Thursday, January 23, 2014            Edition: #5144

Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

★ Emma Watson is home-hunting, shopping for an apartment in NYC. It seems money is no object for the former “Harry Potter” actress, as the 23-year-old reportedly has her eye on Manhattan’s posh Upper East Side, where she’s been spotted viewing properties that are typically priced upwards of $15 million. She’s currently completing an English degree at Brown University and has reportedly turned down a string of proffered film roles in order to focus on final exams this May.
– “New York Post”
★ Opera soprano Renee Fleming has been announced to sing the “Star-Spangled Banner” at the NFL’s Super Bowl 48 at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford NJ on February 2nd. Fleming’s selection is a bit of an unusual choice, given that the anthem has been performed by mainstream pop stars every year for the past decade, going back to Beyoncé in 2004.
★ 37-year-old actress Alison Sweeney has announced she will be leaving the long-running NBC-TV daytime drama “Days Of Our Lives” after 21 years on the show. She’s played the character ‘Sami Brady‘ in more than 1,600 episodes, starting in 1993 at age 16. Her decision to leave within the next year is apparently influenced by a desire to spend more time with her family, having not had a break longer than 2 weeks during her entire career.
★ 27-year-old “Glee” actress Amber Riley & her sister Ashley have launched a plus-sized clothing website after realizing that fans were clamouring to copy Amber’s character ‘Mercedes Jones’. The online boutique called RileyLand Fashions sells one-off pieces designed to flatter curvy figures. The sibs have also set up an Instagram account to promote the dresses, tops, and shoes. Their efforts seem to be paying off. Stock is temporarily sold right out.
– Bang Showbiz
★ And Kim Kardashian & Kanye West won’t be wedding at France’s famous Palace of Versailles after all. They visited the royal chateau over the weekend during a break in Paris, sparking rumors they were planning on hiring the luxury venue for their wedding. However, palace officials insist that isn’t the case. While the former home of Louis XVI & Marie Antoinette is, in fact, available for private hire, the couple’s request has been refused due to concerns about the major disruption the nuptials could cause.
– Mail Online

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV2) – Hopefuls audition in Atlanta GA.
• “Arsenio Hall” (syndicated) – Biz Markie (“The Aquabats Radio Down!”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Sirah (“Broken Complex”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – No Age (“An Object”).
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (ABC/CTV) – A Great Big World (“Is There Anybody Out There?”)
• “Rake” (FOX) – Debut of a new drama starring Greg Kinnear as an outspoken and self-destructive criminal defense lawyer who takes on the most challenging cases.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Jennifer Holliday (“The Song Is You”).

• Carrie Underwood – She’s been announced as the new face of Revlon-owned Almay Cosmetics, meaning she’ll be appearing in global multimedia ad campaigns. The first is rolling out this week.
• Garth Brooks – He’s returning to Ireland this July with 2 shows in Dublin dubbed “The Garth Brooks Comeback Special Event”. He last played the Croke Park venue in 1997, when he sold out both shows.
• Imagine Dragons – Tonight their 2014 “Night Visions” tour kicks off in Los Angeles. The trek runs through March 15th in Denver CO, then heads to South America.
• Justin Bieber – His mom Pattie Mallette, who has strong religious beliefs, says she prays for her son every day, particularly now that he’s embroiled in wild partying, run-ins with the law, and alleged drug use. Mallette admits she also ‘self-medicated’ with drugs and alcohol as a teen.
• Nine Inch Nails – Frontman Trent Reznor & songwriting partner Atticus Ross are teaming up with director David Fincher again to score his upcoming adaptation of Gillian Flynn’s best-seller “Gone Girl”. Reznor & Ross won an Oscar for their score to Fincher’s “The Social Network”.
• *NYSNC – Lance Bass’ new single “Walking On Air” is his 1st recording since the boy-band disbanded. He says he hopes it will become one of those tracks you hear remixed many different ways in clubs.
• Spice Girls – Victoria Beckham has now quashed any possibility of another reunion of the girl band (à la London Olympics) by stating flatly, “I won’t ever do it again.” The world thanks you.

