Thursday, January 25, 2018 – Edition: #6143

You Really Know Your Sheet!

★ If you were on social media at all last weekend, chances are your friends and family were freaking out thinking ‘Friends’ was coming back. Sorry, entire Internet, but it’s not. An eerily convincing, fan-made trailer for a reunion movie went viral, but it’s a total hoax. The video has been viewed over five million times on YouTube since it was posted on January 12, and a video re-uploaded to a fake Will Ferrell fan page, which is now renamed Funny Inc., has been viewed a whopping 52 million times since it was posted on January 19.
(Could this BE any more phoney?)
★ Wonder Woman got snubbed by the Oscars and the Internet isn’t happy.  In a year of women’s voices rising to the top, its absence felt jarring to some, especially since many thought it had potential in the Best Director and special effects categories, at the very least. Not to mention its significance: with over $400 million in the box office, Wonder Woman was not only first female-fronted superhero movie of all time, but also the one of the biggest releases of the year.  At least Wonder Woman fans can rest assured that there’s a sequel in the pipeline…
★ Chris Hemsworth has sparked reports he’s fronting a new ‘Crocodile Dundee’ project after appearing in a mystery online ad with Danny Mcbride. Not much is known about the project – but some believe it’s linked to a Super Bowl commercial, and reports suggest the original Crocodile Dundee, Paul Hogan, will be part of the fun.
(Is there room for a line about ‘Aussie Rules’ football in there somewhere?)
★ Aaron Paul has revealed he and his wife have hired a birth companion to help them with the arrival of their first child. The ‘Breaking Bad’ star and wife Lauren are expecting their first child imminently, and have hired a doula – a trained birth companion – to help them through their daughter’s arrival.  According to him, “First thing you need to know is never say the word ‘relax’ and don’t ever say ‘breathe’. She said that my wife would most likely hit me if I do.”
★ Macaulay Culkin insists he is ”very protective” of his goddaughter Paris Jackson.  Culkin is godfather to all three of the late Michael Jackson’s children – but has admitted he’s closest to 19-year-old Paris.  When asked about the actress during an appearance on Marc Maron’s ‘WTF’ podcast, Culkin said: ”I’m going to warn you now, I am very protective of her so just look out. I am a very open book when it comes to things, but like with her, she is beloved by me.”
(Great.  Now, who is gonna protect HIM?)

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Viola Davis, Thomas Haden Church, Lanco
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Will Ferrell, Robert Irwin, Migos
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben McKenzie, 30 Seconds to Mars
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Willem Dafoe, Dakota Fanning, Amirah Kassem, Brann Dailor
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Saoirse Ronan, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, Billy Corgan ( R )
• “Conan” (TBS/Comedy): Lisa Kudrow, Tom Segura, Sam Morril
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Guest co-host Gretchen Carlson
• “The Talk” (CBS): Ted Danson, Krista Smith
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Ricky Gervais, Toni Braxton
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Ed O’Neill, N.E.R.D.
• “MVP: Most Valuable Performer” (CBS): A talent show in which NFL players share their off-the-field talents. From the Avalon Hollywood.
• “The Four” (FOX): Week Four. A new set of challengers face off against the Four, determined to take their coveted seats.

• Pink – the Philadelphia native and Eagles football fan was already scheduled to sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl Feb. 4, but when her team advanced to the championship game, she Tweeted: “Ummm. I’m singing the national anthem and the EAGLES ARE PLAYING?!?!?! IS THIS FOR REAL?!?!?!  THATS WHASSUP!!!!!!!!”
• Christina Aguilera – took to her Instagram story to tell fans that new music is on the way.  She shared a fan’s picture of her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, with a note left on it reading: ”Dear Christina Aguilera, Where the <bleep> is the new album??” She captioned the photo: ”It’s coming (***caution***)b*tches.”
• Britney Spears – after ending her Las Vegas residency on New Year’s Eve, she has announced that she will be taking her act on the road. “I’m so excited to announce that we’re bringing the #PieceOfMe tour to select cities in North America, Europe and the UK!” Spears told her 56.7 million Twitter followers. “See you guys this summer.”
• ZZ Top – have announced a six-date residency at the Venetian in Las Vegas starting April 20. The ‘Viva Las Vegas’ run of shows comes after the band was forced to cancel part of its previous tour after bassist Dusty Hill contracted a stomach ailment.
• Aerosmith – have been announced as one of the headliners of the 2018 New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival, better known as Jazz Fest.  Among the other big names for this year: the Steve Miller Band and Sting.  It takes place over two weekends, April 27-29 and  and May 3-6.
• Roger Waters – makes a guest appearance on Lucius’ new album ‘NUDES’.  The indie pop act’s lead vocalists, Jess Wolfe and Holly Laessig, spent much of 2017 performing with Waters on his US + Them tour.
• Luke Bryan – has extended his ‘What Makes You Country Tour’ and will be joined on the road by Jon Pardi and Carly Pearce following his stint as an ‘American Idol’ judge, and run into early fall.
• Maren Morris – says her dream collaborators would be Ed Sheeran, Bruno Mars and R&B artist  Kehlani
• Eric Church – will be among the artists playing a GRAMMY set in tribute to victims and survivors of the Route 91 Harvest Festival shooting in Las Vegas, where 58 people died last October. Maren Morris and the Brothers Osbourne will also play the GRAMMY set, which airs live on Sunday night.

