Friday, January 25, 2008        Edition: #3697
You Really Know Your Sheet!

Members of the radical Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka KS say they’ll picket actor Heath Ledger’s memorial service with signs claiming he died and is in Hell because he played a gay character in “Brokeback Mountain” (answering yesterday’s rhetorical Show Biz Buzz question) . . . They may have trouble tracking it down – a rep for the family says no public memorials are planned in either the US or Ledger’s native Australia . . . A private gathering will likely occur THIS WEEKEND as Ledger’s former fiancée, 27-year-old actress Michelle Williams, and their 2-year-old daughter Matilda Rose have returned to NYC from Gothenburg, Sweden where she’s been shooting a film . . . The 22nd ‘James Bond’ movie (opening NOVEMBER 7th) now has a title – “Quantum of Solace” (snappy, ain’t it?) . . . Not content with a “Hannah Montana”/Miley Cyrus concert film (out NEXT FRIDAY), Disney is now planning a full-blown feature film for the teeny-bop superstar, scheduled to begin filming THIS SUMMER (thereby sucking the last few dollars from pushover parents) . . . “The Office” star Steve Carell has been called up for jury duty and will serve on the panel in an upcoming civil case that may be a real challenge – both sides are Korean and don’t speak English (oh c’mon, it’s a future episode of the show, right?) . . . And “Ghost Rider” actress Eva Mendes blabs that she & movie star pal Cameron Diaz once passed time while stuck in Nepal by having a belching contest in their hotel room, but because Mendes is incapable of burping she competed by passing gas – the old fashioned way (it’s safe to say they’ve both just dropped off the latest ‘Sexiest Woman Alive’ list).

• Avril Lavigne – She says she’s learned to sing her mega-hit “Girlfriend” in Japanese to honor the fans that have made her the biggest Western pop act in the Far East.
• Brooks & Dunn – Kix Brooks is preparing for an 8-day USO tour of the Persian Gulf during which he’ll perform for troops, sign autographs, pose for pictures, and tape an episode of his syndicated radio show.
• Jane’s Addiction – Guitarist Dave Navarro is hinting their may be hope of the band overcoming differences and reuniting for a live tour. This always happens when money gets tight, no?
• Lenny Kravitz – He claims in “Maxim” magazine that he’s been celibate for 3 years after deciding to give up sex until marriage. He separated from his first wife, actress Lisa Bonet, in 1991 after 4 years together. It seems “Are You Gonna Go My Way?” now means … not at all.
• Radiohead – Guitarist Jonny Greenwood’s film score for the movie “There Will Be Blood” was deemed ineligible for an Oscar nomination because more than half the music was not composed specifically for the film.
• Spice Girls – They’ve grossed an estimated $100 million from their 17-night stand at London’s O2 Arena.
• U2 – THIS WEEK Bono has met with US Defense Secretary Robert Gates as part of his effort to persuade world leaders to increase aid to developing nations.

• “Canadian Idol” – SATURDAY & SUNDAY auditions for the show’s next season get underway at the West Edmonton Mall.
• “DGA Awards” – SATURDAY the 60th Directors’ Guild Awards are handed out in LA. Paul Thomas Anderson (“There Will Be Blood”), Sean Penn (“Into the Wild”), Joel & Ethan Coen (“No Country for Old Men”), Tony Gilroy (“Michael Clayton”), and Julian Schnabel (“The Diving Bell & the Butterfly”) are up for the ‘Best Director’ award, considered one of the most accurate “Academy Award” predictors.
• “Garth Brooks: Live in LA!“ (CBS): TONIGHT a live portion from one of his 5 SRO concerts at the Staples Center airs in a 1-hour special. He’s doing 3 concerts TODAY, 2 TOMORROW. All 85,000 tickets sold in less than an hour. Thanks to his long-running commitment to low prices for his concerts, tickets only cost $38.60. 100% of proceeds benefit the Southern California 2008 Fire Intervention Relief Effort (FIRE).
• “Gone Country” (CMT): TONIGHT a 1-hour premiere kicks off this 7-episode series that takes 7 performers from other genres of entertainment and attempts to forge them into the next big country star. John Rich from Big & Rich provides the tutelage for the likes of Bobby Brown, Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider, and former “American Idol” finalist Diana DeGarmo.
• Kid Rock – TONIGHT his “Rock & Roll Revival” tour begins in Evansville IN, and will feature special guest Rev Run of Run-DMC throughout.
• matchbox twenty – TONIGHT the band’s 33-city “Exile In America” tour kicks off in Hollywood FL. Support acts are Alanis Morissette and Mutemath.
• “Miss America” (TLC) – SATURDAY the 2008 pageant airs live from the Planet Hollywood Resort in Las Vegas. After getting dumped by CMT, the annual beauty contest now has a multi-year deal with TLC.
• “SAG Awards” (TNT/TBS) – The Screen Actors Guild has received a waiver from the Writers Guild of America allowing it to use a writer for SUNDAY’s 14th annual awards for movies & TV. Presenters include John Travolta, Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey, Russell Crowe, Steve Carell, and Tom Cruise. For the first time, the awards will also salute stunt work.
• Wilco – TONIGHT they’re on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).

