Monday, January 10, 2005        Edition: #2944
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

• If you watched the “People’s Choice Awards” LAST NIGHT you might have noticed … the new look on the red carpet is ‘classy not trashy’. This nouveau modesty means eye-popping frocks slashed clear to the waist and Tara-Reid-style tops that have trouble staying up are a thing of the past. This awards season, “Daily News” speculates that exhibitionist ensembles will be replaced by vintage, golden-era-of-Hollywood gowns, immaculate column dresses and demure full-skirted ’50s-style dresses. “Think Grace Kelly, think Audrey Hepburn,” says celeb stylist Phillip Bloch. (Yeah and think … no male audience.)
• Hollywood golden couple Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston announced late FRIDAY afternoon they’ve decided to separate, CNN reports. Aniston (35) and Pitt (41) began dating in 1998 and wed in 2000. Their reps say the decision is the result of ‘much thoughtful consideration’ and ‘NOT any of the speculation reported by the tabloid media’. (Translation from Hollywoodese: It’s true … he did Angelina Jolie.)
• London tabloid “News of the World” claims Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie, who play a married couple in the upcoming movie “Mr & Mrs Smith”, carried on a passionate affair for a year. Jennifer Aniston reportedly found out about it when she listened in on a phone call and heard them having … phone sex! (“So tell me, Achilles … what are you wearing?”)
• Actress Cameron Diaz will reportedly wed boyfriend Justin Timberlake, says “Daily Dish”. She was spotted proudly showing off a glittering diamond engagement ring at a restaurant gathering to celebrate the news with close pals. (Whoever thought ‘Princess Fiona’ would end up with the ‘Donkey’?)
• UK’s “Sun” reports that pseudo-actress Pam Anderson has launched a line of upscale accessories … for dogs! Her fashions for furry friends include colorful collars and leashes. (Makes sense … she knows all about doggy style.)
• Teen celeb and minor pop singer Aaron Carter has been involved in an accident on a Florida highway when a mattress fell off a truck in front of him and got stuck under his Cadillac Escalade SUV. “Star Magazine” reports that, after Carter pulled over and got out of his vehicle, it suddenly burst into flames. Carter admits he’s lucky saying, “I can’t believe I survived another near-death experience.” (Militant underground advocacy group ‘Off Our Plastic Popsters’ [OOPS] promises to keep trying.)
• “Las Vegas Review Journal” tells us that NFL quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who will win ‘Rookie of the Year’ for helping his Pittsburgh Steelers to the best record in the NFL, is dating 5-foot-9 blonde Natalie Gulbism, known as ‘the Anna Kournikova of golf’. (In other words, she’s a real babe … but can’t hit a green in under 10.)
• TONIGHT actor Tom Cruise will receive a career achievement award at the Broadcast Film Critics Association’s 10th annual “Critics Choice Awards”. “E! Online” reports the ceremony airs live from Los Angeles on the WB. (File this under ‘Handing a Mega-star a Big Ego Stroke in Order to Garner Publicity for Yet Another Lame Awards Show’.)
• Acting couple Antonio Banderas & Melanie Griffith have had their application to move into a $3.8 million apartment in NYC’s posh Dakota building turned down, says World Entertainment News Network. It seems residents don’t want another ‘John Lennon incident’. Former resident Lennon was murdered at the building’s entrance in 1980. (Yeah, imagine the worldwide outpouring of grief and angst if Melanie Griffith was ever shot.)
• Actor Paul Newman’s race car caught fire SATURDAY during a test run at Florida’s Daytona International Speedway but the Oscar-winning Hollywood icon managed to escape injury, reports “E! Online”. (The 79-year-old was apparently rear-ended while doing 15 mph in the passing lane … with his left blinker stuck on.)
• Actor Kevin Spacey is set to play ‘Lex Luthor’ in the upcoming “Superman” movie and Kate Bosworth is in talks to play ‘Lois Lane’, “Hollywood Reporter” confirms. Newcomer Brandon Routh has already been cast as the ‘Man of Steel’. (Since news of the casting broke, Christopher Reeve has been spinning in his grave … which doctors say is actually a massive improvement.)

