Friday, January 25, 2013        Edition: #4912

You Really Know Your Sheet!

Much like the rest of the world, Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer Shawn Holley is done giving her another chance and is in the process of filling out paperwork to officially withdraw as legal counsel before Lilo’s next court hearing on Wednesday (even the rats are jumping ship) . . . The AMC network has just announced that “Mad Men” is coming back on April 7th (stock up on Canadian Club!) . . . We previously noted “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” star Jeremy Renner (42) is about to become a pop and now we know his previously anonymous baby mama is 22-year-old Vancouver model Sonni Pacheco, who’s now living with him – and his roommate (cosy!) . . . FOX-TV has just yanked “Ben & Kate” from its schedule, booking back-to-back episodes of “Raising Hope” starting next week (Ben and Kate, we hardly knew ye) . . . Actor Ryan Gosling tells Australia “GQ” that he relaxes by knitting, something he picked up for his role in the 2007 drama “Lars & The Real Girl” (his specialty – ‘oddly shaped scarves’) . . . “Silver Linings Playbook” star Bradley Cooper is said to be campaigning hard to play Lance Armstrong in JJ Abrams’ upcoming bio-pic (is playing someone detestable a good career move?) . . . RadarOnine is reporting that controlling mom Kris Jenner beat and kicked an 8-year-old Kim Kardashian, according to diaries of the pregnant reality star’s late father Robert Kardashian (the more you get to know them, the uglier they are) . . . And Justin Bieber’s rep is now denying broadcaster Colette Harrington’s claims that the Biebs refused her request for an autograph this week in Charlotte, North Carolina, that he cursed and mocked her while she was working out at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel gym, and that he (or one of his crew) actually spat into her water bottle (it keeps getting weirder – somebody needs to get a leash on this kid!).

• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Tonight Mo Mandel (“The M Word”); T.I. (“Trouble Man: Heavy is the Head”). Rerun.
• CMAA Awards – Saturday the 41st Australian country music awards are handed out at the Tamworth Regional Entertainment & Conference Centre as part of the annual “Tamworth Country Music Festival”. 2013 nominee listing here …
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Today Blind Pilot (“We Are the Tide”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Nicki Minaj (“Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded The Re-Up”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight The Stepkids (“The Stepkids”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Eli Young Band (“Life at Best”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight Soundgarden (“King Animal”). Rerun.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Adam Levine (Maroon 5, “The Voice”) hosts for the first time; musical guest Kendrick Lamar (“Good Kid, MAAD City”).
• “Screen Actors Guild Awards” (TBS/TNT) – Sunday the Oscar precursor “SAG Awards” are handed out live in LA. “Argo”, “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”, “Les Misérables, “Lincoln”, and “Silver Linings Playbook” are all up for the top award … ‘Best Ensemble Cast’.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight The Grascals (“Life Finds a Way”).
• “The UNCF: An Evening of Stars” (CW) – Saturday the annual benefit for the United Negro College Fund includes appearances by Chaka Khan, Charlie Wilson, Eric Benet, Faith Evans, Keyshia Cole, Melanie Fiona, and Tyrese Gibson. Airs again Sunday on BET.

• Beyoncé – She may have used a vocal track of the anthem at Monday’s Obama Inauguration 2.0, but now there’s compelling video evidence that she was at least singing along. (Lip-syncing happens all the time … do you really care?)
• Daughtry / 3 Doors Down – Tonight a new run of shows on their co-headlining tour begins in Dallas, Texas. 15 dates are slotted through February 23rd in Clearwater, Florida.
• Guns N’ Roses – In case you didn’t get to see them at the Hard Rock Hotel during their Las Vegas dates, they’ll release a 3-D film of the “Appetite For Democracy” concert in movie theaters, on DVD, and on TV at some point in 2013.
• Justin Bieber – He’s now surpassed Lady Gaga for most Twitter followers, though it’s only by a narrow margin (both have over 33.3 million). Bieber is releasing his “Believe Acoustic” album on Tuesday, which will have acoustic versions of both old and new songs.
• Keith Urban – Tonight he kicks off a world tour with the first show of a 2-night-stand in Brisbane, Australia. In all, he’s slated to do 4 shows in the country where he grew up. Keith says he’s “Really looking forward to playing to a rowdy Summer crowd.”
• Tegan & Sara – Tonight they embark on a headlining tour in Richmond, Virginia in support of their new album, “Heartthrob”, coming out Tuesday. The tour wraps April 14th in Tucson, Arizona.
• Muse – They’ve added 6 more North American concerts to their 2013 itinerary, beginning Saturday in Los Angeles. The new leg runs through April 24th in Montréal, Québec.
• Taylor Swift – This week “The Moment I Knew” became her 57th career single on the ‘Billboard Hot 100’ chart, pushing her past Madonna and Dionne Warwick on the list of women with the most charted singles. She’s now behind only Aretha Franklin.

