Wednesday, January 14, 2004        Edition: #2702
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

Hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons & and wife Kimora Lee Simmons have sold off their super-successful ‘Phat Farm’ clothing label for a staggering $140 million . . . 31-year-old actor/comedian Chris Tucker is said to be so concerned with helping African AIDS victims, he’s considering quitting his Hollywood career when his current film contract runs out (which includes $25 million for “Rush Hour 3″) . . . “Sopranos” star James Gandolfini is engaged to Lora Somoza, a director’s assistant he met 4 years ago on the set of “The Mexican” (soon she’ll be married to the mob) . . . Actor Robert DeNiro & director Martin Scorsese are planning to collaborate on a joint memoir to be published NEXT YEAR, about the 8 movies they’ve made together during their 30-year friendship . . . 16-year-old singer/actress Hilary Duff has reportedly found love again after her split with Aaron Carter, this time with her “Cheaper By the Dozen” co-star, 17-year-old Jordan Masterson . . . Britain’s Prince Charles has apparently made a major faux pas – sending a bottle of Scotch to recovering accident victim Ozzy Osbourne – who’s also a recovering alcoholic . . . Actress Christina Applegate (“View From the Top”, “Married with Children”) is trying to get excused from the pool of possible jurors for the upcoming Robert Blake murder trial, but so far the judge says she’s SOL . . . The 1998 Adam Sandler romantic comedy “The Wedding Singer” is being turned into a Broadway musical for the 2005 season (could “Happy Gilmore” be next?) . . . And – just a warning – the surviving two Bee Gees are working on a new album but, out of respect for late brother Maurice, will now use the name ‘The Gibb Brothers’ (as opposed to ‘Bee Gees’, standing for ‘Brothers Gibb’).

New terms leaking into the lingo –
• ‘Hand-Me-Ups’ – Used clothing passed from a younger to an older person. (“Mom, have you seen my new jeans? Like I haven’t even worn them yet!”)
• The ‘No-White Diet’ – A diet that’s becoming increasingly popular even though no one can take credit for inventing it – it’s being passed by word-of-mouth. It’s simple – you eat nothing white, such as sugar, flour, pasta, potatoes, etc. (Yeah, that’ll work. Avoid bananas, get skinny.)
• ‘Sad Grad’ – Someone who’s recently graduated, but is deeply in debt with student loans and has few employment prospects. (“Wow, you got a PhD in philosophy? You are one sad grad!”)

We’ve heard a lot about the benefits to seniors who continue to work. Now comes a new study that finds the exact opposite. Researchers who interviewed hundreds of British civil servants found that retirees have better mental health than those who stay on the job after age 60. Why? One word – stress. While it was found that mental health improved among retirees, it actually declined among those who remained employed. (Another reason to quit at 25.)
Source: “Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health”

Looking for a challenging new gig? According to “NY Post”, Jennifer Lopez employs somebody with the official title of ‘Nipple Tweaker’ whose main responsibility is making sure her ‘puppies’ sit up for photo ops. Meantime, “National Enquirer” says Halle Berry has a ‘Butt Masseuse’ who performs an oil rub each day on the set of “Catwoman” to prevent severe chaffing. (Talk about getting behind on-the-job!)

When it comes to quitting smoking, women are a third less likely to be successful than men. University of Pittsburgh researchers think one reason for that may be that the side-effects of quitting – anxiety, depression and irritability – are similar to PMS symptoms. The bottom line: Women should quit a few days AFTER their period ends so they’re not hit with a double whammy of negative emotions. (Talk about your date from hell.)
Source: “How Women Can Finally Stop Smoking”

• 96% of candles are purchased by women.
• 66% of home-based businesses are owned by women.
• 51% of pet owners sing “Happy Birthday” to their pets.
• 51% of men polled admit they suffer ‘screen envy’ over friends who own larger TV sets.
• 31% of employees surveyed say they regularly skip lunch entirely.
• 27% of female lottery winners polled say they hid their winning ticket in their bras.

With the “People’s Choice Awards” SUNDAY, we’re now into the height of ‘awards season’, meaning a slew of celebs are going to be parading across our screens wearing all kinds of ribbons supporting one cause or another. But which color ribbon means what?
• Blue: Anti-Censorship on the Internet, or Chronic-Fatigue Syndrome.
• Green: Can stand for Energy Conservation, Open Records for Adoptees, Marijuana Legalization, or Organ & Tissue Donation.
• Pink: Breast Cancer Awareness.
• Purple: Anti-Violence Campaigns, or Campaign for Quality Blood Supply.
• Red: AIDS & HIV Awareness.
• Yellow: Support for Overseas Troops.
Source: “Arizona Republic”

• Three Polish poachers are facing animal-cruelty charges for forcing a giant pike – to drink champagne.
• To give an air of ‘reliability and professionalism’, employees at Holland’s Finance Ministry have now been banned from wearing – white socks. (Not wearing a shirt is still okay.)
• A Chinese farmer who paid 20,000 yuan (about $2,000) for an arranged marriage quickly discovered that his new bride was really a man – when her (his?) fake breasts fell off. The blushing bride has been arrested. (Let that be a lesson to you – beware of discounts!)
•  Police in the northern Indian state of Madhya Pradesh are being encouraged to grow a mustache to make them look more ‘authoritative’. There’s even a salary bonus – an extra 65 cents a month.
• German police are investigating a man who returned a newly purchased computer to a store because instead of computer parts it was full of – potatoes. OK, that’s dumb. This is dumber – the store became suspicious when they replaced the machine free-of-charge but the guy returned a short time later with ANOTHER potato-filled PC. (Apparently he wanted an Apple?)
• A 45-year-old Spring Hill, Florida woman has been charged with drunk driving – in her motorized wheelchair. She was busted after she hit a van at 3 mph. (Can you fit a DD into a wheelchair?)
• Police in Tokyo, Japan have charged two men with stealing electricity. One briefly unplugged a neon sign to recharge his mobile phone. The other unplugged a vending machine to charge his portable music player. The total electricity stolen by both is estimated at – $0.0094 worth. (Give ‘em two life sentences!)

