Thursday, January 4, 2001                                                    Edition:  #1962

This is “New Year’s Resolutions Week”. Studies show that about 78% of New Year’s resolutions are destined to fail. An estimated 23% are broken within a week, and 45% within a month. And here’s a look at . . .
BS RESOLUTIONS MADE BY MY DOG:
• I resolve to have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
• I resolve I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
• I resolve to circulate a petition to make leg humping a juried competition at major dog shows.
• I resolve to take time from my busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
• I resolve I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it leave his hand.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The new Canadian comedy series “Blackfly” debuts TONIGHT on Global-TV, starring comedian Ron James as an 18th-century fur trader and “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” improv star Colin Mochrie as a finicky British corporal (it’s like “Canada: A People’s History”, only mildly entertaining) . . . With over 18 million copies sold, Shania Twain’s “Come On Over” is now the best selling album by a female artist ever — in any type of music (surpassing Whitney Houston’s soundtrack to “The Bodyguard”) . . . ‘N Sync’s Justin Timberlake says he’s determined to keep himself ‘pure’ until his wedding night, but maintaining virginity is getting tough due to temptations offered by groupies (not to mention Ms Spears naked navel) . . . Toni Braxton has also promised in the past to be celibate until marriage, but reports say she’s now 7 weeks pregnant and rushing plans for a wedding to her musician boyfriend ‘before she starts to show’ . . . Word is the reason Jim Carrey dumped fiancee Renee Zellweger was she demanded a wedding date, and ‘the Grinch’ said humbug.

STOCKS BY THE STARS:
According to the publication “Intelligent Market Insights”, astrologists make better stock pickers than traditional market analysts. A recent study showed stock-picking astrologists were correct in their selections 60% of the time, while financial experts scored just 40% of the time. (“Aquarius you have a rising cusp, but a falling NASDAQ.”)

UNMASKING FAKES:
The ‘Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal’ has tracked predictions made by psychics over the past 20 years in order to debunk their credibility. So which predictions for 2000 turned out to be total hooey?
PHONER: 716-636-1425 (Barry Karr-Amherst NY)

THIS MONTH’S DUMBEST BS TABLOID HEADLINES:
• Squirrel fishing — America’s hottest new sports craze!
• Animal-rights activists win bid to outlaw snake throwing contest!
• Singing bass picks lottery winners!
• Man divorces psychic wife — because he can’t get away with anything!
• Oprah makes first contact with space aliens!
• Exploding cigarette leaves 20 homeless!
• People of the future won’t have necks!
(Thanks to those inventive people at “Weekly World News”)

THE BULL SHEET 01.04.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1937     [64] Dyan Cannon (Friesen), Tacoma WA, TV actress (Judge Whipper Cone-“Ally McBeal”)
1960    [41] Michael Stipe, Decatur GA, rock singer/songwriter (REM-“Losing My Religion”)
1963    [38] Dave Foley, Toronto ON, movie actor (“Toy Story 2″, “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut”)/TV actor (“Kids in the Hall”)
1966    [35] Deana Carter, Nashville TN, country singer named after Dean Martin (“Strawberry Wine”)
1967    [34] Benjamin Darvill, Winnipeg MB, rock musician (Crash Test Dummies-“Keep a Lid on Things”, “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
At about 4am EST THIS MORNING, Earth reached its “Perihelion”, the point in its orbit when it’s closest to the Sun — only about 91.4 million miles. (The reason Edmonton warmed up to -25.)

TODAY is “Trivia Day” in celebration of those with ‘doctorates in uselessology’. For a switch, try playing ‘Stump the Goof’, where listeners call in questions for you to answer.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1885    [116] 1st ‘appendectomy’ (Dr William Grant on a 22-year-old woman in Davenport IA)
1910    [91] 1st ‘blender’ is invented (next day, 1st pina colada is invented)
1991    [10] 1st recording artist to have 7 singles from 1 album (Janet Jackson-”Rhythm Nation 1814″)
1996    [05] 1st ‘live Internet rock concert’ includes Deborah Harry, Joan Jett & Joey Ramone

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1961     [40] Danish barbers’ assistants end longest-ever recorded strike — 33 years!
1966    [35] 17-year-old June Clark of Miami FL begins 155-day sneezing fit
1975     [26] Ice thickness measured at 4,776 meters at Wilkes Land, Antarctica
1986    [15] 1st NHLer with 100 points in 7 consecutive seasons (Wayne Gretzky-Edmonton Oilers)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon Jan 8] Man Watchers Day
[Wed Jan 10] Egg Balancing Day (the day eggs stand up by themselves!)
National Lose Weight/Feel Greet Week
Business and Reference Books Month (aka ‘Antidote to Insomnia Month’)

BULL’S BITS . . .
THE BS MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:

Schwartzenegger has a big one,
Michael J Fox has a small one,
Cher doesn’t have one,
The Pope has one but doesn’t use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
Charlie Sheen is very, very proud of his.
What is it? [ANSWER: A last name.]

BS TAG LINE: I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

WELCOME ABOARD!
BS salutes our newest subscribers – Walo Davila @ WFID-FM San Juan PR and Keith Ellert @ CKRW Whitehorse YT.

 


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