Wednesday, January 12, 2011        Edition: #4423
Can You Believe This Sheet?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Yesterday on “Today” (NBC), 66-year-old actor Michael Douglas confirmed his ‘tumor is gone’ and that, as far as throat cancer is concerned, he’s ‘got it beat’ (that’s gotta give a lot of people some hope) . . . Latest rumored candidate for judge on Simon Cowell’s upcoming US version of “X-Factor” is Will Smith, better known these days as Willow Smith’s dad (all these ‘leaks’ are no doubt part of an ongoing marketing campaign) . . . Director David Fincher is considering adapting his 1999 movie “Fight Club” into a stage musical, and confirms he’s been talking to Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails) about writing the score (this could be a bigger bomb than that “Spider-Man” mess!) . . . Speaking of which, the actor badly injured when he tumbled from the “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” stage has returned to the theater for the first time since the accident, wishing cast members good luck before wisely watching from the safety of orchestra seats (while wearing a helmet) . . . South Korean director Park Chan-wook has completed a 30-minute film called “Night Fishing”, shot entirely on an Apple iPhone 4 over a 10-day period using a crew of 80 (geez, how heavy is this phone?) . . . A rep for Owen Wilson (“Little Fockers”) has confirmed the actor & partner Jade Duell are expecting a baby, and Wilson is said to be ‘very excited and involved with the pregnancy’ (BS translation: He’s still hyperventilating) . . . “Big Bang Theory” actor Johnny Galecki (‘Leonard Hofstadter’) will be joining the upcoming season of HBO’s “Entourage” (it’s about time they let a geek into the crew) . . . 27-year-old movie actress Mila Kunis (“Black Swan”) tells February’s “Cosmopolitan” she was blind in one eye due to inflammation of the iris until a couple of months ago when doctors ‘cut it open and dropped a new lens in’ (ouch!) . . . And actor Tom Cruise’s people would like you to know that he & Katie Holmes are NOT boycotting the Oscars because of actress Anne Hathaway’s recent satirical impression on “Saturday Night Live” (no, it’s more because neither have acted in anything remotely connected to the term ‘Academy Award’ in a long, long time).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Fitz & The Tantrums (“Pickin’ Up the Pieces”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Morning Benders (“Big Echo”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Faith Hill (“Give In to Me”); Cake (“Showroom of Compassion”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – Blake Shelton (“Loaded: The Best of Blake Shelton”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Bettye Lavette (“Interpretations: The British Rock Songbook”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Garth Brooks – He’s announced another series of concerts at the Encore Theater at Wynn Las Vegas that spans sporadic weekends from March 25-26 through July 22-23. ($253 a pop!)
• Jewel – She’s announced she’s in her 2nd trimester of pregnancy. It’ll be the first child for her and her rodeo star-hubby Ty Murray. They wed in 2008 and have been trying for a baby since.
• Justin Bieber – RealSimple.com reports that he gets an average of 6,761 pieces of mail processed by the US Postal Service … each second. (Do 9-year-olds send snail mail?)
• Kenny Chesney – He’s producing a documentary on famed 1970s University of Tennessee (and later CFL) QB Condredge Holloway for ESPN as part of its ‘Year Of the Quarterback’ series.
• Lady Gaga – Even though her new single “Born This Way” doesn’t debut until February 13th, “Glee” creator Ryan Murphy has already  confirmed it will be used in a future episode.
• Rolling Stones – 67-year-old Keith Richards still likes to communicates by fax machine, much to the amusement of bandmate Ronnie Wood who no longer even has one.

LIFE BY THE NUMBERS:
A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 85% of women say they would rather ‘sprout an 11th toe’ than gain 50 lbs.
• 67% of men have a necktie in the closet that they’ve never worn.
• 47% of us admit we talk to the ATM machine.
• 36% of us say our plan for losing weight includes having more sex.
• 20% of women think that it is ‘sexy’ for a guy to shave his legs.
• 12% of office workers say the main reason they hate their job is having to sit in a chair that hurts their butt.

BS BUZZWORDS:
New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Butt Dial’ – What happens when you sit on your phone when it’s in your back pocket and the pressure causes it to call the last number that was dialed. (Solution: Either find a different pocket or get a clamshell phone.)
• ‘Precycling’ – Trying to be eco-friendly by making green choices even before engaging in an activity, ie: Using a thermos, not a plastic water bottle; silverware, not plastic utensils; cloth bags, not plastic ones, etc. (“I’m precycling the burnt meal you cooked by putting it in the composter before we sit down to the table.”)
• ‘Trypophobia’ – An unusually strong fear of, or aversion to, holes … particularly tiny holes that appear clustered together. (“OMG! Your. Ear. Is. Freaking. Me. Out!”)