Canada has become the 3rd largest producer of diamonds in the world, behind Botswana and Russia.
Source: Statistics Canada


1919 [85] Andy Rooney, Albany NY, professional TV curmudgeon/commentator (“60 Minutes” since 1978)

1941 [63] Faye Dunaway, Bascom FL, movie actress (Oscar-“Network”, “Bonnie & Clyde”) who’s still working hard – 6 films due this year!

1963 [41] Steven Soderbergh, Atlanta GA, movie director (“Oceans 11″, Oscar-“Traffic”, “Erin Brockovitch”)  COMING UP: The sequel “Ocean’s Twelve”.

1968 [36] LL Cool J (James Todd Smith), Bay Shore NY, rap artist (“All I Have”, “Mama Said Knock You Out“)/movie actor (“SWAT”, “Charlie’s Angels”)  FACTOID: ‘LL Cool J’ stands for ‘Ladies Love Cool James’.

1969 [35] Dave Grohl, Warren OH, rock singer/guitarist (Foo Fighters-“Darling Nikki“, two 2004 Grammy Award nominations for “Times Like These”, “Big Me“)

TODAY is “Dress Up Your Pet Day”, a day to assert our dominance over the dumb creatures of the animal kingdom by humiliating them in human attire, then laughing at them.

TODAY in Russia and many Eastern European countries is Julian Calendar “New Year’s Day” (aka ‘Orthodox Hangover Day’).

1990 [14] Regular broadcasts of “The Simpsons” begin on FOX-TV

1794 [210] Dr Jesse Bennet performs 1st successful ‘Cesarean section’ on his wife (Edom VA)

1914 [90] 1st ‘automobile assembly line’ (Henry Ford)

1734 [270] ‘Coldest temperature’ in Northern Hemisphere recorded in Siberia at -120 F (ever since, weather lore has labelled TODAY the “Coldest Day of the Year”)

1973 [31] Last ‘perfect NFL season’ as Miami Dolphins beat Washington Redskins 14-7 at Super Bowl VII in Los Angeles to finish with 17-0 record (that Dolphin team still gathers to celebrate when the last undefeated NFL team finally loses each season)

[Thurs] 2004 Sundance Film Festival begins
[Fri] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
[Sat] Get to Know Your Customer Day
[Sun] AFC/NFC Championship Games
[Mon] International Sing-Out Day
[Tues] Philately Day
This Week Is . . . Special Education Week (honoring all the people in the short buses)
This Month Is . . . Birth Defects Prevention Month


• Let teens know you are willing to just plain listen
• Be accessible even at inconvenient times.
• Use questions sparingly
• Try not to be defensive about critical remarks
• Give straight-forward advice on important issues
• Talk about yourself sometimes instead of just the teen.
• Show intimacy.
• Give lots of praise and positive feedback.
• Give them responsibilities with every privilege, as in real life.
• Teach them to make decisions and accept the consequences.
• Teach them to sort out and prioritize information.
• Make them earn what they want.
Source: National Parenting Center

One of each of the following pairs is (or was) an actual consumer product on the market, the other a BS fake. But which is which?
• ‘The Confession Booth Bathroom Scale’ or ‘The Automatic Corkscrew’ [FAKE]
• ‘The Blind Date Saliva Tester’ [FAKE] or ‘The Musical Bra for Mozart Lovers’
• ‘The Safety Coffin With Escape Hatch’ or ‘Single-Leg Pantyhose For Burglars’ [FAKE]
• ‘The Fingernail Phone’ [FAKE] or ‘The Heart Start Home Defibrillator’
• ‘The Wearable Airbag’ or ‘The Internet Toaster’ [FAKE]
• ‘Remote Control Underwear’ [FAKE] or ‘The Pet Umbrella’
• ‘The Pocket Bad Breath Detector’ or ‘The Heated Snow Shovel’ [FAKE]
• ‘Artificial Spray-on Dirt for SUVs’ or ‘Scrub-Free Nipple Ring Cleaner’ [FAKE]

You can play the drums using your computer keyboard at the online ‘Virtual Drum Set’. Simply select a ‘preset’ button then use the listed number keys for various drums.

• Keep Talking: Contestant has to speak on a subject for 30 seconds without ums and ahs. Be sure to give outrageous topics.
• It Pays to Be Ignorant: listener has to answer all 10 questions wrong to win.
• Karaoke Cash: contestants have to sing the next line when you abruptly stop the song.
• Make Your Dog Bark: dog has to bark within 5 seconds on phone to win.
• Dead Guy in the Envelope: place a dead person’s name in an envelope and give clues.
• Mate-a-Movie: listeners combine two or more movie titles to create an interesting new movie.

Today’s Question: THIS should be fun, but it stresses out 33% of us.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The thought of taking a week’s vacation.

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

Tell a friend in another market about “The Bull Sheet”. Why? ‘Cause we’ll add ONE FREE MONTH to your subscription for each new subscriber you refer!


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