Friday, January 17, 2003        Edition: #2457
We’ve Got Our Sheet Together!

TOMORROW HBO airs the 2-hours-plus “Rolling Stones: Live From Madison Square Garden”, the band’s 1st-ever live concert TV event (The Movie Network may air it in Canada later) . . . SUNDAY the reunited Doors unveil a new version of Jim Morrison’s old band at the Palms in Las Vegas, with ex-Police member Stewart Copeland on drums (he fell off his bicycle and broke an arm, delaying the original opening) . . . Model Gisele Bundchen (‘The Boobs from Brazil’) has turned down a multi-million dollar offer to act as the face of Clonaid saying, “I certainly don’t want anyone to clone me” (can they clone silicone?) . . . Seems Sony Music thinks Will Smith’s lost his ‘kid appeal’ as it has dumped the 34-year-old actor-cum-rapper even though he’s sold over 20 million albums worldwide in the past 5 years (not that he needs the money – it’s estimated his cut from “Men in Black 2″ totalled $45 million) . . . Shakira’s live-in bf at her new Miami hacienda is said to be Antonio de la Rua, son of the Argentine president . . . 80s TV show “The Dukes Of Hazzard” is being developed as a bigscreen feature film (who should play ‘Daisy Duke’?) . . . Despite the request of Richard Harris’ family that Peter O’Toole get the gig, word is Sir Michael Gambon will replace the late actor as headmaster ‘Professor Albus Dumbledore’ in future “Harry Potter” flicks.

Martin Lawrence & Steve Zahn star in the action comedy “National Security” as a pair of mismatched security guards thrown together to bust a smuggling operation (delayed 3 times since November 2001 – never a good sign!) . . . “The Hours”, based on Michael Cunningham’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, draws on the life and work of author Virginia Woolf (Nicole Kidman) to also tell the story of 2 other women, played by Julianne Moore & Meryl Streep (this movie’s on just about everybody’s awards list, which usually means – Zzzzzzzz!) . . . In the romantic comedy “A Guy Thing”, Jason Lee wakes up the morning after his bachelor party with a strange woman in his bed (Julia Stiles), then tries to hide it from his fiancée (Selma Blair) . . . In the action comedy “Kangaroo Jack”, a musician (Anthony Anderson) and his hairstylist pal (Jerry O’Connell) get mixed up with the mob and must deliver $100,000 to Australia, but a kangaroo runs off with the loot (and wacky hijinks ensue).

• The annual awards presented by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association live SUNDAY on CTV and NBC-TV from the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills CA.
• ‘Best Drama Motion Picture’ nominees include “About Schmidt”, “Gangs of New York”, “The Hours”, “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers”, and “The Pianist”.
• ‘Best Musical or Comedy Motion Picture’ nominees are “About a Boy”, “Chicago”, My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, and “Nicholas Nickleby”.
• Versatile actor Gene Hackman receives the 2003 “Cecil B DeMille Award” for career achievement.
• There’s also a series of TV awards in a variety of categories. (The show should be over by dawn.)

Belgian plant pathologist Emile Frison, head of the ‘International Network for the Improvement of Banana & Plantain’ in Montpellier, France, says the banana may soon be extinct if it doesn’t get help. The problem is – the banana hasn’t had sex in years! Frison tells “New Scientist” that without scientific help, the sterile, seedless fruit could disappear within 10 years. He says only biotechnology and genetic manipulation may be able to save it. (Aw come on, don’t be such a doomsayer. [Co-host] is still around and he hasn’t had sex in decades!)

Would you kiss your sister on the lips? THIS WEEK a 43-year-old sister visiting her inmate brother at Albany County Jail in Colonie NY laid a kiss on his lips that seemed a little too passionate, causing guards to become suspicious. They found a tiny balloon stuffed with marijuana hidden in her mouth that she was apparently attempting to pass along. Now she’s charged with ‘promoting prison contraband’. (As well as ‘slipping the tongue to a sibling’.)

A drinking competition for women at a shopping mall in Bangkok, Thailand is causing outrage. As a promotion for the traditional Thai combination of wine and moonshine, 5 bottles are lined up before each female contestant. The winner is the woman who manages to down the most in 20 minutes – without throwing up. Oh, by the way, contestants are required to wear helmets, in case they become so hammered they fall over.