A BS selection of movies in the making (and one non-making) …
• “Hateful Eight” – Oscar-winning “Django Unchained” director Quentin Tarantino has chosen to cancel his latest movie after the script leaked. He intended to shoot the new Western next Winter, a year from now. But after he gave the script’s first draft to 6 people he thought he could trust, his rep began getting calls from agents looking to pitch their clients for roles.
• “Inconceivable” – Re-habbed actress Lindsay Lohan says she’s hoping for a ‘fresh start’ with this new film, which she is starring in and co-producing. It’s described as a psychological thriller that follows the story of a woman trying to reclaim the life she lost. Shooting is scheduled to commence in March.
• “Life-Size 2” – Disney’s 2000 TV movie has a sequel in the works. The family fantasy starring a young and innocent Lindsay Lohan was a big hit with Disney Channel viewers. Former model Tyra Banks, who played a ‘Barbie’-type doll come to life, has confirmed she will be back for the follow-up film but it is not yet clear if Lohan will also be returning to the project.
• “Salt 2” – The 2010 action thriller starred Angelina Jolie and grossed nearly $300 million worldwide. That’s likely the most compelling reason that a screenplay has been completed for a sequel. Producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura says, “It’s an exciting script and has a very daring idea.” However, he will not confirm rumors that the proposed sequel will make the original movie’s star, Angelina Jolie, the highest paid actress in Hollywood.
• “Wish I Was Here” – A decade after his debut film “Garden State”, Zach Braff has premiered his 2nd feature as a director at Sundance Film Festival. The crowd-funded new project is not a sequel, but does draw on similar themes. It centers around a 35-year-old struggling to juggle a floundering acting career with being a husband and father. It’s due for release in September.

• Britain: Make sure to tilt the soup bowl away from you not toward you.
• Canada: The far north Inuit people will fart after meals to express appreciation of the food.
• Chile: People typically don’t eat anything with their hands, not even french fries.
• China: Flipping fish while cooking it is bad luck. It’s like saying the fishing boat will capsize.
• Egypt: Finishing all food on your plate signifies to the host that you were not fed enough.
• Korea: You shouldn’t start eating until the eldest male at the table does so.
• Mexico: Never eat tacos with a fork and knife. It’s like eating a burger with silverware.
• Russia: Never mix anything with vodka, not even ice. It’s seen as sullying its purity.
• Tanzania: It’s rude to be on-time for dinner. You should ideally be 15-to-30 minutes late.
• Thailand: Don’t put a fork in your mouth. Use it to put food on the spoon and eat from that.

Spanx and similar undergarments may make you look slimmer, but doctors warn that the so-called ‘shapewear’ compresses the stomach and other internal organs. That can lead to numbness and ultimately infections. It’s also said the tight-fitting garment can make acid reflux and heartburn worse as well as causing uncomfortable bloating, stomach pains … and gas. Furthermore, sitting in shapewear for long periods may cause pain, tingling, and numbness in the legs. So, does this mean you should toss your shapewear for good? The docs advise you to find some that actually fits, then save it for special occasions only. (Note to self: Sell Spanx stock pronto.)

Can’t decide whether or not you’re ready to have children? Take this series of BS tests …
• Physical Test – Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
• Mess Test – Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there for a year.
• Toy Test – Get a box of Legos and spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream.
• Supermarket Test – Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
• Dressing Test – Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
• Feeding Test – Suspend a large plastic milk jug filled halfway with water from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
• Sleep Test – Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and filling it with 8-to-12 lbs of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
• Advice Test – Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Most of us would say fresh food is better than preserved, but maybe wrongly so. According to a University of Illinois study, canned or frozen produce is actually more vitamin-rich than the fresh stuff, at least up until its expiration date. How can that be? Foods are preserved immediately after harvest, which deactivates nutrient-robbing enzymes. Fresh food, on the other hand, sits around for up to 10 days before it reaches stores. (And for taste, don’t you prefer a delicious can of mushy peas to fresh crisp ones?)

