Tuesday, January 22, 2002        Edition: #2216
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

• You visit her parents (+1)
You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV (-3)
And the TV is off (-6)
• You spend the afternoon watching figure skating on TV (+1)
You spend the afternoon watching football (-1)
In your underwear (-6)
It’s not YOUR underwear (-15)
• When she points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, “Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you. (+1)
When she points to a woman and asks if you think she’s attractive, you say, “Yeah, but she’s lousy in bed.” (-6)
The woman is her sister. (-90)
• You take her out to dinner (+1)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar. (+2)
OK, it IS a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
• You go out to have a few beers (-9)
And miss curfew by an hour (-12)
And you didn’t call (-20)
You get home at 3am (-30)
Smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40)
And not wearing any pants (-50)
Is that a tattoo? (-200)
• She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) [Sensitive questions always start a with a deficit.]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)

TONIGHT hot-as-a-pistol R&B singer Alicia Keys opens a 28-date solo tour in Wallingford CT . . . Britney Spears is in negotiations about investing in the Planet Hollywood restaurant chain, with personal appearances part of the deal but not the business end of things . . . The hardest-working man in showbiz, 68-year-old James Brown, is expected a SECOND child with his new young wife in little more than a year . . . Ernie Todd, the 46-year-old head of the Canadian Wrestling Federation who’s known in wrestling circles as ‘The Big Kahuna’, has announced he’s pulling a Jessie Ventura and running for mayor of Winnipeg in OCTOBER . . . Nice to see Snoop Dogg still has a career — his debut hardcore porn video called (what else) “Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle” picked up a pair of trophies at the 2002 “Adult Video News Awards” . . . And David Duchovny has reportedly agreed to return as ‘Special Agent Fox Mulder’ in the series finalé of “The X-Files” when the series wraps in MAY (well it’s not like he’s busy or anything).

“Rock Star”, starring rapper-turned-actor Mark Wahlberg as a heavy metal singer from the 1980s and co-starring Jennifer Aniston, a bit of a bust at the box office . . . And a DVD version of the Jet Li action thriller “Kiss Of The Dragon” with tons of extra DVD goodies.

There’s a new specialty service offered by some real-estate companies called ‘staging your house’, which involves tidying it up so it has more appeal to potential buyers. To sell your house quicker, experts advise that before an open house you clear kitchen counters of all appliances, take everything off the refrigerator (including the dust), cut by half any knickknacks on display, hide toothbrushes, soap and other hygiene products. (Ask listeners what other tips they have, ie: baking fresh bread or hiding bowls of vanilla behind furniture.)

According to a survey by the Institute for Social Research, 62% of married couples admit they at least occasionally have trouble getting along with their spouses. (The other 38% are liars.)

The 1st ‘brothel for women’ in Europe (and perhaps the world) has gone belly up. The brothel called ‘Angels’, featured 6 male prostitutes and opened in DECEMBER in a Swiss chalet-style house in the village of Leibstadt, Switzerland close to the German border. The problem seems to be they didn’t ask for money up front, and afterward female customers would only pay what they thought the service was worth. (“Let’s see, at 10 bucks a minute that’s . . . uh 10 bucks.”)

A film crew made up of seals has brought back underwater footage which no human diver could take. Scientists fastened video cameras and lighting equipment to 15 seals and let them hunt fish beneath the Antarctic ice cap. They filmed species which have been too difficult for scientists to observe any other way. The seals brought back hours of footage and information about the toothfish, about which little was known. (One seal is refusing to participate in any further experiments, deciding what he really wants to do is direct.)

More than 10% of all the salt produced annually in the world is used to de-ice North American roads. (What a waste! It could be used for something useful, like tequila shooters.)

• ‘e-Vest’ – A merging of technology and fashion, this is a vest with 15 pockets to hold a CD or MP3 player, handheld computer, mobile phone, digital camera, portable keyboard, GPS device, 2-way radio or just about any other portable high-tech toy. What makes it interesting is there are Velcro-sealed channels running throughout the vest, joining the pockets and meant to hide the wires connecting all this techno-trash together and to ear buds. (Wires? How passé.)
• ‘Channel Cutting’ — A new method of cutting hair that removes weight from the hair and leaves it looser and more natural, as opposed to the hard-edged geometric cutting that was popular way back in the ‘90s. (And the ‘bowl cut’ your dad used to give you.)
• ‘NBA’ — Short for ‘Nice Big Arse’. A person, male or female, with a really nice butt. (“Wow, J-Lo’s got the NBA!”)
• ’Desire Discrepancy’ – Wives wanting sex less often than their husbands, one of the biggest marital problems encountered by marriage therapists these days.
• ‘Freeriding’ – Roaming off ski trails and across mountains. This winter, authorities in the French Alps have launched a campaign to get freeriders off the slopes before they injure themselves or run into others. (Or start an avalanche. Or run into a tree.)


