Monday, January 19, 2004        Edition: #2705
The Sheet Hits the Fans!!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• “News of the World” has spotted Britney Spears looking ‘grim-faced’ when she arrived with her mom for an appointment at LA’s Centinela Hospital Medical Center. Apparently a second opinion was sought on whatever the problem is, because she was spotted the very next morning at Parkside Medical Center in Santa Monica. A source at the medical complex tells the rag she looked ‘very downcast and subdued’. Meantime, “Daily Dish” claims to have discovered what Britney paid ex-hubby Jason Alexander for agreeing to annul their 55-hour marriage. After hours of negotiations with Britney’s advisers, Alexander reportedly agreed to dissolve the marriage in return fora lump sum of $540,000.
• “NY Daily News” reports that 54-year-old singer Billy Joel has proposed to his 22-year-old girlfriend Katie Lee while holidaying on the trendy Caribbean island of St Bart’s. It’ll be his 3rd, her 1st. (Just think, Billy was 32 when his future bride was born.)
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid says hip-hop producer Danger Mouse is removing the vocals from Jay-Z’s “Black Album” and recording them over music from The Beatles’ 1968 “White Album”, to create what will be called “The Grey Album” when its released in MARCH. (We smell lawsuits.)
• “E! Online” reports George Harrison’s family has settled that lawsuit against a doctor who purportedly forced the dying musician to autograph a guitar for his son. The deal? The estate will buy the kid a new guitar – as soon as the guitar in question is destroyed.
• Model Rachel Hunter is lucky to be alive, says “Sun”. The soon-to-be-ex-wife of Rod Stewart had just checked in to the Hotel Desconocido in Puerto Vallerta, Mexico to shoot a topless spread for “Playboy” when a fire started in her suite. Fortunately for Hunter, she was in the hotel’s restaurant at the time. Hotel guests were evacuated while a number of the bungalow suites burned to the ground. Oh, the naked shoot went ahead as planned – after all, “Playboy” is paying her $1.8 million!
• “Variety” reports that CBS-TV has given the go-ahead for a 3rd “CSI” series, this one set in Manhattan, but “CSI: New York” will reportedly employ some sort of twist on the show’s successful format. (Like “Law & Order”, they’re set on giving us seemingly endless carbon copies.)
• “The Mail on Sunday” says Harrison Ford’s ex-wife, 53-year-old Melissa Mathison, will get a whopping $90 million-plus in their divorce settlement. According to the tab, the deal breaks new ground because it not only divides the couple’s assets, but also awards future earnings from the movies he made while they were together. The couple did not have a pre-nuptial agreement. (But you can bet any future Mrs Ford sure as hell will!)

TODAY’S “WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “National Schoolyard Bully Competition!”
• “Postal Workers Are Caught in a Time Warp!”
• “Saddam Wins US Lottery!”
• “Celebrity Terrorist Makeovers!”
• “Aliens Are Here For Our Krispy Kremes!”

IDOL WORSHIP:
TONIGHT the 3rd season of “American Idol” premieres on FOX-TV at 8 pm ET. And just to be sure we remember how much we love to hate Simon Cowell, there will also be ‘special episodes’ TOMORROW and WEDNESDAY.

DIAMONDS ARE A COW’S BEST FRIEND:
A diamond merchant in Limbudi, India whose cow swallowed a small bag containing 1,722 diamonds has been administering laxatives and waiting for days hoping everything will, er … work out. So far, Dilubhai Rajput has been able to retrieve 310 of the gems by groping in the dung with bare hands. For some unknown reason, the bag containing the loot was left in a haystack.
Source: “Hindustan Times”

SURGICAL COMPLICATION:
A 33-year-old Leeds UK man recently had heart-bypass surgery during which part of a large leg vein had to be removed to replace a blocked artery in his chest. Before the operation, a tattoo on his leg read ‘I love women’, but after the incision was sewed up the tattoo read – ‘I love men’.
Source: “The Independent on Sunday”

GETTING YOUR GOUT:
Thanks to low-carb fad diets like the Atkins diet, gout is making a comeback. The incurable disease was prevalent in the 19th century, synonymous with upper-class overindulgence. Carrying too much weight increases the risk of gout, but now it seems that shedding weight quickly can also spark the condition. Rates have more than doubled since the 1950s. Gout strikes when uric acid builds up in the body and the kidneys are unable to flush it out. The acid then crystalizes and collects around joints. In 70% of cases, the first area hit is the big toe. (We’re guessing this is just the beginning of the payback for people jumping on the no-carb bandwagon.)
Source: “The Observer”

AIR APPARENT:
The ‘Oxygen Massage’ has become a trendy new feature at many upmarket health spas. It usually entails the client wearing a mask that generates a light flow of oxygen. What for? It’s said to help stimulate the senses during the treatment. (And protects the masseuse from your stinky tourist breath.)
Source: “Baltimore Sun”

HERE WE GO AGAIN:
SATURDAY Lexington, Kentucky fertility specialist Dr Panos Zavos held a news conference to announce he has implanted a cloned human embryo in a 35-year-old woman. He says it’s too early to tell if the woman will actually give birth to a cloned baby. Much like a similar claim by the Raelian sect LAST YEAR, Zavos did not provide any evidence to back up his claim and would not say where the procedure was done, although he says it was not performed in the US, Britain, or elsewhere in Europe.

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• The only golf course on the island of Tonga has an unusual hazard – monkeys. There’s no penalty if one steals your golf ball.
• A 30-second spot on THIS YEAR’S “Super Bowl” runs $2.25 million.
• Only 7% of teenagers learn about sex from their parents.
Source: “Time”/CNN poll.

