Tuesday, January 7, 2003        Edition: #2449
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!

“Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” has now raked in over $560 million worldwide and is said to be on track to become the 2nd film to ever top the $1 billion mark (“Titanic” grossed $1.8 billion) . . . After just finishing up “Charlie’s Angels 2”, actress Drew Barrymore is rumored to be engaged – for a 3rd time – this time to Fabrizio Moretti, drummer for The Strokes (her 2 previous marriages lasted a TOTAL of 5 months, 19 days) . . . Pop singer Natalie Imbruglia has gotten engaged to boyfriend Daniel Johns of Aussie rock band Silverchair (so far, no wedding date set) . . . Word is macho actor Antonio Banderas has ‘forbidden’ his 45-year-old wife Melanie Griffiths from ever having plastic surgery again and she’s agreed (his demand came after sagging skin from her lumpy, distorted face was lifted for the 19th time and tied into a bun on top of her head) . . . Gwyneth Paltrow has reportedly asked Coldplay singer & sometime boyfriend Chris Martin to escort her to the Academy Awards, not the sort of event the shy guy would usually attend but he’s said to be considering (cool, maybe we’ll find out if they really are a couple) . . . Oprah Winfrey has lost 33 lbs so far on a custom weight-loss program designed especially for her by her personal trainer and is looking to squeeze into a size 8 (oh oh – stats show a skinnier Oprah = skinnier ratings for her show).

Mel Gibson stars in the crop circle thriller “Signs” (the DVD features deleted scenes, several featurettes and even a video that director M Night Shyamalan made as a child – does anybody ever watch all this crap?) . . . Jennifer Aniston plays a young married discount store clerk who strikes up an affair with a stock boy in the comedy-drama “The Good Girl” (her performance has actually won a couple of award nominations) . . . And for DVD collectors there’s the entire 1st season of the TV drama “The Shield”, the 3rd season of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, and Kenneth Branagh’s 1993 production of Shakespeare’s “Much Ado About Nothing”, most notable for its outstanding cast which includes the likes of Emma Thompson, Keanu Reeves, Kate Beckinsale, Denzel Washington & Michael Keaton.

1. The Beatles’ live debut appearance on the “Ed Sullivan Show” in 1964.
2. Elvis Presley’s 1968 NBC-TV “Comeback Special”.
3. The 1981 launch of MTV.
Source: VH-1’s “100 Moments That Rocked TV”

• A new Boston University study finds that random vibrations applied to the soles of the feet can help oldsters regain the balance they had in their youth. Researchers say this may lead to vibrating shoes for seniors. (Reeks hell with your hearing aid.)
• According to new research at Texas A & M University, female monkeys tend to like playing with dolls while male monkeys prefer playing with balls. (Just like humans.)

It’s one of the oldest and best-loved children’s pranks in the world – ringing a doorbell and running away. But authorities in the Mexican town of Irapuato have had enough and have warned offenders they’ll be locked up. The local governor says the game has been banned to preserve the town’s ‘population harmony’ and kids now face up to 36 hours behind bars or a $40 fine if caught. (Making the prank even more exciting.)

Some parents apparently give little consideration to the consequences of saddling their children with oddball names. A recent study of name registrations finds that over the past few years, some parents have actually named their children for favorite foods such as ‘Gouda’ or ‘Bologna’. The study also found 6 boys named ‘Timberland’ (after the boot), 49 named ‘Canon’ (like the camera), and 27 with the handle ‘Blue’ (as in ‘Little Boy’). Among girls, there were 29 registered as ‘Whisper’ and 24 named ‘Unique’.

‘Rockin Reverend’ Dorian Baxter was forced out of his traditional church because Anglican officials considered his Elvis impersonations in poor taste, so he’s started up the ‘Christ the King Graceland Independent Anglican Church of Canada’ in Newmarket ON. His inaugural service attracted some 200 supporters in a local veterans’ hall during which the 52-year-old Elvis wannabe sang favorites with a religious twist (“Well it’s one for the Father, two for the Son, three for the Holy Spirit and your life has just begun …”) and thanked the faithful after the collection by saying, “Thank you, thank you very much.”
PHONER: 905-853-0316

The directors of a Romanian soccer team who are fed up with hooligans think they’ve come up with a solution – a crocodile-filled moat to be built around the field! It’s seriously being considered as a sure-fire method of keeping rowdy football fans away from the pitch and the players. The plan is currently awaiting local government approval.

New Yorker Ronit Ray has become so tired of forking out big-time cash to be part of wedding parties, she’s started a support group for perpetual bridesmaids. At ‘Bridesmaids Anonymous’ meetings, members protest the exorbitant cost of being chosen for bridal parties by wearing the most horrible, overpriced bridesmaid getups they can find in their closets. They also pass around wedding pictures to laugh at while swapping horror stories about the ridiculous expectations and demands of quivering brides-to-be. (Ask female listeners to describe the ugliest bridesmaid gowns they’ve been forced to wear – and PAY for.)

Nearly 60% of Canadians polled for a new Leger Marketing survey say they expect 2003 to be ‘better’ than last year. 19% think it will be ‘about the same’. Just 16% predict it will be ‘worse’.


