Monday, January 14, 2002        Edition: #2210
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS:
• Cats are smarter — you can’t get 8 cats to pull a sled through snow.
• Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
• Cats don’t insist on playing tug-o-war with dad’s undies while he’s on the ‘throne’.
• Dogs come when they’re called, cats take a message and get back to you later.
• Cats don’t go wacky when they hear a doorbell – on TV.
• Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
• Cats don’t suddenly stand up straight when lying under the coffee table.
• As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

BS TITILLATING TABLOID TIDBITS:
• TODAY the 20th ‘James Bond’ movie begins shooting, which will feature Halle Berry playing a fierce femme fatale named ‘Jinx’. “E! Online” says Halle’s got the gig thanks to the generosity of the producers of “X-Men” who reworked her schedule on the sequel.
• TODAY George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord” is being re-released as a tribute to the late Beatle, 31 years after it first topped the charts. UK’s “Sun” says the CD single’s cover shows a photo of a plant taken by keen gardener George, who lost his battle with cancer in NOVEMBER. All proceeds are going to charity. (That’s great, but is anyone these days really interested in suffering through 4.5 minutes of chanting?)
• According to “Star”, producer David E Kelley is hoping that Portia de Rossi can resurrect his
flagging “Ally McBeal” series by having her ‘Nelle Porter’ character come out of the closet as a lesbian (a case of art imitating life). Portia is said to be torn, wanting the show to succeed, but unsure that playing a TV lesbian would be a good career move.
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Mariah Carey has suffered another breakdown after an attempted reunion with her boyfriend blew up and those rumors her record company was ready to give her the boot. The tab’s photos reveal a stunningly bloated Mariah on vacation in Barbados — without a boyfriend in sight.
• “Star” reveals what may be the real story behind Backstreet Boy Nick Carter’s brush with the law in a Tampa bar over New Years. While he was only charged with ‘misdemeanor loitering’, some claim he was totally inebriated and exposed himself in the Pop City nightclub. Insiders say BSB is talking about staging an intervention and getting him some help before it’s too late. (Maybe they could change their name to ‘The Rehab Boys’.)
• “Sun” claims Madonna has banned hubby Guy Ritchie and his friends from calling her by her British nickname, ‘Madge’. (They’ve been forced to revert to her American nickname – ‘Bitch’.)
• And thanks to “Weekly World News” we learn — “3,500-Year-Old Rap Lyrics Found in Egyptian Tomb!”, “Irish Cop Captures Leprechaun!”, “Clinton Hires 3-Breasted Intern!”, and – most Earth-shaking of all – “Teens Stinky Feet Cause Brain Damage!”

ALARMING HORMONES:
German scientists have found that the brains of people who wake up at a specified time without an alarm clock produce a hormone about an hour before their wake-up time. (For men, this hormone is known as — testosterone.)

DUTCH TREAT:
Associates for Research into the Science of Enjoyment say the occasional cigarette, alcoholic drink or fatty food would actually be good for us except that others make us feel guilty about it. Studies show the Dutch feel the least shame about indulgences, while Australians are most burdened with guilt.

WOW, LOOK AT MY CELERY!
According to the new ”Oxford Companion to Food”, the aphrodisiac powers of oysters are all in the mind. Author Alan Davidson claims NO FOODS have any intrinsic aphrodisiac properties and very few substances improve blood circulation specifically in the genital area. However, eating something with an aphrodisiac reputation (such as oysters) or which is thought to resemble sexual organs (carrots, figs) may trigger thoughts of sex for some. For the rest of us, a kiss and a cuddle apparently works better than a bucket full of oysters.

COLD CASES:
A study in “Shape” magazine says that people with the highest stress levels are twice as likely to catch a cold. Researchers recommend stress reducers like exercise, meditation, yoga and music.

FOR THE RECORD:
A barber in India is bidding for a place in the record books with what he believes is the ‘longest
continuous haircut’. Jaynarayan Bhati of Bhopal claims to have cut the hair of 1,451 people LAST WEEK, including 552 women, in 108 hours. (We’re guessing the styling was hurting by the time he got to #367.)

