Wednesday, January 24, 2007        Edition: #3452
Sheet Happens!

TODAY “Survivor: Cook Islands” contestant JP Calderon, the cast member who was rumored to be dating fellow cast member Brad, will officially come out on TV’s “The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency” (Oxygen), just as everyone’s forgotten who he is (big deal, if you wanna have some real impact on gay rights – try a guest shot on “Grey’s Anatomy”!) . . . “Survivor” creator Mark Burnett is launching a new TV game show called “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” (FOX) in which adults will compete to answer questions from elementary school textbooks (after we find out the answer is ‘no’ the series will be over, right?) . . . More than 45 hours of “American Idol 6” (FOX/CTV) will air in some form or another, more than double the amount of time devoted to the show’s first season (yech, talk about Simon overkill!) . . . The upcoming 4th season of the mega-hit reality series “Dancing with the Stars” (ABC) will include former country singer-turned-TV actor Billy Ray Cyrus (“Hannah Montana”), former TV star Ian Ziering (“Beverly Hills 90210”); former heavyweight champ Muhammad Ali’s daughter Laila Ali; and former boy-band member Joey Fatone ( *NSYNC), but NOT Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, as rumored (debuts MARCH 19th) . . . Paris Hilton & adult film star Jenna Jameson have been asked to appear on a proposed TV reality show entitled “Virgin Territory”, which would seek to assist actual, live virgins to ‘learn the ropes’ and gain ‘experience’ (how highbrow!) . . . Actress Lindsay Lohan is taking daily leave from rehab at the Wonderland Center so she can go to work, shooting the new movie “I Know Who Killed Me” in downtown LA (she’s committed to being committed for 30 days – or at least nights) . . . UK autograph collector Alan Robinson looks set to become a millionaire when he auctions his collection of signed photos of every single Oscar-winning actor & actress since 1927 on FEBRUARY 24th (the day before the “Academy Awards”) . . . And “Pirates of the Caribbean” actress Keira Knightley has begun legal action against Britain’s “Daily Mail” newspaper for allegedly inferring that she has an eating disorder (well okay honey, but how do you explain that concave chest?).

• Alicia Keys – She’s offering $5,000-scholarships to stand-out students heading for higher education. One student each from Jacksonville FL, New Orleans LA, Atlanta GA & Harlem NY will be eligible for the awards through the ‘Frum Tha Ground Up’ charity. Uh Alicia, shouldn’t they be encouraged to spell good?
• Billy Joel – He’ll perform the anthem before THIS YEAR’s “Super Bowl”, making him the only singer to do the honors twice (he did it before in 1989).
• Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young – They’re working to develop both a documentary film and a live album from their “Freedom of Speech ’06” North American tour.
• John Mellencamp – TONIGHT he guests on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Ne-Yo – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• The Police – Reports say they’ll open the “Grammy Awards” FEBRUARY 11th in their first public performance since their induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2003. It’s intended to set up a tour of around 80 live dates to follow.
• Rosanne Cash – TONIGHT she’s on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• Snow Patrol – Drummer Jonny Quinn has been forced to pull out of the band’s upcoming European and Australian tour after breaking his arm. Nope, he wasn’t “Chasing Cars”, he was snowboarding in the Alps.
• Taylor Swift – Her self-titled debut album which features the country hit “Tim McGraw” has just been certified ‘gold’ for shipments of 500,000 copies.

A new Stanford University study of 100,000 drivers finds that your astrology sign may be far more significant than your age when it comes to predicting car accidents. The study, based on North American driving statistics as gathered by an online insurance service, ranks the likelihood of getting involved in an accident and/or receiving a traffic ticket. Some highlights …
• Drivers born under the sign of Pisces (February 19-March 20) are at the greatest risk of receiving traffic tickets.
• Those born under the sign of Libra (September 23-October 22) are at the greatest risk of getting into a traffic accident.
• Libras are also at the greatest risk overall, for both traffic tickets and traffic accidents.
• And the best drivers when it comes to staying out of trouble? Geminis and Leos.

