Tuesday, January 11, 2005        Edition: #2945
More From the Sheethouse!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Ellen DeGeneres’ former girlfriend Alexandra Hedison is not only suing Ellen for ‘galimony’ but also her new lover, “Arrested Development” actress Portia De Rossi, for ‘alienation of affection’ (translation: stealing box lunch) . . . George Bush has been named ‘Movie Villain of the Year’ for “Fahrenheit 9/11″, beating out ‘Doctor Octopus’ and ‘Golum’ for the title (Bush described the award as ‘ridiculous’…as he lounged back in a leather chair and stroked his cat) . . . “Star Wars” actress Natalie Portman has been secretly attending classes at Jerusalem’s Hebrew University (she’s learning Yiddish so she can understand the new “Star Wars” character ‘Oy Vey-D2′) . . . Paris Hilton has a new boy-toy who’s also named Paris – super-rich kid Paris Latsis (so she can yell out her own name during sex without sounding self-obsessed) . . .  Columbia House, famous for its ‘12 CDs for 1 cent’ record club, will launch its own adult video club called ‘Hush’ at the end of THIS MONTH (now you can go blind for a penny) . . . Actor Ben Affleck has coughed up $4.6 million for a 5-bedroom, 5-bathroom home in the Brentwood CA, featuring marble floors and a full ocean view (go ahead and pick on him – life’s good!) . . . And here’s the very definition of gutsy: CBC-TV anchor Wendy Mesley (the former Mrs Peter Mansbridge) has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy, but she’s continuing to work  in between treatments.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Adam Gregory – The “Could Have Fooled Me” singer performed a benefit show for tsunami relief at West Edmonton Mall’s waterpark … right in front of the giant wave pool. (Good idea?)
• Britney Spears – She’s reportedly written a letter to Christina Aguilera in a bid to end their long feud. (Which is more surprising: that Britney can write or that Christina can read?)
• Dierks Bentley – His new girlfriend is a Tennessee Titans cheerleader named Stephanie whom he met when he sang the anthem before a “Monday Night Football” game in DECEMBER. (And got 15 yards for ‘illegal use of hands’.)
• Eric Clapton – He’s confirmed he’ll perform at a Tsunami Relief Concert to be held JANUARY 22nd at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, Wales.
• Fat Joe – The “New York” rapper has an odd hobby: he collects sneakers! But not at the mall; he has scouts all over searching for throwbacks and old collectors’ items like Jordans or Air Force 1’s. He says he gets the rarest from overseas.
• Green Day – TODAY they begin  a 35-date world tour in Berlin, Germany which will wind up MARCH 22nd in Sapporo, Japan.
• Tragically Hip – They’ll appear on the MARCH 14th episode of “Corner Gas”, along with blues singer-guitarist Colin James.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Without a Paddle” (Comedy – DVD): Seth Green, Matthew Lillard and Dax Shepard play 3 city-dwelling friends who go on a camping and canoeing trip with disastrous results – getting hassled by a sheriff, treed by a huge bear, chased by vicious Rottweilers, and battling terrifying rapids. Lame hijinks ensue.
• “The Village” (Thriller – DVD/VHS): M Night Shyamalan’s tale of an isolated 19th-century village confronting the astonishing truth that lies just outside its borders – a race of weird creatures that resides in the woods. Stars Joaquin Phoenix, Adrien Brody, William Hurt & Sigourney Weaver (who says she suffered nightmares for 2 weeks after reading the script).

DISCRIMINATION AGAINST [REALLY] WHITE FOLK?
An activist group called the National Organization for Albinism & Hypopigmentation (NOAH) has been writing letters to producer/director Ron Howard pleading that he NOT typecast the evil monk ‘Silas’ in the upcoming movie version of mega-selling novel “The Da Vinci Code”. You see, ‘Silas’ is described in the book as an albino and the group claims people with the pigmentation disorder are always portrayed as bad guys in films, a stereotype they say that’s become tired. The book also indicates ‘Silas’ has pink eyes, another untruth about those suffering from ‘albinism’. (Hey, compared to other examples of stereotyping in the movies, this pales by comparison … oops … er, sorry.)
– “The Scoop”

HIRED MUSCLE:
In MARCH, university researchers will meet in San Diego CA for an unusual arm-wrestling match between a human being and – an artificial arm made from electro-active synthetics. Scientists working on artificial muscles hope such muscles will eventually take their place inside human bodies, where they could enable extraordinary athleticism. Futurists say that within the next few decades, both athletes and soldiers will be able to use artificial muscles to lift heavier loads and run faster. (It’s also thought the artificial arms will be used to free up both hands to handle the new 18-pound Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch Steak Burger at Burger King.)
– “Electronic Engineering Times”

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Just hours after he addressed a conference on ethics, a French prosecutor has been charged with paying a prostitute … using a stolen credit card. (While smoking crack … driving 100 mph.)
• A chicken farm in Germany is claiming a new world record after a hen laid a gigantic egg weighing 6 ounces. (The hen is also the world’s first to request an epidural before laying.)
• A snake measuring over 19-feet-long has been found inside a factory in Brazil. (They’ve nicknamed it ‘Tommy Lee’.)

