Wednesday, January 21, 2004        Edition: #2707
We’ve Gone Bullistic!

TONIGHT ABC-TV’s “The Bachelorette” features a hot date that was taped in a gigantic rented Beverly Hills mansion that just happens to be – the one Michael  Jackson is now living in . . . Michael Jackson’s next appearance in court may be delayed until the summer – because his lawyer is busy with other cases (let’s just hope Mikey isn’t ‘busy’ with other cases too) . . . TONIGHT the Dave Navarro-Carmen Electra getting-married reality series begins on MTV (“Trista & Ryan”, only rock style) . . . CTV has announced the search for the next “Canadian Idol” begins FEBRUARY 13th in Ottawa, where LAST YEAR’S winner Ryan Malcolm auditioned (he can’t sing, and looks really geeky & awkward – how come nobody will say it?) . . . Christina Aguilera says she’s removed all her piercings except for one ‘in a special place’ after she discovered her holey look was scaring kids (thanks for sharing, honey) . . . Word has it Mick Jagger is paying a whopping $42,000-a-week for 24/7 security for daughter Jade’s children after receiving a police report that mobsters were planning to kidnap them (maybe the ransom would be cheaper?) . . . Wingy Jessica Simpson & husband Nick Lachey are shooting a variety special for ABC-TV that she hopes will set ‘a new trend of performing couples’ (or performing seals or some damn thing) . . . Another sign Mariah Carey’s career needs an ‘adjustment’ – her latest gig was singing for a Las Vegas chiropractors’ convention . . . Attorneys for lawsuit-happy actress Catherine Zeta-Jones have managed to stop an unauthorized biography of her, convincing  Virgin Publishing to shelve the book – or else! . . . And NBC-TV expects to reap a $70-million windfall from the final night of “Friends”, thanks to advertisers who are shelling out a record $2 million apiece for 30-second spots.

New terms leaking into the lingo –
• ‘Thrivers’ – A marketing term for people in their 50s who are still interested in new music, but tend to buy CDs rather than download it. Record companies are trying to capitalize by creating  ‘new grey music’ specifically aimed at the over-50 market. (Train, Uncle Kracker, Celine Dion, Josh Groban, Clay Aiken, etc)
• ‘Nicotini’ – A nicotine-laced martini, offering all the ‘benefits’ of a cigarette but ingested in a more PC way, now that smoking is banned in many bars. (How do you get the damn thing lit?)
• ‘Parallel Parenting’ – A system of raising children in which each member of a divorced couple assumes specific parenting duties but avoids contact with the other. (“You wanna talk about sex? Ask your mother.”)

A new form of body modification called the ‘3D Art Implant’ involves placing an object under the skin to create a design on the skin’s surface. An incision is made, a piece of metal is positioned – usually titanium, solid silicone, Teflon, or stainless steel – and you’re stitched right back up. The ‘metal art’ can take the form of anything from flowers to spikes, horns, or unusual ridges and bumps. Unlike tats, art implants are easily removed. Their biggest drawback – they can sometimes shift around under the skin. (You spend your teenage years fighting zits, then get bumps implanted?)
Source: “New Yorkish”

According to a study for the consumer product Static Guard, the ‘static season’ in Canada runs from December through March. The driest city, in both summer and winter, and therefore the one most likely to experience static trouble is Whitehorse YT. Timmins ON is central Canada’s driest city, while Moncton NB is the driest in the Maritimes.
Source: “Globe & Mail”

The average work week in Britain is now 44 hours, compared to 43 hours in the USA, 39 hours in Germany, and the lucky workers of France who average just 38 hours weekly. (The morning crew is doing its best to help America beat the French.)
Source: “Christian Science Monitor”

Singing strengthens the immune system, according to research at the University of Frankfurt in Germany. Scientists tested the blood of people who sang in a professional choir before and after a 60-minute rehearsal of Mozart’s “Requiem”. They found that concentrations of both antibodies in the immune system and the anti-stress hormone hydrocortisone increased significantly during the rehearsal. (Great, karaoke singers are gonna be immortal!)
Source: “Journal of Behavioral Medicine”

California Institute of Technology is making some green off the red planet. Cal Tech runs the Jet Propulsion Laboratory for NASA and patented the rovers sent to investigate the surface of Mars. Now its licensing their images for commercial use. In fact, models of the 6-wheeled ‘Spirit’ rover are already on toy store shelves. (With little cameras that show exciting pictures of dirt and rocks.)
Source: AP Science

Thousands of Indonesians now make a living by – arranging crowds. The industry has flourished ever since mobs took to the streets in 1998, ousting former president Suharto who had previously banned all demonstrations. Nowadays, mobs of angry students, urban or rural poor people, supporters for a cause, or opposition can all be rented for a price. Professional demonstrators each get a stipend circa $2 to $6, a boxed lunch and a bottle of water. (Howard Dean is apparently looking into it.)
Source: Reuters

‘Right-Hand Diamond Rings’ have become a hot commodity thanks to an ad campaign by diamond producer DeBeers. The ads are aimed at successful women who are increasingly buying expensive jewelry – for themselves. According to the most recent stats available, women’s self-purchasing of fine jewelry almost doubled from 1999 to 2001 alone. Right-hand rings are no different than other diamond rings, except they’re worn on the right hand, while engagement rings are worn on the left. The DeBeers campaign is called “Women of the World, Raise Your Right Hand!”. (For women who are no longer satisfied with a houseful of cats.)
Source: “The Business Journals”

