Wednesday, January 25, 2012        Edition: #4676

You Really Know Your Sheet!

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has announced he’s hosting his own TV series beginning in mid-March, interviewing ‘key political players, thinkers and revolutionaries from around-the-world’, but he’s yet to reveal where and on what network(s) the series will air (surprisingly that hasn’t been leaked) . . . French Canadian model Gabriel Aubry, the father of actress Halle Berry’s daughter Nahla, is under investigation for battery and criminal child endangerment, allegedly shoving a nanny while she was holding his tot (ain’t celebrity relationships grand?) . . . As previously noted, Seal & Heidi Klum have officially confirmed their split, but some hawkeye has now spotted that Seal is still wearing his wedding ring (guess we know who broke things off then, don’t we?) . . . Word has it Klum was spotted having a super-serious chat with 31-year-old reality star Kim Kardashian before the split (now there’s who you want for a relationship counselor!) . . . Meantime, Kardashian has felt it apropos to announce on network TV that her 72-day marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries was ‘a bad business decision’ (the more she talks, the witchier she appears) . . . Despite recent claims his relationship with fiancée Mezghan Husseiny was solid, Simon Cowell has now broken off their engagement after a 2-year relationship (how many other women who’ll agree to marry him does he think are out there?) . . . Bad news for those holding out hope Johnny Depp & Vanessa Paradis are going to get back together – she’s announced she doesn’t believe in ‘soul-mates’ (it was just about the money?) . . . J-Lo’s estranged hubby Marc Anthony has just had a tattoo inked on in honor of his brand new girlfriend (solid thinking, dude!) . . . And Britney Spears’ ex, Kevin Federline, has been discharged from hospital after suffering chest pains while shooting the Australian weight-loss reality TV show “Excess Baggage” (Brit shed about 230 lbs of that when she dumped him).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Hopefuls in Aspen, Colorado perform for the judges.
• “CSI” (CBS/CTV) – The team says goodbye to ‘Catherine Willows’ (Marg Helgenberger) as she makes a life-changing decision. Helgenberger’s been a staple on the series since it began in 2000. (Time to cancel?)
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Big Freedia (“Big Freedia Hitz Vol 1”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Cold War Kids (“Mine Is Yours”); Weezer (“Death to False Metal”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Robin Thicke (“Love After War”). Rerun.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Vince Gill (“Guitar Slinger”). Rerun.
• “Touch” (FOX) – A ‘special preview’ airs after “American Idol”. This new drama stars Kiefer Sutherland (“24”) as a single father who discovers his 11-year-old mute son has unusual powers to foresee the future. The series joins the regular schedule on Monday, March 19th.

• Aretha Franklin – The 69-year-old ‘Queen of Soul’ has now called off her engagement to William Wilkerson, just 3 weeks after announcing her intention to wed her longtime friend later this year. Quote: “Will & I have decided we were moving a little too fast.” (Tough to picture.)
• Beyoncé – Actress Jessica Alba is advising her & Jay-Z to sell rights to the first photos of new baby daughter Blue Ivy in order to avoid public hysteria. (We’re sure her advice is just what the super-couple has been waiting for.)
• Blake Shelton – The country star & TV personality (“The Voice”) is on the cover of the February issue of “Redbook”, as he’s rated by the magazine as one of today’s ‘Hottest Husbands’.
• Rihanna – There’s another report suggesting she’s been hooking up with her ex-batterer Chris Brown, this time at a Hollywood nightclub.
• Rolling Stones – British Prime Minister David Cameron has recruited 68-year-old Mick Jagger to help raise Britain’s profile at the upcoming “Great British Tea Party in Davos”, an event in Switzerland designed to attract investment in the UK. (Jagger consorting with Conservatives?)
• Soundgarden – Tonight is the first of 2 headline dates added to their reunion trek in Australia. Tonight’s show in Sydney will be followed by a gig in Melbourne on February 1st.
• Spice Girls – It looks like they could, in fact,  reunite for the Olympics in London this Summer. It’s also reported that they’re hard at work on a musical to be titled “Viva Forever”. (A warning to all people with ears!)
• Whitney Houston – An inside source tells RadarOnline that her entire fortune is gone and she’s flat broke. Word has it music industry heavy hitters are supporting her and her label is fronting her cash against her next album, but no one knows when that will be released. (If ever.)


