Tuesday, January 21, 2003        Edition: #2459
Sheeters Always Prosper!

TONIGHT FOX-TV’S “American Idol” returns to with a 90-minute kick-off episode, hosted (solely) by Ryan Seacrest (is the last winner, Kelly Clarkson, going to be a star or a one-hit wonder?) . . . Pam Anderson & Kid Rock are said to be close to being on-the-rocks after a big blow-up over his ex-girlfriend, Sheryl Crow, whom Pammy thinks is back in the picture (why do good looking women always pick such goofy losers?) . . . Word has it 59-year-old Mick Jagger is furious and has called a ‘crisis meeting’ with ex-wife Jerry Hall after finding out his 18-year-old daughter Elizabeth is dating an older man – 44-year-old Canadian actor Michael Winncott (uh Mick, isn’t this a case of the pot and the kettle thing?) . . . Golden Globe-winner Nicole Kidman is reportedly having a fling with rapper Q-Tip (Kamaal Fareed) after originally being introduced by Leonardo DiCaprio (another one? – she’s either a victim of gossip or Hollywood’s biggest tramp!) . . . Lisa Marie Presley has apparently run back to her ex-fiancé John Oszajca, the guy she dumped for her brief marriage to Nicolas Cage (are we difficult?) . . . And check out this bit of casting – Britney Spears has reportedly been lined up to star alongside Bruce Willis in “Die Hard 4: Die Hardest” – playing his daughter!

Matt Damon stars in the spy thriller “The Bourne Identity”, as a man who washes ashore, bullet-riddled and without memory, who must elude assassins while trying to recover from amnesia . . . The romantic comedy “Tadpole” is a coming-of-age story about a 16-year-old boy (Aaron Stanford) who falls in love with his stepmother (Sigourney Weaver) . . . Al Pacino stars in the sci-fi drama “Simone”, about a movie producer who digitally creates an actress when the star walks off his film, and she becomes an overnight sensation that everyone thinks is a real person.

According to a study in “Self” magazine, we spend an average of 2 hours a day feeling guilty about the little things in life. Luckily, these mini guilt-trips make us more empathetic to others!

The “Wall Street Journal” reveals a fact that you may have suspected – many office thermostats are completely fake, only there to dupe you into thinking you can actually change the office environment. Let’s face it, there’s just no way to please everyone. Someone’s always going to be too hot or too cold, so dummy thermostats are often installed to give employees the illusion of control. In some cases, even the corporate tenants in buildings don’t know their thermostats are useless! (Studio experiment time!)

Just in time for the Super Bowl, La-Z-Boy is introducing its new ‘Power Recliner’, a hi-tech new easy chair that electronically adjusts to users’ preferences, thereby avoiding the hassle of manually changing the seat and foot rest (after all, you need both hands for beer and pretzels, right?). The company hopes this one is more successful than its last innovation – a La-Z-Boy with Internet access. That one never took off and was discontinued. (What would you like to have built in to your recliner?)

Cornell University research indicates that incompetent people tend not to know they are incompetent. In fact, they tend to be more confident of their competence than those who really know what they’re doing. For instance, people who tell jokes badly often persist in telling them.

There have been peace marches and rallies all over the world in the past few days, but one of the weirdest has to be the in Melbourne, Australia where, for some unknown reason, women have taken to protesting – while wearing their bras outside of their clothing. More than 150 high-profile women showed for the all-women protest against war in Iraq, including actresses, politicians, community leaders and even children, all with their underwear visible over their clothes. A spokeswoman says it was a deliberate ploy to grab attention for the cause.

The municipality of West Hollywood CA is moving ahead with a ban on the declawing of cats. The city council is expected to approve a law NEXT WEEK that will likely make it the first in North America to protect pussy paws. Declawing is outlawed in 13 European countries, where it is considered inhumane. Why? It apparently involves cutting off part of a cat’s toes. Thousands of cats are declawed every year, mainly to keep them from slashing furniture – not to mention people. (Listener poll: cruel or necessary?)

California toymaker Morrison Entertainment Group has developed a line of dolls that really stink! The ‘Stink Blasters’ are tiny, 3-inch-tall action figures with names like ‘Tony Anchovy’, ‘Dog Breath Danny’ and ‘Silent Gasser’ that emanate the horrific smells of rotten fish, bad breath, and yes, even farts. The smelliest of all is said to be ‘Skunk Punk’, a punk-rocker that leads a band called the ‘Screaming Dingleberries’. (Wonderful educational toys for any young lad.)

The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention reports that flu-related deaths have soared so
dramatically in the past 20 years that flu now claims more lives than AIDS in North America. Seniors are the most vulnerable. (Do flu shots help or just make you sick?)
Source: “US News & World Report”


1940 [63] Jack Nicklaus, Columbus OH, golf legend (holds record for winning the most majors – 18 professional titles, including 4 US Opens, 3 British Opens, 5 PGA and 6 Masters Championships/one of only 2 players to win back-to-back Masters)

1941 [62] Placido Domingo, Madrid SPA, opera tenor (“Perhaps Love”, “Three Tenors”)

1957 [46] Geena Davis, Wareham MA, 6-foot movie actress (“Thelma & Louise”, Oscar-“The Accidental Tourist”)

1963 [40] Hakeem Olajuwon, Lagos NIG, 7-foot NBA center (Toronto Raptors)

1968 [35] Charlotte Ross, Winnetka IL, TV actress (Detective Connie McDowell-“NYPD Blue”)

1973 [30] DJ (Chris) Kilmore, Pittsburgh PA, DJ/rock musician (Incubus-“Nice to Know You”, “Drive”)

1980 [23] Christopher Masterson, Long Island NY, TV actor (Francis-“Malcolm in the Middle”)

TODAY is “Squirrel Appreciation Day”. So take a moment today and think about the squirrels. Huh?

