Thursday, January 22, 2004        Edition: #2708
You’ve Got Yourself in Deep Sheet!

Conan O’Brien has invited a slew of Canadian-born guests to NEXT MONTH’S taping in Toronto, including Mike Myers, Michael J Fox, Eric McCormack, Nickleback, Barenaked Ladies, & comedian Ron James (is exposure on a US show that airs at 12:30 am really worth a million bucks to Toronto?) . . . . During shooting of the final episode THIS WEEK, the cast & crew of “Friends” have been stunned by the arrest of 2 drug dealers on the set, who are accused of selling cocaine and marijuana to various employees after a 2-month LAPD surveillance operation . . . Four female jazz musicians are suing Julia Roberts, claiming they were paid less for appearing in her movie “Mona Lisa Smile” than their male counterparts (interesting, considering the film’s about female empowerment) . . . Rumor has it Britney Spears plans to write her life story THIS YEAR, tentatively titled “On My Own”, to include a tell-all about her relationships with Justin Timberlake, Fred Durst & her ‘life partner’ for 2 days, Jason Alexander (her people are denying it) . . . Elvis fans can now own an actual 2-inch piece of recording tape from one of his early studio sessions – for a mere $495! . . . In an unsuccessful bid to steal a page from Michael Jackson, flacks for Martha Stewart urged her fans to show up before her appearance in Manhattan court THIS WEEK but a source on the scene only counted – 2 . . . The 4th ‘Harry Potter’ film, “The Goblet Of Fire”, will reportedly be the most expensive movie ever made, with a budget over – $310 million (by comparison, “Titanic” cost $200 million) . . . And Ben Affleck has stunned journalists in Madrid, Spain by holding a press conference totally in Spanish, revealing the ironic fact that Ben speaks the language better than his fiancée Jen, even though her heritage is Puerto Rican.

For an upcoming biopic, Alec Baldwin is being wooed to play late designer Halston who died in 1990 of AIDS, a role that would require him to lose 30 lbs and act out a full-blown gay love scene . . . Meantime, the upcoming flick “When Will I Be Loved?” features a girl-on-girl scene between Neve Campbell Campbell & Joelle Carter that director James Toback claims is the most beautiful and tastefully erotic lesbian scene ever, and totally ‘designed’ by the actresses . . .”Lord Of The Rings” actor Sean Astin claims he’s being considered to make his directing debut on the upcoming big-budget Marvel comics adaptation “Fantastic Four”, but he’ll have to beat out Steven Soderbergh who already has George Clooney in his pocket to play leader ‘Reed Richards’ . . . Director Steven Spielberg is set to make a trio of movies based on the Belgian cartoon character ‘Tintin’, a staple in European comics for 75 years but virtually unknown elsewhere . . . Dustin Hoffman is set to play Ben Stiller’s father in “Meet the Fockers”, a sequel to the 2000 hit comedy “Meet the Parents” (at 5 foot-5, Dustin’s kind of a little Focker, isn’t he?)  . . . And buzz from the Sundance Film Festival is that Britney Spears has signed on for a role in the upcoming comedy “In the Pink”, which will star Tim Allen as an executive forced to sell cosmetics door-to-door after losing his high-profile job.

• 66% of divorce lawyers polled say that the most dangerous new threat to a marriage that’s emerged in the past 30 years is – the personal computer. (Don’t believe it? Try asking your spouse for his or her password.)
• 62% of married couples admit they at least occasionally have trouble getting along with their spouses. (The other 38% are liars.)
• 32% of single women say they are most likely to carry a condom when they go to a party, 26% say they bring one to a bar, 15% to a concert, 11% on a first date, and 9% say they carry one to work. (Good idea, seeing as you’re getting screwed on your pay every week.)

Israeli mathematician Amir Lieberman has developed a lie detector small enough to fit into eyeglasses that was originally designed for military, insurance claim and law enforcement use. But now American company V Entertainment is hoping to repackage the technology for personal and corporate applications. (If you had a lie detector who would you question and what would you ask?)