THE BULL SHEET 01.19.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [70] Lloyd Robertson, Stratford ON, CTV Chief News Anchor & Senior News Editor since 1976/CBC-TV’s “The National” anchor 1970-76/CAB Broadcast Hall of Fame (1998)

1946 [58] Dolly Parton, Sevierville TN, country singer/songwriter (“I Will Always Love You”)/movie actress (“Steel Magnolias”, “Nine to Five”)/amusement park owner (“Dollywood”)

1954 [50] Katey Sagal, Hollywood CA, TV actress (‘Cate Hennessy’-“8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter” since 2002, “Married … With Children” 1987-1997)

1971 [33] John Wozniak, Minneapolis MN, one-hit wonder singer (Marcy Playground-“Sex & Candy”)

1971 [33] Shawn Wayans, NYC, one of the acting Wayans brothers (“Scary Movie 1 & 2″)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Martin Luther King Jr Day”, a federal holiday in the USA. The late civil rights activist is getting an unusual tribute in Philadelphia – a 4-foot-high portrait created from some 33 lbs of jellybeans commissioned by ‘Jelly Bean Nation’, an awareness campaign promoted by WXPN-FM. Its message: People are like jellybeans – 98% the same ingredients on the inside and only 2% making a difference on the outside.

TODAY is is “Confederate Heroes Day”, observed on the anniversary of the 1807 birth of Robert E Lee. It’s an official holiday in Texas. (Don’t forget to run up that rebel flag!)

TODAY-Sunday the “2004 ISU Four Continents Figure Skating Championships” jump to it at Copps Coliseum in Hamilton ON.
NET: http://www.skatecanada.ca/english/continents/

TODAY is “Cut Yourself Some Slack Day”, a day to ‘do unto ourselves what we would have others do unto us’. Hey give yourself a break, ya loser!

TODAY is “Maintenance Day”, honoring all janitors and building maintenance personnel. (Because they’re good natured swabs.)

TODAY is “International Sing-Out Day”, a time to break out in song just like they do in dumb musicals.

THIS WEEK is “National Non-Smoking Week” in Canada, highlighted by “Weedless Wednesday”, the day smokers are encouraged to butt out for 24 hours.
NET: http://www.ncth.ca

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1993 [11] Fleetwood Mac reunites to perform at Inaugural Gala for US President Bill Clinton

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1915 [89] 1st ‘neon sign’ (it spelled out ‘N-E-O-N’, because it was created by George Claude of Paris, France for a demonstration.)

1935 [69] 1st ‘Jockey shorts’ go on sale (beginning the boxers vs briefs controversy)

1951 [53] 1st ‘front-hook bra’ (aka the ‘front-end loader’ – fumbling teenage boys cheer!)

1977 [27] 1st recorded snowfall in Miami, Florida

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Philately Day
[Tues] Rid the World of Fad Diets Day
[Wed] National Hugging Day
[Wed] Squirrel Appreciation Day
[Thurs] Chinese New Year (Year of the Monkey)
[Thurs] Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day
[Thurs] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Fri] Measure Your Feet Day
[Fri] Compliment Day
[Sun] 61st Golden Globe Awards

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Hunt for Happiness Week
Healthy Weight Week
International Printing Week
Jaycee Week
National Thrift Week
Worldwide Kiwanis Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
FATAL BS THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE:

“Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 lbs.”
“Couldn’t they induce labor before Super Bowl week?”
“I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
“Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary.”
“Keys are on the fridge, honey. I’ll see you at the hospital at half-time.”
“Sure, the doctor said you’re eating for 2, but he didn’t mean 2 dozen.”

YESTERDAY the NFC & AFC Championship games were played. Did you happen to notice these …
BS FOOTBALL TERMS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN’T:
• “Vanderjagt put it right through the uprights!”
• “That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.”
• “Buckhalter was able to penetrate right up the middle.”
• “It’s a game of inches.”
• “Delhomme was blitzed and ended up under 6 guys.”
• “The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.”
• “McNabb went down in his own end zone.”
• “That’s the longest one Ricky Proehl’s got his hands on all season.”
• “When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.”
• “Manning found his tight end.”
• “It’s up and it’s good!”

BS TRIVIA:
Q: What’s the world’s largest city that is NOT a capital city?
A: Shanghai, China with a population of close to 14 million.

Q: What’s the name for the armhole in clothing?
A: That’s an ‘armsaye’.

Q: If you’re 2nd-last you are ‘penultimate’. But what are you called if your 4th from last?
A: ‘Pre-ante-pen-ultimate’.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What profession do you hate the most?” (A recent poll was topped by telemarketers, politicians, bouncers, real estate agents, and people on reality TV shows.)
• “New York City’s animal pound is looking for a new, friendlier name for the Pit Bull. Ideas?” (Suggestions have included ‘New Yorkies’, ‘Yankee Terrier’ and ‘Patriot Terrier’. How about ‘Bloody Dangerous Killer’?)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• It was reportedly a very emotional gathering for Michael Jackson at Neverland after his courthouse appearance FRIDAY. In fact, a couple of young boys said they were really touched.
• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called  wedding cake.
• Remember the Golden Rule – first one into work Monday turns the clocks ahead one hour.
• Britain’s Queen Elizabeth has reportedly recovered well from surgery on her left knee at the end of last year. Good thing – that’s the knee she whacks into Prince Philip’s groin to give him the correct royal facial expression.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Stats show that 33% of THESE people eventually go bankrupt.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Male lottery winners.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.

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