I’m not even used to my chip credit cards yet, and Visa is trying something else – ‘biometrics’.  This month, they announced that they are testing on-card biometrics for contactless payment at two banks.  Biometric technology uses physical characteristics to authenticate a person’s identity. In the case of Visa’s pilot, cardholders will use fingerprint recognition instead of PINs or signatures for authentication.  The card is programmed with a template of your fingerprint. When the card is used, customers will be asked to hold their fingerprint against a sensor on the card while inserting the chip into the cardreader or waving it for contactless payment. That fingerprint is then compared to the one stored in the card to verify the user’s identity. The idea is to simplify card usage and make it more secure.  The increased security doesn’t come cheap, however.  A biometric credit card will cost a one-time fee of about $70.  A survey found about 86% of Americans were interested in getting one.
(…until they found out it would cost them $70!)
(Hmmm…They verify it is yours with your fingerprint, which is stored in the card….and the outside of the card is probably covered with your fingerprints.  Does anyone see a problem here?)
($70?  That’s getting dangerously close to my limit!)

Men like to think that they can do pretty much anything, but there is one thing that they definitely need their partner’s help with…besides, you know, the obvious: cooking, cleaning, remembering birthdays, childcare, picking out clothes that match….but I digress….what I’m talking about it SHAVING OUR BACKS!  No way to do that without help…until now.  Now there is the ‘baKblade’, and it is brilliant. Back hair is impossible to reach with a normal grooming utensil.  But this is a razor designed specifically for the task. It basically is a razor/comb combo mounted on a stick, which is about 18 inches long.  The comb lifts, the razor shaves.  And they say it works…pain-free…wet or dry.  They start at US $20 on Amazon.
(Shut up and take my money!)
(Why is it suddenly I know what I’m getting for Christmas this year?)
(Classic catch-22.  I can’t get a girl because I have all this back hair, and I can’t get rid of it until I can find a girl to do it!)
(I’m holding out for the ‘bakwax’)

This time of year, cold and flu viruses are everywhere. And if you’re coming down with something, you’re probably spreading them too.  How do you know if you’re contagious?    Dr. Pat Salber, a San Francisco-based emergency room internist, says that there is evidence that you are sharing your virus even before you get symptoms. Studies with ferrets (which can catch and transmit human flu) show that they can infect their ferret friends in the next cage over, even before they start showing symptoms like cute little ferret sneezes.   You’re most contagious about three days after you first get a flu virus, which tends to be the first or second day of your symptoms.  In most of us, flu is contagious for about a week. By the time you’re feeling better, you have probably stopped spewing virus particles everywhere.  You might still be a little contagious then, but doctors don’t usually consider you a big risk.
(Bottom line: if someone you know is sick, you’re going to get sick!)
(But if I gave it to you, why do I still have it…)

Here is a rundown on what you can expect to pay if you’ve discovered that you’ll be in Minneapolis on Feb. 4 with nothing to do (all current prices on Stubhub, USD):
Super Bowl tickets:
➠Cheapest Lower Level Ticket:  $5,699
➠Cheapest Upper Level Ticket:  $4,900
➠Most Expensive:  There are currently two tickets going for $100,000 apiece.  But good luck to that guy, because they are on the upper level, and there are cheaper tickets available nearby.
➠ Luxury Box:  The most expensive luxury box ticket is going for $66,665, and that will land you 13 rows from the field in a box. (It better come with free popcorn!)
➠ Cheapest Ticket: About $4,000 (I hope it’s legit!)
These might sound expensive, but after you pay $3,000 for a 3 night stay in a nearby hotel, your ticket might be the best deal you get all weekend!
(I was totally going to do it, too, until I remembered we’d need TWO seats!)