Thanks to concerns over privacy and identity theft, the paper shredding industry is booming. According to the ‘National Association for Information Destruction’ (we kid you not!), the industry has been growing by up to 20% annually over the past few years. (A lot of this is hoopla over nothing. The same people who are frightened to death of using their credit card number online will routinely leave a VISA carbon lying on their restaurant table when they leave.)
Source: “Chicago Tribune”

Nintendo has announced plans for a new portable game system tentatively called the ‘Nintendo DS’, which stands for ‘Double Screen’, scheduled for release later THIS YEAR. The new system will have 2 illuminated 3-inch color screens to allow multiple views of the same game, plus a gigabyte of memory. (Remember when a high-end PC had a gig of memory? When was that, like 3 years ago?)

German researchers claim they’ve disproved the conventional belief that the adult brain does not change in size except to diminish from aging or disease. Their study suggests that juggling and other visual skills that take time to master may actually increase the size of your brain. (Yeah, isn’t that what you always say when you see a street performer? Wow, you’ve got no job but you can eat fire. You must be a genius!)

A British con man has been sentenced to 9 months in prison after pleading guilty to – impersonating other people for their driving exams. Danny Sorhaindo has passed the UK’s extremely tough driving test some 99 times, charging his ‘clients’ $1,000 apiece for his expertise. He was finally caught by the London cops and charged with ‘conspiracy to obtain property by deception’. (The good new is, he’s starring in “Catch Me If You Can 2″.)

Tried to read your kid’s school bulletin lately? Here’s a dictionary of some of the gobble-speak terminology used by modern educators – with translations to English …
• ‘Brief Constructed Response’ – A Paragraph
• ‘Extended Constructed Response’ — An Essay
• ‘Evidence of Student Learning’ – Marks
• ‘Formative Assessment’ – A Test
• ‘Learning Cottage’ – Portable Classroom
• ‘Modeling Efficient Subtraction Strategies’ – Learning to Subtract
• ‘Reflection Room’ – Detention Room
• ‘Selected Response’ – Multiple Choice
• ‘Standard Units of Credit’ – Classes
• ‘Sustained Silent Reading’ or ‘SSR’ – Reading to Yourself
• ‘Text-to-Text Connection’ – Comparing Books
(And I swear to you when I taught college that, instead of ‘Students’, administration used the term ‘Funding Units’ … commonly abbreviated to ‘FUs’.)
Source: “Washington Post”

More than 10% of all the salt produced annually in the world is used to de-ice North American roads. (The good news is – the other 90% is used for tequila shooters. Yee-haw!)


1949 [55] Steve Perry, Hanford CA, classic rock singer (“Oh Sherry”, Journey-“Open Arms”)

1952 [52] Teddy Gentry, Ft Payne AL, retiring country singer (Alabama-“When It All Goes South”, “Say I”)/2003 American Music Awards ‘Award of Merit’ for lifetime achievement

1965 [39] Diane Lane, NYC, movie actress (“Under the Tuscan Sun”, 2003 Oscar nomination-“Unfaithful”, “The Perfect Storm”)

1980 [24] Christopher Kennedy Masterson, Long Island NY, TV actor (‘Francis‘-“Malcolm in the Middle”)

TODAY “Lunar New Year” or “Chinese New Year” begins, a 2-week celebration and transition from the old ‘Year of the Sheep’ to the new ‘Year of the Monkey’.
• It’s the biggest celebration of the year for Chinese around-the-globe, about 20% of the world’s population.
• Retailers say the monkey symbol is much more marketable than other Chinese zodiac signs.
• Chinese women are buying themselves special ‘Funky Monkey’ pink panties and their husbands red briefs featuring smiling cartoon monkeys, hoping they’ll bring good fortune and increase sexual potency.
• It’s believed that babies born in a monkey year will be very smart and have a lively character. Monkey babies include Chinese basketball superstar Yao Ming and movie actress Lucy Liu.
• Chinese astrologers say the monkey year will bring unrest, revolution, and overthrow of government. Bluffs, tricks, ruses and deceptions abound during monkey years.
• ‘Happy Chinese New Year!’ is expressed by ‘Gung Hay Fat Choy!’

TODAY is “Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day”, a day to concentrate on your feline and answer the questions you think it’s asking.
• Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food.
• Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
• Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
• Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
• Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
• Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
• Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
• Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the
cost of the furniture.

