January 13, 2009

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009        Edition: #3936
Sheeters Always Prosper!

For the planned follow-up to her 2006 self-titled debut album, Paris Hilton has apparently written a song about her jail experience (“It was the worst hell-hole I’ve ever been, the toughest 10 minutes I’ve ever seen …”) . . . Meantime, ‘Paris Hilton, The Creative Collection’ will be unveiled at the “Craft & Hobby Association Convention & Trade Show” in Anaheim CA later this month, billed as ‘a multi-faceted line of fashion crafting kits’ (‘Lesson 1: 300 Uses for Boob Tape’) . . . Pseudo-actress Tori Spelling has reportedly signed on to reprise her role as ‘Donna Martin’ in the new incarnation of “90210” (CW) and this time it’s apparently actually going to happen (how desperate is this fast-fading show?) . . . It’s been confirmed “Mad Men” (AMC) will, in fact, be returning for a 3rd season, even though creator & executive producer Matthew Weiner is still in negotiations (after another “Golden Globe” win, they’ll bust the bank to keep him) . . . “High School Musical” star Vanessa Hudgens has auditioned for  the role of ‘Leah Clearwater’ in the much anticipated “Twilight” movie sequel, “New Moon” (is there dancing in this one or what?) . . . The 16-member cast of “Celebrity Apprentice 2“ (debuting March 1st on NBC-TV) will include men’s & women’s teams made up of country singer Clint Black, comic Tom Green, motorcycle builder Jesse James, pop singer Brian McKnight, and pain-in-the-crass mother-daughter duo Joan & Melissa Rivers (and those are the better-known ‘celebrities’) . . . And word has it Jennifer Lopez was not the first choice to open the “Golden Globe Awards” Sunday; Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie were to do the honors but bowed out after being warned the high-profile gig would lessen their odds of presenting at the Oscars in February (it would’ve taken a cold-water hose to convince Brangelina to knock off the PDA and take the stage anyway).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – It’s the 2-hour 8th-season premiere of TV’s most-watched series (followed by another 2 hours tomorrow). In an attempt to freshen the formula, a 4th judge has been added, songwriter Kara DioGuardi.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Reigning “American Idol” David Cook is a guest.
• “Notorious: Music From & Inspired by the Original Motion Picture” – The soundtrack of the Notorious BIG biopic (out Friday) is released, featuring contributions from Jadakiss, Jay-Z, and Kanye West, plus BIGGIE classics like “Juicy” and “Hypnotize”.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – John Legend performs.

• Justin Timberlake – He’s reportedly agreed to collaborate with Leona Lewis on a new version of Dolly Parton’s classic ballad “I Will Always Love You” (1974), which was also a huge hit for Whitney Houston (1992). Word is they’ll record the track within the next few months. (No, please … not a third time!)
• Rage Against the Machine – Tom Morello has a keepsake from his brief role as a terrorist in the Summer action movie “Iron Man” … the metal mask Robert Downey Jr’s character ‘Tony Stark’ wore to escape the bad guys. Morello admits he was the first to be killed off in the movie.
• Spice Girls – Geri Halliwell is hoping to open a nightclub in Dubai with her new boyfriend, entrepreneur Nick House, who owns the exclusive London clubs Mahiki and Whisky Mist. (So basically, he’ll open it … she’ll hang out.)