NEXT MONTH the University of Sioux Falls in South Dakota begins offering a credit course on … dating. ‘Finding Dates Worth Keeping’ will teach students about such things as infatuation and when it’s best to break up. Course instructor Laurie Chaplin says today’s young adults want lifelong relationships and are working harder to get smarter about their mates. Sometimes, she says, it’s wiser and much more loving to break up. (And live the rest of your life as a pathetically lonely hermit … right, [co-host]?)
– “Social Studies”

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Age Fraud’ – The misrepresentation of a person’s age, particularly as a way of gaining an unfair advantage in sports by using over-age players in youth leagues. (Or maybe to get into movies cheaper: “Yeah, I said 2 seniors … what, you need ID?”)
• ‘Mancation’ – A vacation in which the participants are all male. (“Six of the guys are using the Super Bowl as an excuse for a week-long mancation in Miami. They’re all single … you know, divorced losers.”)
• ‘Opportunivore’ – Someone who eats whatever he/she can find, particularly food that has been discarded. Also known as a ‘Freegan’ or ‘Urban Forager’. (“Arnie is becoming real hoity-toity, He’s been dining at La Tour d’Argent lately … right outside the back door.”)

Terri Berenden, a pet shop owner in Zelhem, Holland, has created a beer … for dogs. The non-alcoholic brew is called ‘Kwispelbier’, from the Dutch word for ‘wagging a tail’. It’s made from beef extracts and can also be consumed by humans. (“Me & Killer are going down to the pub … back in an hour.”)

A tiny, dilapidated studio apartment in London, England that’s slightly bigger than a prison cell is on the real estate market for … $335,000. The 77-square-foot former storage room doesn’t even have heat or electricity. But then, this is London, the most expensive city ion the world for housing. (And divorces … just ask McCartney.)
– “Times of London”

The slogan of the professional “Pillow Fight League” (PFL) is ‘fight like a girl’. Since being founded in a Canadian nightclub LAST YEAR, the odd sport is threatening to become super-popular for women who enjoy behaving badly. There are now 22 registered female fighters, an official (male) referee and a list of rules that forbids punching, low blows and ‘rude, lewd or suggestive behavior’. It’s also an offence to stuff a brick in your pillow. The spectacle is now on the road but returns to Toronto to shoot a TV pilot FEBRUARY 7th. (First we give the world the “Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship” … now this!)
– ABC News

Research company Mintel says a recent increased demand for male cosmetics comes mainly from men’s desire to look younger and smell nicer, but mascara sales are predominantly the domain of a niche market driven by members of the punk and Goth movements. At many H&M stores, mascara is now being displayed next to men’s clothing. (Maybe Marilyn Manson can get an endorsement deal?)
– “The Guardian”

• In Germany, a 28-year-old convicted fraud artist has escaped from a high security prison in Darmstadt by climbing into a cardboard box in the mail room and … shipping himself to freedom. He apparently jumped from the mail van en route to the sorting depot. He’s still at large, or maybe just … lost in the mail.
• In Spain, a driver caught in a radar trap doing 154 km/hr (98 mph) near Barcelona has been allowed to keep his disability pension after proving that … he’s blind. Benefit officials were attempting to halt his disability allowance, claiming the speeding ticket proves he’s not disabled at all. But the man convinced a court that he is, in fact, unsighted and had conned his wife into telling him where to steer while he drove the car.
• In Rehovot MA, a 43-year-old former bookkeeper for a construction materials company has agreed to a guilty plea bargain for embezzling a whopping $6.9 million. She was eventually caught after going on a shopping spree that included a 104-acre ranch; 8 show horses; a house on a 5-acre lot; a fleet of motor vehicles; 6 talking trees like those in “The Wizard of Oz”; a life-size ceramic statue of gangster Al Capone; and a 20-ft-tall, smoke-emitting dragon called ‘The Slayer’ with hydraulic-powered wings. Well, nice to see she didn’t blow the loot on stupid stuff anyway.

A rabid fan of the UK’s elite Manchester United soccer team must have had mixed feelings when his wife recently gave him a $1,100 season ticket for his 40th birthday. You see, it’s already 4 months into the Premiership season and by waiting until his birthday to give him the ducket …. he’s missed 11 games. To make matters worse, she also bought her son a junior ticket. Man U fans have been wondering why the 2 seats in the normally SRO Old Trafford stadium have been vacant all this time. (She’s hoping to make up for the blunder by giving him Super Bowl tickets … in March.)
– “The Sun”

There are now about 200 ‘fish vets’ in North America who actually treat pet fish. Vets can use ultrasound on fish, give them CAT and MRI scans, implant glass eyes, and even embed cork into their backs to solve swimming problems. (Can you do CPR on a fish?)
– Columbia News Service

• “There has been no offer made whatsoever at any time to our client and therefore no settlement has been agreed.”
– A spokesman for Mishcon de Reya Solicitors, lawyers for Paul McCartney’s soon-to-be-ex-, Heather Mills.
• One day I put (my cellphone) on the counter, took out a hammer, and smashed it. I don’t e-mail, either. I still write letters to people.”
– “Sin City actor Michael Madsen, who’s apparently not a fan of technology.


