January 14, 2009

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009        Edition: #3937
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!


53-year-old TV host Howie Mandel (“Deal or No Deal”) has been hospitalized in Toronto due to an irregular heartbeat, but his reps insist the condition is not serious (he’ll be back pulling mildly entertaining pranks on his new show “Howie Do It” in no time – unfortunately) . . . 45-year-old “Law & Order: SVU” actress Mariska Hargitay has suffered a partially collapsed lung, reportedly in a skiing or sledding accident (the worst-ever reaction to losing a “Golden Globe”?) . . . 20-year-old Hilary Duff is set to play a young lawyer in “Barely Legal” (FOX), based on the true story of Kathleen Holtz, who in 2007 passed the bar exam at age 18 to become California’s youngest lawyer (it’s like “Doogie Howser MD”, only with a girl) . . . 29-year-old “Ghost Whisperer” actress Jennifer Love Hewitt has won a 3-year restraining order in court against a 62-year-old she says has been stalking her after moving from Colorado to California to be closer to her (at 65 he has to retire?) . . . “Return to the Hundred Acre Wood”, the  first authorized sequel to the late AA Milne’s beloved “Winnie the Pooh” will hit bookshelves in October, 83 years after the original stories were published (the new book has the blessing of the estates of both Milne & illustrator EH Shepard which were apparently running low on millions) . . . And 20-year-old celeb spawn Rumer Willis says she loves to dig out her dad Bruce Willis’ old “Moonlighting” TV episodes because she’s never known her father with hair (try some old “General Hospital” episodes and you can see mommy Demi Moore without fake boobs and lips and thighs and forehead and …).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Auditions continue on night #2 of the 4-hour season premiere.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Seal performs.
• “Last Call with Carson Daly” (NBC) – Flobots are featured.
• “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – 52-year-old country veteran Patty Loveless is a guest.

• Amy Winehouse – She’s confirmed she & husband Blake Fielder-Civil are about to divorce. (Blake initiated the proceedings shortly after getting new contact lenses.)
• Britney Spears – [DISCRETION] Her new single “If U Seek Amy” may be banned on many stations, due to the double entendre in its lyrics. When sung, the phrase ‘If you seek Amy’ sounds an awful lot like ‘F-U-C-K me’. (Just a coincidence, we’re sure.)
• David Cook – The reigning “American Idol” champ has reportedly split from singer-girlfriend Kimberly Caldwell. A magazine report claims Caldwell, who was a contestant on the 2nd season of “Idol”, has been spotted cuddling up to a bar manager.
• Kelly Clarkson – Her 4th album, due March 17th, will be titled “All I Ever Wanted”. First single: “My Life Would Suck Without You”. (So … it’s a love song then.)
• Prince – An Italian court has ruled his 1994 hit “The Most Beautiful Girl In the World” was plagiarized from a song by 2 Italian songwriters. However, it could take several years for a definitive ruling in the case, as it’s already dragged on since the 1990s.
• Radiohead – 12 of their singles are set to be reissued on limited-edition vinyl April 21st. The vinyl covers will feature the original CD artwork, printed as a sticker on the record jackets.
• Taylor Swift – The 19-year-old country phenom is set to guest star in an upcoming episode of “CSI” (CBS), playing a teen whose family runs a seedy Las Vegas motel. (The case is solved after the CSI team analyzes DNA taken from the … teardrops on her guitar.)
• U2 – They’ll perform the new single “Get On Your Boots” live at the “Brit Awards” February 18th in London. The track is from the upcoming album, “No Line On the Horizon”, due in the Spring.


• Research carried out at Laval University in Québec has discovered that thinking too much will make you consume more calories. The study compares students at rest to students asked to perform intellectual tasks. Those forced to do some thinking consumed 24-to-29% more calories than those who just zoned out. (Think and grow skinny!)
– “Curious Times”
• Want to avoid colds this winter? A study says that people with the highest stress levels are twice as likely to catch a cold. Researchers recommend stress reducers like exercise, meditation, yoga, and music. (Remember to veg … it’s for the good of your health!)
– “Shape Magazine”
• Where does the time go? Good question. Researchers say 24 minutes a day on average are spent on grooming. Another 24 minutes are lost in the morning commute. We spend 15 minutes on hold on the phone, 43 minutes searching for misplaced items, and we average about 8.4 hours a day at work. (Despite how much you whine about it.)
– PA News
• Associates for Research Into the Science of Enjoyment say the occasional cigarette, drink or fatty food would actually be good for us except that others make us feel guilty about it. Studies show the Dutch feel the least shame about indulgences, while Australians are most burdened with guilt. (Especially those that are Catholic.)
– SourceWatch.org

