Friday, January 24, 2003        Edition: #2462
I almost got my own TV talk show once, but I wasn’t boring enough.

THIS WEEKEND J-Lo’s divorce from 2nd husband Chris Judd will reportedly be finalized, leaving her free to wed fiancé Ben Affleck as early as SUNDAY, but it’s said she’ll have to fork out $13.5 million in settlement (quick Ben, land another movie role!) . . . TODAY in Beverly Hills, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences opens “And The Oscar Went To”, an exhibit of 100 Oscar statuettes that have been handed out over the past 75 years . . . SUNDAY ABC-TV launches “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, its new late night show to replace “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher”, with a post-Super Bowl special edition . . . Britney Spears is coming out with her own line of clothing (in small, medium and extra fake) . . . The debut of “American Idol 2” attracted a record 26.5 million viewers, the most-watched FOX-TV entertainment show ever . . . Rumor has it John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John have agreed to make “Grease 3″ – with 34-year-old Kylie Minogue playing their teenage daughter (“Meet the Parents … the Musical”) . . . No Doubt’s Gwen Stefani says she wants to act, and will actively seek a part in a movie within the next year . . . Jay-Z has announced that his next record, “The Black Album”, will be his last . . . Winona Ryder’s former doctor has accused her of ‘hounding him day and night for prescription drugs’ and also claims her cheques bounced . . . Jermaine Jackson is accusing NBC-TV of ‘tricking’ the Jackson family into taking part in that upcoming special about Michael Jackson’s face by telling them the show would be about ‘their legacy’ (and he actually said this without laughing) . . . Mick Jagger is said to be outraged over media reports that he regularly has Botox injections (for gawd’s sake look at the guy’s face, that’s like accusing Keith Richards of using Oil of Olay!) . . . And just when you thought TV couldn’t possibly get worse comes this news – FOX-TV is looking to develop an updated version of the old talking-horse sit-com “Mr Ed” (everybody now – “A horse is a horse of course of course …:”).

The no-name horror thriller “Darkness Falls“, about – we kid you not – a vengeful female spirit who takes on the form of the ‘Tooth Fairy’ to exact vengeance on the town that lynched her 150 years previously (you know a movie is gonna be gory when they sell the popcorn in air sick bags) . . . And heading into wide release this weekend – the Golden Globe-winning musical “Chicago” starring Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renée Zellweger & Richard Gere, and George Clooney’s directorial debut, the quirky pseudo-biography “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”, starring Sam Rockwell and featuring Drew Barrymore & Julia Roberts (who worked for scale).

• SUNDAY on ABC-TV from San Diego’s Qualcomm Stadium.
• Pre-game show includes Bonnie Raitt, Santana, Michelle Branch, Beyoncé Knowles & Styx.
• Before kickoff, Celine Dion sings “God Bless America” & the Dixie Chicks the national anthem.
• The halftime show features Shania Twain & No Doubt.
• Bon Jovi plays the post-game gig.
• Super Bowl ads that will generate talk include a sneak peak of the movie sequel “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle”, Pepsi ads featuring Beyoncé Knowles (directed by Spike Lee) and the Osbournes at home, Budweiser ads featuring Cedric the Entertainer and one with Tim McGraw asking us to ‘drink responsibly’, Chrysler ads by Celine Dion, Michael Jordan for both Gatorade and Hanes T-shirts, and Willie Nelson talking about tax problems for H&R Block.

• A 60-year-old British motorist has been banned from driving for a year after she was convicted for careless driving. Seems she had 1 dog on her lap, 4 on the passenger seat and – no kidding – 22 in the back!
• Clint Arthur is running for US president as part of the ‘New Sensual Power Party’, whose platform is ‘make love, not war’. He claims America could easily overthrow Saddam Hussein by sending hordes of ‘goddesses’ to the Middle East to teach the locals how to pleasure each other. If elected, he says his inaugural speech will explain how to give a woman multiple orgasms. (Well, he just locked up the women’s vote.)
• A cigarette company in Taiwan is now adding natural herbal extracts to its tobacco in order to produce cigarettes that have ‘health benefits’. (That’s like making bullets that contain 10 essential vitamins and minerals. Shoot them directly into your system!)
• A 23-year-old nutrition student from Cerritos CA who goes by the name ‘Michel’ is attempting to raise $4,500 on the Internet – to have her breasts enlarged. Her line of thinking is explained on her Website: “Have you ever wanted to move from coach to first class? Then you understand!”

In what is likely one of the landmark scientific discoveries of all-time, University of Saskatchewan biologist Karen Wiebe has documented the first case of a female woodpecker with more than one male mate. The birds, called Northern flickers, are common across Canada and were previously thought to be completely monogamous. (How dull is your love life when you resort to spending your time spying on bird sex?)
The latest issue of “New Scientist” magazine reports that South Korean scientists have adapted a navigation system from cruise missiles to build a robot vacuum cleaner that can find its way around a room day or night. (It may knock over a lamp or two, but hey, that’s just ‘collateral damage’.)

Thomas Nelson Publishers have just released “The Outdoorsman’s Holy Bible”. Yup, it’s a leather-bound, large-print, New King James version of the Bible that has a camouflage cover. Now you can read passages by moonlight without any 12-point bucks spotting you – for only $49.95. (Commune with God while killing his creatures.)

