Monday, January 30, 2012 Edition #4679
Good Morning, Sheetheads!
WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Saturday the top awards at the “Sundance Film Festival” went to “Beasts Of the Southern Wild” (‘Best Drama’, ‘Best Cinematography’) and “The House I Live In” (‘Best Documentary’), making them likely favorites for independent movie audiences in 2012. “The Surrogate”, which stars Helen Hunt & John Hawkes in the story of a man’s quest to lose his virginity while mostly confined to an iron lung, won the ‘Audience Award’ for drama. (Is this in the “Kama Sutra”?)
• At blues legend Etta James’ funeral in Los Angeles on Saturday, Stevie Wonder performed 3 songs and Christina Aguilera sang James’ signature tune “At Last” for the hundreds of mourners who gathered at Greater Bethany Community Church. Civil rights leader Reverend Al Sharpton delivered the eulogy and read aloud a statement from president Barack Obama. James died January 20th at age 73 from complications of leukemia. (She’s become a bigger name since dying than she ever was in life.)
• Shakira was the toast of France on Saturday as she scooped an ‘Award Of Honor’ career achievement prize at the glitzy “NRJ Music Awards” just hours after she was made a Knight Of the Order Of the Arts & Letters in an afternoon ceremony at Cannes’ Majestic Hotel. Other winners at the awards included Adele (‘International Revelation Of the Year’, ‘International Song Of the Year’); Rihanna (‘Best International Female’); Mika (‘Best International Male’); and LMFAO (‘Best International Group’, ‘Music Video Of The Year’). (As an indication of how legit the career achievement prize is … Justin Bieber also got one.)
• French filmmaker Michel Hazanavicius (“The Artist”) seems headed for an Oscar after scooping the top prize at the 64th “DGA Awards” (Directors Guild of America) in Hollywood on Saturday night. The silent-movie maker won out over Alexander Payne (“The Descendants”), David Fincher (“The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”), Martin Scorsese (“Hugo”), and Woody Allen (“Midnight in Paris”). The DGA winner has gone on to win the Academy Award for ‘Best Director’ all but 6 times since the guild began handing out awards in 1949. (That makes his odds 10:1)
• Today actress Halle Berry & ex-boyfriend Gabriel Aubry are scheduled to attend a court hearing regarding the custody arrangement for their daughter Nahla. Perhaps with that in mind, Aubry has agreed to enrol in an anger management class after meeting with Berry and officials from the LA County Department of Children & Family Services on Friday. Aubry has been accused of shoving the child’s nanny in a fit of pique, the incident that brought on this whole mess. (Another Hollywood kid gets caught in the crossfire.)
• And actor Brad Pitt is getting closer to putting a ring on Angelina Jolie’s finger. Yesterday on “CBS Sunday Morning”, Pitt admitted he hasn’t been very good at explaining to their kids why they’ve never wed and says they’re getting a lot of pressure from their brood to get married. His promise to them: “We will someday.” Pitt also revealed their children are banned from Googling their parents names on computers. (They’re allowed to Google each other, just in case they can’t remember all the names.)
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Fishbone (“Crazy Glue”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Bear Hands (“High Society”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Nada Surf (“The Stars are Indifferent to Astronomy”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – James McCartney (“Close at Hand”); Jennifer Lopez (“American Idol”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Chris Colfer (“Glee”); Aerosmith’s Joe Perry (“I’ve Got the Rock ‘n Rolls Again”); Madonna (“MDNA”, coming in March).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Gavin DeGraw (“Sweeter”).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Drake – He’d like to play Barack Obama in a movie, claiming he’s mastered the inflections of the president’s speech patterns. He does have acting experience; before his music career took off, he was on the TV series “Degrassi: The Next Generation”.
• Kelly Clarkson – Her latest single “Stronger” has reached #1 on iTunes, selling over 532,000 downloads to date.
• Lady Gaga – Her new interactive website, LittleMonsters.com, is currently up in beta mode. It’s part of Backplane, a new social networking company that will give celebrities the ability to interact directly with their fans online. Gaga reportedly holds a 20% stake in the venture.
• Lil Wayne – He’s set to release his 2nd full-length album in less than a year. “I Am Not a Human Being 2” is said to be ready-to-go and will drop before this Summer. (You can get a lot of writing done when you spend 8 months in the slammer.)
• Luke Bryan – He’s atop this week’s “Billboard” magazine ‘Country Songs’ chart with “I Don’t Want This Night To End”.
