Monday, January 26, 2015        Edition: #5383

You Really Know Your Sheet!

★ Paula Abdul is returning to her choreographer roots as a judge on the upcoming season of FOX-TV’s “So You Think You Can Dance”. The former “American Idol” judge, along with recording artist Jason Derulo (“Talk Dirty”), is joining exec producer Nigel Lythgoe on the panel for Season 12, which premieres this Summer. Abdul and Derulo take over seats that were filled by Mary Murphy and a rotating guest judge. Cat Deeley returns as host for the new season of the competition, which opens auditions in NYC on January 24th. (Are we ready for ‘Miss Wacky’ again?)
★ Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to have ‘Sex Bark’. That’s her recommendation in the latest installment of her newsletter “GOOP”. No, it’s not a weird noise you make during sex, it’s a chocolate bark that will cost you at least $93 to make, because it requires the aphrodisiac ‘Sex Dust’, which itself costs $60 for 4 ounces. You buy all the ‘Sex Bark’ ingredients at the website Moon Juice, which promises a ‘holistic approach to deeply enjoyable sex’ and notes that its products are all ‘wild crafted’. (Uh, what does that even mean?)
★ Fimmaker Martin Scorsese’s HBO TV documentary on Bill Clinton has officially been shelved, according to reports. The made-for-TV movie about the former US prez (1993-2001) has been in the making since 2012. The film was partly shot over the past 2 years, and was to feature Clinton making a philanthropic visit to South Africa. One report suggests the project has stalled due to disagreements over control of the film, with Clinton’s people demanding more say about interview questions as well as the film’s final cut. A Clinton spokesman, however, says that claim is ‘inaccurate’. (BS translation: Bang on.)
★ Paris Hilton was spotted last week taking her new $13k Pomeranian puppy, Princess Paris Jr, to the “World Dog Awards” (huh?). She now has 8 dogs in total. She’s always been obsessed with animals; as a 12-year-old it was rats, and she kept a playhouse full of them in her backyard. She was also into “Beverly Hills 90210” at the time so she named each rat after a cast member: ‘Brian’, ‘Tori’, ‘Shannon’, etc. Her sister Nicky says Paris grew up wanting to be a vet until she found out the duties include putting animals to sleep, which she decided she could never do. (So she became Paris Hilton instead.)
★ And Jillian Fink, wife of TV actor Patrick Dempsey, has filed for divorce from the “Grey’s Anatomy” star after 15 years of marriage, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’. A rep has confirmed the split, saying that both Dempsey’s and Fink’s primary concern at the moment is the well-being of their children, 12-year-old daughter Tallulah Fyfe and 7-year-old twin boys, Sullivan Patrick and Darby Galen. Fink is said to be seeking joint custody, as well as spousal and child support. (Might the ‘irreconcilable differences’ include goofy baby names?)

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Jukebox the Ghost (“I Love You Always Forever”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Keith Urban (“American Idol”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Self (“Subliminal Plastic Motives”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni1) – The Lone Bellow (“The Lone Bellow”).
• “Super Bowl’s Greatest Commercials 2015” (CBS) – A countdown of the best-ever ads, hosted by Boomer Esiason & Katharine McPhee.
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Big KRIT f/Raphael Saadiq (“Cadillactica”).

• Black Keys – They’ve cancelled their European tour in February & March following a shoulder injury suffered by drummer Patrick Carney earlier this month. The duo is slated to return to the road in Australia, starting April 2nd.
• Carrie Underwood – She remains at #1 on the ‘Billboard Hot Country Songs’ chart for this week with “Something In the Water”.
• Ed Sheeran – In Latvia, he is known as Eda Širana.
• Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood – It may seem a tad early for the announcement but the country music couple are going to release a duets Christmas album … presumably much, much later this year.
• Lil Wayne – He’s suing Cash Money Records co-founder Bryan ‘Birdman’ Williams for failing to advance $8 million for Weezy’s new album. The suit also claims the label is violating his contract by withholding the album. Wayne is asking to be freed from the deal.
• Miley Cyrus – She’s admitted that she can’t spell her boyfriend Patrick Schwarzenegger’s name. We’re assuming she doesn’t mean the Patrick part … or does she?
• Nick Jonas – His single “Jealous” has hit #1 on the Mediabase ‘Pop’ chart.
• Rihanna – She’s won a legal battle vs Brit retailer Topshop over a T-shirt bearing her image. Judges at the Court of Appeal in London have unanimously dismissed an appeal of a ban on sales of a sleeveless T featuring a pic of RiRi. She sued for $5 million in 2013.
• Ryan Adams – He & Mandy Moore have mutually decided to end their marriage of almost 6 years, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’. The 40-year-old musician & 30-year-old actress tied the knot in March 2009 and have always been extremely private about their relationship.
• TLC – Just 3 days after launching their Kickstarter campaign, they not only raised enough money to record their 5th and final album, they exceeded their goal. They raised well over $210,000, beating their target of $150,000, thanks in part to 5-grand from Katy Perry.