• LA porn producer Ron Spallone has just finished shooting “The World’s First 300-Pound Gang Bang”, which he claims is some kind of ‘sexual world record’. The film features 50 fatsos who tip the scales at over 300 lbs plus a single average-size porn actress, Kat Kleevage. Even Spallone admits the 7-hour shoot was ‘disgusting’.
• THIS WEEK in Winnipeg, 34-year-old professional piercer Brent Moffatt, a native of Moose Jaw, set a new piercing record by sticking 702 needles into his body in a little under 8 hours, easily eclipsing the old world record of just 200 needles. The “Guinness Book of Records” people will review a videotape before confirming the record. (Hurry! He’s leaking out all over!)
PHONER: 204-942-1565 (Metamorphosis Custom Tattoo & Body Piercing)
• Starting NEXT WEEK, what’s likely the ‘world’s most expensive burger’ will be available at NYC’s DB Bistro Moderne. Chef Daniel Boulud’s creation, the DB Burger, features ground sirloin & chuck stuffed with fois gras and braised short ribs, smothered in layers of freshly-shaved black truffles and topped with horseradish, mayonnaise & tomato on a fresh-baked parmesan bun. You want fries with that? Forget it! It comes with ‘pommes souffles’. The cost of all this excess – 50 bucks … more if the price of truffles goes up.

According to the Website, which monitors the use of the English language around the world, the most frequently used word on the planet, whatever the native language, is the word ‘OK’.


1931 [72] James Earl Jones, Arkabutla MS, movie actor (Simba’s pop-“The Lion King”, Darth Vader-“Star Wars”)/ballsy commercial voice (“This is CNN”)/2002 Kennedy Center honoree  UP NEXT: Will again provide the voice of ‘Darth Vader’ in “Star Wars: Episode III”, coming in 2005.

1942 [61] Muhammad Ali, Louisville KY, 3-time heavyweight boxing champ with career record of 56-5 including 37 KOs and 19 successful title defences for $69 million in total earnings/Parkinson’s victim

1962 [41] Jim Carrey, Newmarket ON, movie actor (“The Majestic”, “The Grinch”) NEXT MOVIE: Plays a Buffalo TV reporter who’s given almighty powers for 24 hours to teach him how difficult it is to run the world in the fantasy-comedy “Bruce Almighty”, opening MAY 23

1966 [37] Luc Robitaille, Montréal QC, NHL winger (Detroit Red Wings)

1970 [33] Jeremy Roenick, Boston MA, NHL center (Philadelphia Flyers)

1971 [32] Kid Rock (Robert James Ritchie), Romeo MI, rapper (“I Am the Bullgod”, “Cowboy”)/Pam Anderson’s boy-toy

1973 [30] Aaron Ward, Windsor ON, NHL defenceman (Carolina Hurricanes)

1982 [21] Amanda Wilkinson, Belleville ON, country singer (The Wilkinsons-“Jimmy’s Got a Girlfriend”, “Boy Oh Boy”)

1955 [48] Kevin Costner, Lynwood CA, movie actor (“13 Days”, Oscar-“Dances With Wolves”)   NEXT FILM: Directs & stars in the Western “Open Range”, about a former gunslinger forced to take up arms again when he’s threatened by a corrupt lawman, opening MAY 23

1961 [42] Mark Messier, Edmonton AB, future Hall of Fame NHL center (NY Rangers, ex-Vancouver & Edmonton)/6 Stanley Cups

1969 [34] Jesse L Martin, Blue Ridge Mountains VA, TV actor (Detective Ed Green-“Law & Order” since 1999)

1971 [32] Jonathan Davis, Bakersfield CA, rock singer (Korn-“ADIDAS”, “No Place to Hide”)

TODAY is “National Get to Know Your Customer Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘Lock the Front Door, Here Comes That Pain-in-the-Butt Again Day’)

TODAY is “Saint Anthony Day”, honoring the patron saint of domestic animals and ‘diggers’ (like Anna Nicole Smith?).

TODAY is “Judgment Day”, a day to look at yourself in the mirror and see how you’re doing. (Tomorrow is ‘Sign Up at the Fitness Club Day’.) .

