Wednesday, January 23, 2013         Edition: #4910

Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

Robert Redford has made it known he’s not happy with Paris Hilton’s presence at his currently underway Sundance Film Festival, saying she’s attending the event just to party (your 76-year-old point being?) . . . This week “Homeland” actor Damian Lewis (‘Nicholas Brody’) returned to his alma mater, the Guildhall School of Music & Drama in London, to give a masterclass on TV acting (other former students include Daniel Craig, Joseph Fiennes, and Ewan McGregor) . . . After a long-running dispute over noise levels and curfew times in central London’s Hyde Park, a new deal with concert promoter Live Nation will see high-profile annual music events Hard Rock Calling and the Wireless Festival move to the city’s East End Olympic stadium (now known as Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park) . . . 26-year-old actor Robert Pattinson’s friends & family think he’s made the right choice by reportedly dumping 4-year girlfriend Kristen Stewart earlier this month as he hadn’t had enough time to ‘heal’ when he reconciled with his cheating partner last October (and just like us, he’s likely getting sick of hearing about it) . . . Media mogul Simon Cowell has his favorite kind of carrots flown in for him from Singapore, so he always has a bowl to snack on (thank goodness he’s not frittering his millions away) . . . Jennifer Lopez & Casper Smart’s newly adopted puppy is a little brown boxer they’ve named ‘Bear’ (could get confusing – it’s also their pet name for each other) . . . And 26-year-old Lindsay Lohan has reportedly rejected a $500,000-offer to appear on “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC) because she ‘doesn’t want to do reality TV’ (it requires showing up on time – prepared).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Auditions continue.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Electric Guest (“Mondo”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Gin Wigmore (“Holy Smoke”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Features (“Wilderness”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Lupe Fiasco (“Food & Liquor II: The Great American Rap Album Pt 1”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Conor Maynard (“Contrast”). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – Olly Murs (“Right Place Right Time”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Gary Allan (“Living Hard”).

• Bob Marley – In the new documentary “ Bob Marley: The Making Of a Legend”, his former lover Esther Anderson claims that “I Shot the Sheriff” was Marley’s opposition song to ‘the pill’. (Well, that certainly puts a different spin on the lyrics … or maybe it’s just the ganja talkin’.)
• Carrie Underwood – Today her latest music video, “Two Black Cadillacs”, makes its debut on syndicated TV show “Entertainment Tonight”. Immediately following “ET’s” premiere, it will be viewable on, VEVO mobile apps, and at ET Online.
• Chris Brown – He’s become the latest celebrity ‘swatting’ victim after an unidentified 9-1-1 caller falsely reported a domestic incident involving a gun. When the police arrived there was no sign of a gun … or any dispute. It’s not known if Brown was even home at the time.
• fun. – Tonight a new tour in support of their album “Some Nights” gets underway in St Paul, Minnesota, with dates announced through February 16th in Nashville, Tennessee. They’ll then spend the Spring touring Australia, Japan, and Europe.
• Justin Timberlake – His comeback single, “Suit & Tie”, has scored the most first-week plays in the 20-year history of the ‘Billboard Pop Songs’ chart. It debuts at #14, the highest-ever entry for a male artist.
• Postal Service – The electronic-based side-project of Death Cab For Cutie’s Ben Gibbard will apparently be making a comeback. Their new website launched this week simply says ‘The Postal Service – 2013’.  This year marks the 10th anniversary of their only album, “Give Up”.
• Rolling Stones – Despite rumors about them playing the 2013 Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival in California, a source close to the band tells “Rolling Stone” magazine it is definitely NOT happening.
• Sheryl Crow – According to a new report, she was in the room when her then-boyfriend Lance Armstrong asked his teammate to cover up his doping. Meantime, Crow has signed up to mentor Blake Shelton’s team of wannabes on “The Voice” (NBC) when the 4th season begins March 25th.
• Taylor Swift – She has donated 2,000 books to the Pennsylvania hospital where she was born, the Reading Hospital’s Child Health Center, as part of the institution’s early literacy program.

