer, which helps to hide wrinkles. It gets its name from aging actress Faye Dunaway, who always insists on one.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Are We There Yet?” (PG Family Comedy): As a favor to his new girlfriend, ‘Nick’ (Ice Cube) offers to shuttle her 2 kids between cities for New Year’s Eve. However, the kids have never liked any of the men their mom has dated, and are determined to turn the trip into a nightmare. Nia Long co-stars. Partially shot in Vancouver and Campbell River BC.
• “Assault on Precinct 13″ (R-Rated Crime Thriller): A police captain (Ethan Hawke) must rally the cops and prisoners together to protect their precinct on New Year’s Eve, just as armed criminals surround the station with the intent of releasing an imprisoned gangster (Laurence Fishburne). Co-stars Ja Rule, Gabriel Byrne & Drea de Matteo. Filmed in Toronto.

WEDDING OF THE DECADE?
TOMORROW’s wedding of Donald Trump & Slovenian model Melania Knauss in Palm Beach FL may set a new standard – for excess. A few highlights …
• Invitees include Prince Albert of Monaco, Muhammad Ali, Tony Bennett, NE Patriot QB Tom Brady, P Diddy, Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones, Clint Eastwood, Elton John, Billy Joel, NY Yankee Derek Jeter, Larry King, David Letterman, Liza Minnelli, Miami Heat player Shaquille O’Neal, Luciano Pavarotti, Regis Philbin, Prince Charles, Lionel Richie, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Usher, Bruce Willis, and Oprah Winfrey.
• Trump also invited his 2 previous wives, but both Ivana Trump & Marla Maples have passed.
• Melania Knauss’ hand-embroidered Christian Dior wedding gown cost $100,000. With a 13-foot train and even longer veil, it’s so heavy she’s been advised to eat heartily so she has the strength to make it down the aisle. It took 28 seamstresses to make, with more than 1,000 hours spent working on the intricate stitching. Almost 300 feet of material was used, hand-beaded with more than 1,500 crystal rhinestones. She’s announced, however, that she won’t carry a bouquet. (So what’ll she throw instead – cash?)

HOW COLD IS IT?
It’s soooooo cold in Ottawa that buildings have been making loud cracking sounds causing residents to report gunshots. Police say one possible reason for the loud noises could be – exploding nails! Over 20 panicked calls came in Monday night and early Tuesday morning alone, when the overnight temp dipped to -40 C. (This the temperature at which exposed flesh shatters … and Edmontonians begin to consider long sleeves.)
– Reuters

PLEASE SIR, I WANT MORE:
Porridge might not be your idea of an exciting breakfast, but it’s now being recommended as a healthy choice after being proven to help reduce the risk of a heart attack. Nutritionists say it’s an ideal meal for dieters because it’s high in fiber yet low in sugar, salt, and fat. It also releases carbohydrates slowly into the body, an essential requirement for the new ‘GI (Glycemic Index) Diet’. The toughest battle for porridge – it was considered ‘uncool’ for a long time. (Yea, now it’s downright chic.)
– “Daily Mail”

HEY, BIG GUY!
TOMORROW Patrick Deuel is scheduled to go home to Valentine NE after spending the past 7 months in Avera McKennan Hospital in Sioux Falls SD. Deuel, you might remember, is the guy who was dying of heart failure because he weighed 1,072 lbs – more than half a ton! The hospital designed a special 1,200-calorie-a-day diet and exercise program for him. When his health stabilized, gastric-bypass surgery helped him lose more than 450 lbs. He hopes to eventually slim down to 240 lbs, but right now he’s still around 650. (About the same as the entire backfield of the Pittsburgh Steelers – including ‘The Bus’.)
– AP

WAVES OF GENEROSITY:
What are the least appropriate fund-raisers for tsunami relief that you’ve heard of? How about Hitchin Girls’ School in Hertfordshire UK, which organized 1,000 students to raise funds by joining together in a – giant wave? Or Loughborough University which held a ‘Swim for the Tsunami’ fund-raising swim-a-thon?
– PopBitch.com

BEST US CITIES FOR DATING:
1. Austin, Texas
2. Colorado Springs, Colorado
3. San Diego, California
4. Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina
5. Seattle, Washington
6. Charleston, South Carolina
7. Norfolk, Virginia
8. Ann Arbor, Michigan
9. Springfield, Massachusetts
10. Honolulu, Hawaii
– “Sperling’s Best Places”

FOR THE RECORD:
• According to an international survey, Icelandic women own more vibrators per capita (52%) than women in any other country. (Could this explain Bjork’s singing?)
• 38-year-old Francisca Ramos dos Santos has given birth to a baby boy in Salvador, Brazil that weighed in at – whoa! – 16.7 pounds! The healthy boy has been named ‘Ademilton’ (ah-day-MILL-tone]. (Which is Portuguese for “OOOOUUUUUUCHHHHHH!”)

AND WE QUOTE:
“Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen … they are just like panda bears, everyone’s watching them, waiting to see if they’ll survive.”  – Actress Clare Danes.