1941 [66] Neil Diamond, Brooklyn NY, oldies singer (“Heartlight”, “Sweet Caroline”)

1941 [66] Aaron Neville, New Orleans LA, oldies singer (“It’s All Right”, “Tell It Like It Is)

1963 [44] Keech Rainwater, Plano TX, country musician (Lonestar-“Mountains”, I’ll Die Tryin’”)

1986 [21] Mischa Barton, London UK, TV actress (“The OC” 2003-06)

• “Beer Can Appreciation Day”, observed on the anniversary of the 1st canned beer, marketed by Kruegar Brewing of Richmond VA on this day 72 years ago in 1935. Gee, what should we do to celebrate?

• “NHL All-Star Game”, the 55th annual, being played in Dallas TX. For the first time, the players will be clad in new, lightweight Reebok uniforms, the biggest change in NHL apparel since the early 1960s.

• “Direct Deposit Week”, which either has to do with having your pay directly deposited into your bank account, or making babies the ‘old fashioned way’.

• “Peanut Butter Day”, unless someone in the house is at risk of anaphylactic shock from an allergy. Originally called ‘nutmeal’, peanut butter has only been around for about 115 years but it’s a staple in 85% of homes and we eat about 3 lbs per person per year. If you have arachibutyrophobia? You’re afraid of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth!

1908 [99] 1st ‘Boy Scout’ troop organized by Sir Robert Baden-Powell in London UK, originally for youths to play ‘war-games’

1999 [08] Golfer David Duval matches best round in PGA history – a 59 – to win the “Bob Hope Desert Classic” (the other ‘59ers’ are Chip Beck & Al Geiberger)

[Thurs] Opposite Day
[Thurs] 7th International Internet-Free Day
[Thurs] Robbie Burns Day
[Thurs] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Thurs] School Nurse Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
[Sun] 4th Canadian Songwriters Hall Of Fame Induction
This Week Is … Nurse Anesthetists Week (try saying that 3 times)
This Month Is … Mail Order Gardening Month


We need a mid-winter day off! This time of year there’s a dearth of official holidays, but we’re betting these suggestions will never make it …
• Abusive Cousins Day
• Pork Gristle Appreciation Day
• Trendy Adopted Third World Baby Day
• World ‘Accept My God Or You Die’ Day
• Passive-Aggressive Custodian Day
• That Fat Girl’s Hot Friend Day
• Overpaid Athletes’ Day
• Monstrous Dimpled Thighs Day
• Shoplifter Pride Day
• The Taxman Cometh Day

Which famous John …
• Was born October 9, 1940 in the Oxford Street Maternity Hospital? (John Lennon)
• Is the biggest city in New Brunswick. (Saint John)
• Will celebrate his 60th birthday with a concert at Madison Square Garden? (Elton John)
• Is said to be Jessica Simpson’s latest boyfriend? (John Mayer)
• Is the 4-term current Prime Minister of Australia? (John Howard)
• Will star in the movie version of the Broadway musical “Sweeney Todd”? (Johnny Depp)
• Kept his high-profile job until he died in 2005, although new information reveals he was considering retirement? (Pope John Paul II)
• Has won 4 consecutive Emmy Awards for his TV comedy show. (Jon Stewart)
• Was Canada’s first PM? (Sir John A Macdonald)
• Has written a string of best-selling novels about lawyers? (John Grisham)
• Had a #1 hit record called “Hurt So Good”? (John Mellencamp)
• Was the 35th President of the United States? (John F Kennedy)
• Is looking to make a 2nd run at the US Presidency in 2008? (3 possible answers: John Edwards, John Kerry, John McCain)

Isn’t pleading ‘no contest’ just a wimpy way of saying “I did it”?

Today’s Question: 23% of guys say they would absolutely not date a woman who had THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: ‘Man hands’.

A dog inside a kennel barks at his fleas. A dog hunting does not notice them.

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