A statistical breakdown of life by the numbers …
• 97% of our clothes are made overseas.
• 82% of women say uncomfortable undies can ruin their day.
• 72% of us don’t know our neighbor’s name.
• 69% of employees say they most-often deal with stress on-the-job by taking a coffee break.
• 66% of women say they would want to be virgins if they were getting married today.
• 34% of women have recently had a nightmare, compared with just 19% of men. (Women will tell you that’s because guys ARE the nightmare!)


New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Generation O’ – 18-to-35-year-olds who supported Obama in the 2008 election. (What happens when we run out of letters in the alphabet to describe various generations?)
• ‘Shovel-Ready’ – A construction project that can be started right away. (Or maybe a driveway in Winter?)
• ‘Third-Hand Smoke’ – Particles that linger on surfaces after 2nd-hand tobacco smoke has dissipated. (Just check any room at the ‘No-Tell Motel’.)


• PETA has asked school officials in Spearfish SD to change the name of ‘Spearfish High School’ to ‘Sea Kitten High School’. PETA says the request is part of a new ‘Sea Kitten’ campaign aimed at children. The advocacy group suggests that if kids were taught to refer to fish as sea kittens, reflecting that they, like cats and dogs, are ‘individuals’, fewer fish might be killed for food or sport. (Wow … have these people been smoking the fish?)
– AP
• According to the trade magazine, “American Funeral Director“, there’s an increasingly popular trend for people to be buried with their cellphones. One funeral home spokesperson says it seems that everyone under 40 who dies is now taking their phone with them. (Imagine THOSE roaming charges!)
• A record 46,000 people in Britain changed their names officially in the last year, according to just-released figures. One man changed his moniker to ‘Happy Adjustable Spanners’. Why? He lost a bet while drunk.
– “Daily Telegraph“

• The International Council of Shopping Centers estimates that 148,000 stores closed in the USA in 2008 and estimates a further 73,000 will shut down in the first half of 2009. (That’s great news … just think of all the ‘Going Out of Business’ sales!)
• Libraries lose about 1% of their books per year. (Many are now holding up one end of [co-host’s] couch.)


1919 [90] Andy Rooney, Albany NY, TV curmudgeon/commentator (“60 Minutes” since 1978)

1963 [46] Steven Soderbergh, Atlanta GA, movie director (“Oceans 11-13”, Oscar-“Traffic”)

1968 [41] LL Cool J (James Todd Smith), Bay Shore NY, rap artist (“Luv U Better”, “All I Have”)/movie actor (“Last Holiday”, “Charlie’s Angels”)

1969 [40] Dave Grohl, Warren OH, rock singer/guitarist (Foo Fighters-“The Pretender”, “Best of You”, Nirvana-“Smells Like Teen Spirit”)

1969 [40] Jason Bateman, Rye NY, movie actor (“Hancock”, Juno”)/TV actor (“Arrested Development” 2003-06, “Silver Spoons” 1982-84, “Little House On the Prairie” 1981-82)

1980 [29] Byron Leftwich, Washington DC, NFL player (back-up quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers)

1982 [27] Caleb Followill, Mount Juliet TN, rock singer/guitarist (Kings of Leon-“Revelry”, “Sex on Fire”)

• “Assembly Line Workers Day” observed on the anniversary of the 1st ‘Automobile Assembly Line’, created by Henry Ford 95 years ago (1914).

• “Dress Up Your Pet Day”, a day to assert our dominance over the dumb creatures of the animal kingdom by humiliating them in human attire … then laughing at them.

• “Makar Sankranti”, the mid-Winter festival of India and Nepal that marks the transition of the Sun beginning it’s northward journey, what’s called the ‘Uttarayan’. The event is marked by flying kites. Hey, if it means Spring is getting a bit closer … we’re all for it!

• “Orthodox New Year’s Day” in Russia and many Eastern European countries, based on the old Julian Calendar (aka ‘Orthodox Hangover Day’).

