Tuesday, January 23, 2007            Edition: #3451
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

THIS MORNING nominations for the 79th “Academy Award” are announced in LA at 5:30 am PST (to be handed out FEBRUARY 25th) . . . TODAY is the court-ordered deadline for Anna Nicole Smith to complete DNA testing of her baby girl, Dannielynn, in order to determine if the father is her former boyfriend Larry Birkhead or her lawyer Howard K Stern (or just maybe the Chicago Bears) . . . TONIGHT 45-year-old Parkinson’s-afflicted actor Michael J Fox attends US president George W Bush’s annual State of the Union address as a guest of Rhode Island congressman Jim Langevin (both are staunch supporters of stem-cell research) . . . Former “Star Trek” actor Patrick Stewart has just been named a visiting drama professor at Britain’s prestigious Oxford University (students will call him ‘Professor Picard’) . . . Victoria Beckham has picked up the nickname ‘Spendy Spice’ for the way she’s been burning through her hubby’s cash in Southern California, and they haven’t even moved there yet (with her talent, $250 million might not last long!) . . . CNN has extended “360” anchor Anderson Cooper’s contract, doubling his estimated income to a whopping $4 million a year (thanks to his ability to tear up on cue) . . . Desperate-and-dateless Courtney Love admits she was a bit shocked when she decided to look for potential dating partners online but ended up failing the website’s personality test . . . “Lord of the Rings” actor Christopher Lee (‘Saruman’) has launched a music career, releasing a CD that includes a heavy metal track (he claims he’s the oldest-ever rocker to record an album – he’s 84!) . . . And sometime actress-turned-PETA activist Pamela Anderson has written a furious letter to the US Postmaster-General slamming KFC’s campaign to have founder Colonel Harland Sanders commemorated on a future postage stamp (would it be flavored?).

• The Beatles – Fans of Ringo Starr have launched a campaign for him to receive a knighthood as Paul McCartney did in 1997. An e-petition containing 1,500 names has been sent to the British Prime Minister, who recommends recipients. Sir Ringo?
• Cheap Trick – TONIGHT they guest on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC). See BS Celebirthdays.
• James Blunt – TONIGHT he’s on “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC).
• James Brown – His lawyer confirms no decision has yet been made on his final resting place. The body has finally been removed from his Beech Island SC home but there’s no details on where it is now. How ‘bout a national tour?
• Kanye West – The first single off his upcoming new album will likely be “Homecoming”, a collaboration with Coldplay singer Chris Martin.
• Madonna – Her director-husband Guy Ritchie will direct & executive produce the TV crime drama pilot “Suspects” for ABC. He’s really only had one hit, the movie “Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels” back in 1998.
• +44 – Former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker is being at least temporarily replaced on the band’s current European tour because his fractured arm has failed to heal.
• Rolling Stones – Pollstar says their 2 SRO concerts in Regina last OCTOBER brought in a tad over $12 million, making them the top-grossing Canadian concerts of all-time and ranking the venue among the top 10 North American concerts produced in 2006.
• Switchfoot – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).

• “The Guardian” ( Action Adventure ): Kevin Costner stars as a veteran rescue swimmer who turns teacher at the Coast Guard Academy, where he mentors a brash young recruit played by Ashton Kutcher. Melissa Sagemiller & Sela Ward co-star as the love interests.
• “Jesus Camp” ( Documentary ): Follows several children at the ‘Kids on Fire’ summer camp in Devil’s Lake ND that encourages ‘born-again’ children as young as 6 to become ‘dedicated soldiers in God’s army’.
• “Saw III” ( Horror Thriller ): ‘Jigsaw’ (Tobin Bell) kidnaps a female doctor to keep him alive while he watches his new apprentice (Shawnee Smith) put an unlucky citizen through a brutal new test. A sequel to “Saw” (2004) and “Saw II” (2005) that was shot entirely in Toronto.
• “SherryBaby” ( Drama ): Maggie Gyllenhaal has received acclaim for her role in this largely unseen film as a single mom with a troubled history of drug addiction and petty crime who transitions from prison to parole and tries to reconnect with her daughter.
• “This Film Is Not Yet Rated” ( Documentary ): An investigation of the MPAA film ratings system and its profound impact on American culture. The film asks whether the age-based, letter-grading system is fair. Includes interviews with filmmakers Kevin Smith, Matt Stone, Atom Egoyan & others.
• Also on DVD TODAY: “Brokeback Mountain: 2-Disc Collector’s Edition”; “Robert Mitchum: The Signature Collection”; and “The Waltons: The Complete 4th Season”.

