Wednesday, January 27, 2010        Edition: #4190
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure BS!


Tonight Britain’s BBC-TV will premiere the first-ever film to be shot entirely by chimpanzees, as part of a natural history documentary called “Chimpcam” (can it be worse than a Judd Apatow film?) . . . Tonight many of your favorite TV shows will be pre-empted by Barack Obama’s “State Of the Union” address . . . Daytime talk show maven Oprah Winfrey has been voted America’s favorite TV personality in a new Harris poll, ahead of Glenn Beck (Fox News Channel) and Jay Leno (former and future “Tonight Show” host) . . . In just 8 weeks of release “Super Mario Bros Wii” has surpassed the 10-million-unit sales mark, 3 million copies in Japan alone (in Japanese ‘geek’ is ‘otaku’) . . . 63-year-old Broadway icon Liza Minnelli begins work next week as a new cast member on “Ugly Betty” (ABC), playing high school drama teacher ‘Lena Korvinka’ (judging from her freaky life, she knows ‘drama’) . . . Actor Nicolas Cage’s repossessed Las Vegas mansion has been sold for about $5 million, $3.5 million less than he paid for it (he’s almost homeless – that’s the 6th house he’s shed!) . . . “Glee” star Jane Lynch (cheerleading coach ‘Sue Sylvester’) is set to marry her long-time partner, psychologist Dr Lara Embry, in a same-sex ceremony in May (the music ought to be good) . . . A new online report claims Tiger Woods’ suspicious spouse Elin first busted her girl-crazy hubby by using his cellphone to text Rachel Uchitel while pretending to be him, then when Uchitel texted back Nordegren called her and confronted her on the phone (ew, awkward!) . . . . And just in case you don’t look bad enough when you leave the house in the morning, that scary creature Courtney Love is now doing online tutorials – in makeup (NET:


• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Auditions continue in Dallas TX; Neil Patrick Harris (“How I Met Your Mother”) and Joe Jonas (Jonas Bros) act as guest judges.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Lady Antebellum (“Need You Now”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Mayer Hawthorne (“A Strange Arrangement”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Cold War Kids (“Robbers & Cowards”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Findlay Brown (“Love Will Find You”).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Corinne Bailey Rae (“The Sea”).

• Aerosmith – Steven Tyler is said to be in rehab in Palm Springs CA, but he apparently isn’t in lockdown as last weekend he reportedly sang an impromptu a cappella version of a couple hits over the PA system of … a Home Depot. (He performs when the fridge door opens and the light goes on.)
• Angels & Airwaves – Their free forthcoming album (out February 14th) will serve as the soundtrack of a feature film titled “Love”, about an astronaut who is stranded on a space station as Earth collapses. It’s due for release later this year.
• Black Sabbath – Ozzy Osbourne has nixed any hope of another reunion, saying his old group is like an ex-girlfriend he no longer wants to date.
• Kanye West – PETA Vice President Dan Matthews has labeled him a ‘pathetic idiot’ for wearing a fur coat during “Men’s Fashion Week” in Paris. (Even without the fur …)
• Kenny Chesney – He’s going Vegas, playing The Joint at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino on the weekends of May 14-15 and July 2-3.
• Trace Adkins — He (or at least his likeness) returns today as comic book hero “Luke McBain” in the 3rd issue of the series. The first issue in November sold out in less than 48 hours.
• The Who – Pete Townshend tells “Billboard” their Super Bowl halftime performance February 7th will feature a ‘compact medley’ of their hits, including “Baba O’Riley”, “Who Are You”, and “Won’t Get Fooled Again”. (It’s the “CSI” collection.)


