Monday, January 30, 2017 – Edition #5900

100% Grade A Bull!

★ Jerry Seinfeld, one of the wealthiest comedians ever, has just made another $100 million! His new deal with Netflix gives the streaming service the previously produced 9 seasons of “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”, plus a new 10th season and 2 new stand-up specials. All of this material is due to be released later this year. “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” previously ran on the streaming service Crackle. It’s not like Jerry needs the money; he’s already made more than $400 million from the syndication of his hit 1990s sitcom “Seinfeld”.
★ “Stranger Things” star Millie Bobby Brown (‘Eleven’) is set to make her movie debut in a “Godzilla” sequel. “Krampus” director Michael Dougherty is directing the follow-up to Gareth Edwards’ 2014 creature feature, and he’s been quick to sign the 12-year-old to the cast. “Godzilla: King Of the Monsters” is part of a giant-monster cinematic universe that also includes “Kong: Skull Island” (out March 10th). “King Of the Monsters” is scheduled for release in 2019. Details about the plot and characters are being kept secret.
– “Hollywood Reporter”
★ Princes William & Harry have commissioned a statue of their late mother Diana, Princess of Wales. The Brit royals announced Saturday that it’s to be installed in the public gardens of London’s Kensington Palace to commemorate 20 years since her tragic death. A spokesperson says it’s not yet possible to say when the statue is being unveiled, as a sculptor has yet to be chosen. It’s hoped it will be completed by the end of 2017. William was 15 and Harry 12 when the princess was killed in a car crash in Paris, France on August 31st, 1997. She was 36.
★ David & Victoria Beckham have renewed their wedding vows. The couple originally tied the knot in a lavish ceremony in Ireland in 1999 and David tells BBC Radio 4 their renewal ceremony was much more tasteful, an intimate ceremony attended by just 6 people. David (41) and Victoria (42) have had a number of ups-and-downs during their marriage but David insists that their union is solid. Quote: “Do we stay together because it’s a brand? Of course not. We stay together because we love each other.”
– Bang Showbiz
★ And almost all of Kim Kardashian West’s stolen jewels have reportedly been melted down and sold … except for her diamond engagement ring. One of the arrested bandits, nicknamed Omar le Vieux (Old Omar), says that altogether there was a bit more than 800 grams of precious metals. He claims planning the robbery was easy, because Kim has been so open about her movements and jewelry on social media in the past. He also says the gang had insider information from someone very close to her. Hmm, let the finger-pointing begin.
– “Le Monde”

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Melissa Etheridge (“Memphis Rock & Soul”).
• “Ellen” (syndicated/CTV2) – Machine Gun Kelly (“General Admission”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Keyshia Cole (“It Is What It Is Tour”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Bob Mould (“Patch the Sky”). Rerun.
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/CTV) – Local Natives (“Sunlit Youth”).
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Kings of Leon (“Walls”).
• “The Odd Couple” (CBS/CityTV) – The Season 3 finalé and perhaps the end of the show? This latest TV remake, starring Matthew Perry & Thomas Lennon hasn’t exactly been setting the world afire.
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Guest co-host DJ Khaled (“Major Key”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Noah Cyrus f/Labrinth (“Make Me [Cry]”).

