Thursday, January 26, 2012        Edition: #4677

You Really Know Your Sheet!

This morning at 9:30 am EST Reba McEntire announces the Academy of Country Music’s nominees for the 47th annual “ACM Awards” during a ‘digital press conference’ on Facebook and Twitter (the hardware’s handed out in Vegas on April 1st) . . . 2 months after announcing her divorce from Ashton Kutcher, 49-year-old actress Demi Moore has been hospitalized to treat ‘exhaustion’ and ‘overall health’ (BS translation: She’s down to like 85 lbs and there are reports of substance abuse) . . . Rumor has it that a major character will bite the dust in an episode of “Desperate Housewives” (ABC) set to air in March (any guesses?) . . . “Broadcasting & Cable” reports Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs is looking to launch his own cable TV channel called ‘Revolt’ in December, described as ‘a music and music news channel with an urban skew’ (this could be ‘chancy’ – ask Oprah!) . . . Former “Sex & The City” star Cynthia Nixon has shocked the “Live With Kelly” studio audience by showing up with a bald head (nope, not cancer – she’s shaved it for her role in the Broadway play “Wit”) . . . Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler is denying reports he dumped his now on-again fiancée Kristin Cavallari last year (this is called a fumble recovery) . . . Rather than NYC as rumored, 42-year-old actress Jennifer Aniston is movin’ on up to Bel Air to a $21-million, 8,500-sq-ft mansion for which she received title yesterday (no word if she’ll be living with her new fresh prince, Justin Theroux) . . . “Project Runway’s” Tim Gunn has revealed on ABC-TV’s new show “The Revolution” that he hasn’t had sex in 29 years (um, TMI?) . . . According to RadarOnline, 40-year-old actress Cameron Diaz may be going under the knife to maintain her youthful looks (could they maybe trowel in some of those pockmarks, too?) . . . And late-night host Jimmy Fallon (NBC) likes being bossed around by women, and has tried to surround himself with an all-female stage crew according to a fired staffer who’s suing for discrimination (could this be the first-ever ‘reverse harassment’ suit?).


• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Hopefuls in Galveston, Texas, perform for the judges.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – They Might Be Giants (“Album Raises New & Troubling Questions”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – 1970s group Earth Wind & Fire.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Seal (“Soul 2”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Portugal. The Man (“In the Mountain In the Cloud”); Wale (“Ambition”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – John Fogerty (ex-Creedence Clearwater Revival). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Nick Jonas (Jonas Bros).
• Santa Barbara International Film Festival – The annual film fest reels through Monday on the California coast. Veteran director Martin Scorsese (“Hugo”) is this year’s honoree for career achievement, receiving the ‘American Riviera Award’ on Monday night.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Tom Morello w/Ben Harper (“World Wide Rebel Songs”). Rerun.


• Garth Brooks – He’s won a breach-of-contract lawsuit against a Yukon, Oklahoma hospital that failed to construct a women’s health center in honor of his late mother, Coleen Brooks. A court has ruled that Integris Canadian Valley Regional Hospital must pay him $1 million, returning a $500,000-donation he made for naming rights plus an additional $500,000 in punitive damages.
• Michael Jackson – Today he’ll be commemorated with a hand & footprints ceremony at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood as his 3 children (Prince, Paris, and Blanket) make impressions in cement using their late father’s sequined glove and shoes. (Kind of creepy, no?)
• Neil Young – He’s hoping to record a new album with the full lineup of Crazy Horse for the first time since 1996. A rep confirms to “Rolling Stone” that plans for the project are looking good, though no release date has yet been set.
• Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder – Their last collaboration, “Ebony & Ivory” in 1982, was recently voted ‘Worst Duet in History’ so some are tentative about their new collaboration, a track called “Only Our Hearts” which will be released on McCartney’s new album, “Kisses On the Bottom”, due out next month. (Is this a palatable title for an album by a 69-year-old?)
• Rihanna – She has now officially passed Lady Gaga in total number of views on YouTube (2.068 billion to 2.044 billion), making her the most-viewed female recording artist on the site. Neither has been able to catch YouTube king Justin Bieber, however, who has 2.275 billion views and counting according to “Digital Journal”.
• Rolling Stones – Just a day after we reported Mick Jagger being recruited by British Prime Minister David Cameron to help raise Britain’s profile at an upcoming event in Switzerland, Jagger has backed out, complaining of being used as a ‘political football’.