• “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” ( R-Rated Action Fantasy ): In this spin on the fairytale, ‘Hansel & Gretel’ are now bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled ‘Blood Moon’ approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past. Stars Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton. Shot in Germany.
• “Movie 43” ( R-Rated Comedy ): A series of interconnected short films by a dozen different directors follows 3 kids as they search the depths of the Internet to find the most banned movie in the world. Cast includes Dennis Quaid, Emma Stone, Greg Kinnear, Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Liev Schreiber, Richard Gere, and Seth MacFarlane.
• “Parker” ( R-Rated Crime Thriller ): A thief with a unique code of professional ethics is double-crossed by his crew and left for dead. Assuming a new disguise and forming an unlikely alliance with a woman on the inside, he looks to hijack the score of the crew’s latest heist. Stars Jason Statham, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Chiklis, Nick Nolte.
• Opening in limited release: “Happy People: A Year In the Taiga (Documentary); “John Dies At the End” (Comedy); “Knife Fight” (Political Comedy); “Noobz” (Comedy); “Race 2” (Action Thriller); and “Yossi” (Drama).

Law enforcers, retail stores, and social networks are increasingly using facial-recognition software. Hacktivist group Anonymous considers that an invasion of privacy and has come up with an online guide on ways to defeat FRS ….
• Tilt your head down at a 15-degree angle, which fools the software into thinking you do not have a face.
• Wear heavy make-up or a mask, although the latter is liable to raise suspicion.
• Use a ‘Privacy Visor’, new spectacles developed at Tokyo’s National Institute of Informatics that are equipped with a near-infrared light source which confuses the software without affecting your vision. (They forgot … place paper bag over head.)

Tips for writing that initial online dating message …
• Ask a question, something that anyone would conceivably want to answer.
• Do NOT explain that your jokes are jokes.
• Prove you’ve read their profile by mentioning details.
• Do NOT exaggerate (or invent) shared interests.
• Do NOT try to convert their interests into relationship metaphors.
• Shut up about yourself. TMI is a no-no on a first date and it’s also inadvisable in a first message.

New research has shown that sharing an ice cream cone with your dog or letting your cat nap on your face isn’t just unhygienic … it could kill you. A recent University of Bristol study reports that zoonotic infections – diseases transmitted between animals and humans – are on the rise. They’re spread by parasites, fungi, bacteria, and viruses that often originate within the warm bodies of our beloved household pets. Lead researcher Michael Day predicts that the next global health threat could be a pet-borne zoonotic superbug. (So please, for the sake of the general well-being of humanity, quit French-kissing your schnauzer!)

In America, Super Bowl Sunday is the 2nd-biggest eating day of the year behind Thanksgiving.  But this year, the National Chicken Council is predicting a shortfall in the production of chicken wings that will hold consumption to 1.23 billion wing segments during the Super Bowl, 12.3 million less than last year. Why? Chicken companies produced about 1% fewer birds last year, due in large part to record high corn prices. Corn makes up more than two-thirds of chicken feed. Even so, if those 1.23 billion chicken wing segments were laid end to end, they would stretch between the 49ers’ Candlestick Park and the Raven’s M&T Bank Stadium 27 times. (Simple solution … genetic engineer birds with 9 pairs of wings.)
– “Business News Daily”

The vast majority of chicken wings, especially those destined for restaurants, are disjointed, with the 3rd joint (the thin tip known as the ‘flapper’) being exported to Asian countries and the meatier 1st and 2nd joints being reserved for North America. The wing is then usually split into 2 segments, known as the ‘drumette’ (the drumstick-shaped upper portion) and the ‘winglet’ or ‘flat’ (the midsection) to be sold to restaurants and grocery stores. (Argument starter … Why is better? We say drumette by a 21-point spread.)

Only 2 countries retain the definite article in their official names in English – ‘The’ Bahamas and ‘The’ Gambia.
– BBC News


1981 [32] Alicia Keys (Augello-Cook), NYC, pop-R&B singer (“Girl On Fire”, w/Jay-Z-“Empire State of Mind”)/sometime movie actress (“The Secret Life of Bees”, “The Nanny Diaries”)

1985 [28] Michael Trevino, Montebello CA, TV actor (‘Tyler Lockwood’ on the “The Vampire Diaries” since 2009)

Movie actor David Strathairn (“The Bourne Legacy”) is 63; Classic rock guitarist Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen) is 58; TV personality Ellen DeGeneres (“Ellen) is 55; Pop-rock musician Charles Gillingham (Counting Crows) is 53; NHL hockey legend Wayne Gretzky is 52.