TODAY-February 8th, the 118th“St Paul Winter Carnival” shivers in St Paul MN, featuring a giant 75-ft-tall, 240-ft-long ice palace that took 55,000 man-hours to build, using 27,000 blocks of ice. The annual frigid fest is known as the ‘Coolest Celebration on Earth’. Yeah, so how cold is it?
PHONER: 651.223.4700 (Saint Paul Festival & Heritage Foundation)

TODAY is “Speak Up & Succeed Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘You’re Fired, You Loudmouth Troublemaker Day’).

TODAY is “Ukrainian Day”, celebrating Ukraine’s formation in 1919. Have you noticed that the capital we used to call ‘Kiev’ is now officially spelled ‘Kyiv’ and pronounced ‘kay-YEEV’?

TODAY is “Celebration of Life Day”, a day to honor the gift of children and grandchildren.

TODAY is “Women’s Healthy Weight Day”, a day to honor women of all sizes and confirm that beauty, talent and love cannot be weighed. (Formerly known as ‘Fat Ladies Day’.)

TODAY is “St Vincent’s Day”, honoring the patron saint of wine growers. Tradition says: ‘Sunshine on St Vincent’s Day means the year’s wine will be more plentiful than water.’

THIS WEEK is “National Thrift Week”, a good excuse to give away ‘thrift store shopping sprees’ – worth 5 bucks each! Have the winners call back to tell about their treasures. (Or pit 2 listeners against each other in a shopping showdown.)

1952 [52] 1st ‘nude beach’ in USA opens

1997 [07] USA’s 1st female Secretary of State (Madeleine Albright)

1992 [12] Canada’s 1st female astronaut (Roberta Bondar lifts off in space shuttle ‘Discovery’ as Canada’s 2nd astronaut)

1964 [40] World’s ‘largest cheese’ (34,590 lbs/15,723 kg) produced in Wisconsin

1982 [22] It’s estimated that 75% of North America is covered by snow

[Fri] Handwriting Day
[Fri] Measure Your Feet Day
[Fri] Spieling Day
[Fri] Compliment Day
[Sun] 61st Golden Globe Awards
[Sun] Opposite Day
[Mon] Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
This Week Is . . . Jaycee Week / National Thrift Week
This Month Is . . . Egg Month / Eye Care Month


Here’s a bit to record using the SFX of clicks and static bursts to simulate changing channels on a TV remote …
    “Tonight, it’s the ‘The Apprentice’ starring Donald Trump – because your own boss isn’t a big enough ass…” [SFX] “… Hilton & Nichole Richie in the follow-up to ‘The Simple Life’ – ‘Survivor: Rodeo Drive’. As the incredibly lousy San Diego Chargers say, ‘At least we’ll have Paris!’ …” [SFX] “… scariest ‘Fear Factor’ ever – they’re eating leftovers! [“Oh no! It’s the meatloaf!!!!”] … [SFX] … [Tap-tap-tap, tap-tap-tap, tap-tap-tap] “On the next episode of ‘Truly Blind Date’ …” [SFX] “… thanks to a cold snap in California, you’ll hear the melodious clanging that Anna Nicole’s breasts make when she walks …” [SFX] “… elcome to ‘Celebrity Mole’ – starring Enrique Iglesias & Cindy Crawford …” [SFX] “… on ‘The Osbournes’, a demolition derby to the finish …” [SFX] “… on the next ‘Newlyweds’, you’ll hear Jessica say ‘Hey Nick honey, how come this smells like fish but tastes like chicken?’ … [SFX] … [AGGGGHHHH!] “This time the cosmetic surgery on ‘Extreme Makeover’ is without anesthetic” [AGGGGHHHH!] … [SFX] “… don’t care what Paula & Randy say, that’s the most pathetic singing I’ve ever heard in my …” [GUNSHOT] … [SFX] … “watch her bleed him dry on ‘Trista & Ryan’s Divorce’ …” [SFX] …”No, you’re not watching ‘My Big Fat Obnoxious Average Joe’. The TV’s off. That’s just your reflection on the blank screen, pal.”

• Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
• Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.
• It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
• What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

Today’s Question: More men than women say THIS makes a person more attractive.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A tan.

There’s an easy way to lose weight. Eat stuff you hate.


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