Thursday, January 31, 2013           Edition: #4916

Monthly Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue!

A spokesperson confirms that 44-year-old actress Ashley Judd & her 39-year-old Scottish race car driver-husband Dario Franchitti have split after an 11-year marriage, saying they will ‘continue to cherish their relationship based on special love, integrity and respect’ (BS translation: They’ve been sleeping in separate beds for years) . . . “Saturday Night Live” alum and “Parks and Recreation” star Amy Poehler is writing an as-yet-untitled memoir, tentatively scheduled for a Fall 2014 release, described as ‘an illustrated diary full of humor and honesty and brimming with true stories’ (save some space on your shelf next to Tina Fey’s “Bossypants”) . . . Speaking of whom, Tina Fey says she has no intention of slowing down now that “30 Rock” is ending; she’s going to London in March to film the next “Muppets” movie and hopes to shoot a movie called “Mail Order Groom” this Summer with Steve Carell (her co-star in 2010’s “Date Night”) . . . 83-year-old journalist and “The View” co-host Barbara Walters has been discharged from a NYC hospital after receiving treatment for chicken pox, which came after a severe fever, which came after she fell and cut her forehead while in Washington DC to cover the presidential inauguration (is her body telling her it’s finally time to slow down?) . . . It’s a few decades too late, but former record company exec Tommy Mottola says in his new book “Hitmaker: The Man & His Music” that his marriage to Mariah Carey was ‘wrong and inappropriate’ and admits ‘I should have maintained my distance’ (seems he was just laying the goose with the golden egg … or something like that).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Auditions continue.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tegan & Sara (“Heartthrob”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Regina Spektor (“What We Saw From the Cheap Seats”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Graham Parker (“Three Chords Good”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (“The Heist”).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Train (“California 37”).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Aaron Neville (“My True Story”).
• “30 Rock” (NBC/CityTV) – 1-hour series finalé, “Hogcock!”/”Last Lunch”. As ‘Liz’ rallies the gang together for one final episode, she struggles with her new role as a stay-at-home mom.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Lisa Loeb (“No Fairy Tale”).

• Carla Bruni – The 45-year-old former First Lady of France (Mrs Nicolas Sarkozy) has returned to the music biz and is releasing the new album “Little French Songs” on April 1st. It  includes the track “Chez Keith et Anita”, reminiscing about drug-fueled parties with the Rolling Stones.
• The Doors – Drummer John Densmore is writing a tell-all book entitled “The Doors: Unhinged – Jim Morrison’s Legacy Goes on Trial”. (Subtitled: “The Bitter Rantings Of an Old Man”.)
• Eric Clapton – “Rolling Stone” reports he’s releasing his 21st studio album on March 12th. It’s entitled “Old Sock”. (Well, that’s enticing, ain’t it?)
• Ke$ha – She has a new reality TV series that promises to document the ‘drama, madness and euphoria’ of her professional and personal life. “Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life” premieres on MTV in April.
• Lady Antebellum – This week they’ve made the highest chart debut in their 7-year career with the release of “Downtown”, from their upcoming 4th studio album.
• Sound City Players – Tonight at LA’s Hollywood Paladium, there’s a 2nd concert by Dave Grohl’s all-star band that was assembled for his “Sound City” documentary. The film has a number of one-night-only screenings in select movie theaters tonight as well.
• Soundgarden – Seemingly everywhere these days, Dave Grohl has directed the video for their new single “By Crooked Steps”, from their comeback album “King Animal”. The clip features the band as a Segway-riding, leather-clad gang.
• Taylor Swift – She’s just inked a new deal with Diet Coke, calling it one of the ‘great loves’ of her life. (Until she opens a can that’s gone flat one day and writes an angry song about it.)
•  Zac Brown Band – They’ll perform in the pre-race show at the 55th annual “Daytona 500”, the biggest stock car race in the world. The flag drops at Florida’s Daytona International Speedway on February 24th.

11-time surfing world champion Kelly Slater from Cocoa Beach, Florida wants to build donut-shaped pools that allow you to surf forever. He’s been working on the project for a few years, seeking to perfect an infinite wave simulator. The resulting 5-million-gallon circular tank uses a hydrofoil-generated mechanism to produce a variety of swells to accommodate surfers of all abilities, from beginners to experts. His surf pools are expected to be featured at resorts and theme parks. While the exact location of the first is still being determined, Australia seems the most likely candidate. (Imagine the waiver you’ll have to sign before trying this!)