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 89% of us can not read Roman numerals, even though most learned to do so in school. (As a public service … it will be Super Bowl ‘47’ this year.)
• 75% of us wash our stomach first when showering. (When you’re still half asleep, that’s about as far as you can reach.)
• 67% of us who have gym memberships never use them. (That’s because the 33% who do are guys hitting on women.)
• 51% of parents of teens say they have never had a ‘birds & bees’ talk with their kids. (Too bad, mom & dad might learn something!)
• 36% of us consider pizza the perfect breakfast. (Cold pizza and hot coffee … mmm.)
• 24% of pet owners have tasted their pet’s food. (When there wasn’t any leftover pizza.)

To be sure, rodents still dominate medical research labs; rats and mice are 10 times as common as any other lab animal. But zebrafish are gaining ground. They offer 3 major advantages over rodents. First, they quickly make more zebrafish. A female spawns hundreds of embryos 3 days after fertilization; mice take 3 weeks to produce just 10 offspring. They are also inexpensive to maintain – about 6.5¢ a day for a tank of a few dozen fish, compared with 90¢ for 5 mice in a cage. Finally, because the fish are transparent, researchers can literally watch their organs grow, which makes them especially good for studying problems involving organ development. (You also see far fewer protestors with signs reading: ‘Free the Fish!’)

• We’re More Likely to Trade Up – Because Facebook makes finding new people just a few clicks away, both men and women are less likely to remain in crappy relationships.
• We’re Not as Invested in Relationships – More disposable relationships mean we’re not as committed to being committed … we tend to focus on what could be better.
• We Play the Field More – With texting, email, and smartphones, relationship-initiation requires less effort, which means the stakes are lower.
• We Date Outside the Box – Contrary to popular opinion, tech actually makes it more likely, not less, that we’ll date people who are outside our ‘type’. Dating sites give us far more options.
• We’re More Likely to Snoop – Thanks to social media and Google, we can check someone out throughly before a first date.
• We’re More Likely to Become Paranoid in Relationships – That may be a downside of today’s technology, as it gives us the ability to keep tabs on our partners online.
– Sourced from

The Pew Research Center once labeled Baby Boomers ‘The Gloomiest Generation’, but some boomers have discovered a new secret … they are getting happier as they get older. Or if not happier, at least more content. As it happens, there is a lot of that going around. Why don’t things bother ‘mature adults’ as much? Psychologists who work with older people say that as most people age, they become much more accepting of themselves; and they also become more empathetic to others. (And besides, how can you be stressed about something when you can’t remember what it is?)
– Condensed from “New York Times”

New terms leaking into our lingo …
✓ ‘Mansplain’ – To explain something patronizingly to a woman. (Lupe Fiasco mansplains some more in the video for “Bitch Bad”.)
✓ ‘Underbrag’ – A boast which consists of openly admitting to failings in a way that proves you are confident enough not to care what others think. (The underbrag is the new humblebrag.)
✓ ‘Wifestyle’ – What sort of wife you are. (Your choice of wifestyle … be like Kate Hudson or be like Kate Middleton.)

✗ Never, ever go on a Sunday afternoon. Friday nights are bad too, as are late Saturday afternoons. Everyone wants in, and there’s a line for dryers and double-washers. You’ll have to negotiate or be prepared to aggressively claim the machines you need.
✗ Children will not be supervised. They’ll run laps around the laundromat, yelling at the top of their lungs. Or they’ll ride in the laundry carts and use them as bumper cars. They also have a tendency to try to climb into dryers and you run the risk of getting chastised by a harried parent if you say something.
✗ Protect your underwear. People are watching, particularly if those people are teenage boys who have yet to see lingerie in real life.
✗ Your detergent matters. Are you bringing your detergent or buying it from the vending machine? What brand are you using? Do you have dryer sheets? Hangers? You will be judged on all these matters. And they all change the way you are treated by laundry regulars.
– Adapted from