TODAY is “National Hugging Day”, a day to hug anyone who will accept a hug. So go ahead, give somebody a big embrace! Then get sued for sexual harassment.

TOMORROW is “Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day”, a day to concentrate on your feline and answer the questions you think it’s asking. So bring in your puss – or some good SFX.

1978 [25] Bee Gees’ “Saturday Night Fever” album hits #1 and stays there for 24 weeks

1915 [88] ‘Kiwanis International’ founded in Detroit (now has over 300,000 members in more than 8,000 clubs in 77 countries)

1922 [81] 1st ‘slalom ski race’ run (Murren, Switzerland)

1967 [36] 1st ‘microwave oven’ marketed for the home as Amana offers a $495 counter-top unit  FACTOID: The microwave was invented by accident in 1946, when Raytheon Corp engineer Dr Percy Spencer noticed a candy bar in his pocket melted during tests of a new vacuum tube called a ‘magnetron’.

1993 [10] World’s ‘largest doughnut’ measures 16 feet in diameter and weighs 3,739 lbs (Utica NY)

[Wed] Canadian Cancer Society’s ‘Weedless Wednesday’
[Wed] Speak Up & Succeed Day
[Wed] Rid the World of Fad Diets Day
[Thurs] Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
[Sat] Opposite Day
[Sun] Super Bowl 37
This Week Is . . . Direct Deposit Week (an alternative to cloning?)
This Month Is . . . Celebrate the Past Month (it’s what you do when you have no future)


What the zodiac says women should wear to snare a great guy –
• Capricorn – You are sexiest in business attire. Belted jackets, full pants and a bustier or tank under the jacket work for you. An elegant, glittery watch is also sexy.
• Aquarius – Your best bet is bright blues with metallic highlights, leather is also a sexy textile for this sign – leather skirts and boots especially.
• Pisces – Stick to pastels, short dresses and low heels for your sexy look. You are most attractive while appearing romantic.
• Aries – Sleeveless turtlenecks, strappy sandals and not much jewelry is sexy for you. Sky blue is also a strong, sexy color.
• Taurus – Sensual clothing made of silks and soft, natural fibers exude a comfortable sexy style for you. Beaded jewelry is also your sexual style.
• Gemini – Your sexy look is the sporty look. Cropped jerseys, team-logo gear and sneakers give you an energetic, sexy look.
• Cancer – Woven textiles, pleats and rougher-looking fabrics are sexy for you. Green is a strong color of seduction for this sign. Always carry a name-brand purse with a logo clearly displayed.
• Leo – Red is your sexy power color and you are most seductive in sleeveless shirts. Extra high heels are also sexy for this sign.
• Virgo – Lots of blue and silver in your outfits are the natural sexy look for you. Browns and taupes are also strong seductive colors. Stick to dresses when you want to look sexiest – they can be long or short.
• Libra – Spaghetti strap tanks and dresses and chain-link necklaces, bracelets and belts are sexy for you. Light prints and the color maroon are strong.
• Scorpio – If you can get away with wearing a halter-top – do it! This is your sexiest look. Stick to green and lots of denim and dark sunglasses – even indoors.
• Sagittarius – Boot cut pants for casual and dress are sexy – and dangling earrings are a good ‘notice me!’ accessory for you. Your strong colors are powder blue and tan.

“Weekly World News” claims it has ‘interviewed dozens of experts and conducted exhaustive research’ to create this list of surefire ways to recognize aliens in our midst –
• Aliens often wear huge sunglasses to hide their eyes.
• Aliens have cold and clammy skin.
• Aliens are obsessed with technology.
• Aliens have strange body proportions.
• Aliens have strange diets.
• Aliens dance in inhuman ways.
• Aliens do not understand Earth’s sense of humor.
• Aliens dress in revealing clothes.
• They smell.
(Wow, the boss is an alien!)

BS Q & A:
Q: How many times have the Oakland Raiders appeared in the Super Bowl?
A: Trick question – the correct answer is they’ll be making their 4th appearance this Sunday, NOT their 5th. The Oakland Raiders made it to the big game in 1968, 1977 and 1981. Technically, the Raiders in the 1984 Super Bowl were the LOS ANGELES Raiders.
Source: superbowl.com

• There has never been a shutout.
• There’s never been an overtime.
• No team has won a Super Bowl after being down by more than 10 points.
• No team has appeared in 5 consecutive Super Bowls.
• There has never been a game in which either team was playing on its home field.
Source: “USA Today”

• Get a guy on the line and put him through ‘The Jerk Test’, 10 quick questions and a final score that’s just a mouse click away. Rates a jerk from zero to 100 – which qualifies a guy as a ‘lowdown snake in the grass’.
NET: http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/fx/jerk.html
• Check your ‘Food Personality Profile’. As you’ll discover, these 10 simple questions about your favorite foods can reveal a lot about who you are.
NET: http://pages.prodigy.net/deborahdoops/deborahdoops/Food%20Personality%20Quiz.htm
• Find out if you need therapy with ‘The Anger Test’. Your score will tell you if you’re a wuss or a Mike Tyson wannabe.
NET: http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/fx/anger.html

Today’s Question: 58% of guys say that they consider a woman to be their ‘girlfriend’ only after THIS happens.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They have an ‘exclusivity talk’.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.


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