1946 [57] Jann Wenner, NYC, magazine publisher/journalist (“Rolling Stone”)

1957 [46] Katie Couric, Arlington VA, perky TV host (“The Today Show” since 1991) who’s hauling down $60 million-plus in her current 4-year deal with NBC-TV

1964 [39] Nicolas Cage, Long Beach CA, movie actor (“Gone in 60 Seconds”, “The Family Man”, Oscar-“Leaving Las Vegas”)/estranged Mr Lisa Marie Presley/director Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew  NOTE: Chose name ‘Cage’ from comic book hero ‘Luke Cage’  NEXT FILM: Plays a phobic con artist in the comedy “Matchstick Men”, opening AUGUST 8

1970 [33] Denny Lambert, Wawa ON, NHL winger (Anaheim Mighty Ducks)

• “Old Rock Day”
• “Organize Your Home Day”
• “I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore Day”

TODAY is “Orthodox Christmas” or “Julian Calendar Christmas” in many countries worldwide, including Ukraine, Russia, Yugoslavia, Ethiopia, Belarus, Georgia, and Lebanon. (A cool tradition that takes advantage of all those January sales!)

TOMORROW is “Show & Tell Day at Work”, a chance for adults to partake in the old kindergarten ritual with co-workers. (I’ll show you mine if you tell me about yours!)

FRIDAY is the 11th annual “Egg Balancing Day” as declared by BS, the day that eggs stand up for themselves. Take your average egg, gently place it on it’s fat end and ta-da! – it stands!. So be sure to bring eggs into the studio and encourage listeners join the eggs-periment. (Leaving the eggs in the carton is cheating!)

1927 [76] 1st game for ‘Harlem Globetrotters’ (Hinckley IL)

1954 [49] 1st ‘Duoscopic TV’ receiver is unveiled, allowing viewers to watch 2 different shows at the same time (a primitive version of today’s ‘picture-in-picture’)

1958 [45] 1st ‘ant farm’ is sold

1958 [45] Gibson patents its famous ‘Flying V’ guitar

1992 [11] 1st ‘video-telephone’ goes on sale ($1499)

1997 [06] Babyface ties “Grammy Awards” record with 12 nominations, originally set by Michael Jackson

[Wed] Man Watcher’s Day
[Wed] Elvis Presley’s Birthday
[Thurs] Pharmacists Day
[Thurs] Step-Father’s Day
[Sun] 29th People’s Choice Awards
[Mon] 30th Annual American Music Awards
This Week Is . . . Handwriting Analysis Week / Someday We’ll Laugh About This Week
This Month Is . . . Prune Breakfast Month / Business & Reference Books Month


In his book “Centered”, author Gerhard Reibmann claims the shape of your belly button reveals your personality and how long you’ll live. For instance –
• HORIZONTAL: You are complex, highly emotional, sensitive and can expect to live to be 68.
• VERTICAL: You are self-confident, generous, emotionally stable and have an average life expectancy of 75.
• OUTIE: You are optimistic, out-going, enthusiastic and will live to the age of 72.
• INNIE: You are gentle, loving, cautious, and prone to worry. You’ll live to be about 65.
• OFF-CENTER: You are fun-loving, unusual and experience many mood swings. You’ll live to be around 70.
• PERFECTLY ROUND: You are modest, even-tempered, quiet, and will live to be 81.

• Whyzit the letter ‘Z’ came to symbolize sleep? Why couldn’t they use a ‘B’? Or maybe an ‘H’?
• Whyzit women marry men hoping they will change and men marry women hoping they won’t?
• Whyzit there is always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray?
• Whyzit those whose approval you seek the most give you the least?
• Whyzit bikers chain their wallets to their pants? Is anyone stupid enough to try and pickpocket a biker?
• Whyzit moments after you sell something through a classified ad you get 5 calls from people who swear they would have bought it for triple the asking price?

See if you can pick out the true meaning of the following unusual words –
a) A place where you have to be quiet.
b) A disease causing loss of speech.
c) A chemical used in the production of compact discs.
[A. It’s any building in which silence is enforced, such as a library.]

a) A side dish in a traditional Scottish supper.
b) The pin that holds a hinge together.
c) The apex of a gothic arch.
[B. The pin that holds a hinge together is called a pintle.]

a) The study of zoo mysteries.
b) The study of animal DNA.
c) The study of hidden animals.
[C. The study of animals that are hidden and unknown to science, such as ‘Bigfoot’, the ‘Loch Ness Monster’, ‘Yeti’, etc.]

a) Shoplifting in Australia.
b) Corporate slang for a hostile takeover.
c) Another term for industrial espionage.
[A. It’s what Winona might do Down Under, the Aussie term for shoplifting.]

a) A 4-wheeled version of the trikes used by Florida seniors.
b) A fiscal year that’s divided into 4 quarters.
c) What Henry Ford called his first car.
[C. No one said Ford was a creative genius when it came to naming his inventions. After all, his later vehicle was dubbed simply ‘Model T’.]

Today’s Question: 98% of us claim that when it comes to doing this, we are ‘above-average’.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Driving.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

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