Thursday, January 25, 2007        Edition: #3453
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!

Unlike the “Golden Globe Awards” and the “Academy Awards”, the currently-running “Sundance Film Festival” still features those infamous swag suites, loaded with over-the-top freebies for celebs, including Teri Hatcher (“Desperate Housewives”) who picked up $10,000-worth; and Winona Ryder, who sent an assistant because she didn’t want to ‘show face’ . . . Now we get the inside scoop on why New England Patriots QB Tom Brady recently dumped actress-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan (and maybe ran out of steam in the AFC Championship?) – he’s now reportedly scoring touchdowns with fashion model Gisele Bundchen . . . Meantime, Bundchen’s previous 5-year b-f, Oscar-nominated Leonard DiCaprio (“Blood Diamond”), is said to be ready to dump his present g-f, Israeli model Bar Rafaeli, because apparently ‘she’s too clingy’ . . . A proposed memoir about John F Kennedy Jr has scored former girlfriend & college housemate Christina Haag a whopping $1.2-million advance, maybe because details of Kennedy’s fling with Madonna will be included . . . Jennifer Aniston is set to play a lesbian magazine editor in an upcoming episode of real-life best friend Courteney Cox’s TV drama “Dirt” (FX), and word has it the two will share an on-screen lip-lock . . . Screenwriter/director Alexander Payne (“Sideways”) is asking a court to deny his newly official ex-wife the spousal support she requested, not that she needs it – she’s “Grey’s Anatomy” star Sandra Oh (‘Dr Cristina Yang’) . . . More than 18,000 irate viewers have signed a petition asking ABC to fire “Grey’s Anatomy” actor Isaiah Washington for his homophobic comments, and network execs are said to be considering their options (it likely won’t happen soon – episodes through the FEBRUARY sweeps have already been shot) . . . Movie actress Jennifer Connelly (“Blood Diamond”) says she almost joined the Hollywood club of celebs adopting African children but didn’t because she & actor-hubby Paul Bettany (“The Da Vinci Code”) worried it would upset her biological son from a previous relationship . . . And in an attempt to breathe new life into the Brad Garrett sitcom “‘Til Death” (FOX), it’s being moved to a WEDNESDAY time slot after “American Idol” and Garrett has persuaded his former “Everybody Loves Raymond” cast-mate Ray Romano to make a future guest appearance (be merciful with this suffering series – pull the plug!).

• Britney Spears – Even wildman Kevin Federline is said to be fed up with her hard-partying, and is begging her to check into rehab for the sake of the kids, who insiders say are being ‘raised by strangers’.
• Gwen Stefani – TONIGHT she’s a guest on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• John Mellencamp – TONIGHT he flogs his new album “Freedom’s Road” on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• LeAnn Rimes – TONIGHT she hosts the 25th “Colgate Country Showdown National Final” in Nashville TN where 5 finalists compete for a grand prize of $100,000.
• 30 Seconds to Mars – While performing for movie types & wannabes at the “Sundance Film Festival”, frontman/actor Jared Leto reportedly ‘went nuts’ and started picking fights with photographers. Word is he even went back for more after leaving the club. Sounds like he’s reverting to his role in “Fight Club”!
• Toby Keith – TONIGHT he resumes his “Hookin’ Up & Hangin’ Out” tour in Albany NY.

A selection of movies in the making …
• “Destino” – 6 decades after the project started this unfinished short film by Walt Disney and artist Salvador Dali will finally be screened THIS SUMMER. The 6-minute animation shows a woman dancing through surreal scenery inspired by Dali. The film has been reconstructed from more than a hundred story-boards, drawings and paintings that were created in 1945-46.
• “The Eye” – Jessica Alba will star in a Hollywood remake of the 2002 Hong Kong film, “Gin Gwai”, about a woman who receives an eye transplant which allows her to see into the supernatural world. The new horror thriller will be produced by Tom Cruise’s company but it’s unclear as yet if he’ll appear in the film. It’s due for a 2008 release.
• “Imperial Life in the Emerald City” – Oscar-nominated director Paul Greengrass (“United 93”) is looking to direct a movie based on the book by “Washington Post” Baghdad bureau chief Rajiv Chandrasekaran. It focuses on the Coalition Provisional Authority which governed Iraq in the months after the removal of Saddam Hussein. Greengrass is an outspoken opponent of the Iraq war, calling it ‘the most calamitous decision of our generation’.
• “Indiana Jones 4” – Sean Connery confirms he’s been approached by producer George Lucas to come out of retirement and once again play the role of ‘Indy’s’ father in another sequel. He says he’s seriously considering it. Interesting that Connery is now 76; and his would-be onscreen ‘son’, Harrison Ford, is just 12 years younger at 64.
• “Iron Man” – Robert Downey Jr will play the lead role of ‘Tony Stark’, a billionaire industrialist who builds a high-tech, nearly impenetrable suit of armor that gives him superhuman powers. Gwyneth Paltrow will co-star as his personal assistant and love interest, ‘Virginia “Pepper” Potts’. The comic book-based story from Marvel Entertainment is due in 2008.