• Black Sabbath – Keyboardist Geoff Nicholls died Saturday after battling lung cancer, his bandmate Tony Iommi has revealed in an emotional Facebook post. Frontman Ozzy Osbourne is among those who’ve paid tribute online.
• Celine Dion – The 48-year-old French-Canadian singer is joining “The Voice” as an adviser for returning coach Gwen Stefani. Season 12 debuts on NBC-TV February 27th.
• DJ Khaled – He’s also joining “The Voice”, as a mentor for Alicia Keys’ team.
• Dierks Bentley – He’s currently in the middle of an 11-date Canadian tour and says he doesn’t mind the cold. In fact, he’s a big hockey fan and likes to play pick-up games before his shows. His next concert is at Winnipeg’s MTS Centre on Wednesday.
• Drake – Drizzy and Jas Prince – the Houston TX native who discovered him — are hosting a pop-up event called ‘The Ballet’ that kicks off Thursday and runs through Super Bowl Sunday at Mercy Nightclub in Houston. Today a final casting call for exotic dancers is being held.
• Elton John – He’s signed up to write songs for a stage musical based on “The Devil Wears Prada”, the best-selling 2003 novel that became a hit Meryl Streep film. Elton’s previous stage work includes “Billy Elliot” and a musical based on Verdi’s opera “Aida”. Quote: “I can’t wait to sink my musical teeth into this hunk of popular culture.”
• Justin Bieber – He took part in the National Hockey League “All-Star Celebrity Shootout” at LA’s Staples Center on Saturday. He got a taste of the real deal as NHL veteran Chris Pronger gave him a full-on body check and pinned him against the boards … while laughing.
• Katy Perry – Fashion model Miranda Kerr tells “People” her son via Orlando Bloom loves Bloom’s new girlfriend. Katy is dating Miranda’s ex and 6-year-old Flynn is said to have a great relationship with her. Orlando (40) and Katy (32) have been dating for over a year.
• Neil Young – He’s set to induct his pals Pearl Jam into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on April 7th. Pearl Jam served as the backing band on his 1995 album “Mirror Ball”. Meanwhile, Jackson Browne is inducting Joan Baez, and Rush salutes rockers Yes at the NYC ceremony.
• Selena Gomez / The Weeknd – The new couple popped up Friday in Florence, Italy where they took in art at the famed Uffizi Gallery. About 20 people waiting to get in were reportedly pushed aside to make way for the threesome … they had at least one bodyguard with them.

Scientists have found a way to reintroduce a key ingredient into mass-produced tomatoes … taste. Let’s face it, today’s supermarket tomatoes are nearly unrecognizable from what tomatoes used to look and taste like. They’re much larger and can last ages without rotting, but they’ve also lost their tomato-y taste. Researchers studying nearly 400 varieties have discovered at least 25 chemicals and aroma compounds that combine to create what we think of as tomato flavor. 13 of these are significantly reduced in modern tomato varieties. The researchers believe they can use this knowledge to breed tomatoes that taste as good as they used to in olden days. (Or you could just grow your own that aren’t pink and plastic-y.)
– “The Smithsonian”

The antithesis to December’s engagement season, divorce filings begin to spike in January, peaking in February and March. A top divorce lawyer breaks down a few of the signs your marriage may be in crisis …
✗ Your expectations of marriage aren’t being met.
✗ You’re fighting over money.
✗ You stop talking completely.
Though the numbers look different for every couple, divorce typically costs between $15,000 and $20,000 – not too far away from the $32,000 price tag of the average wedding. Marriage counseling is recommended for any couple considering a divorce – not only is it cheaper, it can potentially spare you the emotional cost as well. (The wife says our love-life is like a news bulletin … brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster.)
– “Business Insider”

Snack-maker Frito-Lay isn’t dropping $1 million-plus on a Tostitos TV ad this year, but it’s still getting in on the marketing hype around the Super Bowl. The ‘official chip’ of Super Bowl 51 has created a limited run of ‘Party Safe’ chip bags that tell you if you’ve been drinking too much. The battery-powered bag has a blue circle on it’s surface that light’s up. If you blow in the bag and it glows green, you’re good to go. But if the makeshift breathalyzer glows red, you’re over the limit. An additional display shows an Uber coupon code and a big notice reading “Don’t drink and drive.” (If you won’t listen to your friends, are you really going to be OK taking instructions from a chip bag?)

Hate working the day after the Super Bowl? You have an ally in Kraft Heinz. The food giant wants the day after the big game to be a legal holiday. It’s giving all of its salaried employees the day off on February 6th after Super Bowl 51. Research shows that more than 16 million people call in sick the day after the big game, which costs about $1 billion in lost productivity. And many of those who do show up for work are tired, hungover, or just plain cranky. Kraft Heinz has launched an online petition to create a new statutory holiday it calls ‘Smunday’, which extends Sunday’s Super Bowl fun into Monday. If the petition gets 100,000 signatures, Kraft Heinz promises to send it to Congress. (And we’re sure lawmakers will get right on it.)
– “Chicago Tribune”

• Antarctica has the highest average IQ of people compared to all other continents. Think about it … who’s there besides a bunch of egghead scientists?
• Yes, Donald Trump is a master at Twitter, but he’s not the world’s first tweeter-in-chief. That title goes to late Venezuelan leader Hugo Chávez, who was president of the country 2002-13.