As anyone who’s ever had a toddler can verify, some problems are overwhelming to a kid just learning how the world works. Such as …
• The car seat is weird.
• He’s not allowed in the oven.
• Her brother looked at her (or her brother didn’t look at her).
• His hair is heavy.
• Her sleeve is touching her thumb.
• A balloon she got 6 months ago is missing.
• A puzzle piece won’t fit in upside down.
• A shoe should fit either foot.
• The cat won’t let her touch its eyeball.
• The inside of his cheek feels rough.
• The yogurt won’t stay on the spoon.
• Everything is too hot.
• The inside of his nose stinks.

In the Philippines, the word ‘gigil’ describes ‘the urge to pinch or squeeze something that is unbearably cute’. As no such word exists in English, Yale University researchers have come up with their own term … ‘cute aggression’. Turns out it’s not only a real phenomenon, it’s quantifiable. In experiments, participants were asked to rank images of animals with phrases like “That’s cute!”, “I can’t handle it!”, and the more aggressive “I want to squeeze something!”. The results are clear … the cuter the animal, the more ‘cute aggressive’ the response. (Apparently Chris Brown found Frank Ocean so cute, he punched him in the head!)

Several languages, including Latin and Chinese, do not have a word for ‘no’. (Perhaps explaining how there came to be so many Chinese?)
– “The Book of Marvels”


1970 [43] Minnie (Amelia) Driver, London UK, movie actress (“Phantom Of the Opera”, “Good Will Hunting”)/TV actress (“The Riches” 2007-08)

1973 [40] Portia DeRossi (Amanda Lee Rogers), Horsham, Australia, TV actress (“Arrested Development” 2003-06/2013, “Ally McBeal” 1998-2002)/Ellen DeGeneres’ partner since 2004

1977 [36] Bobby Moynihan, Eastchester NY, TV comic (“Saturday Night Live” since 2008)

1977 [36] Kerry Washington, Bronx NY, movie actress (“Django Unchained”, “Ray”)

1981 [32] Justin Timberlake, Memphis TN, pop singer (“Suit & Tie”, “SexyBack”)/former boy-band singer (*NSYNC-“Girlfriend”)/movie actor (“The Social Network”)

1984 [29] Vernon Davis, Washington DC, NFL football tight end (Super Bowl-bound San Francisco 49ers)

1987 [26] Marcus Mumford, Yorba Linda CA [raised London UK], folk rock singer-musician (Mumford & Sons-“I Will Wait”, “Little Lion Man”)

1992 [21] Tyler Seguin, Brampton ON, NHL hockey forward (Boston Bruins)

• “Backward Day”, a day to relieve Winter blahs by doing everything backwards, ie: calling people by their last name, eating meals in reverse, signing off your show at the beginning, etc.

• “Brandy Alexander Day”, saluting the classic dessert drink that combines brandy with dark crème de cacao in a silky blend often likened to an alcoholic milkshake.

• “Gorilla Suit Day”, an annual observance when people around-the-world are encouraged to get their gorilla suits out of the closet, put them on, and go door-to-door. The idea originated in fiction, a 1963 story by “Mad Magazine” cartoonist Don Martin.

• “Inspire Your Heart With Art Day”. Apparently if you’re admitted to the ER today, instead of defibrilator paddles, they’ll be strapping a Renoir on your chest.

• “Kazoo Day”, celebrated annually on the last Thursday of January. The simple-to-play musical instrument first went into commercial production in 1912. A really bad kazoo band playing the Rolling Stones’ “Miss You” can be heard here …

• “Play an Old Game You Haven’t Played in Years Night”. Maybe Yahztee, Scrabble, Monopoly, Canasta, Hungry Hippo … Strip Poker?

2005 [08] On “Late Show” (CBS), David Letterman delivers a monologue written by former “Tonight Show” star Johnny Carson, in honor of his passing

2007 [06] Blinking electronic devices planted around Boston, Massachusetts that throw a scare into citizens turn out to be guerilla marketing for late-night cable TV cartoon “Aqua Teen Hunger Force”

1963 [50] 17-year-old singer-guitarist Neil Young makes his stage debut at a country club in Winnipeg, Manitoba

1993 [20] Michael Jackson performs with 3,500 children at the Superbowl 27 halftime show in Pasadena, California

1928 [85] ‘Scotch Tape’ is 1st marketed by 3M (without inventor Richard Drew, we’d still be wrapping up gifts with rope!)