Parisian chefs and butchers are reviving horse meat as a trendy and healthy alternative to pork, beef and lamb. France’s Centre d’Information des Viandes meat info service has reported an increase in sales by specialist horse butchers. One chef in the Marais district of Paris says he produces all kinds of dishes with the meat because it is much better steak than beef. A French doctor who specializes in nutrition claims horse meat is relatively low in fat and high in iron. The food horses eat is extremely natural, he adds, so their meat is easier for our bodies to assimilate. (“Dinner’s ready, kids … who wants a hoof?”)

In a mass online science experiment, professor Trevor Cox of the UK’s Salford University Acoustic Research Center has asked more than a million respondents to rate the sounds they dislike most. And the winners (losers?) are …
3. A Baby Crying.
2. Microphone Feedback.
1. The Sound of Someone Vomiting.
Other ‘bad vibes’ on the list include violins (6), soap opera arguments (9) and phone ringtones (12). What about a dentist’s drill? Fingernails on a chalkboard? Mariah Carey singing? You can playback the tested sounds here …
– “GQ”

Interactive marketing company IconNicholson has come up with a new way to go shopping with friends or family … no matter where they are. The so-called ‘Magic Mirror’ will send a photo or video of a shopper to their MySpace page or to friends via e-mail or cellphone. The friends can then vote ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on the outfit being modeled and can add comments via text message. The mirror then displays the vote tally and messages. Christopher Enright, the company’s chief technology officer, notes the system could allow your mom to watch in Paris while you try on your wedding dress in NYC. (Soon there will be absolutely nowhere to hide!)
– “Women’s Wear Daily”

A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 69% of guys will lie if a woman asks “Do I look fat in this?”.
• 47% of us say we’ve gained weight since starting our current job.
• 40% of single guys have faked sick in order to get out of a date.
• 30% of us set 2 alarm clocks every night.
• 14% of us have put water in a ketchup bottle in order to get our money’s worth.
• 5% of pet owners have bought a casket for a favorite pet.

Purdue University professor Glenn Sparks, a self-proclaimed mass media effects expert, says chronic television watching can be harmful to the development of relationships. While some forms of technology, such as cellphones or e-mail, can help relationships survive long distances or busy schedules, Sparks says TV viewing causes a reduced amount of talking, listening and eye contact. To counteract the effect, Sparks suggests that friends and couples make plans to do other activities besides watching TV, such as taking a walk, planning a vacation or playing a game. (The research was published in this month’s edition of “The Academic Journal of the Incredibly Obvious”.)

Highlights of a newly-released Nationwide Mutual Insurance poll on driving habits …
• 83% of drivers consider themselves to be ‘safe drivers’.
• 80% of traffic accidents involve distracted drivers.
• 73% of drivers admit to talking on a cellphone while driving.
• 38% admit to driving a substantial distance without having any recollection of doing so.
• 31% of drivers say they would like to have a refrigerator in their vehicle.
• 29% say they would like Internet access in their vehicle.
• Just 16% of drivers claim they drive ‘at or below the speed limit’.
– “Automotive Body Repair News”

An international team of scientists led by James Friend of Australia’s Monash University is developing what it says will be the world’s first ‘microrobot’ – as wide as 2 human hairs – that will be able to ‘swim’ through human arteries and the digestive system. The device would be used to transmit images and deliver microscopic payloads to parts of the body outside the reach of other technologies. The tiny robot, small enough to pass through the heart, will be inserted using a syringe. Guided by remote control, it will perform a series of tasks, then return to the point of entry where it can be extracted, again by syringe. It could be in operation as soon as 2009. (They’ve been making movies about this idea ever since 1966’s “Fantastic Voyage”.)
– “Wired”