• “Appaloosa” ( Action Western ): Ed Harris directs & stars in this story of a lawman and his deputy who are hired to protect a lawless town suffering at the hands of a renegade rancher. The arrival of an attractive widow further complicates things. Co-stars Viggo Mortensen & Renée Zellweger.
• “Brideshead Revisited” ( Drama ): Based on Evelyn Waugh’s acclaimed novel about ‘Captain Charles Ryder’, stationed at Brideshead Castle during WW2. Stars Matthew Goode & Emma Thompson. The story was the basis of a popular 1981 mini-series starring Jeremy Irons.
• “The Family That Preys” ( Comedy ): Kathy Bates & Alfre Woodard play old friends faced with a series of secrets threatening to tear their respective families apart. So they embark on a cross-country road trip in hope of finding a way to rebuild their family connections. Another project from prolific producer Tyler Perry.
• “My Best Friend’s Girl” ( Comedy ): Dane Cook plays an uncouth womanizer hired by his best friend to take his ex-GF (Kate Hudson) out on a lousy date in order to make her realize how great her former guy is. Guess what? Doesn’t work. In fact, it has the opposite effect. Co-stars Jason Biggs and a slumming Alec Baldwin.
• “Swing Vote” ( Comedy ): Kevin Costner plays an apathetic, beer-slinging, lovable loser who, through a chain of improbable events, ends up holding the single deciding vote in a US presidential election. Costner rounded up a slew of cronies to co-star, including Kelsey Grammar, Dennis Hopper, George Lopez, racing legend Richard Petty, and Willie Nelson.
• “Vicky Cristina Barcelona“ ( Romantic Comedy ): Woody Allen’s directs Scarlett Johansson & Rebecca Hall (co-stars in “The Prestige”), who play friends on vacation in Spain who become enamored with the same painter (Javier Bardem of “No Country for Old Men“). Things get complicated when his tempestuous ex-wife (Penelope Cruz) re-enters the picture. A surprise winner for ‘Best Comedy or Musical’ at the “Golden Globes”.
• Also released today: “Ben 10 Alien Force: Season 1, Volume 2“ (Animation); “Breakfast at Tiffany’s – Paramount Centennial Collection”; “Dallas: The Complete 10th Season” (vintage TV); “Make ‘Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America” (Documentary); “Matlock: Season 2“ (vintage TV); “Reba: Season 5“ (TV); “Walker, Texas Ranger: The 6th Season” (vintage TV).

Feel a cold coming on?  To relieve symptoms, naturopathic medicine experts recommend that, in addition to vitamin C, you also take regular doses of garlic. (Also helps you to not spread germs because … no one will come near you.)
– “Natural Health“


Does a Google search actually produce CO2? Harvard University physicist Alex Wissner-Gross has done the math for his research on the environmental impact of computing that’s due out soon. A Google search has a definite environmental impact, he claims, because Google operates huge data centers around-the-world which consume a great deal of power. So here’s the bottom line: a typical search generates about 7 grams of CO2. Boiling a kettle generates about 15. (In lieu of 1 million searches you could fly a jumbo jet to Pago Pago.)
– timesonline.co.uk

A British musician who’s been hiccupping for 15 months is hoping an operation will solve his problem. 24-year-old Chris Sands from Lincoln hiccups as often as every 2 seconds … sometimes even while asleep. He’s tried a variety of cures, including hypnosis and yoga, but so far nothing’s worked. Doctors at Nottingham’s Queen’s Medical Center are preparing to insert a tube into his stomach to monitor acid levels and decide if keyhole surgery is possible. (If not, they’ll sneak up behind with a blown-up paper bag and … POP!!!)
– “Magazine Monitor”


How often in class, a boring meeting, or while waiting for a flight have you wanted to lay your head down for a few minutes but all you have to cushion your skull is a hard-edged laptop? Designer Hafsteinn Juliusson of Reykjavik, Iceland has come up with the ‘napBook’ to solve this problem in a comfortable and colorful way. It’s a laptop cover that doubles as a cushion, and it comes with its own shoulder strap for nappers on-the-go.
NET: http://hafsteinnjuliusson.com/index.php?/projects/contact/
– Neatorama.com

A mammoth lobster weighing 20 lbs will soon be returned to the sea after a stay in a NYC restaurant. Based on his size, ‘George’ is estimated to be around 140-years-old. He was caught off the coast of Newfoundland and later purchased by City Crab & Seafood for $100. After PETA sent a request to set the seafood free, restaurant manager Keith Valenti has agreed, claiming there was never any intent to harm the critter. It was only kept in the eatery’s tank to draw attention. (Besides, it would have to be served with like 7 lbs of clarified butter.)
– Reuters


Some desperate men with a dream to serve hot wings and wear short-shorts are suing the parent company of Hooters restaurants because the man-haven won’t hire them as waitresses. The group, led by one Nikolai Grushevski, has filed a class-action suit in Texas alleging they were each ‘denied a waiter’s position because of gender’. They intend to cite a 3-decade-old case against Southwest Airlines, in which the airline was finally forced to hire male flight attendants.
– TMZ.com


A few of the preposterous postings listed in the book “Lost In Translation: Misadventures in English Abroad” by Charlie Croker …
• Paris, France: “Please leave your values at the front desk.”
• Tokyo, Japan: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
• Athens, Greece: “Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.”
• Croatia: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”
• Acapulco, Mexico: “The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”
• Danish airline: “We take your bags and send them in all directions.”
– Amazon.com


Among a certain sect in India, getting a divorce is really straight forward. All a husband has to do is break a straw in front of his wife … and the marriage is officially over. (Around here, all you gotta do is break a curfew.)