• “How She Move” ( PG-13 Drama ): In this Canadian film directed by Ian Iqbal Rashid, Rutina Wesley plays an inner-city girl forced to leave a cushy private school and return to her crime-filled old neighborhood after her sister’s death. There she gets caught up in the competitive world of step dancing. A grittier version of “Stomp the Yard” shot entirely in Toronto and Hamilton ON.
• “Meet the Spartans” ( PG-13 Spoof Comedy ): A parody of “300” (from the makers of “Epic Movie”)  in which the heroic ‘Leonidas’ (Sean Maguire) leads 13 of his fellow Spartans in defending their homeland from a Persian army that includes a hunchbacked Paris Hilton among others. Numerous other flicks such as “Ghost Rider” and “Transformers” get speared along the way. Co-stars Carmen Electra, Kevin Sorbo, and Method Man.
• “Rambo” ( R-Rated Action Thriller ): 61-year-old Sylvester Stallone wrote, directed, and stars in the 4th (and hopefully final) film in the series that began in 1982. This time he attempts to rescue a group of aid workers in a remote Burmese village. The film was shot in Thailand and Myanmar (Burma) during the recent clampdown on dissenters. Sly claims he’s still getting death threats.
• “Trailer Park Boys: The Movie” ( R-Rated Comedy ) – The feature film based on the TV series set in a Nova Scotia trailer park, screened in Canada in 2006, finally gets a limited US release and then goes wider in a week. Think they’ll get ‘Ricky, Bubbles & Julian’ south of the border?
• “Untraceable” ( R-Rated Crime Thriller ): Diane Lane stars as an FBI agent racing to identify and arrest a serial killer who slowly murders his victims (sitting them in acid, baking them with high-powered lightbulbs, etc) based on the number of visitors to a website. Colin Hanks (son of Tom) co-stars. Shot in Portland OR.

NYC officials are hoping that the truth about certain fast-food items will shock New Yorkers into eating healthier. They are reviving a plan to force chain restaurants to post calorie counts for their foods right on the menu. (Would this deter YOU from inhaling a double-burger?)
– “Cosmopolitan”

A Chinese market famous for selling knock-offs of big designer labels has launched its own brand. ‘Silkstreet’ products will come with a quality guarantee and a label saying that the goods are certified by the infamous Silk Street market in Beijing (for whatever that’s worth). Seemingly oblivious to the irony, the market’s general manager has warned counterfeiters not to produce knock-offs of the brand. (“Hey scumbag, why you copy my copy?”)
– Reuters

On average, the planet is covered with little more than 3 feet of topsoil, the shallow skin of nutrient-rich matter that sustains most of our food and appears to play a critical role in supporting life on Earth. But University of Washington geologist David Montgomery now warns that we’re losing about 1% of it every year due to erosion, most of it caused by agriculture. (Somebody better stage some concerts for ‘Soil Change’ awareness!)
– “Seattle Post-Intelligencer”

Here’s a rare insight into an odd occupation: food inspectors for the exclusive “Michelin” restaurant guides are paid to eat out an average of 5 times a week. The 75 full-time inspectors also average 150 hotel stays, 800 restaurant visits, 18,640 miles on the road, and 1,100 reports filed each year. Not surprisingly, their perks include regular health check-ups and biannual cholesterol tests. (“Ohmygawd, not  Rack of Lamb with Sauce Paloise again!”)
– “The Times of London”

Nick Ede is a lifestyle consultant who recently penned “Pantology”, a man’s guide to choosing the right underwear. Men really take a lot of pride in what they wear underneath their trousers, he claims. And they don’t like to suffer. Everything has to be elastic enough, but at the same time not too tight. Men, he concludes, are very sensitive about their underpants. ([Co-host], for instance, demands they get washed at least twice a year.)
– “The Independent”

• Scientists recently discovered that in some species of fish, the males eat their babies if they suspect their ladyfish is chasing other fin.
• You can instantly sanitize your kitchen sponge or dishcloth by zapping it in your microwave. Heating it for 2 minutes will kill 99% of the millions of harmful bacteria it attracts, according to a new University of Florida study.