TRADING TRIM FOR TUITION: is the self-professed #1 website for sweet young things looking to get tons of cash and gifts from a ‘Sugar Daddy’. And there’s apparently no shortage of them: “New York Post” reports that sugar babies outnumber sugar daddies in NYC by a ratio of 10:1. On the other end of the scale, San Francisco is apparently the #1 city in which to find a Sugar Daddy, with more lonely millionaires per capita than any other US city. So, is all this an example of taking advantage of assets … or just a glossed-over way of surfing for strumpets? (Just so everything’s equal, there are fun guys seeking Sugar Mommies as well.)
– Edited from

✳ The first bird domesticated by humans was the goose. (Had no luck with the pterodactyl.)
✳ Geese have been trained to tend sheep. (Honk if you lost your lamby.)
✳ Stinking Goose Foot is the canine equivalent of catnip, a weed sometimes called ‘dognip’. (It smells really awful … dogs love it.)


1953 [60] Robin Zander, Beloit WI, classic rock singer-guitarist (Cheap Trick-“The Flame”)

1964 [49] Mariska Hargitay, Santa Monica CA, TV actress (‘Detective Olivia Benson’ on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” since 1999)

1975 [38] Nick Harmer, Landstuhl, Germany, rock bassist (Death Cab For Cutie-“I Will Possess Your Heart”, “Soul Meets Body”)

• “Handwriting Day”, a day set aside to recognize ‘graphology’ (handwriting analysis) and to encourage more legible handwriting.

• “Measure Your Feet Day”, a good excuse to conduct a poll to find the listener with the largest.

• “Pie Day”, celebrating the pie as an ‘art form’. Isn’t it better used as a weapon?

• “Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day”, when snowplow drivers are encouraged to take out as many mailboxes as possible. High score wins! Hey, any excuse to have fewer bills delivered.

1983 [30] “The A-Team” debuts on NBC-TV, starring George Peppard, Dirk Benedict, and Mr T (“pity the fool”)

2005 [08] Former “Tonight Show” host Johnny Carson dies in Malibu, California at age 79

1986 [27] The initial “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” inductees include Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry, and Fats Domino

2006 [07] Stephen Harper is elected Canada’s 22nd Prime Minister

2010 [03] Protests take place in 60 Canadian cities against the prorogation of the 40th Canadian parliament (most of us have never heard the word prorogue before)

1935 [78] Lowest-ever temperature recorded in Ontario (-58.3 C at Iroquois Falls)

[Thurs] Belly Laugh Day
[Thurs] Compliment Day
[Thurs] Peanut Butter Day
[Thurs] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Fri] “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters”; “Movie 43”; “Parker” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Fun at Work Day
This Week Is … Clean Out Your Inbox Week
This Month Is … Self-Love Month


Tom Julian, style expert and author of the “Nordstrom Guide to Men’s Style” breaks down what your shoe choice says about your personality …
• Boots … Solid, sturdy, and serious.
• Flip Flops … Relaxed and casual.
• Loafers … Globally-connected and smart.
• Sneakers … Contemporary, trendy, and hip.
• Wingtips … You mean business.
– Excerpted from

☎ Name something disgusting that you actually kind of enjoy. Spitting? Sneezing? Sweaty, gooey UFC fighting?

• How come snowmen fall from the heavens unassembled?
• If you’re halfway from here to there, which is which?
• Why does a woman work 10 years to change a guy’s habits, then complain he’s not the man she married?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport a ‘terminal’?
• Why is it that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always
complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

I hear that 2 Brazilian sailors have been rescued at sea. How many is a brazilian?

• David Bowie has a new album called “The Next Day” coming in March. Which musical group did he first record with?
a. The King Bees. [CORRECT. Davie Jones & The King Bees recorded “Liza Jane” in 1964.
b. The Konrads.
c. The Klutzes.

• Where did the guitar get its name?
a. Ancient Rome.
b. Ancient Greece. [CORRECT. The word likely comes from the Greek ‘kithara’, a popular musical instrument at the time.]
c. Ancient Tennessee.
– PA News

Question: The average American has 13 of THESE; the average Canadian has twice as many.
Answer: Vacation days.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

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