Tuesday, January 13, 2004        Edition: #2701
Sheeters Always Prosper!

TODAY Montel Williams is temporarily giving up his TV talk show in order to be a guest on it – as supermodel Emme hosts & interviews him about the depression that followed his 1999 MS diagnosis (there’s a morning radio bit – be a guest on your own show!) . . . Rumors are flying that Britney Spears’ record label has postponed her new single “Toxic”, ironically so she can get counseling on alcohol consumption (she reportedly wears nothing but strategically-placed diamonds in the video) . . . Now that his divorce is final it was thought that 61-year-old Harrison Ford & 39-year-old Calista Flockhart would wed, but word has it he’s drunkenly revealed the 2-year relationship is over – after guzzling numerous tequilas with beer chasers in a Baja California bar (maybe he could hang with Britney?) . . . The cast of “Friends” is reportedly getting $2 million each to shoot a 90-minute ‘reunion special’ that takes place a year after the program’s finale, which will be filmed right after shooting on the last episode is complete (sort of a built-in retirement plan)  . . . Hot tamale Shakira is reportedly selling her $2.1 million La Gorce Island mansion in Miami Beach and plans to relocate her household to Spain . . . Eccentric 79-year-old Hollywood legend Marlon Brando has reportedly lost a whopping 83 lbs after rediscovering his ‘will to live’ and dieting (he topped out at 348 lbs!) . . . No one’s say why, but the release of Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill Volume 2″, starring Uma Thurman, is being delayed from FEBRUARY 20th and will likely now open APRIL 16th . . . Brit actress Keira Knightley (“Love Actually”, “Pirates of the Caribbean”) has been hired by royal jewelers Asprey to design a signature ring for – pierced navels . . . And cat-fighting divas Mariah Carey & Jennifer Lopez are said to be planning a duet – at least that’s what Mariah’s flacks are saying – but a Lopez source replies, “I don’t know how Jennifer would possibly benefit from working with Mariah” (meow!).

• “Freddy Vs Jason” (Horror – VHS/DVD): Creepy “Nightmare on Elm Street” bad-guy ‘Freddy Krueger’ (Robert Englund) resurrects “Friday the 13th” madman ‘Jason Voorhees’ (Ken Kirzinger) to start a new reign of terror, but the two end up in a horrifying showdown.
• “Johnny English” (Comedy – VHS/DVD): Secret agent spoof starring Rowan Atkinson (“Mr Bean”) as a junior intelligence worker who bumbles his way into a high-profile case. Singer Natalie Imbruglia has a small role.

• Calgary multimillionaire Phil Sprung Sr is suing fish & wildlife officials for unlawfully raiding his ranch near Okotoks in 2001 and seizing his unusual pets – a female moose named ‘Murray’, a raccoon named ‘Rascal’, and ‘Tarzan’ the poker-playing monkey. (Forget Rick Mercer – give this guy a TV show!)
• Couples in the Philippines capital of Manila are being asked to start sharing the tub at bath time as part of a new water conservation drive. (They should do baths like when I was a kid – sloppy seconds … and thirds … and fourths …)
• A German brewery has developed a beer containing vitamins and minerals that it claims are designed to slow the aging process. (Wow, [co-host] will soon be a fetus!)
• The Vatican has criticized a Catholic priest who’s been lined up as a contestant on Italy’s latest “Big Brother” reality show. (What’s the big deal? Priests have been playing ‘Big Brother/Little Brother’ for years!)
If you thought a remote control to turn your gas fireplace on and off was hi-tech, check this out – Lennox’s new ‘Reflections’ electric fireplace uses the latest DVD technology to achieve a new level of realism, projecting a 3-D image of a burning fire onto manufactured logs. (Thereby saving the enormous cost of finding a stick of wood and a match.)
Source: “Christian Science Monitor”

Studies show that most purchasing decisions are made within 5 seconds, and about 70% of them are impulsive. That’s why retailers display toys at eye level — children’s eye level. It’s also why shopping baskets are often scattered throughout a store. And the reason for today’s nearly silent cash registers? To help you forget you’re shelling out your hard-earned moola!

Guess what? It seems the age-old idea that venting your anger will help to get rid of it is nothing but a load of BS. In several recent studies, researchers have found that actions such as punching a pillow may actually increase anger and stress. Why? Venting apparently reactivates the area of the brain that hosts anger, thereby causing even more aggression. (For more information, see Mike Tyson.)
Source: “Men’s Journal”

M-LAW (Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch) has announced the winners of its 7th annual ‘Wacky Warning Label Contest’ which tracks absurd warnings that are only placed on consumer products to avoid lawsuits. This year’s dumbest warnings …
1. A bottle of drain cleaner with the warning, “If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.”
2. A snow sled with a label which says, “Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.”
3. A 1-ft-high storage rack for CDs which warns, “Do not use as a ladder.”
4. A fishing lure with the warning, “Harmful If Swallowed”.
5. A smoke detector labeled, “Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire.”
NET: http://wackywarnings.com/

Here comes another wacky trend for metrosexuals (y’know ‘upwardly mobile heterosexual men’) – bikini waxing. Yup, it seems NYC beauty parlors are experiencing a recent rush of men ordering up hair removal from more than just their backs. One salon operator suggests a reason for the trend may be – without hair, everything down there looks larger.
Source: “Newsweek”

The best operatic sopranos can sing nearly as loud as the roar of a jet engine, according to researchers at Australia’s University of New South Wales.
Source: The journal “Nature”.