HAPPIEST COUNTRIES:
According to the ‘World Database of Happiness’ compiled at Erasmus University in Rotterdam, the Netherlands, these nations top the rankings for enjoyment of life, based on scientific research. The bigger the number on a scale of 1-to-10, the happier the country …
• Canada, Guatemala, Luxembourg – 7.6
• Australia, Finland, Sweden – 7.7
• Iceland – 7.8
• Austria – 8
• Switzerland – 8.1
• Denmark – 8.2
Others include New Zealand (7.5), USA (7.4), Britain (7.1).
– Financialjesus.com

THOSE AREN’T M&Ms ON THE PANTRY SHELF:
Minnesota-based wildlife experts agree that 2011 has thus far been the ‘Year Of the Mouse’. How so? A string of relatively mild Winters in North America has allowed populations of wild mice to increase. Then this year’s early snows provided cover from predators and drove many of the critters to seek shelter inside homes. Experts say the best course of action is to seal up cracks and holes, put pet chow and other food away at night, and unplug appliances so the wires can’t be used for climbing. (Old-fashioned snap-shut mousetraps are hard to set and pretty much guarantee a bruised finger or two. Who has a better method?)
– StarTribune.com

SIGNS HE THINKS YOU’RE THE ONE:
Forget asking your guy how he feels about your future together – that’ll just freak him out! Instead, learn to read signals that indicate he thinks you’re wifely material, such as …
• He’s suddenly very responsible about finances.
• He wants to spend holidays and vacations with you .. wherever that takes him.
• He drops the phrase ‘our kids’ in a hypothetical way.
• He invites you to his best friend’s wedding … without being pushed.
• He’s cried in front of you.
– “Cosmopolitan”

BS ANIMAL TALES:
• Reconvilier, Switzerland – This village is deadly serious about collecting an annual pet tax … literally. Officials have announced a plan to execute dogs if owners don’t pay the $50 levy. It seems a less than humane method of coping with a population of 280 dogs among 2,200 humans.
– AP
• Swansea, Wales – A 44-year-old mother of 4 paid £700 ($1,090) for what she was told was a designer ‘micro pig’, supposedly a perfect pet that’s easy to house-train and doesn’t shed. Boy, was she surprised when ‘Nessa’ grew into a full-size 252-lb (114-kg) porker. She’s now appealing for someone to give the sow a new home.
– “South Wales Evening Post”
• Olympia, Washington – Owners of bored border collies, bred to maneuver farm animals, are paying to keep their lackadaisical pooches occupied. A local ranch is now charging $15 per day for a dog to herd a 200-head flock of sheep for fun and practice.
– NYPost.com

NEW BS GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• A startup company called Memjet promises a significant twist on inkjet printing. The technology allows a desktop printer to spit out 1 page per second in color, at low cost. Instead of having a print head that moves back and forth across the page, its head is stationary and spans the whole page. The printer should be on the market this year, priced at around $600. (Other company’s sell you their printer really cheap, so they can fleece you on ink cartridges … which often cost more to replace than the printer did originally. )
– Yahoo! News
• Dutch designer Nathalie Stampfli has invented a soap dispenser that takes a solid bar and grates shavings into your hand. It’s like a gourmet Parmesan cheese grater, but with soap! Block soap is more concentrated than liquid and therefore has some ecological benefits: Less water is used in production; it can be packaged in paper instead of plastic; and solid blocks can be transported more cheaply and efficiently. (But how can you get it to squirt up your sleeve like liquid soap?)
– Neatorama.com

STRANGEST STORES:
Real but really weird shopping experiences around-the-world …
• Gypsy Brides Market (Mogila, Bulgaria) – Thousands of teenage Roma girls are paraded around by their parents at an open-air bridal market.
• Lomé Voodoo Market (Lomé, Togo, West Africa)  – Elephant feet, leopard heads, chimpanzee hands, horse hearts, and any other animal part you may or may not want to imagine.
• Rope (Tokyo, Japan) – A fetish specialty store that sells school girl uniforms, school girl socks and shirts, and other things that used to belong to school girls. Creepy!
• Strippers World (Perth, Western Australia) – Ludicrously high heels, the odd bit of dominatrix gear, and the sort of skirt that your father would refer to as a belt.
• Witch’s Market (La Paz, Bolivia) – Llama fetuses for prosperity, toad talismans, owl feathers, stone amulets, etc. Wonder if they have eye of newt?
– Oddee.com