✓ If you have a toothache, rub some ice on the webbed area between your thumb and index finger. By numbing your hand, the intensity of your pain will be reduced.
✓ Before an important test or exam, take a pen & paper and write down your feelings. A scientific study suggests those who jot down their emotions before an exam get higher scores.
✓ If you have broken a blister and you don’t have any antiseptic around, you can use a few drops of Listerine. The mouthwash also has strong antiseptic effects.
✓ When trying to listen to someone in a noisy situation, give them your right ear. Apparently your right ear picks up words, while your left ear is better at picking up sounds and music.
✓ If being vaccinated stresses you out, cough during the act. Studies have shown that a sudden cough reduces the pain a person feels during a shot.
✓ Have you ever tripped over a doorstep or banged your pinkie toe on a coffee table? If so, don’t be afraid to swear like a sailor. Research shows that cursing helps to reduce pain.
✓ After a big hearty meal, be sure to sleep on your left side. Lying on your right side places your stomach in a higher position, enabling stomach acid to rise to your throat.
✓ If you are in a bad mood, put a pencil in your mouth. It will activate the muscles you use when smiling, which will trick your brain into boosting your mood.
– Condensed from

• Introducing the regret app, the ‘undo’ button for instant messaging. ‘Strings’ is touted as letting you share what you want with who you want … and then take it back, if you want. The free app allows you to delete sent messages, images, and videos from your phone as well as the phone of the person you sent them to. The catch is, the recipient needs to be a user of the messaging app as well. Even so, ‘Strings’ popularity has skyrocketed since the beta version was launched December 31st.
– BBC Technology
• ‘Invisible Boyfriend’ (‘Girlfriend’) takes the concept of virtual intimacy further than any of the fake-date apps before it. The wildly viral new service invents a boyfriend/girlfriend to deceive your pestering family and friends. When you sign up, you design your own lover, picking a name, age, interests, and personality traits. You tell the app your personal preferences and, for $25 per month, that imaginary man/woman of your dreams starts texting you regularly.

The king is dead, long live the queen! With the death of 90-year-old King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II becomes the oldest reigning monarch in the world. She turns 89 on April 21st.
– @RoyalCentral

“It’s my belief that there’s a greater understanding than ever that women need to be equal participants in our homes, in our societies, in our governments and in our workplaces, and they know that the world is being held back in every way because they are not.”
– Actress Emma Watson, whose Friday speech about gender inequality at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland has gone viral since.


1949 [66] David Strathairn, San Francisco CA, movie actor (“The Bourne Ultimatum”, “Good Night, and Good Luck”)

1955 [60] Eddie Van Halen, Nijmegen, Netherlands, plastic-hipped classic rock guitarist (Van Halen-“Jump”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2007)

1958 [57] Ellen Degeneres, Metairie LA, TV personality (“Ellen DeGeneres Show” since 2003, “America Idol” 2010-11)/former sitcom star (“Ellen” 1994-98)

1960 [55] Charles Gillingham, Torrance CA, pop musician (Counting Crows-“Accidentally In Love”, “Big Yellow Taxi”)

1961 [54] Wayne Gretzky, Brantford ON, Hockey Hall of Fame former NHL player (9-time MVP)/all-time greatest hockey player?/new grandfather

1981 [34] Colin O’Donoghue, Drogheda, Ireland, TV actor (‘Captain Hook’ on “Once Upon a Time” since 2012)

1982 [33] Brahim Takioullah, Guelmim, Morocco, Guinness World Record holder for ‘World’s Largest Feet’ (left foot: 38.1 cm/15 ins; right foot: 37.5 cm/14.76 ins)

• “Australia Day” (aka “Anniversary Day” or “Foundation Day”), the national day for our mates Down Under that commemorates the 1788 landing of Captain Arthur Phillip at Sydney to establish a penal colony. Records of an annual celebration date back to 1808.

