Wednesday, January 23, 2008            Edition: #3695
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

Disgruntled airline attendants in Thailand are demanding the cancellation of a racy new TV soap opera called “The Air Hostess Wars“ after just 3 episodes, claiming its lusty love scenes & portrayals of onboard fistfights demeans their profession (it’s not near that much fun) . . . Electronic Arts is releasing a free online version of its best-selling “Battlefield Heroes” game, hoping to generate income from ads on the website & loading screens . . . David Cronenberg’s “Eastern Promises” & Sarah Polley’s “Away From Her” are up for ‘Best Feature Film’ at the inaugural “Canadian Indie Awards” FEBRUARY 20th, presented by the Canadian Film & Television Production Association . . . “USA Today’s” Ken Barnes suggests there may be some palms getting greased to enable recording artists to receive gold/platinum sales status (Kelly Clarkson’s “My December” reportedly got a platinum plaque despite being 250,000 copies short of the million-sold mark; and James Blunt got a gold record for “All the Lost Souls” even though it’s sold just 352,000 copies instead of hitting the half-million benchmark) . . . Sean Combs says he now wants to be known simply as ‘Sean John’, his 6th name change in 20 years (Puff Daddy, Puff, Puffy, P Diddy, Diddy – it all means diddly) . . . 48-year-old “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell has finally gotten around to having a will drawn up, leaving $180 million to various animal & children’s charities, and a paltry $20 million to his family & girlfriend Terri Seymour . . . And constantly bickering ex-spouses Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards are going back to court THIS WEEK, this time over his refusal to allow their 2 young daughters (aged 2 & 3) to participate in a new reality TV show that she’s lined up (for once, he seems like the responsible one!).

• Ludacris – He’s partnering up with chef Chris Yeo to launch a new restaurant called ‘Straits Atlanta’, bringing Singaporean cuisine to his Georgia hometown.
• Rolling Stones – Warner Music Group is said to be in advanced negotiations to acquire their entire back catalogue, something that could potentially cost the band’s current label, EMI, up to $6 million-a-year in lost revenue.
• Stone Temple Pilots – Scott Weiland has advised fans to be on the lookout for a reunion of his former band in the coming months. What about Velvet Revolver? It appears he missed their gig at the “Sundance Film Festival” … so who knows?
• Triumph – Canadian classic rockers Rik Emmett, Mike Levine & Gil More will reunite for the first time in 2 decades at the “Sweden Rock Festival” outside Solvesborg, Sweden in JUNE.

• “American Idol” (FOX) – The San Diego CA auditions continue.
• Common – He’s on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).
• “Project Runway” (Bravo) – The 7 remaining designers must battle denim.
• Shooter Jennings – He performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC). Teenybop superstar Miley Cyrus recently named the puppy her pop gave her for Christmas ‘Shooter’ in his honor.

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Nonebrity’ – Someone who ends up a minor celebrity despite having no obvious talent. (Renaldo Lapuz briefly became one after singing his own composition, “You Are My Brother”, to Simon Cowell on “American Idol”.)
• ‘Photonapping’ – Using photos uploaded to online photo-sharing site Flickr or elsewhere online for commercial purposes without permission. Increasingly, ad agencies are swiping them for corporate clients because they’re ‘real’ rather than posed. (For instance, a 15-year-old Dallas TX girl discovered an unflattering photo of her was photonapped for a Virgin Mobile ad in Australia to portray the dorky pen pal you should dump in favor of its text-messaging service.)
• ‘Prehab’ – A contraction of ‘preventive rehab’, intended to teach child stars how to become the next Shirley Temple rather than another Lindsay Lohan. (The Screen Actors Guild has workshops for young performers; Nickelodeon instructs all underage talent in public conduct.)
• ‘Windshield Cowboy’ – A cattle rancher who works while driving a pickup truck instead of riding a horse. (“You know Chad, for a windshield cowboy you sure walk funny.”)