Today Apple Inc is expected to announce a major new product at a media gathering at the Yerba Buena Center For the Arts in San Francisco. No definitive word on what that the product is, but it seems likely to be Apple’s new tablet that’s been nicknamed the ‘iSlate’. Word has it the new product, which will ship in March, will feature either a 10 or 11-inch touchscreen and cost circa $1,000, which may include a Kindle-like built-in wireless plan. The tablet would enable users to read online content such as newspapers, books and magazines on a device about the size of a standard sheet of paper. (But can you use it in your birdcage?)
– “Digital Daily”


Real advice from real kids …
• Never trust a dog to watch your food.
• When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
• When feeding seagulls, wear a hat.
• Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
• Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.
• When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.
• Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.
• Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
• Forget the cake, go for the icing.
– Excerpted from


New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Eco Bling’ – Ineffective green technology, particular equipment added on to an existing building that does little to reduce the building’s use of natural resources.
• ‘Email Apnea’ – The unconscious and temporary suspension of regular breathing while checking and reading email. This is a real malady that’s under study.
• ‘Vegangelical’ – An extremely zealous vegan who is eager to make other people believe in and convert to veganism.


Air New Zealand has announced it will be reconfiguring its Boeing 777 cabins to incorporate ‘lie flat seats’ in Economy Class, a welcome change for long-haul passengers enduring 17-hour transpacific travel. Traditionally, the comfort of lying down has only been available to travelers in Business or First Class, but now even Economy travelers will be able to stretch out. Moveable armrests and an extension to seats will effectively make them into a sideways bed. (But as soon as you finally fall asleep the attendant will wake you up to ask, “Do you need a blanket?”)


A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 79% of women know how to check their vehicle’s oil and 58% know how to change a tire.
• 57% of men admit it made them cry when their wife accepted their marriage proposal.
• 30% of women say they’d be embarrassed to tell their friends their boyfriend is younger.
• 29% of women say fitting into their skinny jeans feels better than sex.
• 26% of women would rather eat live bugs than be seen naked in a well lit room by their spouse.
• 20% of women say they’d dump their boyfriend for $1 million.

• In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear. (Does it count if you’re wearing it on your head?)
• In France, no pig may be addressed as ‘Napoleon’ by its owner. (What about ‘Carla Bruni’?)
• In San Francisco CA, it’s illegal to pile horse manure more than 6-ft-high on a street corner. (That’s reserved for council chambers at City Hall.)
• In Athens, Greece a driver’s license can be lifted by law if the driver is deemed either ‘poorly dressed’ or ‘unbathed’. (And you’re driving stinks too!)
• In Oklahoma, you can be arrested for making ugly faces at a dog. (What if it’s an ugly dog?)
• In Switzerland, it is illegal for a man to relieve himself while standing up after 10 pm. (Even with the light on? )
• In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your wife’s birthday. (Punishable by 6 weeks in the doghouse.)
• In Salt Lake County, Utah it’s illegal to walk down the street carrying a violin in a paper bag. (How about hot soup?)
• Israel’s Supreme Court has ruled that a prison inmate cannot have an inflatable female doll in his cell. (After all, it could hurt his cell-mate’s feelings.)
– Adapted from


Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner is planning a jump in a full-pressure spacesuit from a capsule attached to a helium balloon at 120,000 ft … nearly 23-miles-high. The fall, which is likely to last over 5 minutes, is due to take place later this year in the US and is being filmed for a documentary. If he succeeds, he’ll be setting 4 new records …
1. Altitude record for freefall.
2. Distance record for longest freefall.
3. Speed record for fasted freefall by breaking the speed of sound with the human body.
4. Altitude record for the highest manned balloon flight.

• Nearly 3-out-of-4 Americans think that at least half the money spent in the federal stimulus plan has been wasted, according to a new nationwide poll.
• So many doctors are answering Haiti’s call for medical aid that the largest hospital in Port-au-Prince has a new problem …. organizing and finding good use for them all.


