Thursday, January 9, 2003        Edition: #2451
Sheet, featuring Bull

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“Chicago” actress Renee Zellweger has been spotted ‘lip-locked’ at an LA party in the arms of ex-boyfriend George Clooney (the guy’s a serial lover) . . . J-Lo & Ben Affleck are reportedly house hunting in Las Vegas (perfect spot for a recovering gambling addict and a serial shopper) . . . Too bad aging diva Diana Ross has won an injunction against the publication of video footage of her drunk driving arrest – apparently it’s hilarious viewing! . . . We won’t be hearing from George Michael anytime soon – the state-of-the-art recording studio he just built in the basement of his Oxfordshire UK mansion has been destroyed by flooding (it’s a true ‘act of God’!) . . . Word is “Sex & the City” star Kim Cattrall has separated from her 4-year husband Mark Levinson due to his incessant demands for – what else – sex (just last year they were all over the talk show circuit flogging their book “Satisfaction: The Art of Female Orgasm”) . . . Shakira is said to have hired an army of security guards to watch her back 24/7 after reportedly receiving death threats . . . Perpetually excited “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin is getting his own talk show on Australia’s Channel Nine and his first guest is rumored to be buddy Russell Crowe . . . Paul McCartney grossed $103.3 million in concert tickets last year, making his tour the highest-grossing act of 2002, according to concert trade publication “Pollstar” . . . And in its annual “Foe Paw Report” on the worst anti-animal messages in the media, the American Humane Society has lambasted reality TV show “Fear Factor” as ‘cheap entertainment at the expense of all living creatures’ (most notably, the contestants!).

MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
Gwyneth Paltrow reportedly got seasick while filming a rowing scene in 6-foot waves off the New Zealand coast for “Ted and Sylvia”, the story of the ‘stormy relationship’ between English poet laureate Ted Hughes & American poet Sylvia Plath . . . Plans for a $15-million romantic comedy called “Therapy” starring Geri Halliwell have been scrapped because producers couldn’t find a suitable actor willing to play her love interest (wow, that’s almost as embarrassing as being a former Spice Girl) . . . Jennifer Love Hewitt turned down the role so now Britney Spears is in talks to play a modern-day female ‘Sherlock Holmes’ trying to save the US President’s kidnapped son in a mystery oddly titled “221bCAUSE” (from Holmes’ address – 221b Baker Street in London) . . . Susan Sarandon is said to be interested in the lead role of a TV movie A&E Network is developing about screen legend Bette Davis (she’s got the eyes for it) . . . Tom Cruise is making himself at home while filming “The Last Samurai” in Taranaki, New Zealand, introducing himself to neighbors whenever possible despite being hounded by a local TV weatherman who’s staked out hoping for a Tom sighting . . . Plans are underway for a sequel to the 1997 thriller “Anaconda” that put Jennifer Lopez & Ice Cube in the rain forest with a giant killer snake (even though it was dumb, the original grossed over $136 million) . . . Ben Stiller & Jack Black will star in the upcoming comedy “Envy” in which Black’s character creates a spray called ‘Vapoorizer’ which makes dog poop evaporate into thin air.      

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• A new poll by online dating service match.com finds that 29% of women would refuse to kiss a man who is flat broke. (So don’t expect a goodnight kiss after blowing your last dime on a fancy dinner.)
• The gender gap rears its ugly head in this sensuality poll. When asked which of the 5 senses is most erotic, most men selected ‘sight’ while most women said ‘touch’ is the biggest turn-on. (Something to do with wanting the lights out to hide cellulite?)
• “Men’s Health” magazine recently polled 200 women who said they think a guy is romantic, intelligent and sexy when he – drinks red wine. (And downright irresistible if it’s still in the paper bag!)

I WANNA GIRL JUST LIKE THE GIRL …
In a new study published in the journal “Evolution & Human Behavior”, researchers at Scotland’s St Andrews University say that women are most attracted to men who remind them of their fathers and men to women who resemble their mothers. In fact, we are most likely to marry someone who looks like our opposite sex parent, particularly when it comes to hair and eye color. The researchers say many animals, such as birds and monkeys, also tend to choose partners which resemble their parents.