1971 [37] Ana Ortiz, NYC, TV actress (‘Hilda Suarez’ on “Ugly Betty” since 2006)

1974 [34] Matt Odmark, Greenville IL, Christian rock musician (Jars of Clay-“Flood”, “Crazy Times”)

1981 [27] Alicia Keys (Augello-Cook), NYC, pop/R&B singer (“No One”, “Fallin’”)/sometime movie actress (“Smokin’ Aces”, “The Nanny Diaries”)

2001 [07] Rene Charles Angelil, West Palm Beach FL, rich boy who’ll never work a day in his life/test-tube-created son of singer Celine Dion & husband-manager Rene Angelil

Movie actor Paul Newman (“The Sting”) is 83; Movie actor David Strathairn (“Good Night, and Good Luck”)  is 59; Rock guitarist Eddie Van Halen (“Jump”) is 53; TV host Ellen DeGeneres (“Ellen”) is 50; Hockey icon Wayne Gretsky is 47; TV actor Paul Johansson (“One Tree Hill”) is 44; Rock drummer Chris Hesse (Hoobastank) is 34.

TV sports analyst Cris Collinsworth (“NBC Sunday Night Football”) is 49; Pop singer Margo Timmins (Cowboy Junkies) is 47; Country singer Tracy Lawrence (“Find Out Who Your Friends Are”) is 40.

• “Fun At Work Day”, because experts say when we enjoy our work, we are more productive. See ‘Bull’s Bits’.
• “Ice Magic Festival”, the 14th annual international ice sculpture competition at the Chateau Lake Louise in Lake Louise AB, sanctioned by the National Ice Carving Association. The 2008 theme: “Snow Queen, Ice Fairies & the Enchanted Forest”.
• “International Internet-Free Day”, the 8th annual recognition of our need for contact with the ‘real world’. The idea is, for one day, to set aside time for a ‘real’ chat, write some ‘real’ mail, look things up in a ‘real’ book, etc. What would you miss most about not going online for a day?
• “Opposite Day”, a day to do everything backwards (ie: eat left-handed) as a fun way to get out of your tedious, day-in, day-out, lackluster, humdrum, milquetoast, run-of-the-mill rut.
• “Punch the Clock Day”, a day to calmly do your job stress-free, then go home and enjoy your real life. (A warm-up for next week’s ‘Punch the Boss Day’.)
• “Robbie Burns Day”, party time for Scots everywhere! It honors Scotland’s national poet who was born January 25, 1759 and whose most famous composition was “Auld Lang Syne”. A traditional ‘Burns Supper’ includes cock-a-leekie soup (fowl, leeks and herbs), haggis (minced sheep’s heart, lungs and liver mixed with oatmeal), neeps and tatties (mashed turnip and potatoes). The meal is then washed down with Scotch whisky toasts.
• “St Paul Winter Carnival”,  the 122nd edition shivers through February 3rd in St Paul MN. The annual frigid fest is known as the ‘Coolest Celebration on Earth’. Yeah, so how cold is it?
PHONER: 651.223.4700 (Saint Paul Festival & Heritage Foundation)
• “School Nurse Day”, an annual observance honoring that wonderful person who supplies painkillers when you have a headache and ‘excuse slips’ when you want to skip classes.

• “Australia Day”, the national day for our mates Down Under that commemorates the 1788 landing of Captain Arthur Phillip at Sydney to establish a penal colony (does that mean they were all men?).
• “Republic Day” in India, celebrating the date in 1950 when the country’s constitution came into force, making India a sovereign state. To mark the occasion, a grand parade and other festivities are held each year in the capital, New Delhi.

• “Family Literacy Day”, created by ABC Canada Literacy Foundation in 1999 as a national initiative to promote the importance of reading and learning together as a family.
• “Thomas Crapper Day”, in honor of the man who perfected the toilet flush mechanism, on the anniversary of his death in 1910. Thomas Crapper & Co became engineers by appointment to the ‘throne’ of England.

1949 [59] 1st “Emmy Awards” for television (“Pantomime Quiz Time” wins ‘Best TV Show’)

1994 [14] Michael Jackson settles child abuse civil suit for a reported $10 million (the first one)

1858 [150] Mendelssohn’s “Wedding March” 1st played at the wedding of Queen Victoria’s daughter (“Here comes the bride, short, fat and wide …”)

1924 [84] 1st “Winter Olympic Games” open in Chamonix, France

[Sun] NHL All-Star Game (Atlanta)
[Mon] Kazoo Day
[Mon] Clash Day
[Mon] International Make Your Point Day
[Tues] Corn Chip Day
[Wed] Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
[Thurs] “Lost” 4th season premiere (ABC)
This Week Is … Take Back Your Time Week
This Month Is … Crime Stoppers Month


• Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Put your garbage can on your desk and label it ‘inbox’.
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Put decaf in the coffee-maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

In order to ease the strain on the healthcare system, should we pay fat people to lose weight? Maybe offer tax incentives? (That very strategy is currently being discussed in Britain.)

I’ll never forget those words of wisdom my daddy passed on to me: ‘Son, cover your stump before you hump.’

Today’s Question: According to a recent study, THIS product is the best for making your baby smarter.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Building blocks.

Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.

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