• “Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day”, observed annually on the last Monday of January to celebrate the padding we all like to pop.
Don’t have any addictive bubble wrap with you? Try some virtual popping here …

• “Peanut Brittle Day”, celebrating the yummy treat that sticks to your fillings. A little sugar, a little corn syrup, a little more sugar, some peanuts, a little butter, a little more sugar …

• “Republic Day” in India, celebrating the date in 1950 when the country’s constitution came into effect, making India a sovereign state. One of only 3 national holidays, it is celebrated with pomp and military parades in New Delhi and across the nation.

• “Spouse’s Day”, a time to enjoy and appreciate your better half. (Just before you deposit this month’s alimony.)

2009 [06] 8 children are born to Nadya Suleman, who becomes known as ‘The Octomom’ in numerous media appearances (public reaction turns negative when it’s discovered the unemployed single mom already has 6 other children via in vitro fertilization)

1984 [31] Michael Jackson’s hair catches fire during taping of a Pepsi ad (and the long slide into wackiness begins)

2003 [12] Tampa Bay Buccaneers win their 1st NFL championship, routing the Oakland Raiders 48-21 in Super Bowl 37

1962 [53] “The Twist” by Chubby Checker finally ends its record-setting run at #1 (the only time a pop single has fallen completely off the charts and then re-attained the #1 spot in a completely separate release a year later)

[Tues] National Geographic Day
[Tues] Thomas Crapper Day
[Wed] Data Privacy Day
[Wed] Kazoo Day
[Thurs] Australian Academy of Cinema & Television Arts Awards (Sydney NSW)
[Thurs] Curmudgeons Day

Catholic Schools Week / Clean Out Your Inbox Week / Meat Week / Medical Group Practice Week / Nurse Anesthetists Week / World Leprosy Week


Highlight bits culled from 21 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Unveiling of world’s largest beer-can pyramid.
• Busload of Australian Rules footballers doing city-to city ‘mooning tour’.
• Prime Minister opens bottle of beer … with his eye.
• Live national telecast of drunken koala set loose in a convenience store.
• Cultural Minister shotguns a 6-pack of XXXX Gold while singing “Waltzing Matilda”.
• All schoolchildren are given souvenir mugs of 3.2 beer.
• Keith Urban is released naked in the outback, hunted for sport.
– First published in “BS” 2000.

• Fat guys who get their in-seam measured a couple of times and then don’t buy anything.
• When a size-54 doesn’t close the dressing room curtain.
• When Zach Galifianakis tries to return old bathing suits.
• Annoying ‘thwack’ sound when a customer walks into the ceiling fan.
• When a big & tall guy gets wedged in the doorframe and you have to call the fire department.
• Trying to find Lycra cycling pants with a 50-inch waist, 20-inch leg.
• While fitting a fat guy on your lunch hour, he asks if you’re going to finish that sandwich.
• Two words … broken chairs.
– First published in “BS” 2012.

I’m not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever.

What was the official name of the 1st ‘Super Bowl’ in 1967?
a. The AFL-NFL World Championship Game [CORRECT]
b. The NFC-AFC Championship
c. The NFL Bowl
– “US News & World Report”

☎ If Super Bowls were showdowns between the real life manifestation of team names (ie: actual Seahawks for Seahawks), what would be your favorite matchup? How about Lions vs … Saints?

Question: There are 96 of THESE on the Moon.
Answer: Bags of human waste.

Life’s simple. No deposit, no return.

Manu Levy @ NRJ Paris, France; Ian Bayne @ Cities 92.9 [WRPW] Bloomington IL; Ivana Mirana @ Radio Banana FM Zagreb, Croatia; Lou Attia @ 103.9 Juice FM [CJUI] Kelowna BC; Rich Templeton @ Kool 103.5 [KLDZ] Medford OR; and Kayla Derkach @ 1240 Coast AM Port Hardy BC.

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