Can You Believe This Sheet?
WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• Pop singer Fergie (“Big Girls Don’t Cry”) & actor Josh Duhamel (“Las Vegas” 2003-08) are officially husband & wife after tying the knot in Malibu CA Saturday beneath magnolia trees decorated with thousands of white roses. The date of the nuptials has been known for weeks but the newlyweds still managed to keep the press at bay, exchanging vows at an intimate ceremony at Church Estates Vineyards attended by a glittering guest list that included actress/model Rebecca Romijn, Black Eyed Peas’ will.I.am, singer Kid Rock, rock guitarist Slash, and “Bride Wars” actress Kate Hudson (there were likely more people at the wedding than her lame new movie).
• Actress Katie Holmes took her final bow in the Broadway production of “All My Sons” yesterday then immediately jetted off to LA to be with hubby Tom Cruise at the “Golden Globe Awards”. She may soon return to the Big Apple, however, as she’s reportedly bagged the female lead in the upcoming stage musical version of “Finding Neverland”. (First she has to get clearance from the boss … the late L Ron Hubbard.)
– “Mail On Sunday”
• A German newspaper has a story quoting un-named Buckingham Palace insiders that claims Prince Charles’ wife Camilla (aka Seabiscuit) is fed up with her marriage to the heir to the British throne. The report says she threw herself down a staircase after drinking heavily and shouted at palace officials, “You just want to see me dead!” (On the upside, she may now need facial plastic surgery.)
• In an interview with Sydney radio station 2dayFM, actress Nicole Kidman has admitted that she’s embarrassed by “Australia” (the Baz Luhrmann movie not the country, although come to think of it …). Lest her comments be misconstrued as criticism of her co-stars, the 41-year-old clarifies that she’s only mortified by her own wooden performance, which she admits she can’t connect to emotionally at all. (Nor could the other 4 people who saw the film.)
• Only days after giving a very revealing TV interview to Barbara Walters about his ongoing battle with pancreatic cancer, actor Patrick Swayze has checked himself into hospital, suffering from pneumonia. (After all he’s been through, this’ll be a breeze … er, won’t it?)
• Britain’s BBC3 TV is set to air a new ‘observational game show’ entitled “Clever vs Stupid”. The series will offer challenges to 2 teams, one made up of so-called ‘clever’ people (ie: scientists, physicians, academics, etc); the other composed of people usually considered less intelligent (hairdressers, cooks, taxi drivers) and mistakenly labeled as stupid. The idea, according to producers, is to challenge the audiences’ perception of intelligence. (This concept’s been used for years … it’s called [you & your co-host show].)
• Hollywood stars have a history of giving their kids weird names but former “Cosby Show” actress Lisa Bonet’s new son’s moniker takes the cake … Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Bonet currently stars on the detective drama “Life On Mars” (ABC). (Good thing … she’ll need the moolah to pay for a lifetime of therapy for the kid.)
• There was a time you could score tickets to US president-elect Obama’s inaugural parade (January 20th) for just $25-a-pop … but that was before the scalpers descended. Loads of the 5,000 available bleacher seat tickets are now being re-sold for 10 times their $25 face price. Some scalpers even report pulling in $600-per-ducket. Obama’s camp is against the scalping but unfortunately the practice is legal. (This is becoming the Super Bowl of inaugurations.)
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – The Fray (“You Found Me”) are onstage.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – New “American Idol” judge Kara DioGuardi is on, likely to tell us how well she’s getting along with Paula Abdul.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – All-American Rejects perform music from the new album “When The World Comes Down”.
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Amy Winehouse – She tells “News Of the World” she’s ‘escaped from hell’ and is off drugs for good. Unfortunately, she made the announcement at a Caribbean resort in St Lucia where she’s reportedly been infuriating well-heeled guests with her drunken antics.
• Kanye West – He’s all ticked off (what else is new?), this time with “Vibe” magazine which he claims added grey hair to his beard for its cover photo. In the February issue’s inside story he says he wants to continue to make popular music …but he wants less fans. (You’re succeeding … keep talkin’.)
• Kenny Chesney – He’s chosen Miranda Lambert & Lady Antebellum to open shows for his upcoming “Sun City Carnival” tour this Summer. Lambert will hold the middle slot, with Lady Antebellum opening the shows.
