Thursday, January 18, 2001                                                  Edition:  #1972

WHY FARTING IS BETTER THAN SEX:
• You don’t need to shower before farting.
• You can almost always have multiple farts. In fact, a guy can fart, and be ready to fart again immediately.
• A girl doesn’t need to fake a fart.
• You can’t get pregnant from farting.
• You can’t get AIDS from farting.
• You can share a good fart with a whole roomful of people without having to actually touch any of them.
• After you fart, your girlfriend isn’t likely to blurt out, “You mean, that’s IT?!”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Grammy-nominated Cape Breton fiddler Natalie MacMaster appears on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (Back home her appearance on Rita MacNeil’s Christmas special was a bigger deal) . . . Ain’t love mushy? Angelina Jolie and hubby Billy Bob Thornton wear special lockets containing a drop of blood from each other (Hey, what’s that scab on your neck?) . . . Rumors are buzzing that Christina Aguilera’s boyfriend Jorge Santos, a dancer in her show, is leading a  double life slumming in NYC bars with gay porn stars (A dancer who’s gay? No!) . . . Jerry Seinfeld’s ex-gal Shoshanna Lonstein reportedly has her hooks into Ben Affleck, shaking him down for a trip to Vegas on a private jet and a vacation in the Bahamas (How’s she manage to dazzle the rich and famous? As Erin Brockovich once said, “They’re called boobs, Ed”).

MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
Madonna’s company will produce a series of TV-movies for VH1, first “The Dusty Springfield Story”, then other biofilms on Def Leppard and ‘teen music queens’ (like Ricky Martin maybe?) . . . It’s official — there’ll be a 3rd “Blair Witch” movie, even though the last one tanked (they’re gonna keep making them until ‘Shakey’ the camera operator gets some decent footage) . . . A movie is reportedly being developed for Julia Roberts to play a boarding school teacher in the late 1950s, sort of like Robin Williams‘ “Dead Poets Society” (except with boobs, Ed). . . Robert De Niro is looking to co-star with Eddie Murphy in “Showtime”, described as a movie that’ll do for buddy cop movies what “Scream” did for horror pictures (you mean, make them redundant?).

WHO’S HORNIEST?
• According to a new survey more than 75% of people around-the-world have erotic fantasies, but just 45% say they’ve acted them out. (Hey, it’s tough to find a scuba suit and a vat of whipped cream when you need them.)
• About a third of those polled say they fantasize about their partners. (Freakin’ liars! Were their spouses in the room or what?)
• About a quarter fantasize about bedding actors or actresses. (Coincidently, about 1 in 4 have slept with Madonna.)
• Sexual fantasy is highest in Argentina and Chile where the rate is a hot blooded 95% (and where was it Mick Jagger boinked that model?). On the other end of the scale only 50% of Japanese polled will admit to it (who’s got time when you’re working for the Shogun 150 hours a week?).
• 28% of Greek men say they fantasize about work colleagues. (That number’s even higher among wrestlers.)
(Source: New “Harlequin Romance Poll”)

THE BULL SHEET 01.18.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955    [46] Kevin Costner, Lynwood CA, movie actor (“13 Days”, Oscar-“Dances With Wolves”) NEXT ROLE: He’ll re-team with director Ron Shelton (“Bull Durham”, “Tin Cup”) on “Two Guys on the Job”, an action thriller set in San Francisco
1961    [40] Mark Messier, Edmonton AB, NHL center (NYR, Vancouver, Edmonton)/6 Stanley Cups
1969    [32] Jesse L Martin, VA, TV actor (Detective Ed Green-“Law & Order”l)
1969    [32] Larry Webster, Elkton MD, NFL DT (AFC Champion Baltimore Ravens)
1971    [30] Jonathan Davis, Bakersfield CA, rock singer (Korn-“ADIDAS”, “No Place to Hide”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY “Inauguration Weekend” gets underway in Washington DC. Some highlights –
• Ricky Martin and Kelsey Grammar kick off festivities at THIS AFTERNOON’s “Official Opening
Celebration” at the Lincoln Memorial that will also feature skydivers and fireworks.
• The Recording Industry Association of America and the PBS show ”Austin City Limits” are producing TONIGHT’s event at the Hard Rock Café in downtown DC, headlined by country stars Asleep at the Wheel and Lee Ann Womack.
• The biggest party will be TOMORROW’s “Texas Black Tie & Boots Ball”, which has ordered 6,000 lbs of beef, 6,000 lbs of smoked ham and 60,000 pieces of jumbo shrimp. (And 6 million Tums.)
• TOMORROW Destiny’s Child, 98 Degrees and Jessica Simpson perform at the sold-out “Concert Celebrating America’s Youth” at the MCI Center.
• The Creative Coalition, a nonpartisan arts advocacy group headed by actor William Baldwin, is also throwing an inauguration party, as is NBC and parent company General Electric.
• SATURDAY George W Bush (‘Dubya’) is sworn in as the 43rd US President at noon, followed by the Inauguration Parade.  NET: http://www.presidential-inaugural.com/Event%20Calendar.html

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000    38-year-old actor Michael J Fox announces he’s leaving “Spin City” to fight Parkinson’s disease

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1917    [84] ‘Income tax’ introduced in Canada as a ‘temporary measure’ to help war effort (hey guys, is that friggin’ war over yet?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] National Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day
Volunteer Blood Donor Month (what other kind of blood donors are there?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER: “What’s the name of your pet and why?”

BS SHORT OR LONG?
• A mommy hamster gestates in 24 days. (LONG. 16 days, the shortest term of pregnancy of any mammal. By contrast, an elephant is pregnant for about a year-and-a-half. Elephants are also slower than hamsters running those metal wheels.)
• A day on Mars lasts 15 hours. (SHORT. A day on Mars is 24 hrs, 37 minutes and 22 seconds.)
• The average person’s hair grows about 2 miles in a lifetime. (SHORT. Combining the growth of each individual hair, you’re looking at 590 miles!)
• A slug can travel 100 yards in a day. (LONG. Only about 50 yards, much like the Minnesota Vikings. That’s the reason slug races are usually staged on a 1-yard course.)

BS TAG LINE: Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than it takes to get tired.

 


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