New terms leaking into our lingo …
• ‘Black-Hole Resort’ – A vacation resort that blocks all incoming and outgoing Internet signals. That means no phones, no PDAs, no pads. Some high-end destinations also tout the privilege of NOT having a TV in your room. It’s said to be a hot trend in travel. (Hey, if you spend a couple grand to fly to the Caribbean, get off the phone and LOOK at the Caribbean!)
• ‘Donorsexual’ – A term coined by a 36-year-old computer security specialist in California who admits he’s a virgin but has still fathered 14 kids. How so? Quote: “I use 100% of my sexual energy for producing sperm for childless couples to have babies, so I don’t have other activity outside of that.” (He’ll be subject of the future biography, “My Daddy Never Got Any”.)
• ‘Janopause’ – The practice of abstaining from alcohol for the month of January after an excess over the holiday season. It can also be used to describe the post-Christmas abstinence from anything remotely pleasurable. (“We’re going through Janopause … last night for dinner we had broccoli and Brussels sprouts washed down with carrot juice.”)


It’s a long-standing myth that spicy food exacerbates ulcers and other stomach ailments, but research shows hot chili peppers actually protect the stomach lining. They’re also high in nutrients such as calcium plus vitamins A and C, and there’s evidence that chilies can reduce cardiovascular disease risk, protect against cholesterol buildup, help prevent diabetes, boost metabolism, and may have ability to help prevent cancer. Best of all, hot peppers are a guilt-free way to make food more flavorful, interesting, and exciting. (To this we say, “¡Ay, caramba!”)
– “Best Health Magazine”


Despite the growth in popularity of legal digital music services, a new report finds that online piracy is still rife, with 28% of global Internet users using music pirate sites every month. The annual digital music report by the IFPI (International Federation Of the Phonographic Industry) suggests the abundance of people still accessing music illegally is jeopardizing legitimate music services. But the report also finds that, despite the continued popularity of illegal downloading, 32% of worldwide music revenue now comes from digital sales, an all-time high for the music biz. (BS translation: Sony ain’t goin’ broke anytime soon.)

When any part of your body itches, there is only one thing to do … scratch it to get relief. But now scientists have found that the ankle is the most satisfying spot on the body to scratch. It even beats hard-to-reach parts of the back, according to a research team who claim they’re the first to compare the sensation of scratching on different areas of skin. In the study, reported in the “British Journal of Dermatology”, itches were induced on varies body parts of volunteers. (We’ve always found the severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.)


We’re all for saving some money and going green by reusing stuff, but there are some things that you simply must buy new. Among them …
✗ Underwear
✗ Socks
✗ Stuffed Animals
✗ Baby Pacifiers
✗ Bathing Suits
✗ Cosmetics
✗ Mattresses
✗ Contraceptives
✗ Dentures
✗ Sex Toys
– Condensed from


The practical applications of music for human healing continue to grow. It’s now been shown that cutting-edge music therapy can help Parkinson’s patients walk. It also enables the autistic to rehearse their emotions and provides opportunities for stroke victims to regain speech and motor movement. Music is usually the last thing that Alzheimer’s sufferers recognize, and it now seems that music can play a significant role in delaying Alzheimer’s symptoms. (Seems the only thing music doesn’t help is broken hearts.)
– “Los Angeles Times”


Forget vinyl, German-born artist Bartholomaus Traubek has created a turntable that plays … the rings of a tree. His new artwork “Years” uses a converted record player to ‘play’ cross-sections of a tree, generating sound by scanning the spinning rings with a PlayStation Eye Camera. This data is transmitted through the control arm to a computer, which then generates a music track. So what does a tree sound like? Sort of like a spooky piano, with a frequent jarring notes caused by the knotty parts of a tree’s ring pattern. Have a listen here …

• Sound travels 5 times faster through water than through air.
– BBC News
• Beer brewed 75 years ago can still be drinkable.
– “Small World News”


1981 [31] Alicia Keys (Augello-Cook), NYC, pop/R&B singer (w/Jay-Z-“Empire State of Mind”, “No One”)/sometime movie actress (“The Secret Life of Bees”, “The Nanny Diaries”)

1985 [27] Michael Trevino, Montebello CA, TV actor (‘Tyler Lockwood’ on the “The Vampire Diaries” since 2009)


• “Better Business Communication Day”, encouraging all employers to interact with staff in other ways besides pink slips.