Under-Tec’s new ‘Under-Ease’ underwear comes with a built-in multi-layer, replaceable filter made of felt, charcoal and fibreglass wool. To prevent gases escaping, the underpants are made from air-tight fabric and are completely sealed with elastic around the waistband and legs. The company touts that they can be worn anytime, anywhere – in bed, to work, at social events, in meetings, or when traveling. Inventor Buck Weimer claims it’s ‘a serious product that serves a purpose’. It’s available in a range of sizes, priced from $25-to-$30.
NET: http://www.under-tec.com/index.php
– Ananova News

Despite the ever-growing demand for phone numbers, the need for new area codes has sharply declined since 2001. The stress on area codes has apparently eased as the end of the telecommunications boom chased small startup companies from the phone market, freeing numbers those companies had hoped to provide. Consumers have also largely dumped their pagers, and new regulations have cut down on wasted phone numbers. As a result, area codes both old and new are in better shape than expected 5 years ago. (Great, so can we get rid of 10-digit dialing?)
– AP Business

Researchers at the Palo Alto Research Center in California have developed a unique kind of reusable paper on which words and images fade and finally disappear after 16-to-24 hours. A single piece of paper can be used up to 100 times, making the ‘erasable paper’ a whole new way of recycling. (Hey, why can’t I find that note from the boss outlining my raise and increased vacation time?)
– “Daily Mail”

The prospect of a Vatican soccer team is a step closer as a league of 16 teams made up of seminarians, clergy and laymen studying in Rome is scheduled to kick off NEXT MONTH. According to the Catholic sports organization Centro Sportivo Italiano, there will be no games on Sunday and players who, in the heat of the moment, utter the Lord’s name in vain, will immediately be sent off. If the Vatican League Championship proves successful, a ‘dream team’ will be selected to play in Vatican colors, perhaps lining up against top Italian teams like AC Milan and Juventus. (Will this team have hoodlums … in habits?)
– PA News

A British psychologist claims people who own dogs are healthier than either non-dog owners or cat owners. Dr Deborah Wells of Queen’s University in Belfast says dog owners tend to have lower blood pressure and cholesterol, partly due to regular walking. In fact, a recent study suggests that, on average, dog owners suffer fewer medical problems, period.  Wells thinks it’s  possible that dogs can directly promote our well-being by buffering us from stress, one of the major risk factors associated with ill-health. (You want stress? Try paper-training a puppy, lady!)

• In Bosnia, a hospital patient in Kasindol had his operation to remove a kidney stone delayed while he … repaired the faulty medical equipment. The 56-year-old auto mechanic asked to borrow a set of tools and then stripped down and repaired the shockwave lithotripsy machine. He was successful after 7 hours of agonizing labor and the painful kidney stone was dissolved.
• In Tallahassee FL, when a hunter’s wife opened the door to her fridge the duck her hubby shot 2 days earlier … lifted its head up and looked at her! For being such a game duck, the lame duck has been given a reprieve and taken to Goose Creek Wildlife Sanctuary where it’s being treated for wounds to its wing and leg.
• In England, a drunk man who fell asleep and got locked inside St Faith’s Church in the town of Havant managed to get rescued by ringing out the morse code for SOS … on the church bell.
When a local resident realized something was wrong, he alerted the cops and the man was finally freed. After all that banging on the bell, we’re guessing it was some hangover.
• In Romania, residents of the village of Baleni-Sirbi say the most sought-after wives are … women with mustaches. Why? Villagers consider mustaches a sign of fidelity and fertility so whiskered girls are thought to be the most dutiful and always get married first.

A team of explorers called N2i, led by Canadian Paul Landry, has announced on its website that it has reached the geographic center of Antarctica. The team traveled some 1,100 miles over 7 weeks to reach Antarctica’s ‘Pole of Inaccessibility’, the first expedition to do so without mechanical assistance. It was visited in 1958 by Soviet explorers using snow vehicles and N2i was surprised to discover a bust of Vladimir Lenin still standing on the ice a half-century later.
NET: http://www.teamn2i.com/

“I’ve never been drunk. I’m not under the influence of anything.”
– “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul, telling the “New York Times” she’s just naturally wacky.