• Madonna – Word is she & her ex-, Guy Ritchie, have agreed to play happy family 5 times a year for the sake of the kids. It was reportedly an awkward peace deal reached over the holidays which, remarkably, saw them in the same room for the first time in months.
• Pink – Rumor has it her latest BF is former “That ‘70s Show” actor Wilmer Valderrama. This guy’s a serial dater; his past conquests have included: Mandy Moore (2000-02), Jessica Alba (2003), Jennifer Love Hewitt (2003), Lindsay Lohan (2004-06), and Ashlee Simpson (2005-06).
• Rascal Flatts – The cover for their next album “Unstoppable”, due April 7th, will be designed by fans. Online submissions are being accepted until January 22nd; final choices will be revealed January 28th; then fan voting will pick the winner.
• R Kelly – He’s no longer trapped in a marriage as he & his 11-year wife, Andrea Kelly, have divorced. (Likely because she’s now over 15.)
• U2 – Bono’s first opinion column appeared in yesterday’s edition of the “New York Times”. The column will only appear ‘occasionally’ and will come with an accompanying podcast. (In case you need to hear his latest rant as well as read about it.)
DISNEYLAND FOR DUDES:
A German entrepreneur has built the world’s first amusement park for men, where they can play with giant toys like a 29-ton Liebhem backhoe or a 32-ton Komatsu front-end loader. The Mannerspielplatz (‘men’s playground’) started as a one-off corporate retreat but was so popular that Alexander Bammer bought 17 acres of land in order to develop the theme park that fulfills men’s dirtiest fantasies … for about $280 a pop. (But not the kind of ‘dirty fantasies’ catered to in Amsterdam.)
Want to get ahead in your career? Employment experts suggests you form alliances with the unsung workers in the office. Among them …
• The Boss’s Assistant – She/he will get you in to see the big cheese when you need to and can also put in a good word for you. After all, who do you think the boss gossips with?
• Building Maintenance – To get your heat cranked, new lightbulbs, computer connected etc, buddy up to someone in maintenance. And don’t forget the cleaning staff!
WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?
British physicist Joshua Silver has invented a pair of glasses with adjustable lenses so the wearer can fine-tune his or her own prescription without the need for an expensive specialist. Inside the glasses’ tough plastic lenses are 2 clear circular sacs filled with fluid which can be increased or decreased with a tiny syringe attached to either arm of the spectacles. When the wearer is satisfied with the thickness of the lenses, the sacs are sealed with a small screw. Silver has already distributed 30,000 pairs to needy people in 15 countries and has set a goal of offering the innovative eyeglasses to a billion people by the year 2020. (20/20 … get it?)
– “Washington Post”
BS PREPOSTEROUS PRODUCTS:
Actual innovations that went to market, albeit briefly …
• ‘Lipton Original Iced Tea Bars’ … yup, it’s iced tea on-a-stick!
• ‘Mystique Nail Polish’ … polish that changes color when you switch from indoors to outdoors.
• ‘Jump-Start Fatigue Fighter In a Pump’ … a stimulant sprayed into the mouth like breath freshener.
• ‘Moisture Jamzz’ … hand cream in a glove. (Yuck!)
THE FORCE BE WITH YOU … SOON:
A new game called ‘The Force Trainer‘ will use a wireless headset to read your brainwaves, thereby allowing you to manipulate a sphere inside a transparent ‘training tower’. A similar game on the drawing board will enable you to move a ball through an obstacle course, powered only by your thoughts. The innovative mind games are expected to be on the market in time for Christmas 2009. (What a ‘thoughtful’ gift!)
– “USA Today”
DID YOU KNOW?
• Only about 1-out-of-59 people tested for long-time TV game show “Jeopardy” ever make it onto the show. (The rest end up on “Wheel of Fortune”.)
• There’s enough gas in an airliner to power a car 4 times around-the-world. (And that’s just from the food!)
• People who fidget a lot can burn up to 1,000 calories a day just from the extra movement. (It’s the ‘Nervous Tic Diet’!)
