Thursday, January 30, 2003        Edition: #2466
If The Sheet Fits, Buy It!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY actress Tippi Hedren, most famous for the Hitchcock thriller “The Birds”, is getting a star on the ‘Hollywood Walk of Fame’ with daughter Melanie Griffith kicking off the ceremony & impersonator Rich Little doing his best Alfred Hitchcock . . . Lisa Marie Presley’s upcoming album, to be released in APRIL, will include the song “To Whom It May Concern” which preaches the Scientology line of NOT giving drugs like Ritalin to kids with attention deficit disorder (sound catchy?) . . . At least one person isn’t thrilled with Nicole Kidman’s portrayal of Virginia Woolf in “The Hours” – Woolf’s granddaughter, who says it was ‘very odd casting’ . . . 38-year-old “Friends” actress Courteney Cox is launching her retirement plan – an interior design show called “Mix It Up” that will attempt to find compromises for housemates who disagree on decor (what do you mean I can’t keep my beer-case coffee table?) . . . Just weeks after VH-1 dumped her fly-on-the-wall TV series, 57-year-old Liza Minnelli says she will soon be making a ‘very strong announcement’ about a new TV show that will be ‘part performance, part backstage’.

MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
Another TV show is being developed for the bigscreen, the classic 1970s cop series “The Streets of San Francisco” (the show that launched Michael Douglas’ career) . . . Ice Cube is back on board for a “Barbershop” sequel (here’s hoping it’s not called “Barbershop 2: The Blow Dry”) . . . Gwyneth Paltrow is set to play Wallis Simpson, the American divorcée Britain’s King Edward VIII abdicated the throne to marry in 1936, in a BBC movie called “The American Woman” . . . “Sex & The City” creator Darren Star is teaming up with “Austin Powers” director Jay Roach for a remake of the 1968 Peter Sellers comedy “The Party” . . . Dwayne Johnson, better known to wrestling fans as ‘The Rock’, will next star in a remake of 1973′s “Walking Tall”, playing a war vet who brings order to his hometown with the help of a two-by-four (the original starred Joe Don Baker in one of the great movie role names of all-time – ‘Buford Pusser’) . . . The upcoming sequel to “Trainspotting” called “Porno” is in a bit of trouble because the original cast, Ewan McGregor, Robert Carlyle & Jonny Lee Miller, now look far too healthy to play heroin addicts, in fact director Danny Boyle laments, “They look as if they’ve been using face cream with vitamin E!” . . . In the football flick “Overtime”, Ashton Kutcher (“That ’70s Show”) will star as a young NFL quarterback trying to unseat an aging veteran for the starting job, the catch being that the oldtimer is – his estranged father (sounds Oedipal to us).

TIMING THE BIOLOGICAL CLOCK:
New research at the University of Utah has found that a woman is most likely to become pregnant 1 or 2 days PRIOR to ovulation rather than on the actual day of ovulation, as popularly believed. The study, published in the medical journal “Obstetrics & Gynecology”, suggests that couples ‘trying’ for a baby may have been X-ing off the wrong days on their calendars. (If anyone knows how to make babies, it’d be those folks in Utah.)

BIZARRE THINGS WE DO WHILE DRIVING:
• Change clothes (36%)
• Read the newspaper (20%)
• Shave (8%)
• Check e-mail (2%)
Source: Yahoo! Autos poll

SHAMPOOCH:
Since SEPTEMBER, pet owners in the city of Toyooka have been able to avail themselves of the first ‘dog washing machine’ in Japan – and maybe anywhere else. In the fully automatic woof washer called the ‘Pet Laundromat’, pooches get a shower, jet spray, shampoo, conditioner and blow-dry until there’s not a dirty ‘Spot’ in sight. Half-hour sessions cost 2,000 yen ($17) for small dogs and 4,000 yen for larger breeds, but as many pets as will fit inside can be washed at no extra charge. (Owners too?)