THE BULL SHEET 01.21.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [65] Jack Nicklaus, Columbus OH, golf legend (record for winning most majors [18 professional titles], one of only 2 players to win back-to-back Masters)

1941 [64] Placido Domingo, Madrid SPA, opera tenor (“Perhaps Love”, “Three Tenors”)

1950 [55] Billy Ocean, Trinidad WI, oldies singer (Grammy Award-“Caribbean Queen”, “Get Outta My Dreams Get Into My Car”)

1956 [49] (Virginia) Geena Davis, Wareham MA, 6-ft movie actress (“Thelma & Louise”, Oscar-“The Accidental Tourist”)

1976 [29] Emma Bunton, Barnet UK, has-been pop singer (‘Baby Spice’ of Spice Girls-“Wannabe”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
Classic rocker Steve Perry (Journey) is 56; Retired country musician Teddy Gentry (Alabama) is 53; Movie actress Diane Lane (“Under the Tuscan Sun”) is 40; Country singer Regina Nicks (Regina Regina) is 40; TV actor Christopher Kennedy Masterson (“Malcolm in the Middle”) is 25; TV actress Beverley Mitchell (“Seventh Heaven”) is 24.

SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
Classic rocker Patrick Simmons (Doobie Brothers) is 55; Keyboardist Danny Federici (Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band) is 55; Classic rocker Robin Zander (Cheap Trick) is 52; TV actress Mariska Hargitay (“Law & Order: SVU”) is 41.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is –
• “National Hugging Day”, a day to hug anyone who will accept a hug and to see how many you can hug before the day is over. (First, make sure you have a lawyer on retainer.)
• “Squirrel Appreciation Day”. So take a moment today and think about the squirrels. Huh?
• “St Agnes’ Day”, the patron saint of virgins and Girl Scouts.

SATURDAY is –
• “Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day”, a day to concentrate on your feline and answer the questions you think it’s asking.
• “Speak Up & Succeed Day”. (Followed by ‘You’re Fired, You Loudmouth Troublemaker Day’.)
• “Ukrainian Day”, celebrating Ukraine’s formation in 1919.
• “Celebration of Life Day”, a day to honor the gift of children and grandchildren.
• “St Vincent’s Day”, honoring the patron saint of wine growers.

SUNDAY is –
• “Pie Day”, celebrating the pie as an ‘art form’. (Isn’t it better used as a weapon?)
• “Spieling Day”, celebrating the great pastime of blathering.
• “Compliment Day”, a day to bolster someone else’s self-esteem.
• “Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day”, when snowplow drivers are encouraged to take out as many mailboxes as possible.
• “Measure Your Feet Day”, a good day to discover if it’s true what they say about guys with gargantuan feet.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1915 [90] ‘Kiwanis International’ founded in Detroit (now has over 300,000 members in more than 8,000 clubs in 79 countries)

1967 [38] 1st ‘microwave oven’ marketed for the home as Amana offers a $495 counter-top unit  FACTOID: The microwave was invented by accident in 1946, when Raytheon Corp engineer Percy Spencer noticed a candy bar in his pocket melted during tests of a new vacuum tube called a ‘magnetron’.

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1993 [12] World’s ‘largest doughnut’ measures 16 feet in diameter and weighs 3,739 lbs (Utica NY)

COMING UP . . .
[Today] Elementary School Teachers Day
[Today] “Eid-ul-Adha” or “Feast of Sacrifice” (Islam)
[Sun] Handwriting Day
[Mon] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Tues] 77th Academy Award nominations announced
[Tues] 5th International Internet-Free Day
[Tues] Robbie Burns Day
This Week Is . . . Canadian Non Smoking Week
This Month Is . . . Be On-Purpose Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:

• Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?
• Did Adam and Eve have navels?
• Do one-legged ducks swim in circles?
• You know that indestructible little ‘black box’? Why isn’t the whole plane made of that material?
• If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
• How can you avoid hurting someone’s feelings without being a liar?

BS ‘FIND THE FAKE’:
Ask a phone contestant or studio guest to decide which of the following are NOT actual recent articles from women’s magazines …
• “Marriage Makeover: What to Do When You’re Having Chore Wars!”
• “13 Ways to Take His Mind Off the Game (At Least During Halftime)” [FAKE]
• “Get Fit in 45 Minutes or Less!”
• “5 Tricks That Will Totally Rev His Engine!”
• “Relationship Renewal: Here’s Why He Keeps Mumbling!” [FAKE]
• “Is Your Shape Running Your Life?”
• “How to Score a Touchdown in the Sheets Every Night!” [FAKE]
• “Do You Know the Inner Workings of His Male Machinery?”
• “Advanced Sex Positions (#3 Will Have You Grinning for a Week)!”
• “Confessions of Real-Life Desperate Housewives!”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
• I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
• I’ll have you know I work 50 hours a week to be this poor.
• I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 1 out of every 25 of THESE happens in the workplace.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Homicides.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.


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