• You have to frown a quarter-of-a-million times to make one face-wrinkle. (And that’s how we know [co-host] is a millionaire!)
• Women who use birth control pills blink an average 33% more than women who don’t. (Wait … is that a blink … or a wink?)
• ‘S-O-S’ is no longer the international distress signal. (The new distress signal is … ‘HELP!’)
BS CHRONOMETER 01.12.09
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951  Rush Limbaugh, Cape Girardeau MO, syndicated right-wing radio host/sometime prescription drug abuser1951  Kirstie Alley, Wichita KS, TV actress (“Fat Actress” 2005, “Cheers” 1987-1993)/Jenny Craig huckster
1954  Howard Stern (‘King of All Media’), Queens NY, radio ‘shock jock’ who promised to personally make ‘pay radio’ viable (Sirius Satellite Radio)
1964  Jeff Bezos, Albuquerque NM, Internet billionaire (Amazon.com founder & CEO)
1965  Rob Zombie (Cummings), Haverhill MA, metal rocker (“Educated Horses”) turned horror movie director (“Halloween”, “The Devil’s Rejects”) UP NEXT: The “Halloween” sequel, “H2“ (August 2009), and “Tyrannosaurus Rex” (2011).
1968  Heather Mills, Aldershot UK, $50-million ex-wife of Paul McCartney
1974  Melanie Chisholm (‘Sporty Spice’), Whiston UK, pop singer (Spice Girls-“Wannabe”)
TODAY’S BS REASON TO PARTY . . .
• “Clean-Off-Your-Desk Day”, observed annually on the 2nd Monday of January. C’mon once a year won’t kill ya, will it? Need a shovel?
• “Roller Skating Day”, celebrating the pastime that previously employed 4 wheels for what we now do with 2 wheels.
• “Tim Horton Birth Anniversary”. The late NHL player (Toronto Maple Leafs, NY Rangers, Pittsburgh Penguins, Buffalo Sabres) was born in Cochrane ON 79 years ago (1930). He was killed in a car crash in St Catharines ON Feb 21, 1974. Nowadays fewer folks remember his hockey career but virtually every Canadian has visited a Tim Hortons doughnut shop, a small one-outlet enterprise he began that became a mega-corporation decades after his death. (Shouldn’t this be some kind of Canadian holiday?)
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2004  Satirical TV newsmagazine “Rick Mercer Report” debuts (CBC)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1985  Bruce Springsteen’s “Born In the USA” tops album charts, knocking off Prince’s “Purple Rain” after 24 weeks
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1980  “Rapper’s Delight” by Sugarhill Gang peaks at #36 on pop singles chart (considered by many the 1st-ever rap recording)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1999  Baseball slugger Mark McGwire’s record 70th home run ball is sold at auction in NYC for $3 million to an anonymous bidder (most money ever paid for a sports artifact at the time)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] “American Idol 8” season premiere (FOX)
[Tues] Make Your Dream Come True Day
[Wed] Assembly Line Worker’s Day
[Wed] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Thurs] 2009 Sundance Film Festival opens
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Graves’ Disease Awareness Week / International Printing Week / Kid Film Week / Soccer Coaches Week / Universal Letter Writing Week
BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
THE 30-SECOND NERD TEST:
• Have you ever built a computer?
• Are your glasses broken & taped?
• Have you ever corrected a professor?
• Do you sit in the front row?
• Do you take notes in more than one color?
• Is your weight less than your IQ?
• Ever done homework on a Saturday night?
• Do you own a pencil case? Do you wear it?
• Can you name over 10 “Star Trek” episodes?
• Own a digital watch? Does it play music? Does it have a calculator?BS RANDOM JOKE:
How do you pronounce my name? With reverence.
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• You are a ‘librocubicularist’. What do you like to do?
a. Read in bed. [CORRECT]
b. Eat raw food.
c. Watch TV naked.
• Your husband is a ‘spermologer’. What does he collect?
b. Trivia. [CORRECT]
– “In A Word”
BS PHONE STARTER:
What single item that you don’t currently possess would you most like to have in your home?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Who says kids are picky eaters? 90% of children will eat THIS but only 10% of adults.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Snow.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
To avoid criticism … say, do, and be nothing.