Wednesday, January 16, 2002        Edition: #2212
Laughter lubes life’s engine.

BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance?
• Whyzit “You awake?” is the standard concept of foreplay?
• Whyzit people order a double cheeseburger, large fries and a DIET Coke?
• Whyzit banks leave doors open, have no armed guards but chain their pens to the counter?
• Whyzit a politician will always be around when he needs you?
• Whyzit we leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway so we can store our junk in the garage?
• Whyzit we use answering machines to screen calls and then have ‘call waiting’ so we won’t
miss a call from someone we don’t want to talk to in the first place?
• Whyzit George W Bush & Britain’s Prince Harry never get together for beer and pretzels?
• Whyzit few women admit their age and few men act theirs?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT CBS-TV airs the special “Muhammad Ali’s 60th Birthday Celebration”, featuring guest appearances by Will Smith, Jamie Foxx, Mariah Carey, R Kelly & Samuel L Jackson (his actual birthday is TOMORROW, which has been declared ‘Muhammad Ali Day’ in Los Angeles) . . . TODAY in LA, eBay bidder Josh Judd will have dinner with babe actress Charlize Theron, a treat for which he paid $40,000 in an online charity auction (who would you pay 40 grand to share a table with?) . . . Word is a weekend preview screening in London of Britney Spears’ debut feature film “Crossroads” (due FEBRUARY 15) caused such howls of derisive laughter from the audience that some lines of dialogue were inaudible (trouble is, it’s not supposed to be funny) . . . Word is Pamela Anderson has banned bf Kid Rock from strip clubs — unless she gets to go along . . . Larry King has become one of the highest-paid personalities on TV with the signing of a new, 4-year contract with CNN worth an estimated $56 million — plus perks like a private plane (compared to his previous deal, it’s a 100% raise!). . . Britain’s prestigious Eton school has announced that partying Prince Harry will be booted out if he fails just one random urine test (you better study, bud!) . . . And Arnold Schwarzenegger tells German magazine “Hoerzusays” that violent movies are partly to blame for the 9/11 attacks (his next movies – the much anticipated musical comedies “True Lies 2″ and “Terminator 3″).

CEASE-FIRE ANNOUNCED:
Women’s magazine “Cosmopolitan” and men’s magazine “Maxim” will declare the war between the sexes is over in special MARCH editions. The same article will run in both mags, outlining a an armistice between the sexes agreed to over drinks in a NYC pub. Among the topics covered by the so-called peace treaty — gift-buying, remembering birthdays & anniversaries, and the thorny issue of the use of toilet seats.

CAT-A-GORIES:
“New Scientist says” researchers have developed ‘purr-sonality’ tests for cats, so they can be matched up with suitable owners. (Do you want a cat that just ignores you when you call it, or one that hisses at you first?)

THOSE WOMEN DRIVERS:
A new Honda survey of female drivers finds –
• 87% say their vehicle is ‘an important part of their life’.
• 63% say music is the most important thing they keep in their car, as well as sunglasses,
a mobile phone and make-up.
• 28% confess to losing their temper behind the wheel.
• More than half of young women admit to having sex in their cars.

BEDROOM ACTIVITY:
Sex and sleep may be the all-time favorite activities in the bedroom, but what comes next? According to a poll, almost two-thirds of us read in the bedroom, and a majority talk on the telephone, listen to music and watch TV. About a third of us exercise, 18% eat and another 18% tell researchers that they ‘entertain’ in the bedroom!

PUT THE PEDDLE TO THE PIVOT:
Swedish inventor Sven Gustafsson has developed a ‘one-peddle system’ for operating vehicles. The vehicle accelerates when the pedal is pivoted by the ankle and brakes when it is pushed to the floor. Tests show drivers brake more quickly using the all-in-one design because they don’t have to move their feet between peddles, a delay that at 50 mph adds 16 ft to stopping distance.

CUP-O-CRUD:
Beware! Your office coffee mug may be full of germs. A study by food safety specialists published in “Health” magazine finds 42% of office mugs tested to be tainted with significant numbers of dangerous bacteria. What causes the problem? The office sponge or dishcloth — a hothouse for germs.

THE BULL SHEET 01.16.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [55] Dr Laura Schlessinger, Brooklyn NY, much maligned syndicated radio talk show host who is a ‘doctor’ only because she has a PhD in physiology/author (“The Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives”, “Parenthood By Proxy: Don’t Have Them if You Won’t Raise Them”)  NOTE: She blames the cancellation of her short-lived TV show on pressure from gay rights activists which resulted in it being moved to late night hours  QUOTE: “Now go do the right thing.”