A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “The Conjuring” – Patrick Wilson & Vera Farmiga will star in this supernatural thriller about a husband-and-wife psychic investigators who take on the most horrifying case of their career, involving spirits in a Rhode Island farmhouse. The story is based on a real-life case in the 1970s. The film’s likely to get a new title when shooting begins in North Carolina this March.
• “The Crow” – Javier Gutierrez is directing this remake of the 1993 comic book adaptation. The story centers on a musician who is killed while trying to save his fiancée from thugs, and is then brought back from the dead by supernatural forces to seek revenge. The original film gained cult status in part because its star, Brandon Lee, was killed in a freak accident on the set.
• “The Expendables 2” – Reports say that Chuck Norris gave Sylvester Stallone an ultimatum, saying he wouldn’t do the sequel unless it’s rated PG-13 so ‘kids can see it’. In the 2nd film, the group’s quest for revenge puts them deep into enemy territory against an unexpected threat. (To which they’ll say something like, “Golly, Mr Church. Should we arm wrestle them?”)
• “The Saint” – RKO Pictures is set to revive the debonair hero ‘Simon Templar’ in a new film that’s yet to be cast. Known as the ‘Saint’ because of his initials (‘ST’), he was first made popular in a 1960s TV series starring Roger Moore, then later hit the bigscreen in a 1997 movie version starring Val Kilmer.
• “Zaytoun” – Stephen Dorff has signed on for the lead role in this UK-Israeli co-production about an Israeli fighter pilot shot down over Beirut in 1982 who eventually forms an unlikely alliance with a 10-year-old Palestinian refugee as they make their way across war-torn Lebanon. The script is being penned by Palestinian screenwriter Nader Rizq.


A new study by Airlines Reporting Corporation, a company that handles ticketing transactions between airlines and travel agents, has reviewed millions of transactions for airline tickets over the last 4 years and found that passengers pay the lowest price, nearly 6% below the overall average fare, if they buy 6 weeks before their flight. The study also shows that ticket prices begin to soar dramatically about a week before the scheduled day of travel. (Coincidentally, 6 weeks before a flight is also when you need to start lining up to get through security.)


Employees at Disney’s US theme parks are now allowed to wear beards & goatees, reversing a policy put in place in the mid-1950s when Walt Disney opened Disneyland in California. Workers who choose to have facial hair will have to keep it short though as beards must be no longer than a quarter-inch. It’s the first change in the long-standing facial hair policy since 2000, when Disney employees were first allowed to wear mustaches … but only if they were grown while on vacation. (We don’t wanna snitch but Bashful, Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, and Sneezy are all in violation!)


Germany is struggling to deal with a generation of aging hippies who have never given up the drug habits they acquired in their 1960s heyday. The number of pensioners convicted of drug offences in the state of North Rhine-Westphalia, for instance, has doubled over the past decade to 117-a-year. Recent cases include a 69-year-old known as ‘Opium Grandpa’ who was caught trying to sell the drug to undercover police; a 71-year-old convicted of dealing dope to adolescents in a Cologne park; and a 73-year-old who needed medical treatment after eating too many ‘hash cookies’. (We also hear Hendrix downloads are at an all-time ‘high’.)
– “Der Spiegel”


✓ Quit pretending to be something you’re not and just act naturally.
✓ Try not to make it so obvious that you hate having your picture taken.
✓ Make sure you’re not squared up to the camera. Angle your body slightly.
✓ Look above the camera or below, but don’t look directly at the camera.
✓ A study finds that men who tilt their head back slightly and woman who tilt their head forward are perceived as more attractive.
✓ Don’t rush. Let the photographer wait you out until you look your best.
Best way to look good in a pic … relax and stop thinking so much about it!


Conservatives and liberals really do see things differently. University of Nebraska researchers who measured brain and emotional responses in 200 people with strong right- or left-wing views found that liberals tend to focus on the bright side, while right-wingers’ brains are wired to concentrate on negatives. The study could explain why liberals traditionally accuse the right of scare-mongering and exaggerating perceived threats, while conservatives say the left is too self-indulgent and dithers on urgent issues. (So don’t blame us if we’re left-wing, tree-hugging, Commie-loving, bleeding heart  liberals … it’s genetic.)


Honduras, a nation of 7.6 million people, now has the highest homicide rate in the world … 82.1 murders per 100,000 residents. (In Canada the rate is 1.62 for every 100,000 people.)
– “Miami Herald”

• If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
• Giraffes have no vocal chords.
• Cats can hear ultrasound.