A bottle of malt whisky has been auctioned in Hong Kong for the record-breaking sum of HK$4.9 million ($628,205), Sotheby’s auction house reports. The 6-liter Macallan ‘M’ Decanter Imperiale attracted global interest, eventually being snatched up by an anonymous Asian collector. The sale breaks the record for a single malt whisky bottle sold at auction. (If you were to order it in a bar, it works out to $4,759 per 1.5 oz shot.)

• At any given time, 45 million people in the world are drunk. (Apparently one of them being Toronto mayor Rob Ford.)
– “QI”
•  The ‘Super Bowl’ name was not officially recognized until the 4th edition and the now iconic (not to mention pain-in-the-ass) Roman numerals were only added a year later when ‘Super Bowl V’ was played. (When it gets to MCCLVIII, can we just use something simpler?)


1953 [61] Robin Zander, Beloit WI, classic rock singer-guitarist (Cheap Trick-“The Flame”)

1964 [50] Mariska Hargitay, Santa Monica CA, TV actress (‘Detective Olivia Benson’ on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” 1999-2014)

1975 [39] Nick Harmer, Landstuhl, Germany, rock bassist (Death Cab For Cutie-“I Will Possess Your Heart”, “Soul Meets Body”)

• “Handwriting Day”, a day set aside to recognize ‘graphology’ (handwriting analysis) and to encourage more legible handwriting.

• “Measure Your Feet Day”, a good excuse to conduct a poll to find the listener with the largest.

• “Pie Day”, celebrating the pie as an ‘art form’. Isn’t it better used as a weapon?

• “Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day”, when snowplow drivers are encouraged to take out as many mailboxes as possible. High score wins! Hey, any excuse to have fewer bills delivered.

• “Women’s Healthy Weight Day”, a highlight of “Healthy Weight Week”, designed to fight the media portrayal of women as extremely thin, submissive, and self-absorbed in how they look.

2004 [10] Long-running NBC-TV sitcom “Friends” films its final episode in front of an invitation-only audience

2010 [04] Britain’s Culture Ministry declares The Beatles’s Abbey Road Studios an historic site

1984 [30] At NYC’s Madison Square Garden, Hulk Hogan beats Iron Sheik to win the 1st World Wrestling Federation title (now WWE)

2006 [08] Stephen Harper is elected Canada’s 22nd Prime Minister (when will he ever go away?)

1971 [43] Lowest USA temperature ever recorded (-80 F at Prospect Creek Camp, Alaska); in 1935, lowest temperature ever recorded in Ontario, Canada (-58.3 C at Iroquois Falls)

[Fri] “I, Frankenstein” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] 2014 MusiCares Person Of the Year (Los Angeles)
[Fri] Talk Like a Grizzled Prospector Day
[Sat] 66th Directors Guild of America Awards (Los Angeles)
[Sat] Robbie Burns Day
[Sun] “Grammy Awards” (CBS)
This Week Is … Clean Out Your Inbox Week
This Month Is … Self-Love Month


This week is Skiing & Snowboarding Week, so here’s a look at …
✓ Only one piece of equipment to chase down the hill.
✓ No way to ‘snowplow’ down a bunny hill, so you won’t look like a total loser.
✓ Snowboard can’t go two ways at once.
✓ Snowboarders look cooler … at least until they’re totally immobile in a full body cast.
✓ No chance of impaling yourself on a pole.
✓ Cheaper equipment … just bust the wheels off your skateboard.

Which is the patron saint of skiers?
a. Saint Claude
b. Saint William
c. Saint Aloysius
d. St Bernard [CORRECT]
– “Land O’ Useless Facts”

☎ What unusual song would you like played at your funeral?

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Question: For the average person, it takes 5 tries to perfect one of THESE.
Answer: A selfie.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

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