1948 [54] Cliff Thorburn, Victoria BC, former champion snooker player (1st non-British World Champion)

1959 [43] Sadé (Helen Folasade Adu), Ibadan NIG, pop/jazz singer who’s made a comeback  (“King of Sorrow”, “By Your Side”, “Cherish the Day”)/her 2001 concert tour was one of the year’s top 10

1966 [36] Maxine Jones, Paterson NJ, pop/R&B singer (En Vogue-“Free Your Mind”, “Hold On”)

1974 [28] Kate Moss, Addiscomb ENG, fashion model famous for ‘waif look’ who was ‘discovered’ at JFK Airport in 1988

1979 [D-Aug 25, 2001] Aaliyah (Haughton), Brooklyn NY, pop/R&B singer killed in plane crash (“Rock The Boat”, “Are You That Somebody?”)/2002 American Music Awards for ‘Favorite Soul/R&B Album’ and ‘Favorite Soul/R&B Artist’/briefly married to R Kelly  NOTE: At the time of her death, she was scheduled to reloop her dialogue for the vampire movie “Queen of the Damned” (scheduled to open FEBRUARY 22), a job which was completed by her older brother Rashad, whose voice is apparently similar/she was also scheduled to film a role for the 2 “Matrix” sequels

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is ”National Religious Freedom Day”. Most of us think others have the right to choose their own beliefs — as long as they match ours.

TODAY is “Work at Home with Your Spouse Day”, to encourage couples to make the most of their relationship and skills by starting a business together. So, could you work with your spouse?

TODAY is “Hot and Spicy Food International Day”, encouraging us to spice up our lives in order to add some zest to a winter’s day. What’s the absolute hottest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth? (I once ordered ribs so hot the restaurant owner brought a fire extinguisher to my table.)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1985 [17] ”Playboy” announces its 30-year tradition of stapling centerfolds into the magazine will be discontinued in favor of glue

1991 [11] ‘Gulf War’ begins at 6:45pm EST as US and 27 UN allies attack Iraq (1st televised war as CNN broadcasts “Desert Storm” live) Remember Canadian Arthur Kent, the ‘Scud Stud’?

1996 [06] Jamaican anti-drug police mistakenly fire on seaplane carrying Jimmy Buffett and U2′s Bono

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1957 [45] 1st non-stop, around-the-world commercial airplane flight

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1988 [14] Tina Turner concert in Rio de Janiero BRA attracts single-act record 180,000 fans

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Get to Know Your Customer Day
[Fri] Winnie the Pooh Day
[Sun] 59th Annual Golden Globe Awards
[Jan 23] Weedless Wednesday (1 week today)
[Feb 9-24] 2002 Olympic Winter Games
Fire the Boss Week (great, if you can pull it off!)
National Oatmeal Month
National Volunteer Blood Donor Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:

• “What unusual name did you give your pet and why?”
• “What do you do to slack off at work?” (The following activities top a recent poll — taking a coffee break, gossiping, reading the paper, tidying-up desk, surfing the Web & e-mailing, and simply gazing out of the window.)

ACTUAL ADS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN PROOFREAD:
• “For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.”
• “Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.”
• “We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.”
• “Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.”
• “Illiterate? Write today for free help.”
• “Great Dames for sale.”
• “Stock up and save. Limit one per customer.”
• “Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!”
• “Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
• “We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $5.”

TRUTH OR BS:
Are the following statement true or just a pile o’ crap?
• English is the world’s most widely spoken language. (BS. Mandarin, with 1.1 billion speakers.)
• Scottish women don’t wear kilts. (T)
• A country custom among men in Wales is to paint their toenails for good luck. (BS)
• The Japanese national anthem is expressed in only four lines. (T. Whereas the Greek anthem runs 158 verses — hope they don’t win too many Olympic golds!)
• The ‘fortune cookie’ was invented in Taiwan. (BS. The fortune cookie was invented in 1916 by George Jung, a Los Angeles noodle maker.)
• A ‘momus’ is a person who is always finding fault with others. (T. Named for Momus, the Greek god of mockery.)
• The natives of Antarctica are called the ‘Opomway’ people. (BS. Antarctica has no native population.)
• There are more kangaroos in Australia than people. (T. That’s one reason a record 6.9 million kangaroos and wallabies will be killed for commercial purposes [meat & skins] this year.)
• The Irish eat seaweed to fight the common cold. (T)

BS TAG LINE:
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

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