1951 [66] Phil Collins, London UK, 5′-5″ classic rocker (“Another Day in Paradise”, “Genesis-“Invisible Touch”)/”Not Dead Yet” comeback tour begins June 25th in Dublin, Ireland

1974 [43] Christian Bale, Haverfordwest, Wales, movie actor (“The Big Short”, “American Hustle”)

1974 [43] Carl Broemel, Indianapolis IN, rock guitarist (My Morning Jacket-“I’m Amazed”, “Big Decisions”)

1980 [37] Josh Kelley, Augusta GA, pop-country singer (“Only You”, “Amazing”)/brother of Lady Antebellum singer Charles Kelley/wed to actress Katherine Heigl since 2006

1980 [37] Wilmer Valderrama, Miami FL, TV actor (‘Special Agent Nick Torres’ on “NCIS” since 2016, “That ’70s Show” 1998-2006)

1984 [33] Kid Cudi (Scott Mescudi), Cleveland OH, rapper (w/Kanye West-“All Of the Lights”, “Day ‘n Nite”)

• “Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day”, observed annually on the last Monday of January to celebrate the padding we all like to pop.
Don’t have any addictive bubble wrap with you? Try some virtual popping here …
Or play music on this bubble wrap keyboard …

• “Croissant Day”, the first step of which is being able to say the French word. It’s not ‘CROY-sent’, it’s ‘cwah-SAHN’.

• “Inane Voicemail Message Day”, a time to change, shorten, replace, or delete that annoying voicemail message … which you likely recorded on Day One and then never altered.

2015 [02] Record producer Suge Knight is arrested in LA on suspicion of murder the day after a hit-and-run incident (he allegedly had a beef with 2 men on the set of “Straight Outta Compton”, then later ran them down with his truck)

2013 [04] Mick Jagger is named ‘Most Stylish Rock Star of All-Time’ by lifestyle website

2016 [01] David Bowie’s final will is filed in NYC (half his estate, valued at about $100 million, goes to his widow Iman)

2010 [07] “Avatar” becomes the 1st movie to gross over $2 billion worldwide (eventually amasses $2.8 billion)

2011 [06] Over half-a-million people participate in the ‘World’s Largest Wildlife Survey’ after extreme cold drives non-native birds into Britain’s backyards

[Tues] Inspire Your Heart with Art Day
[Tues] Street Children Day
[Wed] Change Your Password Day
[Wed] Girls & Women in Sports Day
[Wed] Spunky Old Broads Day

Catholic Schools Week / Children’s Authors & Illustrators Week / Meat Week / Tax Identity Theft Week


Highlight bits culled from 23 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• China – Women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.
• Saudi Arabia – Male doctors may not examine women and female doctors cannot examine men. Of course, that’s because women may not become doctors.
• England – No boy under the age of 10 may see a naked mannequin.
• Mexico – Any kind of nude artistic display is illegal.
• Singapore – You may not walk around naked while in your home. It is considered to be pornography.
• Canada – It is illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft.
• Thailand – You must wear a shirt while driving a car. It is also illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
• Qatar – If a naked Muslim woman is surprised by a man while bathing or dressing, she must first cover her face, not her body.
– First published in “BS” 2003.

• Learn a musical instrument. For the best effect, make it drums.
• Take her to a karaoke bar and sing Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” … in German. Just don’t get the giggles over “Fahrt mit dem Bus, Gus”.
• During grocery shopping together, backward bunny-hop around the supermarket like Taylor Swift in “Shake It Off”.
• Sign her up for the daily newsletter from Scientology.
• Read Proust in French. Aloud. Ideally, while together on public transit.
• Take him out for dinner and spontaneously perform the Heimlich manoeuver on him … before the meal arrives.
• After she’s spent a year and several hundred dollars going blond, ask if she’d consider becoming a redhead.
– First published in “BS” 2015.

Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

☎ The best Super Bowl halftime show ever was …?

Question: On average, THIS happens at work twice a year.
Answer: Collections for office parties.

Stupidity is self-correcting.

Albert Cocchi @ Coyote Country 99.1 Mesa AZ; Joyce @ Real Country 104.9 [CFHI] Hinton AB; Giselle Andres @ Easy 93.1 [WFEZ] Miami FL; Kenny Jensen @ P7 Mix, Klampenborg, Denmark; and Jimmy McBride @ Thunder 104.3 [WZTR] Dahlonega GA.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s “BS”!

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