1961 [48] Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, NYC, TV actress (‘Christine Campbell’ on “The New Adventures of Old Christine” since 2006, “Seinfeld” 1989-98, “Saturday Night Live” 1982-85)

1962 [47] Trace Adkins, Springhill LA, country singer (“You’re Gonna Miss This”, “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”)

1966 [43] Patrick Dempsey, Lewiston ME, TV actor (‘Dr Derek Shepherd’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” since 2005)

1970 [39] Shonda Rhimes, Chicago IL, screenwriter/TV show creator/executive producer (“Grey’s Anatomy”)

1977 [32] Orlando Bloom, Canterbury UK, movie actor (“Pirates Of the Caribbean” trilogy, “Lord Of the Rings” trilogy)

• “International Skeptics Day”. We’re not sure there’s any point in setting aside a day for this …

• “Make Your Dreams Come True Day”, presumably another observance initiated by the Society of Hopeless Optimists.

• “St Knut’s Day” or “Tjugondag Knut” (20th Day of Christmas) in Sweden & Norway, where they just can’t seem to let the holiday season go. Part of the celebration involves throwing out the Christmas tree (by now an armful of naked twigs with a star on top).

• “Stephen Foster Memorial Day” in the USA. Altogether now – “Way down upon dah Swaneeee Ribber …”


1910 [99] In what’s been called the ‘Birth of Radio Broadcasting’, electron tube inventor Lee De Forrest arranges for a handful of people at receiving locations around NYC to hear the voice of Enrico Caruso and other Metropolitan Opera stars through individual earphones

1979 [30] The YMCA files a lawsuit against disco group Village People for using its name in their mega-hit single “YMCA” (the suit is later dropped)

1863 [146] 1st ‘One-Piece Pedestal Flushing Toilet’ is developed by Britain’s Thomas Crapper & Co

1957 [52] Wham-O Co introduces the 1st ‘Frisbee’

1985 [24] Likely the ‘Oldest to Score a Golf Ace’, as 99-year-old German duffer Otto Bucher sinks a hole-in-one on a course in Spain


[Wed] Assembly Line Worker’s Day
[Wed] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Thurs] 2009 Sundance Film Festival opens
[Thurs] Fresh Squeezed Juice Day
[Thurs] Hat Day
[Thurs] World Religion Day
[Fri] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
This Week Is … Bowling Week
This Month Is … Mentoring Month


Many websites now use authentication questions to make sure only users who’ve registered get in. Common queries include: “What’s your mother’s maiden name?” and “What was your first phone number?” But we have better suggestions, such as …
• “What is the capital of Paraguay?”
• “What is your older sister’s favorite Monopoly game piece?”
• “Who did your paternal grandfather vote for in the 1956 election?”
• “Why did you choose a liberal-arts degree when your entire family urged you to go into law?”
• “If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently?”
– Thanks to Joel Gunz


What do you call a resident of the Isle of Man?
a. Mankind.
b. Mannish.
c. Manx. [CORRECT]
– “Webster’s College Dictionary”


Grease your co-workers! You can (temporarily) place a slice of bacon on any website by adding its URL to the following one. We’re thinking you sneak onto someone’s PC while they’re at lunch and …
NET: http://bacolicio.us/

In the interest of promoting more erudite language as well as general goofiness, here’s a truly weird word for you to toss around for the day …
• Expalpate … to get something through flattery. (“I’m going to attempt to expalpate a free coffee from Rhonda by mentioning how much I like her new pink hairdo.”)
– “Oxford English Dictionary“


I don’t know what your problem is … but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.


Today’s Question: Doing THIS in the middle of the day can boost your energy by 30%.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Brushing your teeth.

No one really wants advice … only corroboration.

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