WE CALLED HER ‘BUN IN THE OVEN’:
Some parents are apparently naming their children after returning from the supermarket. Among the 200,000 given names registered with the Global Name Registry are the first names ‘Gouda’, ‘Almond’, ‘Cappuccino’, ‘Veal’, and ‘Spaghetti’. Topping this trend is Jamie Oliver, better known on Food TV as “The Naked Chef”. He and wife Jools dubbed their baby daughter ‘Poppy Honey’.

SELF-POLICING PLASTIC:
British chain store Tesco is developing a credit card that also serves as a do-it-yourself Breathalyzer. When breathed on, the card changes color to show different levels of alcohol intake. When you’ve had several drinks and have become as soused as a soccer hooligan, it tells you ‘Don’t spend any more money, you’re far too drunk!’. (This would be a really great idea if the interest rate was .08%!)

WHAT WOMEN WANT:
Interior designer Mary Wingren says the new trend in luxury homes is a master bedroom suite with SEPARATE bathrooms for each spouse. She says women in particular are now asking for a bathroom all their own because they don’t like to share, especially with a man. And while wives are often welcome in their husband’s shower, reciprocal privileges are rare. The guys are being booted out of women’s spaces. (What’s the worst thing guys leave in the bathroom – whiskers in the sink, or maybe underwear on the floor?)

THE BULL SHEET 01.30.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [73] Gene Hackman, San Bernadino CA, movie actor who’s appeared in over 90 movies and won the 2003 ‘Cecil B DeMille Award’ for lifetime achievement at the Golden Globes (“Behind Enemy Lines”, Oscars-“Unforgiven”, “The French Connection”)  NEXT FILM: Co-stars with John Cusack in the bigscreen version of John Grisham’s legal thriller “The Runaway Jury”.

1937 [66] Vanessa Redgrave, London ENG, movie actress (“Girl, Interrupted”, “Howard’s End”, Oscar-“Julia”)

1941 [62] Dick Cheney, Lincoln NE, US Vice-President since 2001/Defense Secretary in Dubya’s dad’s administration

1951 [52] Phil Collins, Chiswick ENG, 5′-5″ classic rock singer (“In the Air Tonight”, “Genesis-“Invisible Touch”)/film composer (“Tarzan”, “Against All Odds”)

1980 [23] Wilmer Valderrama, Miami FL, TV actor (Fes [Foreign Exchange Student]-“That ’70s Show”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the 81st annual “World Law Day”, established in 1922 to celebrate the rules society lives by. Ah yes, picture the chaos if we didn’t have these –
BS LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS:
• China – Women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.
• Saudi Arabia – Male doctors may not examine women and female doctors cannot examine men. Of course, that’s because women may not become doctors.
• England – No boy under the age of 10 may see a naked mannequin.
• Mexico  – Any kind of nude artistic display is illegal.
• Singapore – You may not walk around naked while in your home. It is considered to be pornography.
• Canada – It is illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft.
• Thailand – You must wear a shirt while driving a car. It is also illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
• Qatar – If a naked Muslim woman is surprised by a man while bathing or dressing, she must first cover her face, not her body.
• Britain – Under proposed new legislation, couples who have sex in an outdoor public place could face a jail term of up to 6 months. Anyone who ‘knows or is reckless’ about whether they will be seen would be guilty of the offence.

TODAY is “National Inane Answering Message Day”, a time set aside to change, shorten, replace or delete those annoying voicemail messages.

The 49th annual “Québec Winter Carnival” parties FRIDAY through February 16th, when thousands whoop it up with ‘Bonhomme Carnaval’ while wearing the traditional ‘ceinture fléchée’ (red scarf worn around the waist).
PHONER: 888-522-3383/418-626-3716 (Stéphanie Jagou-Media Relations)
NET: http://www.carnaval.qc.ca/english/index_corpo.asp

FRIDAY-February 16 is also the 25th “Winterlude” winter carnival in Ottawa-Gatineau. Dozens of outdoor events are scheduled over the 3 weekends, highlighted by skating on the ‘world’s largest skating rink’ (7.8 km), the Rideau Canal.
PHONER: 800-465-1867/613-239-5000 (Capital Infocentre)
NET: http://www.capcan.ca/winterlude/index_e.asp

TODAY is “National Croissant Day”, the first step of which is being able to say ‘croissant’. (NOT ‘croy-sents’, it’s ‘cwah-SAHN’).