1940 [62] John Hurt, Chesterfield ENG, movie actor (Mr Ollivander-“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”, “Contact”, “Alien”)

1949 [53] Steve Perry, Hanford CA, classic rock singer (“Oh Sherry”, Journey-“Open Arms”)

1952 [50] Teddy Gentry, Ft Payne AL, country singer (Alabama-“When It All Goes South”, “Say I”)

1959 [43] Linda Blair, St Louis MO, movie actress who really ‘turned heads’ (“The Exorcist”)/now plays ‘Joni‘ in S Club 7 TV series “LA 7″

1965 [37] Diane Lane, NYC, movie actress (“The Perfect Storm”, “Murder at 1600”)

TODAY is “Speak Up & Succeed Day” (also known as ‘You’re Fired, You Loudmouth Troublemaker Day’).

TODAY is “Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day”, a day to concentrate on your feline and answer the questions you think it’s asking.

TODAY is “Ukrainian Day”, celebrating the country’s formation in 1919. Have you noticed that the capital we used to call ‘Kiev’ is now officially being spelled ‘Kyiv’ (kay-YEEV)?

TODAY is “St Vincent’s Day”, honoring the patron saint of wine growers. Tradition says: ‘Sunshine on St Vincent’s Day means the year’s wine will be more plentiful than water.’

THIS WEEK is “Healthy Weight Week”, highlighted by “Rid the World of Fad Diets & Gimmicks Day“ TODAY, and “Women’s Healthy Weight Day” THURSDAY. The whole idea is to debunk unrealistic claims made by weight-loss companies and encourage sensible diets.
PHONER: 701-567-2646 (Frances Berg-Hettinger ND)
NET: http://www.healthyweightnetwork.com/hww.htm

1992 [10] Canada’s 1st female astronaut (Roberta Bondar lifts off in space shuttle ‘Discovery’ as Canada’s 2nd astronaut)

1952 [50] 1st ‘nude beach’ in USA opens

1997 [05] USA’s 1st female Secretary of State (Madeleine Albright)

1964 [38] World’s largest cheese (34,590 lbs/15,723 kg) produced in Wisconsin (where else?)

1982 [20] 75% of North America is covered by snow

[Wed] Weedless Wednesday
[Wed] National Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day
[Wed] Measure Your Feet Day
[Wed] National Compliment Day
[Wed] National School Nurse Day
[Thurs] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Fri] Robbie Burns Day (get ready to hurl some haggis)
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
[Mon] Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (bring some in to pop!)
Creative Frugality Week
Canadian Skiing & Snowboarding Week
Be On-Purpose Month
Yours, Mine & Ours Month


Are the following celebs stiff or still kickin’?
• 2-time Academy Award-winning actress Shelley Winters (alive and 79)
• Raspy-voiced disc jockey Wolfman Jack (died 7/1/1995 at 57)
• “Dennis the Menace” cartoonist Hank Ketcham (died 6/1/2001 at 81)
• Baseball Hall of Fame home run hitter Hank Aaron (alive and 67)
• ‘Scientology’ founder L Ron Hubbard (died 1/24/1986 at 74)
• “Matlock” actor Andy Griffith (alive and 75)
• Former “Tonight Show” announcer Ed McMahon (alive and 78)
• Surrealist painter Salvador Dali (died 1/23/1989 at 84)
• Original moonwalker Neil Armstrong (alive and 71)
• “Roots” author Alex Haley (died 2/10/1992 at 70)

• “If I’m not flipping you the bird it’s because I think you’re such an idiot, you wouldn’t understand!”
• “Honk if you want me to come back there with my Uzi.”
• “My other car has a left turn signal on all the time too — because I’m a total moron!”
• “51% sweetheart, 49% bitch — don’t push it, buddy!”
• “This car brakes for red lights, like it’s suppose to, jerk!”
• “If you’re close enough to read this I hope you’ve got air bags & really good insurance.”
• “You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.”
• “So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.”
• “All men are idiots. And I married their king.”

BS Q & A:
Q: Which city has hosted the most Super Bowls?
A: Miami and New Orleans have each been home to the Super Bowl 8 times. The tie will be broken FEBRUARY 3 when the game is held at the Louisiana Superdome again.
(Source: Superbowl.com)

Q: The world’s busiest air route is between which 2 cities – Hong Kong & Taipei, London & Paris, or London & New York?
A: Those are the top 3, in order.
(Source: International Civil Aviation Authority)

Q: Who’s the only member of royalty to be born in Canada?
A: Princess Margriet of the Netherlands (Dutch Royal Family took refuge in Canada during WWII).

I only listen to rap in my car . . . at red lights . . .  when it’s playing in the car beside me.

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