TOMORROW thousands are expected to participate in “Don’t Attack Iraq” demonstrations across Canada against the possibility of war in Iraq. Organizers have called for pan-Canadian ‘anti-war days of action’ January 18 and 19. Rallies are also expected throughout Europe, in Japan, South Africa, Turkey, and Australia.

TOMORROW is “Pooh Day”, honoring the 1882 birthday of “Winnie-the-Pooh” author AA Milne [D-1956] in London ENG.

SUNDAY is “Cut Yourself Some Slack Day”, a day to ‘do unto ourselves what we would have others do unto us’. Hey, give yourself a break!

SUNDAY is “International Sing-Out Day”, a time to break out in song just like they do in all those goofy old musicals.

1995 [08] Shania Twain releases 1st hit single, “Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under” (and it’s been “Up Up Up” ever since)

1998 [05] Savage Garden’s “Truly, Madly, Deeply” hits #1 on pop charts

1795 [208] 1st ‘curling club’ organized, the Dudingston Curling Society in Edinburgh, Scotland (and the next day, the 1st skip suffers a hangover)

1918 [85] Québec legislature 1st debates motion recommending that the province should form a sovereign country (plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose)

1874 [129] 1st well-known Siamese twins Chang and Eng, who are joined at the chest, die at 63 (after years of touring with the PT Barnum Show, they retired to 2 farms in North Carolina, married 2 sisters and raised 2 families – ALTERNATING nights between farms!)

1997 [06] Irish court grants 1st divorce in the nation’s history

[Sun] National Penguin Awareness Day (aka ‘Tuxedo Rental Day’)
[Sun] AFC/NFC Championship Games (Raiders & Eagles in Super Bowl?)
[Mon] Martin Luther King Jr Day (USA)
[Mon] World Religion Day (aka ‘Let’s Start a New War Day’)
[Mon] Philately Day (you just can’t lick it!)
[Tues] “American Idol 2″ begins
[Wed] Canadian Cancer Society’s ‘Weedless Wednesday’
[Wed] Answer Your Cat’s Question Day
This Week Is . . . Special Education Week
This Month Is . . . National Hobby Month (what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard of someone collecting?) / National Get To Know a Real Estate Agent Month (aka ‘Please, I’d Rather Have Needles Stuck in My Eyes Month’)


You read the script line-by-line, while a listener on the phone or studio guest provides the SFX as best they can. Today, through the magic of radio, we have the first-ever trailer for “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”, which is amazing because it’s not coming out till DECEMBER –
    In the 3rd chapter of the apparently never-ending “Rings” saga, war breaks out at Rohan [SFX] even though weapons inspectors searched for months and found nothing. While Saruman’s fortress is under siege, he makes this demonic threat [SFX]. Meantime, Frodo & Sam continue their journey into the heart of Mordor where they discover even more strange little people gibbering away in a strange language [SFX]. Just as Frodo is about to pass out from boredom, those hot Middle Earth babes Arwen and Galadriel show up to the hoots and cheers of the little people [SFX]. But when Frodo announces this is the final chapter of the trilogy, the little people are dismayed [SFX]. There’s no one left to be captured and freed, no more movie work for circus freaks! Smeagol, in particular, is moved to tears [SFX]. Bilbo Baggins sighs [SFX] for he’s not only out-of-work, he’s had to go through life with the name ‘Bilbo Baggins’. Just as the fate of all mankind hangs in the balance, a giant door creaks open in the fortress of Gondor [SFX]. Out pops director Peter Jackson causing the entire cast to gasp [SFX]. “I have great news”, he says. “They’ve cloned JRR Tolkien and there’s going to be another book that we can make into an even longer and duller movie!” The little people go wild [SFX].

BS Q & A:
Q: What did a 2001 survey of 5,000 navels determine is ‘almost always’ the color of belly button lint?
A: Blue.
Source: “Trivial Pursuit: 20th Anniversary Edition [Canadian Version]”

Police chases may never look the same again! A North Carolina company called Government Acquisitions has come up with a scheme to provide police departments with FREE cruisers in exchange for displaying ads on the vehicles, similar to the blurbs you see on race cars. Surprisingly, almost 100 police departments have signed up!
PHONER: 980-722-5555 (Ken Allison, Government Acquisitions LLC, Charlotte NC)

Today’s Question: 35% of people who’ve used a dating service have this in common.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They’re married.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.


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