FOR THE RECORD:
Animals may be dying en masse in some places of late, but in Wales one is living longer than ever. A cat named ‘Lucy’ has become the oldest feline ever recorded … 39-years-old. She was born in 1972 and, although deaf, is still otherwise active, hunting mice in the garden of her owners. As yet, however, there’s no Guinness World Records entry for oldest cat.
– “Daily Mail”

BS BY THE NUMBERS:
• Some 84 million people play the game ‘Cityville’ on Facebook. That’s more than ‘Farmville’ both in total users and in its ability to make money for the Facebook gaming empire Zynga.
– Gawker.com
• 1.8 billion women across the world are now in their child-bearing years. (And [co-host] still can’t get a date.)
– “National Geographic”

BS CHRONOMETER 01.12.11

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951 [60] Rush Limbaugh, Cape Girardeau MO, syndicated right-wing radio host/sometime prescription drug abuser

1954 [57] Howard Stern (‘King of All Media’), Queens NY, radio ‘shock jock’ who promised to personally make ‘pay radio’ viable (Sirius Satellite Radio)

1964 [47] Jeff Bezos, Albuquerque NM, Internet billionaire (Amazon.com founder & CEO)

1965 [46] Rob Zombie (Cummings), Haverhill MA, metal rocker (“Hellbilly Deluxe 2”, “Educated Horses”)/horror movie director (“Halloween” films, “The Devil’s Rejects”)

1968 [43] Heather Mills, Aldershot UK, $50-million ex-wife of Paul McCartney

1970 [41] Zack de la Rocha. Long Beach CA, rock singer (Rage Against the Machine-“Killing In the Name”, “Guerrilla Radio”)

1974 [37] Melanie Chisholm (‘Sporty Spice’), Whiston UK, former pop singer (Spice Girls-“Wannabe”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Pharmacists Day”, honoring drug dealers everywhere.
BS SIGNS YOUR PHARMACIST IS WACKY:
• Counts out pills, “One for you, two for me …”
• Claims he can’t read the doc’s writing so he’ll have to take a guess.
• Writes on the pill bottle, “Take a bunch a couple times a day.”
• Makes people with high blood pressure wait in line longer.
• Every day at 5 he yells, “Happy Hour!”

• “Roller Skating Day”, celebrating the pastime that previously employed 4 wheels for what we now do with 2 wheels.

• “Work Harder Day”, some maniacal boss’s idea of a holiday?

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1997 [14] Animated TV sitcom “King Of the Hill” debuts (FOX)

2004 [07] Satirical TV newsmagazine “Rick Mercer Report” debuts (CBC)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1985 [26] Bruce Springsteen’s “Born In the USA” tops album charts, knocking off Prince’s “Purple Rain” after 24 weeks

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1980 [31] “Rapper’s Delight” by Sugarhill Gang peaks at #36 on pop singles chart (considered by many the 1st-ever rap recording)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Make Your Dreams Come True Day
[Thurs] Rubber Duckie Day
[Thurs] International Skeptics Day
[Fri] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Fri] Organize Your Home Day
[Sat] Bald Eagle Appreciation Day
[Sat] 90th Miss America Pageant (ABC)
This Week Is … Graves’ Disease Awareness Week
This Month Is … Bird Feeding Month

BULL’S BITS

BS SIGNS YOU PICKED A BAD CRUISE SHIP:
• Cruise line name: ValuBoat. Destination: Florida Everglades.
• As you board, a personal injury attorney hands you his business card.
• First port of call on your ‘Surprise Adventures Tour’ is exotic Newark, New Jersey.
• 6-foot-tall obnoxious mice greet you everywhere you go … and it’s not a Disney cruise.
• Scheduled entertainment: The musical stylings of William Shatner.
• The shuffleboard puck looks suspiciously like a urinal cake.
• That strong smell of fish isn’t coming from the sea; it’s the cruise director.
• Your ‘cabin’ is a cargo container full of spare oil rig parts

BS RANDOM JOKE:
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an entire evening in front of it in just 3 minutes.

BS PHONE STARTER:
Should couples sleep in separate beds? Actress Helena Bonham Carter tells UK’s “Radio Times” that she & director-husband, Tim Burton, not only sleep in separate beds … they have adjoining houses. Why? Having their own space enhances the relationship, she claims.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A University of British Columbia study has found that just seeing THIS can prompt changes to your immune system and make you more vulnerable to illness.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Sick people.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.


Printer Friendly Version