1992 [21] Keith Witt cleans 3 standard office windows with a squeegee in a Guinness World Record time of 10.13 seconds at the International Window Cleaning Association convention in San Antonio, Texas

[Feb 1] “Bullet To the Head”; “Warm Bodies” open in movie theaters / Working Naked Day / Bubble Gum Day / Car Insurance Day / GI Joe Day / Give Kids a Smile Day / Robinson Crusoe Day / Spunky Old Broads Day / Wear Red Day
[Feb 2] Groundhog Day / Candelmas (Christian) / Crêpe Day (aka La Chandeleur) / Ice Cream For Breakfast Day / Hedgehog Day / Sled Dog Day / Take Your Child To the Library Day / Play Your Ukulele Day / World Wetlands Day
[Feb 3] Super Bowl 47 / Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
[Feb 4] Liberace Day / USO Day / World Cancer Day / Royal Canadian Mint quits distributing pennies
[Feb 5] “Smash” season debut (NBC) / Weather Forecasters Day / Western Monarch Day / World Nutella Day
[Feb 6] Digital Learning Day / Girls & Women in Sports Day
[Feb 7] “Community” season debut (NBC) / Ballet Day / Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbors Day
[Feb 8] “Identity Thief”; “Side Effects”; “Top Gun” (IMAX 3D) open in movie theaters / 2013 MusiCares Person Of the Year (Los Angeles) / Boy Scout Anniversary Day / Laugh & Get Rich Day / Opera Day
[Feb 9] CommuniCon begins (Los Angeles) /  Stop Bullying Day / Read In the Bathtub Day
[Feb 10] Chinese New Year / “55th Grammy Awards” (CBS) / British Academy Film Awards (London) / Shrovetide begins (Christian) / World Marriage Day
[Feb 11] “BET Honors 2013” air (BET) / Pro Sports Wives Day / Shut-in Visitation Day / Satisfied Staying Single Day / Clean Out Your Computer Day / Westminster Dog Show begins (NYC)
[Feb 12] Pancake Day (aka Shrove Tuesday, Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras) / Extraterrestrial Visitor Day / NAACP Day / Paul Bunyan Day
[Feb 13] “A Good Day to Die Hard” opens in movie theaters / Ash Wednesday / Lent begins (Christian) / Employee Legal Awareness Day / Get a Different Name Day
[Feb 14] Valentines Day / “Beautiful Creatures”; “Escape From Planet Earth”; “Safe Haven” open in movie theaters / Ferris Wheel Day / Pet Theft Awareness Day / Library Lovers Day / Have A Heart Day / Condom Day / Women’s Heart Health Day / Call In Single Day / Quirky Alone Day
[Feb 15] National Flag of Canada Day / Hippo Day / Gumdrop Day
[Feb 16] “Beyoncé: Life Is But a Dream” premieres (HBO) / London Fashion Week begins (UK) / Innovation Day
[Feb 17] PTA Founders Day / World Human Spirit Day
[Feb 18] Presidents Day (USA) / Family Day (AB/ON/SK) / Louis Riel Day (MB) / Battery Day
[Feb 19] Chocolate Mint Day / Single Tasking Day
[Feb 20] BRIT Awards (London) / Love Your Pet Day / Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day / World Day for Social Justice
[Feb 21] International Mother Language Day / Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day
[Feb 22] “Dark Skies”; “Snitch” open in movie theaters / Razzie Awards (Los Angeles) / Margarita Day / World Thinking Day
[Feb 23] Curling is Cool Day / Diesel Engine Day / International Sword Swallowers Day / Open That Bottle Night / Purim (Jewish)
[Feb 24] “85th Academy Awards” (ABC) / Daytona 500
[Feb 25] Full ‘Snow’ Moon
[Feb 26] Personal Chefs Day / For Pete’s Sake Day / World Spay Day
[Feb 27] Inconvenience Yourself Day
[Feb 28] Floral Design Day / Chili Day / Tooth Fairy Day / Rare Disease Day


• “I came here to make friends, not to win.”
• “With this project, we bit off exactly the right amount to chew.”
• “I’m here to find someone to have casual sex with.”
• “This basement will make a great woman-cave for you, honey.”
• “This is not at all dangerous. I know exactly how it’s going to turn out.”
• “What’s great about this recipe is that it’s impossible to do at home. If you try, it will take all day and require ingredients that are simply not available from your local grocery.”
• “He did not have near enough alcohol to drink.”
• “My obesity bolsters my self-esteem.”
• “This stunt should be tried at home. We are not professionals.”
• “Winning this competition will not change your life in any meaningful way.”
– Thanks to Jason Guder.

Enjoy me, I may never pass this way again.

Which do sleeping ducks do, according to Indiana State University research?
a. Quack in their sleep.
b. Sleep with one eye open. [CORRECT, at least those on the outer edges of a group. Those in the center confidently close both eyes.]
c. Snore.

☎ What’s the absolute weirdest herbal or natural cure you’ve ever tried? Did it work?

Question: The fastest of THESE travel at 59-feet-per-second.
Answer: Elevators.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

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