• Madonna – Latest rumors have Cee Lo Green and LMFAO joining MIA and Nicki Minaj in her halftime show at this Sunday’s Super Bowl. (If true, that’s a lot of content to cram into 12 minutes!)
• Toby Keith – “Chicago Tribune” has named him the top spokesman for full-size trucks. Keith’s tours have been sponsored by Ford F-Series since 2003.
• Train – They plan to release a new album sometime in the Spring, with Summer touring to follow in Europe and Australia, ahead of a late Summer tour of North America.
ACTUAL BS STORE SIGNS:
Real but really weird signs spotted at store entrances …
• “Please remove hoodies & ski masks before entering store.”
• “Keep your pants up around your waist or don’t come in!”
• “As from October 27th all staff will be required to arrive at work with teeth.”
• “We will no longer accept money out of undergarments.”
• “Due to sanitary reasons, we will not accept any money that comes out of bras.”
• “No weapons allowed.”
– Excerpted from Oddee.com
TROUBLE WITH TOYS:
The bulk of toys for children these days are technology-driven, decked out with everything from flashing lights to 3-D computer screens to disembodied voices. And this, say child development experts, is turning into a massive problem. High-stimuli toys, even many of those advertised as ‘educational’ or ‘interactive’, actually serve to diminish children’s activity. Instead of using their minds to imagine how to use a toy – how to build a castle with blocks, say – they simply push a button or watch a flashing light. The toy is doing the work, which is the reverse of what researchers say is ideal. (I remember when I was a kid, we used to play with dust balls …)
– “Christian Science Monitor”
ZAY ARE LOVING EET:
You likely know that McDonald’s is the world’s largest fast-food chain and that the USA is its #1 market, but can you guess who’s #2? Surprise, it’s France! New research from the Wharton School of Business says McDonald’s is doing well in the land of haute cuisine because it has adapted to French eating habits and tastes. Sitting down to a meal is a cornerstone of French culture and McDonald’s seems to get that. French McDonald’s are spacious, tastefully decorated, and encourage customers to take their time while eating. And cozy McCafés, with plush chairs and sofas, have become an extension to many restaurants. (What’s the proper wine to order alongside your ‘Royale with Cheese’?)
THE SURVEY SEZ:
• A Roper Poll finds that people are considered to be at their most sexually attractive when they’re at the age of 38. (The survey was conducted among 20,000 38-year-olds.)
• An online marriage survey finds that 98% of women still take their husband’s last name when they tie the knot. (And everything else when they untie it!)
• A Zogby poll finds that about half of us don’t like ANY facial hair on men. (Of course, the results are a bit skewed. There was no way to call the Amish.)
LONG HOURS, LONG FACE:
Working long hours appears to substantially increase a person’s risk of becoming depressed, a new study suggests. Researchers who followed over 2,000 British civil servants for 6 years found that those who put in an average of at least 11 hours per day at the office have about 2-and-a-half times the odds of developing depression than colleagues who clock 8 hours or less. The link between long workdays and depression is common to most workers, regardless of how stressful their actual work is. (That’s why this show is a grueling 4 hours long and not a minute more!)
– Condensed from CNN.com
MOST COMMON CAUSES OF ‘CHECK ENGINE’ LIGHT:
It’s great that vehicles are all hi-tech these days but the ‘Check Engine Warning’ can be frustrating because it offers no explanation as to what the problem may be. A few things that can cause the light to go off and what the consequences are …
• Catalytic Convertor – It converts carbon monoxide and other harmful materials into harmless compounds. If it’s failing, your car won’t go any faster when you push the accelerator.
• Gas Cap – Yep, it can be the problem. When it’s loose or cracked, fuel vapors leak and can throw off the entire fuel system. This causes reduced gas mileage and increased emissions.
• Mass Airflow Sensor – This tells the car’s computer to add the proper amount of fuel based on the air coming in. A faulty one can cause the car to stall, and also decreases gas mileage.
• Oxygen Sensors – Oil ash can reduce their ability to change the oxygen and fuel mixture. A faulty sensor not only reduces gas mileage, it also increase emissions.
• Spark Plugs – Spark plugs in newer vehicles can last up to 100,000 miles but eventually they fail and begin to misfire. You’ll feel a little jolt in your car’s acceleration when this happens.