In a Lemelson-MIT Foundation poll, teens were given a choice of 5 inventions and asked which they ‘could not live without’. Here’s how they ranked them –
5. Microwave (7%)
4. Cell Phone (10%)
3. Computer (16%)
2. Automobile (31%)
1. Toothbrush (34%)
Source: “Globe & Mail”

• Americans eat more food on Super Bowl Sunday than any other day of the year other than Thanksgiving.
• The team leading at halftime has won the past 8 Super Bowls. The team leading at the end of the 3rd quarter has won the past 13.
• Automobile accidents climb more than 40% in the hours after the Super Bowl, according to a University of Toronto researcher, with the surge highest in the losing team’s territory. That means driving late on Sunday will be more dangerous than on New Year’s Eve.
• Sales of antacid increase by 20% the day after Super Bowl Sunday.


1941 [62] Neil Diamond, Brooklyn NY, oldies singer (“I’m a Believer” [appears on the “Shrek” soundtrack], “Sweet Caroline”, “Cracklin’ Rosie”)

1963 [40] Keech Rainwater, Plano TX, country musician (Lonestar-“Unusually Unusual“, “Amazed”)

1962 [41] Chris Chelios, Chicago IL, NHL defenceman (Detroit Red Wings)

1981 [22] Alicia Keys, NYC, pop/R&B singer (“A Woman’s Worth”, “Fallin”)

2001 [02] Rene Charles Angelil, West Palm Beach FL, rich boy who’ll never work a day in his life/son of Celine Dion & husband-manager Rene Angelil

1925 [78] Paul Newman, Cleveland OH, movie actor (“Road to Perdition”, Oscar-“Color of Money”)/auto racer/food mogul (“Newman’s Own”)

1961 [42] Wayne Gretzky, Brantford ON, executive director of Canadian Olympic hockey/NHL Phoenix Coyotes co-owner & GM-without-portfolio/Hockey Hall of Fame player/”Hockey News” ‘All Time Best NHL Player’/9-time NHL MVP

1977 [26] Vince Carter, Daytona Beach FL, fragile, overpaid & uncommitted NBA player (Toronto Raptors)

TODAY is “Fun At Work Day”, promoting the idea that employees who have fun and enjoy what they’re doing are more creative and productive.
• Hot tub party every Friday afternoon.
• Tequila vending machine.
• On-the-job conjugal visits.
• OPTIONAL dress Fridays.
• Hand out a raise, tightwad!

TOMORROW is “Robbie Burns Day”, party time for Scots everywhere! It honors Scotland’s national poet who was born January 25, 1759 and whose most famous composition was “Auld Lang Syne”. A traditional ‘Burns Supper’ includes cock-a-leekie soup (fowl, leeks and herbs), haggis (minced sheep’s heart, lungs and liver mixed with oatmeal), neeps and tatties (mashed turnip and potatoes). The meal is then washed down with Scotch whisky toasts.

TOMORROW is officially “Backwards Day”, a day to pause and look back on your accomplishments (hey, it’ll only take a minute). To celebrate, you’re encouraged to dress, walk and eat meals backwards (dessert first, etc).

1908 [95] 1st ‘Boy Scout’ troop organized by Sir Robert Baden-Powell in London ENG, originally for youths to play ‘war-games’ (now we have the Marines)

1922 [81] 1st ‘ice cream bar’, the ‘Eskimo Pie’, created by Christian Nelson of Onawa IA (bet he sold a lot of them in Iowa in January)

1935 [68] 1st ‘beer in cans’, marketed by Kruegar Brewing of Richmond VA (next day, 1st can is crushed against frat man’s forehead)

1984 [19] Apple Computer markets 1st ‘Macintosh’ PC

1999 [04] Golfer David Duval matches best round in PGA history – a 59 – to win Bob Hope Desert Classic (the other ‘59ers’ are Chip Beck & Al Geiberger)

[Mon] Thomas Crapper Day
[Mon] Australia Day
[Tues] National Kazoo Day
[Tues] Clash Day
[Tues] Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
[Wed] Corn Chip Day
This Week Is . . . Worldwide Kiwanis Week / Healthy Weight Week
This Month Is . . . Soup Month / Volunteer Blood Donor Month


Try this one on a morning crew member, studio guest or phone caller. There are 5 things going on all at once. Put them in the order in which you will address each issue –
• The telephone is ringing.
• The baby is crying.
• Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell.
• There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it begins to rain.
• The water faucet in the kitchen is running.
After they’ve put their list in order, tell them what it means. The order represents their priorities in life –
• The telephone ringing represents job or career.
• The baby represents family.
• The person at the door represents friends.
• The laundry represents sex life.
• The running water represents money.

Are the following famous screen divas stiff or still kickin’?
• Ava Gardner [Dead as of 1990.]
• Lauren Bacall [Alive at 78.]
• Rita Hayworth [Dead 1987.]
• Ingrid Bergman [Died in 1982.]
• Catherine Deneuve [Alive at 59.]
• Greta Garbo [Stiff as of 1990.]
• Audrey Hepburn [Dead 1993.]
• Brigitte Bardot [Alive and 68.]
• Gina Lollobrigida [Alive and 75.]
• Katharine Hepburn [Alive at 95!]          

BS Q & A:
Q: Coffee is the world’s second-largest commodity of international commerce. What’s first?
A: Petroleum.

Here’s an alternative for anyone who plans to buy a lottery ticket today. Just send me the dollar and I’LL tell you that you didn’t win.

Today’s Question: 93% of married women polled say they still do this before they go to work.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Plan dinner.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


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