OLD MONKEYS NEVER DIE:
A plan by Germany’s Berlin Zoo to sack its older monkeys and replace them with younger ones that run around more and amuse patrons has backfired. Local animal lovers and several media types are outraged that 5 middle-aged chimps are scheduled to be shipped off to China. Now there’s a movement to save ‘Gusta’, ‘Lilly’, ‘Karel’, ‘Pedro’ & ‘Soko’. (Somehow I now feel a little more secure about staying on this show.)

DEAR JOHN’S PHONE NUMBER:
New Yorker Jonah Peretti and his sister Chelsea started up the ‘Rejection Line’ as a hassle-free way for people to tell would-be suitors to take a hike. The phone number connects to a recorded male voice that announces: “Unfortunately, the person who gave you this number does not want to talk to you or speak to you again.” Then callers are asked if they want to speak to a ‘comfort specialist’, hear a sad poem, or cling to the unrealistic hope that a relationship is still possible.
PHONER: 212-479-7990 (NYC)

THE NAME GAME:
In his new book “Baby Names Around the World”, name expert Bruce Lansky recommends that parents who want their daughters to succeed in the corporate world should avoid names that end in ‘y’. Why? Names like ‘Jenny’ and ‘Patsy’ sound cute, nice and sweet, but not smart, confident and professional. To give your daughter a shot at success, Lansky suggests unisex names that sound powerful and not cutesy. (Would Martha Stewart be a multi-media mogul if her name was Bunny?)

HI-TECH RELIGION:
TIM, Italy’s largest mobile phone operator, is now offering subscribers SMS messages with the ‘prayer of the day’, ‘saint of the day’ and ‘gospel of the day’ – for 15 cents a pop. The inspirational messages are expected to be popular with Italian Catholics who’ll hear 4 beeps on their mobile phones whenever there’s a new message from the Big Guy. (Proceeds go to priest rehab.)

SETTING EQUAL RIGHTS BACK A CENTURY:
Sex Bomb Promotions came up with a unique service for sports-mad Aussies at the recent “Ashes Cricket Test” in Sydney – ‘beer wenches’. In order not to miss any of the exciting action (oh please, this is cricket!) fans (presumably male) could hire young babes from a modeling agency dressed in denim hot pants and tight T-shirts to fetch them beer for only –  $37 an hour! The service will also be available at auto racing events Down Under.

RINGS SEQUEL:
An unpublished book by JRR Tolkien has just been discovered in an old box at the Bodleian Library in Oxford, England. The manuscript is a translation and analysis of the epic Old English poem “Beowulf” (which has tortured many an English Lit major). It will be published NEXT SUMMER. So will the story of the 6th century Scandinavian warrior make it to the bigscreen? Stay tuned. (And you thought “Lord of the Rings” was long and boring!)

THE BULL SHEET 01.09.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [68] Bob Denver, New Rochelle NY, former TV actor (Gilligan-“Gilligan’s Island”) who now lives in West Virgina with his wife Dreama & still does countless fan fests dressed as ‘Gilligan’

1935 [68] Dick Enberg, Mt Clemens MI, CBS-TV sportscaster famous for exclaiming “Oh my!” (isn’t he a far better NFL play-by-play announcer than CBS’ #1 guy Greg Gumbel?)

1944 [59] Jimmy Page, Heston ENG, classic rock musician (Led Zeppelin-“Stairway to Heaven”)  NOTE: His fortune is estimated over $100 million and he owns much of the property around Loch Ness in Scotland

1967 [36] Dave Matthews, Johannesburg SA, rock singer (Dave Matthews Band-“Everyday”, “Crash”, Grammy-“So Much To Say”)

1967 [36] Steve Harwell, Santa Clara CA, pop singer (Smash Mouth-“I’m a Believer”, “All Star”, “Walkin’ On the Sun”)

1978 [25] AJ (Alexander James) McLean, West Palm Beach FL, washed-up pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Shape of My Heart”, “One”) who spent time in rehab in 2001

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the ancient “Virgin Sacrifice Day” (discontinued when qualified subjects could no longer be found).