• Gretchen Wilson – Her debut album “Here For the Party” has scanned almost 3 million units, making her 2004’s top-selling debut artist of any genre.
• Jessica Simpson – She’s suing California jeweler ‘Inspired Silver’ for illegally using her image in Internet ads.
• Jimmy Buffett – TODAY he appears on the syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Kenny Chesney – He’s featured in TODAY’S issue of “People” magazine.
• Los Lonely Boys – Drummer Ringo Garza and wife Lenora have been arrested at their San Angelo TX home for possession of a small amount of marijuana. (“How far is heaven?” Apparently, less than less than 2-ounces away!)
• Mario – TONIGHT he’s on CBS-TV’s “Late Late Show”.
• Nelly – He’s donating $50,000 to the ‘Martin Luther King Jr Memorial Project Foundation’ to help build a $100-million monument to King on the mall in Washington DC.
• Tim McGraw – He’s featured in the FEBRUARY issue of “Men’s Health” now on newsstands.
• U2 – They’ve been forced to postpone their world tour, due to kick-off in Miami MARCH 1st, because of an undisclosed family illness. As yet there’s no announcement on when the massive 10-month, 114-date tour will begin. They will, however, still play at the Grammy Awards on FEBRUARY 13th.

Wildlife officials in India and Sri Lanka have been shocked by an unusual lack of animal deaths from the recent tsunami, reinforcing the belief that animals may have some sort of 6th sense which alerts them to danger in their environment. Despite massive flooding at Yala National Park, Sri Lanka’s largest wildlife reserve, not a single animal corpse of any kind was found. (Maybe it’s coz they don’t rely on a screen to tell them everything they need to know?)
– Yahoo News

E-dating is no longer the cutting-edge activity it was once considered. Spending on online personal ads dipped LAST YEAR and, although there are still over 800 dating Websites, some of them have begun cutting employees. Why? Customers say they’ve been disappointed with the dates they met, who ended up being nothing like expected. Female e-daters complain that many of the men online are either married or just ‘window-shopping’. So what’s the alternative? Many e-daters have now gone back to real-life dating services and/or matchmaking from friends. (Finding out sexy ‘Suzanne’ is actually a sadistic 300-lb trucker can be so disillusioning, can’t it?)
– “New York Times”

Astronomer Charles Lineweaver of Australia’s University of New South Wales speculates that the reason aliens haven’t contacted us is that … Earthlings are just too boring! He estimates that Earth-like planets around other stars would be an average 1.8 billion years older than Earth, so any intelligent beings on those planets would be so advanced that they would think of us as nothing more than bacteria. (Especially if they happened to catch an episode of “According to Jim”.)
– “New Scientist”

• 88% of men say it’s still their job to take out the trash.
• 79% of Canadians approve of Prime Minister Paul Martin’s response to the tsunami disaster.
• 73% of us say ‘I Love You‘ at least once per day.
• 72% of men refuse to ever wear pink, no matter how trendy it becomes.
• 21% of us admit we are regularly bored out of our minds.
• 19% of men wouldn’t mind being stupid if they had a perfect body.
• 8% of us would agree to have a reality TV show film us having sex.

To celebrate the publication of his new book “Adult Origami”, Nick Robinson has created the ‘World’s Largest Origami Penis’. The throbbing phallus stands a full 10 feet, 7 inches. (Gee, is that all?)
– Ananova

LA Laker Kobe Bryant’s #8 jersey has fallen out of the top 50-selling NBA jerseys.

“It’s like ordering a pizza. Someone comes around, you spend an hour, you have a smoke with them afterwards.”
– Actor Colin Farrell tells “B Magazine” about the practicalities of paying for sex.