Broccoli has long been considered a rich source of antioxidants, vitamins, and fiber that helps protect against cancer, now researchers at the University of Connecticut say it may also effectively fight heart disease. The scientists believe this benefit may be due to its high concentrations of substances that boost the level of a heart-protective protein called thioredoxin in the body. (The trouble is, the stuff’s tough to swallow unless it’s heavily slathered in cheese sauce.)
– ANI Science & Health

A new online poll has found that most women would rather have money than a hot body. Asked whether they’d rather have Jennifer Aniston’s bikini body or $1 million, fully 78% choose the money. Other findings: 57% of respondents consider themselves overweight; 37% say their fondest wish is to be thinner; and 30% admit feeling ‘uncomfortable & ashamed’ about their bodies. (When it comes to measuring hotness, isn’t Aniston a tad overrated?)
– “Woman’s Day“

• In Liverpool, England a 24-year-old woman has been convicted of ripping off a 37-year-old man’s favorite ‘nad … with her bare hands. Witnesses say she flew into a rage when he rejected her advances at the end of a house party. To add insult to injury, she reportedly put the unfettered testicle in her mouth, then spat it out. She has been sent to prison for 2-and-a-half years. Did you feel a bit of a twinge, guys?
• In Melbourne, Australia a pair of bungling holdup artists were sentenced YESTERDAY for an attempted restaurant robbery in which the 38-year-old male ended up shooting his 36-year-old accomplice in the butt. They then absconded with a bag full of … bread rolls. Ironically, the fouled-up felony occurred at the Cuckoo Restaurant last “April Fools Day”. And that’s no BS!
• In Broomfield CO, elementary school students who got involved in a lunchroom food-fight have each been sentenced to 15 hours of community service. That’s on top of writing essays about their wrongdoing and cleaning up the cafeteria. One student’s mother who claims the punishment is a little too harsh ought to know … she’s a principal at another school nearby.

Scientists have found that sagging skin is not itself to blame for making us look older … it’s our sagging skulls. A head-scanning study at Duke University has found that, as we age, our skulls change shape: foreheads get bigger, cheekbones become less prominent, and facial bones tilt forward. Researcher Michael David suggests that the currently popular facelift cosmetic procedure be replaced by the ‘skull-lift’, which would be a safer and easier surgery. (This would make a nifty “Grey’s Anatomy” episode … if anyone ever writes one again.)
– “Times of London”

A Japanese study of more than 30,000 people has shown that outgoing people are almost twice as likely to be overweight, while more anxious types are twice as likely to be underweight. Researchers hope the results will help provide insight into improving methods of weight control. (Perhaps sociable people drink & eat out more, while worriers worry about their diet?)
– “GQ”

A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 70% of women but only 20% of guys say they like to hold hands while out in public.
• 40% of women have asked a man out on a date. And 93% of them got a ‘yes’.
• 33% of us have dumped someone for being a bad kisser.
• 14% of people in relationships have never told their partners their ATM pin number.
• 7% of us DON’T have a credit card.
• 2% of men admit they’ve faked an accent in order to impress a woman they just met.

New stats from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons suggest that boob jobs are becoming increasingly popular … for men. Technically known as ‘pectoral implants’, the number of procedures performed has increased by 99% in a single year. While it’s usually done strictly for cosmetic purposes, occasionally men request it to correct a congenital deformity, such as a missing rib or pectoral muscle. (Or ‘man boobs’.)
– “San Francisco Chronicle“

Pregnant women who drink the equivalent of 2 or more cups of coffee a day have twice the risk of having a miscarriage as those who avoid caffeine, according to new research. Dr De-Kun Li of Kaiser Permanente Research says the most recent finding confirms some 18 other studies that have found a link between caffeine use during pregnancy and miscarriage. He advises that women who are pregnant or actively seeking to become pregnant should stop drinking coffee and/or caffeinated soft drinks for at least 3 months and hopefully throughout the pregnancy. (Stick to the ice cream and pickles.)
– “Chicago Tribune”

From fertilization to birth, a baby’s weight increases by 5 billion times. No wonder mommy feels bloated!

The FBI has often failed to pay phone bills on time, causing telecommunication firms to temporarily cut off wiretaps used for terrorism investigations, an internal audit has found. The investigation discovered that more than half of 990 telecommunications surveillance payments made by 5 field divisions were not made on time. It seems the agency has an antiquated payment system. (Shouldn’t rule #1 for Homeland Security be … pay the bills?)
– Agence France-Presse

“I don’t condone obesity, but I don’t think we all need to be a size 2. It’s a ridiculous goal.”
“27 Dresses”/”Grey’s Anatomy” star Katherine Heigl, who’s a humongous size 4.