Plenty of other possibilities for a check engine light are out there, but the above 5 are the most common. (The warning light we hate to see is: ‘Take This Beater to a Wrecker, Stat!’)
– Condensed from CarMD.com
BS AMAZING FACTS:
✓ Dolphins are bilingual. They can also speak whale.
✓ About 75% of the world’s cocoa beans come from West Africa. It’s estimated that up to 100,000 children work in the fields there, many forced against their will.
BS CHRONOMETER 01.30.12
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951  Phil Collins, London UK, 5’-5” classic rocker (“Another Day in Paradise”, “Genesis-“Invisible Touch”)/film composer (“Tarzan”)
1974  Christian Bale, Haverfordwest, Wales, movie actor (Oscar-“The Fighter”, “The Dark Knight”)
1980  Josh Kelley, Augusta GA, pop-country singer (“Georgia Clay”, “Amazing”)/brother of Lady Antebellum singer Charles Kelley/wed to actress Katherine Heigl since 2006
1984  Kid Cudi (Scott Mescudi), Cleveland OH, rapper (“Day ‘n Nite”) BS FACTOID: Today he releases the new album “WZRD”.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day”, celebrating the padding we all like to pop. Don’t have any addictive bubble wrap with you? Try some virtual popping here …
Or play music on this bubble wrap keyboard …
• “Croissant Day”, the first step of which is being able to say the French-derived word ‘croissant’. It’s not ‘CROY-sent’, it’s ‘cwah-SAHN’.
• “Inane Answering Message Day”, a time to change, shorten, replace, or delete that annoying voice-mail message … which you likely recorded on Day One and then never altered.
• “World Law Day”, established in 1922 to celebrate the rules society lives by.
• “Yodel for Your Neighbors Day”, a day to add some frivolity to your neighborhood by warming up the ol’ vocal cords … outdoors. (Followed by ‘Getting Tomato-ed by Your Neighbors Day’.)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1996  Michael Jackson’s unauthorized biographer, Randy Taraborrelli, claims the ‘King of Pop’ paid Lisa Marie Presley $15 million to marry him for 1 year (Jackson’s attorney denies there was any such deal)
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1958  1st ‘Moving Sidewalk’ (1,435-ft-long walkway at Love Field, Dallas TX)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1994  Buffalo Bills lose a 4th consecutive Super Bowl and a 2nd consecutive to Dallas Cowboys (30-13) in Super Bowl 28 (Atlanta GA)
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Backwards Day
[Tues] Asteroid 433 Eros passes by Earth
[Tues] Inspire Your Heart With Art Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Catholic Schools Week / International Hoof Care Week / Intimate Apparel Week / Meat Week / Take Back Your Time Week
BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
WORLD LAW DAY LAWYER JOKES:
• If you see a lawyer and a senator drowning and you have to make a choice, would you go to a movie or have lunch?
• How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (The real question is … how much can the light bulb afford to be screwed for?)
• What do you call a lawyer buried in sand up to his neck? (Not enough sand.)
• Why are there no stamps with pictures of lawyers on them? (People wouldn’t know which side to spit on.)
• What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead dog in the middle of the road? (There are skid marks in front of the dog.)
• What can a goose do, that a duck can’t, that a lawyer should? (Stick their bill up their ass.)
– First published in “BS” 2001
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• Where was the first instant coffee produced?
a. Switzerland [CORRECT, by the Nestlé Co of Vevay, Switzerland in 1938.]
• According to a Harvard University study, which can years of losing and regaining weight lead to?
a. Gallstones. [CORRECT]
c. A closet full of wrong-sized belts.
– “Vitality Magazine”
BS RANDOM JOKE:
I don’t care if I’m apathetic …
BS PHONE STARTER:
Is falling in love like how it’s portrayed in romantic comedies?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: New research suggests that women who do THIS seem to be taken more seriously.
Answer: Keep their maiden name.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Don’t be worried about growing old … some aren’t that lucky.
NOW ON OUR SHEET LIST:
Dave Wingert @ 101.9 The Big O [KOOO] Omaha, Nebraska; Claudia Abate @ “The Marilyn Denis Show” [CTV] Toronto, Ontario; William Smitherman @ Rock 98.9 [WRRX] Jackson, Mississippi; Simone Shepherd @ 90.1 The Heat [CRNC] Welland, Ontario; and Chelly Straub @ Mix 96.5 [KHMX] Houston, Texas.
Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s “BS”!