1952 [57] “Today” show debuts on NBC-TV, hosted by Dave Garroway

1990 [19] “The Simpsons” debuts as a series on FOX-TV after being a regular feature on the “Tracy Ullman Show” since 1987

2000 [09] “Late Show” host David Letterman undergoes emergency quintuple bypass surgery after a test determines one of his arteries is seriously constricted

1794 [215] Dr Jesse Bennet of Edom VA performs 1st successful ‘Cesarean section’ on his wife

1950 [58] 1st non-stop trans-Canada flight

1734 [275] ‘Coldest Temperature’ in Northern Hemisphere recorded in Siberia at -120 F (ever since, weather lore has labelled today the “Coldest Day Of the Year”)

1943 [66] ‘World’s Largest Office Building’ is completed, the Pentagon, headquarters for the US Department of Defense

1973 [36] Last ‘Perfect NFL Season’ as Miami Dolphins beat Washington Redskins 14-7 at Super Bowl VII in Los Angeles to finish with a 17-0 record (members of that Dolphin team still gather to celebrate when the last undefeated NFL team finally loses each season)

[Thurs] 2009 Sundance Film Festival opens
[Thurs] Fresh Squeezed Juice Day
[Thurs] Hat Day
[Thurs] World Religion Day
[Fri] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
[Fri] Human Relations Day
[Fri] Elementary School Teachers Day
This Week Is … International Printing Week
This Month Is … Mail Order Gardening Month


Sometimes you don’t need the entire joke, just the punchline …
• And the Irish guy says, “I was so busy eating potatoes and listening to U2, I forgot to get drunk!”
• “Forget the honeymoon, the alimony will give me a better screwing!”
• So the moral of the story is: Don’t count your lesions before you scratch.
• And the pigeon was like, “Hey man, don’t be getting’ all up in my guano!”
• So the waiter says, “Madam, that’s not a fly in your soup – it’s a tiny, tightly-woven spool of pubic hair.”
• So the farmer’s daughter goes, “Pa’s been sucked into the thresher!”
• So the precinct commander says, “Cocaine? Tastes like regular old angel dust to me!”
• When I said, “tea bag,” I meant like the hot, invigorating beverage!
• So the moral of the story is: Never get a vasectomy from an unlicensed electrician.
• “What paté? This is my stool sample.”
– Chickenhead.com

One of these is NOT a real invention, while the others were actually marketed. Find the fake …
a. ‘Musical Bra for Mozart Lovers’
b. ‘Coffin With Escape Hatch’
c. ‘Single-Leg Pantyhose for Bank Robbers’ [FAKE]
d. ‘Artificial Spray-on Dirt for 4WD Vehicles’


Burger King & Facebook have teamed up for an ad campaign that tests ‘friendship’ on the social networking site. Burger King is offering a free Whopper to any Facebook user who gives up 10 friends from his or her list. People who take up Burger King’s offer will have to deal with the fact that sacrificed friends will be informed they’ve been ditched for a burger. So far, over 50,000 Facebook users have taken Burger King up on the offer. (So how can your station use Facebook?)
NET: http://whoppersacrifice.com

• This online “Ouija Board” can answer any question (ie: Will I get a raise today?). Have several people place one hand on the mouse. When it comes to a stop, simply click the mouse button and the nearest letter will register. (An interesting way to do weather forecasts?)
NET: http://www.cyclismo.org/cgi-bin/spirit.cgi?
• In case you’re worried you won’t get a proper obituary, you can write your own in advance at a new obit website, then once the sad news of your demise comes a friend or relative can notify the site to release your obituary to newspapers along with your favorite photo. (Avoiding those embarrassing pics relatives always seem to place in papers.)
NET: http://obitnow.com


• Every citizen in the state of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year. (No wonder NFL analyst Phil Simms stinks!)
• Federal flight regulations in Canada make it illegal to enter a Canadian aircraft while it is in flight. It is also illegal to exit unless making a parachute jump. However, it is illegal to make said jump without a parachute. (You’ll not only be squished, you’ll be busted!)
• It’s illegal in Britain for trucks to drive under bridges that are too low for them to drive under. (You lose your license … after you lose your head.)
• In Singapore, you are liable for a $500-fine for leaving a public restroom without flushing the toilet. (Wouldn’t you love the job of enforcing this one?)


Today’s Question: According to new research, doing THIS during the day may boost sophisticated memory and make you more creative.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Taking a nap.


Stupidity is self-correcting.

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