Monday, January 13, 2003        Edition: #2453
Sheet Rocks!

BS FROM THE TABLOIDS:
• “Daily Mail” reports that an unnamed rock superstar has been tagged by the FBI in an investigation of Internet child porn. While he is not identified, he’s apparently married with children and living in Britain. Meantime, in an effort to clear his name, The Who’s 57-year-old guitarist Pete Townshend has admitted paying to enter an Internet site advertising child porn, but claims he did so purely for research purposes to see what was there. “News of the World” quotes him as saying, “I haven’t been charged with anything, but I think I’m f****ed.”
• “Mirror” reports that 53-year-old Bee Gees singer Maurice Gibb died YESTERDAY in a Miami hospital after suffering a heart attack during an operation to remove an intestinal blockage. (“How Can You Men a Broken Heart?” Seems you can’t.)
• TODAY Nicole Kidman becomes the 2nd celebrity of the year to be awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. “E! Online” reports the Aussie actress will share the same block as last week’s honoree, Steven Spielberg, in front of the Kodak Theater.
• Here’s this week’s ‘breaking news’, according to “Weekly World News” – “Boob-onic Plague – Mysterious New Disease Turns Big-Breasted Babes Into Flat-Chested Females!”, “Noah’s Ark Afloat in the Sea of Japan!”, “Saddam Challenges Bush to a Duel!”, and – who knew? – “Space Aliens Are Mutilating Cattle – They’re Hooked on Steaks & Burgers!”
• According to “National Enquirer”, Bobby Brown tried to kill wife Whitney Houston with his bare
hands during a drunken fit of rage. Reportedly Whitney only managed to escape his choke-hold by slamming him over the head with an ashtray and sending him to hospital! (See the whole story on this week’s “WWE Smackdown”!)
• Princess Di’s former lover James Hewitt says he’s not planning to sell her love letters for the $6 million they’re expected to fetch, but rather as a public service. “Everywhere” quotes the kiss-‘n-tell cad as saying, ”I think it may be irresponsible NOT to sell them”. (Tacky tacky.)
• Word up that Jennifer Lopez has laid down the law and forced fiancé Ben Affleck to get rid of all signs of his former bachelor lifestyle. “Mail on Sunday” reports that includes his pool table and jukebox. (This guy’s pussy-whipped and he’s not even married yet!)
• “Bizarre” has the latest Hollywood injury list – Jennifer Aniston is reportedly soldiering on with her new, as-yet-untitled movie despite breaking a toe when she accidentally walked into a table. And George Clooney is on crutches after spraining an ankle playing basketball.
• Britain’s “Sun” tab reports that Elton John and partner David Furnish will produce a computer-animated version of “Romeo and Juliet” – starring garden gnomes. “Gnomeo and Juliet” is due out in 2005 and Elton will also be writing the soundtrack. (Furnish will help him hit the high notes.)

30TH ANNUAL AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS:
• TONIGHT @ 8 on ABC-TV, hosted by the Osbournes. Aimee Osbourne, the one member of the family who eludes MTV’s cameras, will make a rare public appearance as a presenter.
• To open the show, Elton John will duet with Tim McGraw on a new version of Elton’s “Tiny Dancer”.
• Ashanti leads nominees with 5 nominations, including ‘Favorite New Artist’ in both the pop/rock and R&B/hip-hop categories. (What about gospel/Spanish/jazz?.)

MONEY DOWN THE TANK:
Do you think you’re giving your car a treat by filling the tank with mid-grade or premium gasoline? Odds are you’re wasting your money. Contrary to popular opinion, premium gas does not provide more power and doesn’t improve performance, burn more cleanly, reduce engine wear or improve mileage. Premium gasoline doesn’t keep your engine any cleaner than regular gas either. Most cars run just fine on regular (87 octane), according to the publication “Avenues”. So unless your owner’s manual specifies high-grade, fugettaboutit.

STINKY SOLUTION:
Feel a cold coming on? To relieve symptoms, medical experts interviewed for “Natural Health” recommend that, in addition to vitamin C, you also take regular doses of garlic. (Also helps you to not spread germs – because no one will come near you!)

IDENTITY CRISIS:
Identity theft has become the #1 form of consumer fraud. Here’s a few tips on protecting yours –
• Keep a separate credit card with a low limit exclusively for online transactions.
• Never leave ATM, gas pump or credit-card receipts behind, and never toss them into a public trash container.
• Order cheques that use only your first initial with your last name. If a crook steals it, he won’t know whether you sign your cheques with the initial or your first name – but your bank does.
• Don’t store financial information on your laptop. They’re often stolen for the info in them, not the hardware.
Source: “Washington Post”

BS SHOCKING FACT:
The average person locks their keys in the car twice in their life. (After which they smarten up and buy one of those little magnetic key holders.)

THE BULL SHEET 01.13.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1628 [D-1703] French writer Charles Perrault was born 375 years ago TODAY. He was the first to write down fairy tales that were previously passed on by word-of-mouth (“Tales from Mother Goose”). In his version of “Cinderella”, her slippers were made of fur. It seems English translators later mistook the French word ‘verre’ (fur) for ‘vair’ (glass).

