January 9, 2002

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Wednesday, January 9, 2002        Edition: #2207
Sheet Rocks!

• Going to the store for a minute takes 15 minutes of bundling up.
• Incessant TV ads showing a sunny beach in Barbados.
• The car warms up just as you get to work.
• Rude Uncle Al always writing his name in your front-yard snow.
• People you don’t even know wanna snuggle.
• You can see your breath — in the basement.

• When everyone in the elevator starts to wince you announce: “It was me!”
• When you’re late for work and the boss asks “Heavy traffic?”, you answer “No, I hate you, I hate this job and I wait until the last possible minute to leave the house each morning.”
• When someone asks why you’re selling a particular item at your garage sale you say “Because it’s a piece of crap that I don’t want anymore but rather than junk it I thought some idiot might give me money for it.”
• When a potential buyer asks why you’re selling your car you say “Because it’s a piece of crap that I don’t want anymore but rather than junk it I thought some moron might give me money for it.”
• Every time your wife asks you if you think she needs to lose some weight you end up sleeping on the couch.

TONIGHT CBS-TV re-broadcasts the concert special “Michael Jackson: 30th Anniversary Celebration” (the one where special effects were used to fix his face and add flesh to Whitney Houston’s emaciated skeleton) . . . Another sign Whitney Houston’s in trouble — 11 of the 16 tracks on her new “Love Whitney” CD already appeared on her “Greatest Hits” package that came out less than 2 years ago . . . Speculation is mounting that Tom Cruise & Penelope Cruz are about to tie the knot any day now with reports their respective clans have gathered at the little fella’s ranch in Telluride CO . . . MTV and Showtime are in talks about launching an all-gay cable channel (with all that figure skating on CTV, we already have one) . . . Christina Aguilera’s people say that purported sex video of her being flogged on the Internet is nothing more than a hoax (the fact her head is pasted on backwards might be a clue) . . . “I’m Like a Bird” singer Nelly Furtado claims “FHM” magazine digitally altered a cover shot of her to create a belly shirt that goes just below her chest and an exposed tummy — that isn’t hers (the really bad news — it’s Drew Carey’s) . . . For his birthday YESTERDAY, Elvis Presley fans voted “Love Me Tender” his all-time ‘Most Romantic Song’ (and “Burning Love” his all-time ‘Best STD Song’) . . . Following in the footsteps of Calista Flockhart, Diane Keaton & Rosie O’Donnell, Julia Roberts is set to adopt a baby, according to an Australian magazine . . . Rumor has it NBC is set to ax “Friends” when the cast’s contracts expire NEXT YEAR in a desperate move to cut the network budget (cast members now get $750,000 an episode — each) . . . Word is ”West Wing” star Rob Lowe has shelled out over 20 grand for new capped teeth to replace his old set, which were chipped and worn down (every time he smiles on TONIGHT’S episode, you’ll get color burns on your screen).

• TONIGHT at LA’s Shrine Auditorium, hosted by Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs and Jenny McCarthy.
• Alicia Keys leads nominations with 5. Other multiple nominees included Brooks & Dunn, Destiny’s Child, Dave Matthews Band, Lonestar, R Kelly, Tim McGraw, ‘N Sync and Shaggy.
• Performances by Britney Spears, Cher (huh?), Kid Rock, Uncle Kracker, Shaggy, Lenny Kravitz, and Brooks & Dunn. Luther Vandross will perform George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord”.
• After a big kerfuffle, Michael Jackson will now appear to receive the ‘Artist of the Century Award’ (um, which century?), and may or may not perform. He backed out of the show after allegedly being told by Grammy execs he could not appear on both awards shows. That led AMA producer Dick Clark to file a $10 million lawsuit against the Grammys for ‘unfair competition’. (Who really cares if the pasty white sicko shows up or not?)

• ‘Tokophobia’ — A profound dread and avoidance of childbirth. According to a recent British study, at least 1 woman in 6 is so terrified of giving birth that she induces a miscarriage or avoids becoming pregnant altogether, even though she desperately wants children.
• ‘Fan Edits’ — Thanks to digital technology, computer geeks have been re-editing music and, in some cases entire movies, then posting the ‘remixed’ versions on the Web.