1949 [63] David Strathairn, San Francisco CA, movie actor (“The Bourne Ultimatum”, “Good Night, and Good Luck”)   COMING UP THIS YEAR: “The Bourne Legacy”, “Hemingway & Gellhorn”, “Lincoln”.

1955 [57] Eddie Van Halen, Nijmegen, Netherlands, plastic-hipped classic rock guitarist (Van Halen-“Jump”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2007)  BS FACTOID: The new album “A Different Kind Of Truth” is coming February 7th, their first recording fronted by David Lee Roth in 27 years.

1958 [54] Ellen Degeneres, Metairie LA, TV personality (“Ellen DeGeneres Show” since 2003, “America Idol” 2010-11)/former sitcom star (“Ellen” 1994-98)

1960 [52] Charles Gillingham, Torrance CA, pop musician (Counting Crows-“Accidentally In Love”, “Big Yellow Taxi”)

1961 [51] Wayne Gretzky, Brantford ON, Hockey Hall of Fame former NHL player (9-time MVP)/former Phoenix Coyotes coach/all-time greatest hockey player?

1982 [30] Brahim Takioullah, Guelmim, Morocco, Guinness World Record holder for ‘World’s Largest Feet’ (left foot: 38.1 cm/15 ins; right foot: 37.5 cm/14.76 ins)

• “Australia Day” (aka “Anniversary Day” or “Foundation Day”), the national day for our mates Down Under that commemorates the 1788 landing of Captain Arthur Phillip at Sydney to establish a penal colony. Records of an annual celebration date back to 1808.

• “Kazoo Day”, celebrated annually on the last Thursday of January. The simple-to-play musical instrument first went into commercial production in 1912. Ringo Starr’s 1974 cover of “You’re Sixteen” remains one of the few #1 singles to feature a kazoo solo. A really bad kazoo band playing the Rolling Stones’ “Miss You” can be heard here …

• “NHL All-Star Weekend” begins in Ottawa. The game itself takes place Sunday afternoon (CBC). Drake is performing during the 2nd intermission, joined by rapper Outasight and “The Voice” winner Javier Colon.

• “Peanut Brittle Day”, celebrating the yummy treat that sticks to your fillings. A little sugar, a little corn syrup, a little more sugar, some peanuts, a little butter, a little more sugar …

• “Republic Day” in India, celebrating the date in 1950 when the country’s constitution came into effect, making India a sovereign state. One of only 3 national holidays, it is celebrated with pomp and military parades in New Delhi and across the nation.

• “Spouse’s Day”, a time to enjoy and appreciate your better half. (Just before you deposit this month’s alimony.)


2009 [03] 8 children are born to Nadya Suleman, who becomes known as ‘The Octomom’ in numerous media appearances (public reaction turns negative when it’s discovered the unemployed single mom already has 6 other children via in vitro fertilization)


1984 [28] Michael Jackson’s hair catches fire during taping of a Pepsi ad (and the long slide into wackiness begins)


2003 [09] Tampa Bay Buccaneers win their 1st NFL championship, routing the Oakland Raiders 48-21 in Super Bowl 37


1962 [50] “The Twist” by Chubby Checker finally ends its record-setting run at #1 (the only time a pop single has fallen completely off the charts and then re-attained the #1 spot in a completely separate release a year later)


[Fri] “The Grey”; “Man On a Ledge”; “One For the Money” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Holocaust Memorial Day
[Fri] Preschool Fitness Day
[Fri] Vietnam Peace Day
[Fri] Fun at Work Day
[Sat] Data Privacy Day
This Week Is … World Leprosy Week
This Month Is … Bath Safety Month


• Fat guys who get their in-seam measured a couple of times and then don’t buy anything.
• When a size-54 doesn’t close the dressing room curtain.
• When Zach Galifianakis tries to return old bathing suits.
• Annoying ‘thwack’ sound when a customer walks into the ceiling fan.
• When a big & tall guy gets wedged in the doorframe and you have to call the fire department.
• “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” special-ordering uniform pants with 50-inch waist, 20-inch leg.
• While fitting a fat guy on your lunch hour, he asks if you’re going to finish that sandwich.
• Two words … broken chairs.


My favorite pastime at the mall is putting Slinkies on the escalator.


☎ Are singles today better off staying single?


Question: THIS is the #1 occupation of women who marry millionaires.
Answer: Real estate agent.


Money is like a promise, easier made than kept.

Printer Friendly Version