HOW TO DEAL WITH A BAD BOSS:
1. Try to understand what’s causing the problem.
2. Try to support the boss whenever possible, so that you’re seen as a team player.
3. Stand up for yourself. Don’t tolerate being yelled at or otherwise treated badly
4. Document the problem by keeping a written record of incidents and when they occur.
5. Look for a new job.
– CareerBuilder.com

WACKO WARNINGS:
Winners in the 8th annual competition sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch to find the strangest product warning labels …
1. On a toilet-cleaning brush: “Do not use for personal hygiene.”
2. On a children’s scooter: “This product moves when used.”
3. On a digital thermometer: “Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally.”
– CNEWS

FOR THE RECORD:
43-year-old cigar-maker Patricio Pena of San Juan, Puerto Rico has hand-rolled a 62-foot-long stogie, which will be the world’s largest if confirmed by the “Guinness Book of World Records”.

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• THIS YEAR marks the 75th anniversary of the invention of the ‘whoopee cushion’.
• The average person tells at least one lie per day.
• In Britain, cocaine now costs less than a cup of coffee

THE BULL SHEET 01.11.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [71] Jean Chrétien, Shawinigan QC, Canada’s beloved 20th Prime Minister (1993-2003)

1942 [63] Clarence Clemons, Norfolk VA, classic rock musician (Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band)

1946 [59] Naomi Judd, Ashland KY, semi-retired country singer (The Judds-“Have Mercy”)/Wynonna’s mommy

1968 [37] Tom Dumont, LA CA, rock guitarist (No Doubt-“It’s My Life”, “Don’t Speak”)

1971 [34] Mary J Blige, Bronx NY, hip-hop singer (w/Sting-“Whenever I Say Your Name”, “Family Affair”)

1972 [33] Amanda Peet, NYC, movie actress (“The Whole Nine [Ten] Yards”, “Something’s Gotta Give”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Canada] “Sir John A Macdonald’s Birthday” (1815). So why isn’t this a holiday?

TODAY is “Tattoo Pride Day”. Hey, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

THIS WEEK is “International Thank-Yous Days”, a week to thank someone from your past who did something nice for you. (Or maybe when you force your kids to write thank-you notes for holiday season gifts?)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1999 [06] “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” debuts on Comedy Central

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2000 [05] “Baby One More Time” album by Britney Spears certified for sales of 11 million copies

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1569 [436] 1st ‘lottery’, in England (and the 1st winner of massive jackpot decides to buy a used car and keep her job)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1911 [94] Temp plunges to -61.1 C in Fort Vermilion, the coldest ever recorded in Alberta

1984 [21] ‘Highest-Scoring NBA Game’ as Denver Nuggets beat San Antonio Spurs 163-155 (a total of 318 total points)

COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] Volunteer Fireman’s Day
[Thurs] Radio Broadcasting 95th Anniversary
[Fri] Assembly Line Worker’s Day
[Fri] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Sat] Hat Day
[Sun] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
This Week Is . . . Intimate Apparel Week
This Month Is . . . Quality of Life Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS VINTAGE SEX SLANG QUIZ:
• In the 1950s, a pregnant girl had …
a. A sock hop.
b. A bun in the oven. [CORRECT]
c. A chicken in the pot.
• Which of the following old-school expressions is slang for a condom?
a. A French postcard.
b. A French letter. [CORRECT]
c. A French glove.
• Which of the following would Victorian prostitutes use as a pickup line?
a. “Oy, looking for a rum punch?”
b. “Are you good natured, dear?” [CORRECT]
c. “Bob’s your uncle.”
• Which woman’s name was a derogatory term for a gay man in the 1890s?
a. Nancy [CORRECT]
b. Betty
c. Molly
• What were WW2 soldiers said to have caught from dalliances with prostitutes?
a. The red paint.
b. The moaning minnies.
c. The clap. [CORRECT]
• What did Shakespeare call ‘hos’?
a. Tarts.
b. Ladies of the evening.
c. Strumpets. [CORRECT]
• In polite terms, a 19th-Century lesbian would have been called …
a. A bloomer.
b. A Sapphist. [CORRECT]
c. Trick question … there weren’t any in the 19th Century.
– “Slang City”

BS PHONE STARTER:
Do you think awards show winners are tipped off ahead of time that they’ll be picking up a trophy? Furthermore, don’t you think celebs who agree to appear on awards shows are more likely to become ‘winners’? (One item of evidence: Sarah Jessica Parker, is nominated for ‘Best Female Performance in a Comedy or Musical’ for “Sex & the City” up against all 3 stars from “Desperate Housewives” at SUNDAY’s “Golden Globe Awards”. She’s skipping the show and going on vacation with actor-hubby Matthew Broderick instead. You can bet she won’t win.)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• J-Lo’s new album is called “Rebirth”. Is that because it’s painful and seems to last a long time?
• New stats show that 50% of men kiss their wife goodbye when leaving the house but 100% of men kiss their house goodbye when leaving the wife.
• In one episode of the upcoming “Simple Life 3″, Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie will work in a morgue. Of course, it’s not the first time Paris has worked with a stiff.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS trendy yet inexpensive new accessory for women is said to be effective in preventing unwanted advances from men.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The ‘fake engagement ring’. (As if the average guy would notice … or care.)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

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