Remember pre-Christmas when ads promised that “Tickle Me Elmos” would be making a ‘special announcement’ in the New Year? Well, TODAY’S the day. Some of the obnoxious li’l dolls have been pre-programmed to tell their owners they’ve have won prizes in a big-money contest. The grand prize winner gets $200,000 toward a new house, $60,000 in savings bonds for their child’s education, a VW Beetle, a new PC and a ride-on battery-operated VW for the kid (plus a handy wooden mallet to finally put an end to Elmo’s incessant giggling). There will be 5 winners overall. (The rest are pre-programmed to say, “Hahahaha, sucked you in, didn’t we?”)

With the Winter Olympics just over a month away, the FBI says there have now been some 25 reported sightings of Osama bin Laden in and around Salt Lake City. Among them – he has been spotted driving on the Interstate, strolling through a mall and eating a Big Mac. (How stupid! Everyone knows he’s now working at Wal-Mart with Elvis.)

A good sex life can slow the aging process. A study at Scotland’s Edinburgh Hospital finds making love more than twice weekly, combined with other exercise, can make both men and women look up to 14 years more youthful. (The reason Enrique Iglesias looks 7.)

The Monsanto company is attempting to create corn flakes which will stay crunchy when soaked in milk. The idea is to discover plant genes that contain high levels of wax, then transfer them into corn grown for breakfast cereal. Voila! Corn flakes that won’t go soggy. (And they also add a nice sheen when rubbed on your Subaru.)

Most of us underestimate the time needed to finish work projects according to a Simon Fraser University study. The research shows we fall an average of 3 weeks short when scheduling long-term tasks. (And the average male falls about 3 hours short of satisfying the wife.)

Women who are primary breadwinners are more likely to divorce. In fact, an Indiana University study shows women who earn 51% to 75% of the family income are TWICE as likely to separate or divorce. (When you make a hundred grand, it’s easier to say ‘hit the road, Jack’.)

A Japanese soothsayer claims she can accurately tell a man’s fortune by performing a sex act on him. (“I predict I’m gonna blow all your money.”)

• DVD Players that allow you to transfer VHS tapes onto DVD. They go for about $1,000. (And will be replaced by something new about the same time you get all those tapes transferred.)
• Shimmer Makeup: Sparkly makeup to make you shine, including one glittery makeup for bare legs. (As worn by Brandon on “Survivor”.)
• Macramé Kits/Board Games: Since 9/11 we’re staying at home more and old-fashioned in-home activities are back. (Board games may also be making a comeback because we’re sick of having bug-eyes from playing games in front of a square box.)
• Cell Phone Accessories: The latest mobile phone technology offers options like a ‘personal digital assistant’ (whatever the hell that is), speaker phones, digital organizers and wireless
Web. (Plus prices heading toward $500.)
• Rockport Custom Shoes: Said to be the ultimate in comfort, you put the insoles of these shoes in the microwave for 3 minutes and they will then mold to the shape of your feet. (Trouble is, you then have to chip them off with a chisel.)
• Hi-Tech Watches: What time is it? With the new Casio Watch-Camera it’s always time to take a picture. There’s also a watch with a built-in TV remote. (It’s called the ‘Lard-Ass’.)
• Snowdecking: The Burton Snowdeck is a snowboard without the bindings. The wooden top deck has a small ski underneath. (For people who want to break something quicker.)
(Source: “Style” network trend-watcher Jane Buckingham)

Canadians spend a total of about 25 billion hours annually on household chores like cooking and cleaning. If it were paid work, we’d earn a combined $234 billion extra!


1935 [67] Bob Denver, New Rochelle NY, former TV actor (Gilligan-“Gilligan’s Island”)
Q: What annual invent on Gilligan’s Island was the ‘Skipper’ never invited to?
A: He never got an invitation to ‘The Howell Cotillion’.
(Source: “TV Times”)

1935 [67] Dick Enberg, Mt Clemens MI, CBS-TV sportscaster famous for exclaiming “Oh my!”

1944 [58] Jimmy Page, Heston ENG, classic rock musician (Led Zeppelin-“Stairway to Heaven”)  NOTE: His fortune is estimated over $100 million and he owns much of the property around Loch Ness in Scotland

1967 [35] Dave Matthews, Johannesburg SA, rock singer (Dave Matthews Band-“Everyday”, “Crash”, Grammy-“So Much To Say”)

1967 [35] Steve Harwell, Santa Clara CA, pop singer (Smash Mouth-“I’m a Believer”, “All Star”, “Walkin’ On the Sun”)

1978 [24] AJ (Alexander James) McLean, West Palm Beach FL, pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Shape of My Heart”, “One”) who spent time in rehab in 2001

TODAY is the ancient “Virgin Sacrifice Day” (discontinued when qualified subjects could no longer be found).