1953 [54] Robin Zander, Beloit WI, classic rock singer/guitarist (Cheap Trick-“The Flame”)

1957 [50] Princess Caroline Grimaldi of Monaco, Monte Carlo, Monaco, idle rich girl

1964 [43] Mariska Hargitay, LA CA, TV actress (‘Detective Olivia Benson’ on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” since 1999)

1969 [38] Brendan Shanahan, Mimico ON, NHL winger (NY Rangers, ex-Detroit Red Wings)

• “Compliment Day”, a day to bolster someone else’s self-esteem. Go ahead, tell someone they’re not looking as ugly as usual.

• “Handwriting Day”, a day set aside to recognize ‘graphology’ (handwriting analysis) and to encourage more legible handwriting.

• “Measure Your Feet Day”, a good excuse to conduct a poll to find the listener with the largest.

• “Pie Day”, celebrating the pie as an ‘art form’. But isn’t it better used as a weapon?

• “Rid the World of Fad Diets & Gimmicks Day”, a day to re-evaluate your approach to weight-loss and consider a lifestyle that includes both healthy eating and regular exercise. TODAY the Healthy Weight Network announces its 18th annual “Slim Chance Awards”, presented to the most dubious weight-loss plans of the past year.
NET: http://www.healthyweightnetwork.com/hww.htm

• “Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day”, when snowplow drivers are encouraged to take out as many mailboxes as possible. High score wins! Hey, any excuse to have fewer bills delivered.

• “Spieling Day”, honoring that great Canadian pastime – blathering. Celebrants are encouraged to give long-winded speeches about meaningless subjects to family and co-workers.

2004 [03] Long-running NBC-TV sitcom “Friends” films its final episode in front of an invitation-only audience

2005 [02] Former “Tonight Show” host Johnny Carson dies in Malibu CA at age 79

1986 [21] The initial “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” inductees include Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry & Fats Domino

1942 [65] ‘Tupperware’ is invented (that stuff in your cupboard you can’t find the lids for)

1981 [26] 1st NHLer to score 50 goals in 50 games (Mike Bossy-NY Islanders)

2006 [01] Stephen Harper becomes PM in Canadian General Election

1935 [72] Lowest-ever recorded Ontario temperature (-58.3 C at Iroquois Falls)

1916 [91] Browning MT sets record for 24-hour temp variation at 100 degrees (from +44 F to -56 F)

1971 [36] Lowest US temperature ever recorded (-80 F at Prospect Creek Camp, Alaska)

[Wed] 55th NHL All-Star Game (Dallas TX)
[Thurs] Opposite Day
[Thurs] 7th International Internet-Free Day
[Thurs] Robbie Burns Day
[Thurs] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Thurs] School Nurse Day
[Fri] Australia Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
This Week Is … Creative Frugality Week
This Month Is … Mail-Order Gardening Month


• “72 Consecutive Hours, Unedited”
• “Neighborhood Voyeur”
• “Sequestered With Regis”
• “Is Your Wife Away On Business?”
• “Mormons at Mardi Gras”
• “Happy Couples Caught on Tape”
• “Survivor: Prison Shower”
• “Who Wants to Get a Vasectomy?”
• “Fishing for Tires”
• “The Lowest Common Denominator”

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a Frenchman are approached by a reporter. “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?” Saudi: “What’s a shortage?” Russian: “What’s meat?” North Korean: “What’s an opinion?” Frenchman: “Excuse me? What’s excuse me?”

You run down the list while a crew member/phone caller/studio guest rates each item as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’ …
• TV network graphics that are always in the lower right hand corner of the screen.
• Cast iron frying pans.
• ‘All-Dressed’ potato chips.
• Electric coffee-cup warmers for the desk.
• Pet ferrets.
• ‘Volumizing’ shampoo.
• The return of straight-leg ’skinny jeans’.
• TV ads for Internet phone service that feature some guy yodelling the same tune over and over and over and …
• Steak & eggs for breakfast.
• Earmuffs … for dogs.

Today’s Question: More than half of men do THIS while watching a televised sporting event.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Talk to the TV.

Don’t get upset about growing older … some aren’t that lucky.

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