1953 [65] The Honky Tonk Man (Roy Wayne Farris), Gilbert, AZ, professional wrestler, (held the WWF Intercontinental Championship for a record 64 weeks, and lost it to The Ultimate Warrior at the inaugural SummerSlam, currently working in the independent circuit)

1962 [56] Chris Chelios, Chicago, IL, former pro hockey player (3-time Stanley Cup champ, second oldest person to play in the NHL (at age 48 in 2010)

1981 [37] Alicia Keys (Augello-Cook), NYC, pop-R&B singer (“Fallin’”, w/Jay Z-‘Empire State of Mind’)/sometime movie actress (“The Secret Life of Bees”, “The Nanny Diaries”)

1985 [33] Michael Trevino, Montebello CA, TV actor (‘Tyler Lockwood’ on “The Vampire Diaries” 2009-2017)

1996 [22] Calum Hood, Sydney NSW, Australia, pop vocalist-bassist (5 Seconds to Summer-‘Amnesia’, ‘Don’t Stop’)

• “Intravenous Nurse Day”, saluting nurses whose main ambition in life is finding a good vein in patients’ forearms in which to insert a needle.  In fact, medical insiders will tell you nurses often ogle and discuss the veins of unsuspecting people in public places. This is known as ‘nurse porn’.
• “Irish Coffee Day”, a delicious cocktail made with black coffee, sugar, Irish whiskey, and whipped cream. Joe Sheridan, a bartender at Foynes Airbase in Ireland, invented the concoction in 1942 as replenishment after a miserably cold 18-hour journey across the Atlantic.
• “Opposite Day”, a day to do everything backwards (ie: eat wrong-handed, say the opposite of what you mean) as a fun way to get out of your tedious, day-in, day-out, lackluster, humdrum, milquetoast, run-of-the-mill rut.  (I’m wearing my socks on the wrong feet!)
• “Robbie Burns Day”, party time for Scots everywhere! It honors Scotland’s national poet who was born January 25, 1759 and whose most famous composition was ‘Auld Lang Syne’.  A traditional ‘Burns Supper’ includes cock-a-leekie soup (fowl, leeks, and herbs), haggis (minced sheep’s heart, lungs, and liver mixed with oatmeal), neeps and tatties (mashed turnip and potatoes). The meal is then washed down with Scotch whisky toasts.
• “Clashing Clothes Day”, this is one holiday that Grandma kind of celebrates every day.

[Fri] Fun at Work Day
[Fri] Peanut Brittle Day
[Sat] Chocolate Cake Day
[Sat] Holocaust Remembrance Day

2004 [14] “The Lord Of the Rings: Return Of the King” wins both musical categories (‘Best Original Score’, ‘Best Original Song’) at the “Golden Globe Awards”

2017 [01] Mary Tyler Moore, best known for her roles on the sitcoms “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” and “The Dick Van Dyke Show”, dies at 80

2003 [15] Billy Joel escapes relatively unharmed when he totals his Mercedes-Benz on a Long Island NY highway (his defence: he was in a “mental fog” caused by lingering depression due to the 9/11 attacks … 16½ months earlier)

2011 [07] 53-year-old Canadian singer Mary-Lu Zahalan-Kennedy becomes first in the world to graduate from Liverpool Hope University with a Masters degree in ‘The Beatles’

2011 [07] ‘Egyptian Revolution’ begins with a series of street demonstrations, acts of civil disobedience, labor strikes, and violent clashes (President Hosni Mubarak finally resigns February 11th)


✓ Cotton Candy was invented by a dentist.
✓ Popsicles were invented by an 11-year-old boy.
✓ The word ‘yo’ was first used in the 15th century.
✓ Pilots and copilots eat different meals in case of food poisoning.
✓ Studies have found that untidy or unmade beds are better for your health than made beds.
✓ Yoda was almost played by a monkey.

✓ “The Emoji Movie” is actually entertaining when viewed with a high fever.
✓ Sometimes it’s just nice to be ‘clammy’.
✓ You can use your forehead to warm dinner rolls.
✓ If you ask politely, your letter carrier might rub Vick’s Vaporub into your chest.
✓ If you’re an actor and you’re playing a guy who sneezes a lot … say hello to Oscar!
✓ (***NOTE: customize for your own station***) If your temperature goes up to 106, you can bring the thermometer to KISS 106 and get a free KISS 106 bumper sticker!
✓ Getting gooned on Nyquil.
-First published in BS in 2017

• Keeps wanting to test your reflexes with a rusty bear-trap.
• Before attaching EKG electrodes, asks you to stand in a pail of water.
• Her examining table has a chalk body outline drawn on it.
• You come out of the anesthesia in the fast lane of a busy highway.
• Has other patients mounted on the wall.
• Just as you’re going under you hear him say, “Say hi to David Bowie for me.”
• You stop by for a flu shot and go home with a baboon liver.
-First published in BS in 2012

☎ What was the absolute worst movie of 2017? These pics are nominees for the 38th Razzie Awards’ ‘Worst Picture’ award on March 3…
✗ “Baywatch”
✗ “The Emoji Movie”
✗ “Fifty Shades Darker”
✗ “The Mummy”
✗ “Transformers XVII: The Last Knight”
(We say it was Jennifer Lawrence’s “Mother!”)

If you see a robbery at an Apple store does that make you an iWitness?

Question:  The average man uses two, but the average woman uses four. What are they?
Answer:  Pillows to sleep on

Excellence is not being the best . . . it is doing your best.

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