TODAY is “National Static Electricity Day” (always a bad hair day).

TODAY is ”Step-Father’s Day”, a day to honor ‘all step-fathers everywhere who come into our lives and hold a special place in our hearts’. Coincidently it’s also “Play God Day” and “National Rape Survivor Day”.

TOMORROW is BS’s annual “Egg Balancing Day”, the day eggs stand up for themselves. It takes a little practice to remove supporting fingers gently, but once standing your egg will stay erect for 24 hours. If you want to know why it works, interview a local physics professor. It’s no yolk! It’s the perfect breakfast eggs-periment for morning shows!

THIS WEEK the annual “Consumer Electronics Show” is on in Las Vegas, the world’s largest annual trade show for consumer technology. This is the show where many of the electronic gizmos we now use were introduced, including the VCR (1970), both the Camcorder and CD Player (1981), the DVD (1996), HDTV (1998), and Microsoft Xbox (2001). This year’s highlights include ‘home networking’ that allows homes to both run themselves and entertain their owners, and numerous electronic gadgets for vehicles (navigation systems, satellite radios, automotive computing systems).
NET: http://www.cesweb.org
PHONER: 703-907-7600 (Consumer Electronics Association, Arlington VA)                          

1991 [11] MLB officially bans Pete Rose from being elected to Baseball Hall of Fame

2001 [01] Daytime TV soap “All My Children” airs its 8000th episode

1799 [203] 1st-ever income tax imposed (England)

1932 [70] 1st recorded ‘pink snow’ falls as dust storm mixes with snow (Durango CO)

1941 [61] 1st demonstration of ‘color TV’ (CBS-TV)

1951 [51] 1st ‘X-rated film’ premieres, in London ENG (“La Vie Commence Demain” [Life Begins Tomorrow])

2000 [02] Hit sitcom “Malcolm in the Middle” debuts on FOX-TV

1985 [17] Calgary Flames complete NHL-record 264 games without being shut out

1996 [06] Toronto Raptors set dubious NBA record of not making a single free throw in 92-91 loss to Charlotte Hornets

[Thurs] 2002 Sundance Film Festival opens
[Thurs] Peculiar People Day
[Jan 10] 2-hour finale of “Survivor: Africa”
[Sun] 28th People’s Choice Awards
Intimate Apparel Week
National Grave’s Disease Week
National Egg Month
National Careers in Cosmetology Month


“If you named your children after where they where conceived what would they be called?” (Paris? Motel 6? Back of the Bus? Park Bench?)

McIntosh apple (1811)
Montréal smoked meat (early 1900’s)
Canada Dry ginger ale (1907)
Pablum (late 1920’s)
Frozen food (1929)
Poutine (1957)
Instant food (1962)
Bloody Caesar (1969)
(Source: “Top 10 Of Everything”)

5. “Dressing up.”
4. Tying up or being tied up.
3. A liaison in a public place.
2. Romance with a stranger.
1. Relations with more than one partner.
(Source: “The Good Sex Guide” by Margi Clarke)

One of the following is FICTION, but which one?
• The word ‘love’ comes from the Greek word ‘lovar’ meaning ‘insanity’. (FICTION)
• The word ‘business’ comes from the Anglo-Saxon for ‘worry’ or ‘fatigue’.
• The word ‘vinegar’ comes from the French ‘vin aigre’ meaning ‘sour wine’.

Q: What’s the snowiest city in Canada based on average annual snowfall — Sept-Iles QC, Corner Brook NF or Timmins ON?
A: Sept-Iles, Québec, with an average total accumulation of 415 cm.
(Source: Environment Canada)

Q: If you are a thespian and someone tells you to ‘break a leg’, what is it that you are actually breaking?
A: The term ‘break a leg’ is referring to the curtains on the side of the stage behind the main curtain. These are the ‘legs’, so ‘breaking a leg’ means to make it successfully out onto the stage and then give a good performance.
(Source: “Triviaville”)

Q: True or False – cats will not walk on tin foil?
A: True. Cats will NOT walk on tin foil (or, for that matter, anything else you want them to).
(Source: “Veterinary Today”)

Women look for Mr Right. Men look for Ms Right NOW.

Tell a colleague about BS. We’ll add ONE FREE MONTH to your subscription for each new subscriber you refer.


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