• “Macintosh Computer Day”, marking the introduction of Apple’s Macintosh computer on this date in 1984.

• “Opposite Day”, a day to do everything backwards (ie: eat wrong-handed) as a fun way to get out of your tedious, day-in, day-out, lackluster, humdrum, milquetoast, run-of-the-mill rut.

• “Robbie Burns Day”, party time for Scots everywhere! It honors Scotland’s national poet who was born January 25, 1759 and whose most famous composition was “Auld Lang Syne”. A traditional ‘Burns Supper’ includes cock-a-leekie soup (fowl, leeks, and herbs), haggis (minced sheep’s heart, lungs, and liver mixed with oatmeal), neeps and tatties (mashed turnip and potatoes). The meal is then washed down with Scotch whisky toasts.

• “A Room of One’s Own Day”, for anyone who knows or longs for the bliss of having a private place.

• “Speak Up & Succeed Day”, time to face  your fear of public speaking and speak out anyway.


2004 [08] “The Lord Of the Rings: Return Of the King” wins both musical categories (‘Best Original Score’, ‘Best Original Song’) at the “Golden Globe Awards”


1994 [18] Michael Jackson settles a child abuse civil suit for a reported $10 million (the first one)

2003 [09] Billy Joel escapes relatively unharmed when he totals his Mercedes-Benz on a Long Island NY highway


1924 [88] 1st “Winter Olympic Games” open, in Chamonix, France

2011 [01] Egyptian Revolution begins with a series of street demonstrations, acts of civil disobedience, labor strikes, and violent clashes (President Hosni Mubarak finally resigns February 11th)

1905 [107] ‘World’s Largest Diamond, a 3,106-carat (1.33-lb) rock, is discovered during a routine inspection at the Premier Mine in Pretoria, South Africa (it’s christened the ‘Cullinan’)

1978 [34] 4 women are dealt perfect Bridge hands in the same card game in Dubuque, Iowa (odds of this happening … 2 octillion-to-1)


[Thurs] Peanut Brittle Day
[Fri] “The Grey”; “Man On a Ledge”; “One For the Money” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Holocaust Memorial Day
[Fri] Preschool Fitness Day
[Fri] Vietnam Peace Day
[Fri] Fun at Work Day
This Week Is … Nurse Anesthetists Week
This Month Is … Skating Month


The 2012 Oscar nominations were announced yesterday, so here’s a look at some of the …
• ‘Best-Looking Rubber Ears’
• ‘Best Screenplay Idea Stolen from Shakespeare’
• ‘Most Flagrant Lingering Shot of a Brand-Name Product’
• ‘Most Arbitrary Snit by a Supporting Actress’
• ‘Best Straight Costume Designer’
• ‘Tastiest Petroleum-Based Butter Substitute Used in Lobby Concession Stand’
• ‘Film Most Likely To Be Rejected … Even By the Airlines’

☎What is absolutely the most irritating sound?


The last time he had any contact with female genitalia was the day he was born.


• “I’ll Be Seeing You (On Skype Until We Give Up On This Long-Distance Relationship)”
• “Someone to Watch Over Me (While I Pee in the Woods Behind This House Party)”
• “Let’s Fall in Love (On OkCupid)”
• “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore (Since I Got a Cat)”
• “I Gotta Right to Sing the Blues (And Eat This Economy-Sized Tub of Hummus)”
• “The Lady Is a Tramp (But Only Her Friends are Allowed to Call Her That)”
• “You’re My Thrill (When I See Facebook Pics of How Fat You’ve Gotten Since High School)”
• “Until the Real Thing Comes Along (I’m Not Shaving My Legs)”
• “They Can’t Take That Away From Me (Because I Deferred My Student Loans)”
• “I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm (And His Name is Jim Beam)”
– Thanks to Andi Sharavsky

Question: A majority of women surveyed say they feel ‘more empowered’ when they do THIS.
Answer: Wear black.


Even the best of friends cannot attend each other’s funeral.

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