• “Please make me look pretty!” – Liza Minnelli quoted in “NY Post”, pleading with a courtroom sketch artist before a hearing on her divorce.
• “I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a hookah until 2 weeks ago! Hookah’s not like weed, is it?” – The ever clever Britney Spears, while telling the new issue of “Blender” magazine that her favorite new thing is smoking strawberry-flavored tobacco in a hookah pipe.


1962 [42] Trace Adkins, Springhill LA, country singer (“Hot Mama”, “Then They Do”)

1977 [27] Orlando Bloom, Caterbury UK, movie actor (“Pirates of the Caribbean”, “Lord of the Rings” trilogy)  UPCOMING: Plays ‘Paris’ against Brad Pitt’s ‘Achilles’ in the historical war epic “Troy” opening MAY 21st, and “Pirates of the Caribbean 2″ coming in 2005.

[Monterrey, Mexico] “Summit of the Americas” (PM Paul Martin meets with US President George W Bush)
[Sweden/Norway] “Tyvendedagen” (20th day of Christmas)
[USA] “Stephen Foster Memorial Day” (“Way down upon dah Swa-neeee Ribber …”)

TODAY is “Make Your Dream Come True Day”, presumably another observance initiated by the Society of Hopeless Optimists. (It’s easy to accomplish this lofty goal. First, get a whole bunch of money …)

According to weather lore, TOMORROW is traditionally the “Coldest Day of the Year” in the Northern Hemisphere, likely because the coldest temp of all-time was recorded January 14, 1734 in Siberia. At -120 F, smoke would not rise and birds dropped frozen to the ground.

1999 [05] “60 Minutes II” debuts on CBS-TV (because there just aren’t enough news magazines)

1863 [141] 1st ‘one-piece pedestal flushing toilet’ (Thomas Crapper & Co-UK)

1957 [47] 1st ‘Frisbee’ (Wham-O Co)

1968 [36] 1st fatality during NHL play (Minnesota North Star’s Bill Masterson after being checked into boards)

1981 [23] Colorado’s Barbara Sonntag sets ‘crochet record’ of 147 stitches per minute for 30 minutes (is this an Olympic event yet?)

1985 [19] Likely the ‘oldest golfer to score an ace’, as 99-year-old Otto Bucher sinks a hole-in-one on a golf course in Spain

[Wed] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Thurs] Hat Day (wear a goofy hat to dispel the boredom of mid-winter!)
[Fri] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
[Sat] Get to Know Your Customer Day
[Sun] World Religion Day
[Mon] Martin Luther King Jr Day
This Week Is . . . Word Processing Transcriptionist Week
This Month Is . . . National Mentoring Month

A good husband is healthy and absent.
A pig accustomed to dirt turns its nose up at rice.
Forgiving the unrepentant is like drawing pictures on water.
If the father is a frog, the son will be a frog.
Laughter is the hiccup of a fool.
One man’s beard is on fire, and another man warms his hands on it.
One and one are sometimes eleven.

• Testing in the Levi wind tunnel.
• Answering the call of the wild burrito.
• A ridge of high pressure ushering in a warm front.
• Entering the sphincter chat room.
• Singin’ like Celine.
• Having a methane moment.
• Steam-pressing the Calvins.
• Reading the sports.

Are the following comedians stiff or still yucking it up?
• Confetti-throwing Rip Taylor. [Alive and 70 TODAY]
• Piano player Victor Borge. [Died in 2000]
• Melon-tossing Gallagher. [Alive and 56]
• Wily wordsmith Dennis Miller. [Alive at 51]
• Portly “SNL” fave Chris Farley. [Died in 1997]
• Multi-voiced Rich Little. [Alive at 65]
• Salty-tongued standup George Carlin. [Alive and 66]
• Transplanted Russian Yakov Smirnoff. [Alive and 52]
• Violin-playing Henny ‘Take My Wife Please’ Youngman. [Died in 1998]
• Mad-cap ad-libber Jonathan Winters. [Alive at 78]

The recently opened ‘Easton Museum of PEZ’ likely features the world’s largest collection of PEZ dispensers, some 1,500 of them, all nestled in creative landscapes. Among them – superheros, “Star Wars” and Disney characters, NFL players, ‘Charlie Brown’, Halloween & psychedelic themes. PEZ, by the way, is derived from the German for peppermint, ‘pfefferminz’, and was first produced in Austria over 50 years ago as a breath freshener for smokers.
PHONER: 888.THE.PEZ1/610.253.9794 (Kevin & Tim Coyle, Easton PA)
NET: http://www.eastonmuseumofpez.com/

Are the following oft-repeated statements true or just an urban myth?
• Women have one more rib than men. [Myth]
• Cedar chests deter insects. [True]
• Fright can turn a person’s hair white overnight. [Myth]
• Milk is good for an ulcer. [Myth]
• Lightning never strikes in the same place twice. [Myth]
• The first frisbees were empty pie tins from the Frisbie Pie Co. [True]
• The Ku Klux Klan owns Snapple. [Myth]
• Adidas is an acronym for ‘All Day I Dream About Sex’. [Myth]
• Cooties are in fact a kind of body lice. [True]
• The letters on the standard keyboard were originally placed to slow typists down. [True]
Source: The Rumba board game “Urban Myth”.

• Whatever women do, they must do it twice as well as men to be considered half as good. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
•  A policeman stops a motorist and says, ”Excuse me sir, have you been drinking?” The motorist says, ”Why, have I got a fat girl next to me?”

Today’s Question: 70% of people who like to do THIS are over 35.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Play bingo.

Experience is a good teacher, but submits huge bills.

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