Oddsmakers say actress Helen Mirren’s portrayal of “The Queen” has made her the hottest Oscar favorite … ever. The odds of her winning the ‘Best Actress’ statue on FEBRUARY 25th have been set at 12-1 in favor.
– World Entertainment News Network


1974 [33] Matt Odmark, Greenville IL, Christian rock musician (Jars of Clay-“Flood”, “Crazy Times”)

1981 [26] Alicia Keys (Augello-Cook), NYC, pop/R&B singer (w/Usher-“My Boo”, “Fallin’”) with 9 “Grammy Awards”, 11 “Billboard Music Awards” & 3 “American Music Awards”/movie actress (co-stars in the Ben Affleck crime comedy “Smokin’ Aces”, opening FRIDAY)

2001 [06] Rene Charles Angelil, West Palm Beach FL, rich boy who’ll never work a day in his life/test-tube-created son of singer Celine Dion & husband-manager Rene Angelil

• “International Internet-Free Day”, the 7th annual recognition of our need for contact with the ‘real world’. The idea is, for one day, to set aside time for a ‘real’ chat, write some ‘real’ mail, look things up in a ‘real’ book, etc. Who would have thought this would be a problem 15 years ago? What would you miss most about not going online for a day?

• “Kazoo Day”, celebrated on the last Thursday of January to honor one of the simplest (and most annoying) of all musical instruments. On December 31, 2006 a new “Guinness World Record” for ‘Largest Kazoo Ensemble’ was set, with 2,679 participants in Rochester NY.

• “Opposite Day”, a day to do everything backwards (ie: eat left-handed) as a fun way to get out of your tedious, day-in, day-out, lackluster, humdrum, milquetoast, run-of-the-mill rut.

• “Robbie Burns Day”, party time for Scots everywhere! It honors Scotland’s national poet who was born January 25, 1759 and whose most famous composition was “Auld Lang Syne”. A traditional ‘Burns Supper’ includes cock-a-leekie soup (fowl, leeks and herbs), haggis (minced sheep’s heart, lungs and liver mixed with oatmeal), neeps and tatties (mashed turnip and potatoes). The meal is then washed down with Scotch whisky toasts.

• “School Nurse Day”, an annual observance honoring that wonderful person who supplies painkillers when you have a headache and ‘excuse slips’ when you want to skip classes.

• “Women’s Healthy Weight Day”, a highlight of “Healthy Weight Week”, designed to fight the portrayal of women in the media as extremely thin, submissive, and self-absorbed in how they look.

1949 [58] 1st “Emmy Awards” for television (“Pantomime Quiz Time” wins ‘Best TV Show’)

1994 [13] Michael Jackson settles child abuse civil suit for a reported $10 million (the first one)

1858 [149] Mendelssohn’s “Wedding March” 1st played at the wedding of Queen Victoria’s daughter (“Here comes the bride, short, fat and wide …”)

1924 [83] 1st “Winter Olympic Games” open in Chamonix, France

[Fri] Australia Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
[Fri] Punch the Clock Day
[Sat] Family Literacy Day
[Sun] 4th Canadian Songwriters Hall Of Fame Induction
[Tues] Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
[Tues] Microsoft Windows Vista goes on sale
This Week Is … Take Back Your Time Week
This Month Is … Crime Stoppers Month


• Sanding the Bunion
• Thumping the Flesh Sculpture
• Churning the Lap Mucus
• Basting the Pork Loin
• Filling the Emotional Void
• Leaving a 90% Tip
• Shopping for Turtlenecks
• Defragging the Hard Drive
• Hip-Wading through the Sushi Bog
• Parking the Winnebago

Work is for people who don’t have wealthy spouses.

• “Woman Delivers Own Baby … While Skydiving!”
• “Beer Beats Prostate Cancer!”
• “Doctors Successfully Remove Banjo from Alabama Man’s Knee!”
• “Mildew Communicates with Untidy Tenant!”
• “Death Row Prisoner Chokes to Death on Last Meal!”
• “Pink Elephants Discovered in Dorm Room!”
• “Scientist Clones Husband – Then Marries the Younger Version!”
• “Zambonis Deployed to Dwindling Polar Ice Cap!”

Today’s Question: The average person eats 11.9 pounds of THIS per year.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Breakfast cereal.

When in doubt … mumble.

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