1950 [58] Danny Federici, Flemington NJ, rock keyboardist on leave of absence from Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band to battle melanoma

1953 [55] Robin Zander, Beloit WI, classic rock singer/guitarist (Cheap Trick-“The Flame”)

1957 [51] Princess Caroline Grimaldi of Monaco, Monte Carlo, Monaco, idle rich girl

1964 [44] Mariska Hargitay, LA CA, TV actress (‘Detective Olivia Benson’ on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” since 1999)

1969 [39] Brendan Shanahan, Mimico ON, NHL winger (NY Rangers, ex-Detroit Red Wings)

• “Compliment Day”, a day to bolster someone else’s self-esteem. Go ahead, tell someone they’re not looking as fat and ugly as usual.

• “Handwriting Day”, a day set aside to recognize ‘graphology’ (handwriting analysis) and to encourage more legible handwriting.

• “Measure Your Feet Day”, a good excuse to conduct a poll to find the listener with the largest.

• “Pie Day”, celebrating the pie as an ‘art form’. Isn’t it better used as a weapon?

• “Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day”, when snowplow drivers are encouraged to take out as many mailboxes as possible. High score wins! Hey, any excuse to have fewer bills delivered.

• “Spieling Day”, honoring that great Canadian pastime – blathering. Celebrants are encouraged to give long-winded speeches about meaningless subjects to family & co-workers. Gee, thanks.

• “Weedless Wednesday”, a focal point of “National Non-Smoking Week in Canada” for 30 years. The idea is to promote a ‘one day at a time’ approach to quitting smoking by encouraging smokers to kick their butts for at least one smoke-free day.

2004 [04] Long-running NBC-TV sitcom “Friends” films its final episode in front of an invitation-only audience

2005 [03] Former “Tonight Show” host Johnny Carson dies in Malibu CA at age 79

1986 [22] The initial “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” inductees include Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry & Fats Domino

1942 [66] ‘Tupperware’ is invented (that stuff in your cupboard you can’t find the lids for)

1981 [27] 1st NHLer to score 50 goals in 50 games (Mike Bossy-NY Islanders)

2006 [02] Stephen Harper becomes Canada’s 22nd Prime Minister in General Election

1935 [73] Lowest-ever recorded Ontario temperature (-58.3 C at Iroquois Falls)

1916 [92] Browning MT sets record for 24-hour temp variation at 100 degrees (from +44 F to -56 F)

1971 [37] Lowest US temperature ever recorded (-80 F at Prospect Creek Camp, Alaska)

[Thurs] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Fri] Opposite Day
[Fri] 8th International Internet-Free Day
[Fri] Robbie Burns Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
[Fri] Punch the Clock Day
[Fri] School Nurse Day
[Fri] “How She Move”; “Meet the Spartans”; “Rambo”; “Untraceable” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Creative Frugality Week
This Month Is … Mail-Order Gardening Month


• The joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid yourself of those troublesome extremities.
• Finally, a chance to say, “Yeah, but it’s a dry cold.”
• You can chill your chardonnay on the window ledge at work.
• With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.
• Flashers stick to describing themselves.
• Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, snotcicles!

If crime doesn’t pay … does that mean this job is a crime?

Many neighborhoods ban outdoor clotheslines because they are thought to ruin an area’s aesthetic appeal. In these energy-conscious times, should that be changed? (Ontario’s Energy Minister Gerry Phillips says yes, because clothes dryers account for about 6% of the average home’s electricity consumption.)

• You’re not made of money … but your wallet can be! Here are step-by-step instructions on how to fashion a billfold out of bucks. All you need is 20 bills and an hour-or-2 to burn. Of course if that proves too frustrating, they’re pleased to sell you a ‘Preassembled Moneywallet’ for just $49.99. But if it’s made out of money … what do you put in it?
• The ‘365 Days Project’ features strange and rare MP3s for each day of 2007, a collection of novelty tunes, poorly executed home recordings, and just plain wacky stuff. Lots of material for comedy bits, production beds, etc.

Today’s Question: The older you are, the more likely you are to be a consumer of THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Coffee. National Coffee Association says just 37% of adults aged 18-to-24 drink coffee, compared with 60% for those 40-to-59, and 74% of those over 60.

The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor’s son.

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