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?
Good question. Researchers pooled information from public polling to find that on average — 24 minutes a day are spent on grooming, and another 24 minutes are lost in the morning commute. We spend an average 15 minutes on-hold on the phone. We waste 43 minutes searching for misplaced items. And, with the exception of radio people, we average about 8.4 hours a day at work.

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• TODAY in New Zealand a woman will appear in court charged with ‘making a false allegation’. Her crime? Recently police were called after a suspect package was left outside a dairy in the town of Woodville. The area was cordoned off and nearby houses evacuated while army bomb disposal experts blew up the mysterious box which was later determined to be stuffed with — used tampons.
• Some religious zealots have been burning the book, but a Dutch priest has staged a special “Harry Potter”-themed mass. Pastor Joris Ridderbos donned a wizard’s hat and encouraged youngsters to come dressed as ‘Harry’ because he says there are many similarities between the lives of the boy wiz and Jesus. (Let’s see – there’s the glasses and the lightening bolt on the forehead and . . .).
• Farmers in Switzerland have been banned from using hairspray to coif their cows at agricultural shows. Breeders have been using cosmetic products like hairspray and gel to get the cows’ coats into prime condition. Courses on ‘cow styling’ were even being offered by farmers’ associations.

WHAT YOUR HANDWRITING SAYS ABOUT YOU:
(Analyze your co-host’s, guest’s, or faxed samples from listeners.)
• Large Letters — confident and easygoing.
• Huge Letters — loud, theatrical and need to be the center of attention at all times.
• Wide Letters (width and height about the same) — open and friendly.
• Narrow Letters — shy and inhibited, but also self-disciplined.
• Letters That Don’t Touch — impulsive, artistic, sometimes impractical free thinker.
• Some Letters Connecting — personality blends logic and intuition.
• All Letters Making Contact — highly cautious.
• A Curved First Mark — traditional, you play by the rules.
• A Straight Beginning Stroke — rigid and don’t like being told what to do.
• An End Mark That Curves Up — shows generosity.
• Perfect Penmanship — the hallmark of a communicative person.
• Indecipherable Scrawl — secretive, closed-up, likes to keep your thoughts to yourself.

THE BULL SHEET 01.14.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1919 [83] Andy Rooney, Albany NY, TV commentator/professional curmudgeon (“60 Minutes”, since 1978)

1941 [61] Faye Dunaway, Bascom FL, aging film diva (Oscar-“Network”, “Bonnie & Clyde”)

1963 [39] Steven Soderbergh, Atlanta GA, movie director (“Oceans 11″, Oscar-“Traffic”, “Erin Brockovitch”)  NEXT FILM: Again directs Julia Roberts, in the romantic comedy “Full Frontal” coming in MARCH

1967 [35] Emily Watson, London ENG, film actress (“Gosford Park”, “Angela’s Ashes”)

1968 [34] LL Cool J (James Smith), Queens NY, movie actor (“Any Given Sunday”, “Charlie’s Angels”)/rap artist  NEXT FILM: The remake of futuristic thriller “Rollerball”, due FEBRUARY 8

1969 [33] Dave Grohl, Warren OH, rock musician (Foo Fighters [since 1996], Nirvana)/composer (“Next Year” [title song of TV series "Ed"], “Mission: Impossible 2″)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY in Russia and many Eastern European countries is Julian Calendar “New Year’s Day” (aka ‘Orthodox Hangover Day’).

TODAY is “National Clean-Off-Your-Desk Day”. Step one – find your desk.

TODAY is “Thank God It’s Monday Day”, presumably another observance initiated by the Society of Hopeless Optimists.

TODAY is ”National Dress Up Your Pet Day”, a day to assert our dominance over the dumb creatures of the animal kingdom by humiliatingly getting them up in human attire and then laughing at them.