TODAY is “National Static Electricity Day” (always a bad hair day).

TODAY is ”Step-Father’s Day”, a day to honor ‘all step-fathers everywhere who come into our lives and hold a special place in our hearts’. Coincidently it’s also “Play God Day” and “National Rape Survivor Day” (coincidence?).

TODAY is “Pharmacists Day”, honoring those who, for no apparent reason, get to work on a platform a foot-and-a-half above the rest of us. Perhaps it’s due to the status gained from performing an extremely difficult job – taking pills from big jars and counting them out into little ones.

TODAY-Sunday the “Canadian Figure Skating Championships” continue at Saskatchewan Place in Saskatoon.
PHONER: 306-975-3155
NET: http://www.saskatchewanplace.com/events/figureskating_2003.html

The “2003 North American International Auto Show”, one of the world’s largest, opens to the public in Detroit SATURDAY-January 20th. Some of the oddest named vehicles at the show are VW’s ‘Touareg’ SUV (from a Nomadic tribe of the Sahara desert), Maserati’s ‘Kubang’ (the name of a wind in Java), and the California-designed Dodge ‘Kahuna’. Ask about new car gadgets.
PHONER: 248-362-4200 (John Bailey & Associates, Troy MI)
NET: http://www.naias.com/main.asp?visitorType=1
HOTTEST NEW CARS OF 2003:
• Nissan 350Z (voted ‘Most Significant Vehicle of the Year’)
• Hummer H2
• Porsche Cayenne
• Chevrolet SSR
• BMW Z4
Source: “Edmunds”

TOMORROW is BS’s annual “Egg Balancing Day”, the day eggs stand up for themselves. It takes a little practice to remove supporting fingers gently, but once standing your egg will stay erect for 24 hours. If you want to know why it works, interview a local physics professor. It’s no yolk! It’s the perfect breakfast eggs-periment for morning shows!

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1799 [204] 1st-ever ‘income tax’ imposed (England)

1932 [71] 1st recorded ‘pink snow’ falls as dust storm mixes with snow (Durango CO)

1941 [62] 1st demonstration of ‘color TV’ (CBS-TV)

1951 [52] 1st ‘X-rated film’ premieres, in London ENG (“La Vie Commence Demain” [Life Begins Tomorrow])

2000 [03] Hit sitcom “Malcolm in the Middle” debuts on FOX-TV

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1985 [18] Calgary Flames complete NHL-record 264 games without being shut out

1996 [07] Toronto Raptors set dubious NBA record of not making a single free throw in 92-91 loss to Charlotte Hornets

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Peculiar People Day
[Sun] 29th People’s Choice Awards
[Sun] Volunteer Fireman’s Day
[Mon] 30th Annual American Music Awards
[Mon] Clean-Off-Your-Desk Day
[Mon] Thank God It’s Monday Day
This Week Is . . . Thank-Your-Customers Week / Handwriting Analysis Week
This Month Is . . . National Hot Tea Month / Be On-Purpose Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS LESS POPULAR SPORTS ON TSN:

24 hours is a lot of time to fill! Ever watch the sports net in the middle of the night? Check out some of the BS sports they fill time with –
• Extreme Chess!
• Shirts-and-Skins Speed Keyboarding
• No-Hands Auto Racing
• Uninflated Basketball
• Amish Rake Fights
• Miniature Horseshoes
• Fat Guy Hackysack
• Dog Hockey

BS FACT OR CRAP?
One of the following is pure BS, but which one?
1. Cats can smell mice from over half a mile away. (BS)
2. Cats have over 100 vocal sounds while dogs only have about 10.
3. Cat urine glows under a black light.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: By the time you reach 70, you’ll have spent 3 years of your life doing this.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Reading.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A bird in hand is better than two overhead.

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