1957 [53] Frank Miller, Olney MD, graphic novelist/artist (“300″, “The Spirit”)/movie director (“Sin City” films)

1959 [51] Cris Collinsworth, Dayton OH, NFL TV analyst (“NBC Sunday Night Football”, NFL Network)/former NFL WR (Cincinnati Bengals 1981-88)

1959 [51] Keith Olbermann, NYC, TV personality (“Countdown with Keith Olbermann”, “NBC’s Football Night in America”)

1961 [49] Margo Timmins, Montréal QC, pop singer (Cowboy Junkies-“Misguided Angel”, “Sweet Jane”)

1968 [42] Tracy Lawrence, Atlanta TX, country singer (“Find Out Who Your Friends Are”, “Paint Me a Birmingham”)

• “Chocolate Cake Day”, for some unknown reason. But then … do we need one?

• “Family Literacy Day”, to promote the importance of reading & learning together as a family.

• “International Holocaust Remembrance Day”, a UN memorial day for the victims of Nazism.

• “Swap a Brown Bag Lunch Day”, to add some excitement to your noon hour.

• “Thomas Crapper Day”, in honor of the man who invented the toilet flush mechanism, on the anniversary of his death in 1910. Thomas Crapper & Co became engineers by appointment to the English ‘throne’.

• “Vietnam Peace Day”, observed on the anniversary of the 1973 peace deal signed in Paris that brought an end to America’s (then) longest war.


1926 [84] Scottish inventor John Logie Baird gives the initial public demonstration of ‘Television’, in London, England (what was on: “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney”)

2004 [06] Contestant William Hung butchers “She Bangs” on “American Idol” (FOX) and lands an unlikely record contract (and where is he now? NET:


1858 [152] Ottawa is selected to be the capital of Canada (beating out Moose Jaw)


[Fri] Freethinkers Day
[Fri] World Leprosy Day
[Fri] “Edge of Darkness”; “When in Rome” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Full ‘Wolf’ Moon
[Sat] Miss America Pageant (Las Vegas)
[Sun] 52nd Grammy Awards (Los Angeles)
This Week Is . . . Mozart Week
This Month Is . . . Meat Month


Early warnings that you’ve encountered ‘Feminus Obnoxium’, otherwise known as ‘a bitch’ …
• She’s self-centered. The only person in the world of any importance is herself.
• She criticizes everything about you, a common tactic used to control men.
• She’s cold-hearted, lacking a woman’s gentle soul. She never cries or shows soft emotion.
• She flirts with other men right in front of you, never considering how you may feel about it.
• She expects to be treated like a queen and thinks she is entitled to everything.
• She treats people like trash, particularly those who do things for her.
• She has no compassion for people in need, such as the poor or the sick.
• She bosses you around … just because she can.
• She never pays.
– Condensed from


What unusual thing do you keep in your ‘junk drawer’? (A poll shows the most common items are keys and rubber elastic bands.)

• Aries – Good news: an old friend will call this week whom you haven’t talked to in years. Bad news: she’ll remind you that you owe her money.
• Taurus – Old Barry Manilow songs will circle endlessly in your mind this week. Try screaming and pounding your head on a wall.
• Gemini – You will finally begin your novel! This is really great because if you’d decided to write a screenplay, you’d have to move to California and wait on tables.
• Cancer – Sometimes you need to take 1 step back to make 2 steps forward. In your case, you’ll need to go considerably further back.
• Leo – Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting & lucrative profession of ‘despot’?
• Virgo – You will hear a strange flapping sound. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers & waving feather dusters. Best to stay indoors today.
• Libra – This week you will find out that there’s more than just good manners to the etiquette rule ‘Never Yodel with Your Mouth Full’.
• Scorpio – You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately you’ll remember your self-defense lessons and successfully repel him with a stalk of celery.
• Sagittarius – You will discover that your boss was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’ve been wondering about.
• Capricorn – You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. You’ll realize this when iron filings begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
• Aquarius – If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie! That, of course, is just a metaphor for what will really happen.
• Pisces – This week you’ll realize how truly bad your sex life has become when you give a friend money to watch him clip his toenails.

Today’s Question: 80 years ago people did THIS twice a week; now we only do it about 5 times a year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Go to the movies.

Don’t be upset about getting older, some aren’t that lucky.

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