Graphic novelist/movie director Frank Miller (“Sin City”) is 56; NFL TV analyst Cris Collinsworth (“NBC Sunday Night Football”) is 54; Country singer Tracy Lawrence (“Paint Me a Birmingham”) is 45.

• “Irish Coffee Day”, because it might just be the perfect cocktail – a combination of caffeine, spirits, sugar, and cream. It’s guaranteed to put a warm glow on your Winter day!
• “Opposite Day”, a day to do everything backwards (ie: eat wrong-handed) as a fun way to get out of your tedious, day-in, day-out, lackluster, humdrum, milquetoast, run-of-the-mill rut.
• “Preschool Fitness Day”, observed on the last Friday in January to underline the importance of physical fitness for preschool children. (Here’s a thought … instead of parking them in front of a screen, let ‘em run around!)
• “Robbie Burns Day” (aka “Burns Night”), party time for Scots everywhere! It honors Scotland’s national poet who was born January 25, 1759 and whose most famous composition was “Auld Lang Syne”. A traditional ‘Burns Supper’ includes cock-a-leekie soup (fowl, leeks, and herbs), haggis (minced sheep’s heart, lungs, and liver mixed with oatmeal), neeps and tatties (mashed turnip and potatoes). The meal is then washed down with Scotch whisky toasts.
• “A Room of One’s Own Day”, for anyone who knows or longs for the bliss of having a private place.

• “Australia Day”, the national day for our mates Down Under that commemorates the 1788 landing of Captain Arthur Phillip at Sydney to establish a penal colony. This year the statutory holiday will be observed on Monday.
• “Peanut Brittle Day”, celebrating the yummy treat that sticks to your fillings. A little sugar, a little corn syrup, a little more sugar, some peanuts, a little butter, a little more sugar …
• “Seed Swap Day”, observed annually on the last Saturday in January to encourage gardeners to share resources with other gardeners and thereby reduce the need to buy expensive seeds from commercial suppliers. (After last year’s failures, we’re about ready to throw in the trowel.)
• “Spouse’s Day”, a time to enjoy and appreciate your better half. (Just before you deposit this month’s alimony.)
• “Wolf Moon”, the Full Moon of January, so-named because it traditionally caused wolf packs to howl hungrily. It’s sometimes also referred to as the ‘Old Moon’ or ‘Moon After Yule’.

• “Chocolate Cake Day”, for some unknown reason. But then … do we need one?
• “Family Literacy Day”, to promote the importance of reading & learning together as a family.
• “Thomas Crapper Day”, in honor of the man who invented the toilet flush mechanism, on the anniversary of his death in 1910. Thomas Crapper & Co became engineers by appointment to the English ‘throne’.
• “Vietnam Peace Day”, observed on the 40th anniversary of the 1973 peace deal signed in Paris that brought an end to America’s (then) longest war.
• “World Leprosy Day”, an annual observance on the last Sunday of January to increase public awareness about leprosy and to further leprosy eradication. (It’s not just biblical!)

2004 [09] “The Lord Of the Rings: Return Of the King” wins both musical categories (‘Best Original Score’, ‘Best Original Song’) at the “Golden Globe Awards”

2003 [10] Billy Joel escapes relatively unharmed when he totals his Mercedes-Benz on a Long Island NY highway

2011 [02] ‘Egyptian Revolution’ begins with a series of street demonstrations, acts of civil disobedience, labor strikes, and violent clashes (President Hosni Mubarak finally resigns February 11th)

1978 [35] 4 women are dealt perfect Bridge hands in the same card game in Dubuque, Iowa (odds of this happening … 2 octillion-to-1)

[Mon] Data Privacy Day
[Mon] Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
[Mon] Thank a Plug-in Developer Day
[Tues] Curmudgeons Day
[Tues] Puzzle Day
[Tues] Seeing Eye Dog Day
This Week Is … Nurse Anesthetists Week
This Month Is … Skating Month


You know, I’d love to but …
• I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.
• I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
• I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
• I’m sandblasting my oven.
• My patent is pending.
• I never go out on days that end in ‘Y’.
• I’m trying to be less popular.
• I have to study for a urine test.
• I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying ‘yes’.
• The guy on the radio told me to say tuned.

☎ What would be the least impressive superpower?

If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

Question: Studies show that young people crave THIS more than fast food.
Answer: Compliments.

For a longer, happier life, say nothing as often as possible.

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