According to weather lore, TODAY is the “Coldest Day of the Year”, likely because the coldest temp of all-time in the Northern Hemisphere was recorded January 14, 1734 in Siberia. At -120 F, it was said that smoke would not rise and birds dropped frozen to the ground. (But the Green Bay Packers held a practice anyway.)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1990 [12] Via passenger train ‘The Canadian’ makes final cross-country trip after federal government orders railway to cut service

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1914 [88] 1st ‘automobile assembly line’, opened by Henry Ford (whose company announced LAST WEEK that they’ll be operating a lot fewer of them)

1952 [50] 1st episode of the “Today” show on NBC-TV, starring Dave Garroway and developed by Pat Weaver, father of actress Sigourney Weaver (currently hosted by Matt Lauer & Katie Couric, who just re-upped in a new $60 million-plus, 4-year deal)

1990 [12] “America’s Funniest Home Videos” debuts on ABC-TV (it’s just been renewed again with current host Tom Bergeron)

1990 [12] Regular broadcasts of “The Simpsons” begin on FOX-TV (debuted as a series of shorts on “The Tracey Ullman Show” on April 19, 1987)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1973 [29] Last ‘perfect NFL season’ as Miami Dolphins beat Washington Redskins 14-7 at Super Bowl VII in Los Angeles to finish with 17-0 record (that Dolphin team still gathers to celebrate when the last undefeated NFL team finally loses each season)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Humanitarian Day
[Tues] National Fresh Squeezed Juice Day
[Tues] Hat Day
[Wed] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
[Wed] National Work at Home With Your Spouse Day
[Wed] National Religious Freedom Day
[Thurs] National Get to Know Your Customer Day
[Fri] Winnie the Pooh Day
[Sat] International Sing-Out Day
[Sat] National Penguin Awareness Day
[Sun] World Religion Day
[Sun] Philately Day
[Sun] 59th Annual Golden Globe Awards
Let Men Be Our Heroes Week
National Soup Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
IDIOTIC INVENTIONS:

Two of the following are real inventions, the other is a total fake. But which?
GAME #1 . . .
• ‘The Blind Date Saliva Tester’ (FAKE)
• ‘The Musical Bra for Mozart Lovers’
• ‘The Wearable Airbag’ (developed since 9/11 in Russia for people who work in office towers)

GAME #2 . . .
• ‘The Safety Coffin With Escape Hatch’
• ‘Single-Leg Pantyhose for Bank Robbers’ (FAKE)
• ‘The Pocket Bad Breath Detector’ (recently invented by a Spanish chemist concerned about garlic breath)

GAME #3 . . .
• ‘Artificial Spray-on Dirt for 4-Wheel Drive Vehicles’
• ‘Mosquito Repellent Clothing’
• ‘The Fingernail Phone’ (FAKE, at least so far)

BS Q & A:
Q: Are you more likely to live longer in the city or in the fresh country air?
A: People in Canada’s urban centers live a year longer on average than rural folks due to easier hospital access, better education and higher income.
(Source: Statistics Canada)

Q: What fast food chain founded in 1964 was named for brothers Forrest and LeRoy Raffel?
A: ‘Arby’s’, which stands for the initials ‘R-B’ for ‘Raffel Brothers’.
(Source: “Totally Trivia”)

Q: What is the only food that does not spoil?
A: Honey.
(Source: “Land O’ Useless Facts”)

BS TAG LINE:
In Chinese, the words for crisis and opportunity are the same.

WELCOME NEW BS-ERS!
BS welcomes samplers this week that include: Cherie Therese @ KKYX San Antonio TX, Bret Fox @ WULF Radcliff KY, Karen Burkett @ WQYX Clearfield PA, Mitch Johnson @ WCRE Cheraw SC, Ray Watters @ KLOA Ridgecrest CA, Danny Ridenour @ KWFX Woodward OK, Stu Berketo @ CKPC Brantford ON, and Sanjeev @ Radio 4 Kuala Lumpur MALAYSIA.

 


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