1961 [42] Julia Louis-Dreyfus, NYC, former TV actress (Elaine Benes-“Seinfeld” 1990-99) whose attempt at her own sitcom, “Watching Ellie”, failed – because no one was

1962 [41] Trace Adkins, Sarepta LA, country singer (“Chrome”, “Every Light in the House Is On”)

1964 [39] Penelope Ann Miller, LA CA, movie actress who has acted with all 3 stars of the “Godfather” saga – Marlon Brando (“The Freshman”), Robert DeNiro (“Awakenings”) and Al
 Pacino (“Carlito’s Way”)

1977 [26] Orlando Bloom, Caterbury ENG, movie actor (Legolas Greenleaf-”Lord of the Rings” series, “Black Hawk Down”)  UPCOMING: Plays ‘Paris’ against Brad Pitt’s ‘Achilles’ in the historical war drama, “Troy”, due in 2004

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Sweden/Norway] “Tyvendedagen” (20th day of Christmas)
[USA] “Stephen Foster Memorial Day” (“Way down upon dah Swa-neeee Ribber …”)

The ‘National Association of Professional Organizers‘ has declared TODAY “National Clean-Off-Your-Desk-Day”, to provide a yearly opportunity for seeing the top of your desk. Step one – find your desk. (If cluttered desk = cluttered mind, then an empty desk = empty ???)

TODAY is “Make Your Dream Come True Day”, presumably another observance initiated by the Society of Hopeless Optimists. (It’s easy to accomplish this lofty goal. First, get a whole bunch of money …)

TODAY is “Thank God It’s Monday Day”, but don’t mention that to anyone or you’re liable to get slapped upside the head. Recent research confirms what you already know – MONDAY is the most stressful day of the week. Hard to believe, but FRIDAY is 2nd (hurrying to get done for the weekend perhaps?).

According to weather lore, TOMORROW is traditionally the “Coldest Day of the Year” in the Northern Hemisphere, likely because the coldest temp of all-time was recorded January 14, 1734 in Siberia. At -120 F, smoke would not rise and birds dropped frozen to the ground.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1863 [140] 1st ‘one-piece pedestal flushing toilet’ (Thomas Crapper & Co-UK)

1957 [46] 1st ‘Frisbee’ (Wham-O Co)

1968 [35] 1st fatality during NHL play (Minnesota North Star’s Bill Masterson after being checked into boards)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1981 [22] Colorado’s Barbara Sonntag sets ‘crochet record’ of 147 stitches per minute for 30 minutes (is this an Olympic event yet?)

1985 [18] Likely the ‘oldest to score an ace’, 99-year-old Otto Bucher sinks a hole-in-one on a golf course in Spain

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Wed] Hat Day
[Thurs] 2003 Sundance Film Festival opens
[Thurs] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
[Fri] Get to Know Your Customer Day
[Sat] Nationwide ‘Don’t Attack Iraq’ protest scheduled
[Sun] 60th Annual Golden Globe Awards

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Printing Ink Week
Fire the Boss Week
Let Men Be Our Heroes Week
Special Education Week
National Bowling Week
Word Processing Transcriptionist Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
WHY FOOTBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX :

• People cheer when you score.
• You can take a timeout if you’re tired.
• You have a coach on the sidelines
• Protective equipment is reusable.
• There’s instant replay.

WHAT MEN SAY & WHAT THEY MEAN:
• “It’s a guy thing.” (There is no rational thought pattern connected with it.)
• “Sure, honey.” (Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.)
• “Have you lost weight?” (I’ve just spent our last $90 on a cordless drill.)
• “My wife doesn’t understand me.” (She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.)
• “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” (I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.)
• “That’s women’s work.” (It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.)
• “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.” (The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.)

BS Q & A:
Q: What do you call a resident of the Isle of Man?
A: Manx.
Source: “Webster’s College Dictionary”

BS ‘WHICH IS REAL?’
One of the following is a real invention (though not necessarily ever marketed), the other total made-up BS. Pick the correct one 3 times and win! So, which is real . . .
• ‘Glow-in-the-Dark Slippers’ [a great idea that never caught on] or ‘Leather Underwear Made from Genuine NFL Footballs’ [BS].
• ‘Women-Only Jockstrap’ [BS] or ‘Women-Only Cell Phone’ [Samsung is releasing one in 3 months that resembles a makeup compact and features an electronic calorie counter and bio-rhythm readings].
• ‘Computer Games for the Blind’ [developed in the Netherlands with no images, just sounds] or ‘The Braille Speedometer’ [BS].
• ‘Umbrella That Sings in the Rain’ [unveiled at a Swiss invention fair last year] or ‘Laser Toenail Clippers’ [BS].
• ‘Automatic Crotch Scratcher’ [BS] or ‘Automatic Pet Scratcher’ [a wall-mounted device with an artificial hand and electric eye that starts a scratching motion whenever the pet comes close].

BULL’S EYE:
You don’t have to be funny. Who decided that morning shows had to have a laugh-a-minute to be good? Certainly not listeners. There’s no worse turn-off than people trying to be funny when they’re not (you’ve met them at parties). You’re either naturally funny or you’re not. You can succeed by being personable, informative, topical, warm, thought-provoking … whatever your particular strength is – but you don’t HAVE to be funny.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: One-third of us admit to not going to work because of this.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Hangover.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.

WELCOME NEW BS-ERS!
BS welcomes samplers this week that include Mitch Johnson @ WCRE Cheraw SC, Crystal Hynde @ KABL San Francisco CA, Helsa @ U-FM Jakarta, Indonesia, Brad Bell @ WYBL [nicknamed THE BULL ... cool!] Louisville KY, Gabriel Calderon @ WMEG Guaynabo PR, KC Bejerana @ KXME Honolulu HI, Chuck Manning @ KWNR Las Vegas NV, and Pramod Borse @ ALL INDIA RADIO Nashik, India.

 


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