1945 [60] Rod Stewart, London UK, wrinkle-rocker (“Maggie May”, “Do You Think I’m Sexy”)/ Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1994)

1948 [57] Donald Fagen, Passaic NJ, classic rock singer (Steely Dan-“Hey 19″, “Reeling in the Years”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2001)

1953 [52] Pat Benatar (Andrzejewski), Brooklyn NY, classic rocker (“Hit Me With Your Best Shot”)/4 consecutive Grammy Awards for ‘Best Female Rock Vocal Performance’ 1980-83

1964 [41] Brad Roberts, Winnipeg MB, pop singer (Crash Test Dummies-“Ghosts That Haunt Me”, “Mmm Mmm Mmm”)

1978 [27] Matt Roberts, Escatawpa MS, rock guitarist (3 Doors Down-“Away From The Sun”, “Here Without You”)

Hey, keeners! TODAY is “Thank God It’s Monday Day”. What can one say but … yeah, right.

TODAY is “Clean-Off-Your-Desk Day”. And when you do, let us know the strangest item you find!

TODAY is “BS Egg Balancing Day”, when you can take your average egg, place it on it’s fat end and it will stand on its own (the key is removing your supporting fingers very, very gently). Ask listeners to try it out and call in with results. It all has to do with physics or hieroglyphics … or something.

TODAY is “Peculiar People Day”, a good day to have listeners call in stories about the weird habits of people they know.

1999 [06] Acclaimed TV series “The Sopranos” debuts on HBO

2000 [05] Rocker Melissa Etheridge and partner Julie Cypher reveal that dinosaur rocker David Crosby is the biological father of their 2 children

1863 [142] World’s 1st ‘subway’ opens (the ‘Metropolitan’ in London, aka the ‘tube’)

2000 [05] ‘Largest Corporate Merger’ as America Online announces it will buy Time-Warner for $162 billion

2000 [05] Tisdale SK bakery achieves record of 76 eggs standing for annual “BS Egg Balancing Day”

[Tues] Tattoo Pride Day
[Tues] International Thank-Yous Days
[Thurs] Volunteer Fireman’s Day
[Fri] Assembly Line Worker’s Day
[Fri] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Fri] Russian Orthodox New Year
[Sun] 62nd “Golden Globe Awards”

Intimate Apparel Week
Grave’s Disease Week
Thank-Your-Customers Week
Handwriting Analysis Week


Some of these are actual current headlines from supermarket tabloids; others are complete BS fakes. You run down the list while your contestant decides which are which …
• “New Study Says ‘Stitch in Time’ Saves Only 8!”
• “Grim Reaper to Retire – People Will Live Forever!”
• “Three-Headed Man Gets Discount on Hats!” [FAKE]
• “World’s Oldest Woman Thrives on Lard & Booze!”
• “Giant Pigeon Terrorizes New York!”
• “Jennifer Reveals That Brad’s a Girly-Man!” [FAKE]
• “Island Tribe Worships Gilligan Like a God!”
• “Post Office to Issue XXX Stamps to Honor Porn Stars!”
• “Peanut Butter Can Make You Sterile!” [FAKE]
• “Ear Wax DNA Does Not Lie – Osama Bin Laden Is a Woman!”
– “Weekly World News”

A rabid “Star Wars” fan is so keen to see “Episode 3: Revenge Of The Sith”, he’s set up camp outside a cineplex … 22 weeks early! Jeff Twieden has been living in front of a downtown Seattle theater since JANUARY 1st. It’s not the first time he’s pulled this stunt. In 1999, he and another fan camped out for months in the same spot to see “Episode 1″. However there is a potential problem this time – it’s not for sure the new episode is even going to play at the Seattle Cinerama. If it doesn’t, he says he’ll just relocate (and/or get a life).
PHONER: 206.342.2000 (Jason Hunke, Seattle Cinerama, 2100 4th Ave)
PHONER: 206.859.9919/206.728.9857 (pay phones down the street)

Today’s Question: Online dating experts say that if you want to get a lot of dates, you should never do THIS in the photo for your profile.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Pose with your cat.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.


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