Studies at the University of Miami’s Touch Research Institute show that kids in North America are becoming increasingly touch-deprived, rarely getting hugs or having their hands held. It may sound silly but researchers say it can become a very serious problem. For instance, when monkeys are deprived of touch long-term, they start killing each other! (In related news, Michael Jackson’s attorneys are looking into a new defense …)
Source: “Miami Herald”

•  A New Zealand train engineer has gone on indefinite stress leave after running over – a garden gnome. The gnome was placed on railway tracks south of Auckland as a practical joke, but the Tranz Rail driver thought he had killed a child and reported it to police. (I could use a day or two off also – I thought my girlfriend was pregnant but it just turned out to be my blow-up doll.)
Source: AFP
• A Ugandan man has been stabbed – over a piece of roast chicken. Apparently the man, who runs a chicken roasting stall, saw a friend grab some chicken without permission. When he asked him not to eat the profits, the ‘friend’ pulled a knife and stabbed him. The suspect is thought to be an opium smoker. (PETA will somehow make this into an ad.)
Source: “The Monitor”
• Winston Churchill’s pet parrot ‘Charlie’, which he bought in 1937, is now 104 years old – and still cussing the Nazis. Observers at the garden center where the bird now lives say that some of her favorite sayings are ‘F— Hitler’ and ‘F— the Nazis’. And she still has the grand old man’s inflection! (Polly wanna stogey?)
Source: “Jack Magazine”
• Microsoft Corp has sicced its lawyers on 17-year-old Mike Rowe of Victoria BC. His crime? Running a Website with the domain name ‘’. But the evil empire’s interference may have backfired – now the kid’s getting a quarter-million hits a day at the site, where he’s taking donations for his ‘Defence Fund’. (It’s “Kill Bill, Volume 2″.)
Source: “The Register”


1940 [64] Jack Nicklaus, Columbus OH, golf legend (record for winning most majors [18 professional titles], one of only 2 players to win back-to-back Masters)

1941 [63] Placido Domingo, Madrid SPA, opera tenor (“Perhaps Love”, “Three Tenors”)

1950 [54] Billy Ocean, Trinidad WI, oldies singer (Grammy Award-“Caribbean Queen”, “Get Outta My Dreams Get Into My Car”)

1956 [48] (Virginia Elizabeth) Geena Davis, Wareham MA, 6-foot movie actress (“Thelma & Louise”, Oscar-“The Accidental Tourist”)

1968 [36] Charlotte Ross, Winnetka IL, TV actress (‘Detective Connie McDowell‘-“NYPD Blue” since 2001)

TODAY is “Weedless Wednesday”, a focal point of Canada’s “National Non-Smoking Week” from its beginning in 1977, focusing media and public attention on the benefits of cessation and the community resources available to help smokers quit.

TODAY is “Squirrel Appreciation Day”. So take a moment today and think about the squirrels. Huh?

TODAY is “National Hugging Day”, a day to hug anyone who will accept a hug. So go ahead, give somebody a big embrace! Then get sued for sexual harassment.

TODAY is “St Agnes’ Day”, the patron saint of virgins and Girl Scouts. (Hear about the pregnant Girl Scout? She kept tossing her cookies.)

TOMORROW is “Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day”, a day to concentrate on your feline and answer the questions you think it’s asking. So bring in your puss – or some good SFX.

1915 [89] ‘Kiwanis International’ founded in Detroit (now has over 300,000 members in more than 8,000 clubs in 79 countries)

1922 [82] 1st ‘slalom ski race’ run (Murren, Switzerland)

1967 [37] 1st ‘microwave oven’ marketed for the home as Amana offers a $495 counter-top unit  FACTOID: The microwave was invented by accident in 1946, when Raytheon Corp engineer Dr Percy Spencer noticed a candy bar in his pocket melted during tests of a new vacuum tube called a ‘magnetron’.

1993 [11] World’s ‘largest doughnut’ measures 16 feet in diameter and weighs 3,739 lbs (Utica NY)

[Thurs] Chinese New Year (Year of the Monkey)
[Thurs] Speak Up & Succeed Day
[Thurs] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Fri] Measure Your Feet Day
[Fri] Compliment Day
[Sun] Opposite Day
[Mon] Australia Day
This Week Is . . . International Printing Week / Worldwide Kiwanis Week
This Month Is . . . Be On-Purpose Month / Candy Month


• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you’ll get what you want.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
• Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by peeing on their shoes.
• Don’t go out without ID.
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you’re dragged out from under the bed).
• If it’s not wet and sloppy, it’s not a real kiss.

• Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Those men already have boyfriends.
• How do you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
• I was very unassuming as a child. In fact, I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend

“Which celeb couple are just becoming altogether too sickening to stomach? Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey? Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher? Paris Hilton & Nick Carter?”

Today’s Question: 22% of wives say they’d like to change THIS about their husbands.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their ‘lack of style’.

Idealism increases in proportion to the distance from the problem.


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