TODAY is “National Yodel for Your Neighbors Day”. (Followed by ‘Getting Tomato-ed by Your Neighbors Day’.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1790 [213] 1st ‘lifeboat’, tested by one Mr Greathead

1894 [109] 1st ‘jackhammer’ patented (Detroit MI)

1933 [70] 1st radio broadcast of “The Lone Ranger”, which also originated in Detroit (on the first program, ‘Tonto’ rides ‘White Feller’ – that’s his horse’s name!)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1920 [83] Québec Bulldogs’ Joe Malone sets NHL record of 7 goals in a single game

1994 [09] 1st teams to play each other in 2 consecutive Super Bowls (Dallas beats Buffalo again, this time 30-13)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Chinese New Year (Year of the Ram)
[Sun] Groundhog Day (http://www.groundhog.org)
[Sun] NHL All-Star Game (Sunrise FL)
[Sun] NFL Pro Bowl (Honolulu HI)
[Sun] Diabetes Sunday
This Week Is . . . Junior Achievement Week / Cross Country Skiing Week
This Month Is . . .  Volunteer Blood Donor Month / Christian-Jewish Humor Month (someone once said “A good religion is one which has a sense of humor about itself.”)

BULL’S BITS . . .
ALL-TIME MOST IMPORTANT HAIRSTYLES:

10. LONG, STRAIGHT HAIR: Think Lady Godiva and Mona Lisa or Cher, Madonna (sometimes), and Donnatella Versace.
9. THE AFRO: It definitively positioned hair as a political statement.
8. THE BALD LOOK: Men started shaving off hair at least up to the tops of their ears for the ‘Bowl Crop’ as early as the 1460s.
7. THE SHAG: It just keeps going and going via adaptations of layers.
6. BRAIDS: From ‘Romantic Plaits’ to modern ‘Goddess Braids’, they’re here to stay.
5. THE PONYTAIL: Consider that this simple style resulted in the ‘Chignon’.
4. THE BOUFFANT: ‘Big hair’ always comes back.
3. THE CAESAR: Julius himself died in 44 BC, but the shape that bears his name is the foundation for centuries of men’s cuts.
2. FINGERWAVES: When it comes to texture, these looks rule!
1. THE CLASSIC BOB: Sassoon gets credit for the modern version, but the ‘page boy’ has been around for centuries.
Source: Empire Beauty Schools        

BS IDIOTIC INVENTIONS:
One of the following is NOT a real invention. Unbelievably, the others are. Find the fake!
GAME #1:
• ‘The Musical Bra for Mozart Lovers’ that plays Mozart’s greatest hits – in stereo, of course.
• ‘The MP3 Hearing Aid’, allowing seniors to download tunes directly to their ear. [FAKE]
• ‘The Cigarette Ash Bib’ for people who smoke while they drive.

GAME #2:
• ‘Coffin With Emergency Escape Hatch’ in case a grave mistake is made.
• ‘Artificial Spray-on Dirt for 4WD SUVs’ for drivers who never go off-road.
• ‘Single-Leg Pantyhose for Bank Robbers’ [FAKE]

GAME #3:
• ‘Odor Eaters with Fluoride’ for people who always put their foot in their mouth. [FAKE]
• ‘The Shoe Umbrella’, tiny canopies to protect shiny new shoes from rain.
• ‘Insect Balls’, sprayed with bug repellant then attached to the back of a hat on an antennae.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Which female celebrity’s body shape is ideal for REAL women?”
• “What’s the strangest food item you’ve snuck into a movie theater?”

BS WEB GOODIE:
This is really, really childish and therefore really, really fun! Use the letter charts at this Website to find out your ‘Secret Poopie Pants Name’. For example, George Bush turns out to be ‘Fluffy Toiletshorts’.
NET: http://pages.prodigy.net/deborahdoops/deborahdoops/Secret%20Poopie%20Pants%20Name.htm

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Over half of us say we’d like to see this, but chances are we never will.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: An alien.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

MONTHLY PLANNING CALENDAR IN TOMORROW’S BS!

 


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