Tuesday, January 4, 2011        Edition: #4417
Sheet Happens!

24-year-old famous person Lindsay Lohan was scheduled to leave rehab yesterday and will apparently be staying at a secret location with family until she qualifies for unsupervised probation on February 25th (hang onto your Betty Ford room key, hon’) . . . After a tough couple of months, 39-year-old actor David Arquette, who separated from actress-wife Courteney Cox in October, has entered a rehab program to deal with ‘alcohol and other issues’ (such as ineptitude) . . . Meantime, estranged wife Cox has publicly offered her ‘love and support’ and commended his choice to ‘take charge and better his life’ (BS translation: That’ll keep you off the Stern show, you creep) . . . 59-year-old rocker John Mellencamp, who just split from his wife of 18 years, has been spotted hanging out with 49-year-old movie actress Meg Ryan (he apparently has a fetish for duck lips) . . . Wacky 58-year-old movie actor Mickey Rourke is planning to have his 2 front teeth removed so he can realistically portray gap-toothed Welsh rugby player Gareth Thomas in a bio-film about the first openly gay rugby star (dude, they could do it digitally!) . . . 61-year-old producer/musician David Foster (Celine Dion, Josh Groban, Michael Buble, etc) has proposed to his Dutch model-girlfriend Yolanda Hadid with a humongous 14-carat diamond ring, asking her to become his 4th wife (apparently there’s a lot of moolah in the schmaltz biz) . . . And experts at the National Aeronautics & Space Administration (NASA) have put together a list of the least plausible sci-fi films ever made, and the big-budget 2009 pic “2012” has come out on top, just ahead of 2 other ‘end-of-the-world’ movies – 2003’s “The Core” and 1998’s “Armageddon” (and just about any ‘epic’ starring Nic Cage).

• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Neon Trees (“Habits”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – She & Him (“Volume Two”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Local Natives (“Gorilla Manor”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – Tim McGraw (“Number One Hits”); Keri Hilson (“No Boys Allowed”).
• “Live to Dance” (CBS) – In this series premiere, former “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul is back with a dance competition in which any age, any style, any type of act has a chance to win $500,000.
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Sheryl Crow (“Icon: Sheryl Crow”, released today).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Natalie Cole (“Still Unforgettable”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Jazmine Sullivan (“Love Me Back”).

• Elton John – His new baby son Zachary is said to be ‘living like royalty’ in his own $2-million apartment adjoining the singer’s LA home. A top Hollywood interior designer was reportedly hired to create the dream nursery.
• Jay-Z – His Tony Award-winning Broadway musical “Fela!”, about famed musician-activist Fela Kuti, closed on Broadway Sunday night after 13 months and is now heading to Kuti’s native Nigeria to play in the capital city of Lagos.
• Miranda Lambert – Like many of us, she’s trying to shed pounds in 2011. In the new edition of “Us Weekly” she says she’s doing it by staying away from ‘white foods’ – eating no mayonnaise, no potatoes, no bread; just vegetables and meat.
• Muse – The Brit rockers want to become the first band to perform in space and to that end are considering approaching tycoon Richard Branson to allow them to travel on his Virgin Galactic plane, which is scheduled to take well-heeled passengers into space within the next decade.
• Tim McGraw – He & the Dancehall Doctors will kick off the “Emotional Traffic Tour” this Spring, featuring special guests Luke Bryan and the Band Perry. Dates for the North American trek will be announced shortly.

• “Dinner for Schmucks” ( R-Rated Comedy ): Paul Rudd & Steve Carell star in the story of a rising executive who competes in his boss’ malicious contest to see who can bring the nerdiest guest to dinner. Co-stars Zach Galifianakis. Based on the 1998 French film farce “The Dinner Game”.
• “The Last Exorcism” ( PG-13 Horror Thriller ): Patrick Fabian & Ashley Bell star in the story of a troubled evangelical minister who agrees to let his last exorcism be filmed by a documentary crew, during which a possessed young woman brings him face-to-face with the devil himself. Vaguely inspired by the 1973 horror hit “The Exorcist”.
• “Machete” ( R-Rated Crime Thriller ): Robert Rodriguez’ latest is based on his fake trailer from the 2007 double feature “Grindhouse”. Danny Trejo plays an ex-Federalé cop in Mexico who launches a brutal campaign of revenge against those who double-crossed him. Supporting cast includes Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, Michelle Rodriguez, Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal.
• Also released today: “Big Love: The Complete 4th Season” (TV); “Life Unexpected: The Complete 1st Season” (TV); “Mannix: The 4th Season” (Vintage TV); and “The Ricky Gervais Show: The Complete 1st Season” (TV).

Seems playing ‘hard to get’ works! Keeping someone in the dark about how much you like them increases how much they think about you and piques their interest, according to new research in the journal “Psychological Science”. That’s apparently because when we’re uncertain about an important outcome, we can hardly think about anything else. Whereas we may be very pleased that someone likes us, but once we become certain of it, we begin constructing explanations as to why and the attraction loses some of its force. (Just like show biz … always keep them wanting more!)
– Miller-McCune.com

A pair of self-described French aristocrats have launched a high-end condom company that aims to offer customers protection as well as prestige. The masterminds behind ‘The Original Condom Company’ say there is a demand for classier prophylactics in the same way there is a demand for luxury brands like Rolls Royce, Cartier, and Dior. Their product comes in suede-lined black boxes inspired by jewelry packaging, each containing 3 prophylactics for $13.50, or 6 for $20. Customers can buy refills for $2 apiece. The fancy condoms are already on sale online and will become available at high-end retailers and hotels later this month. (Actually, the most expensive condom is … one that breaks.)
– AOL News

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 78% of women say their partner forgets to cap the toothpaste several times a month. (About 31 times as a matter of fact.)
• 70% of dieters say their biggest obstacle is … they’re hungry! (Somehow an entire stalk of celery just isn’t doing it.)
• 51% of us can introduce ourselves in another language. (Buenos dias. I am zee Bull.)
• 44% of men admit they’ve made a fool of themselves trying to open a bottle of wine in front of a woman. (Sorry about the black eye!)
• 31% of us say we know a woman who has proposed marriage to a man. (Also known as ‘delivering the ultimatum’.)
• 25% of married couples no longer sleep in the same bed. (Many of them not even in the same house.)

Conservatives may be born not made! A new University College London study suggests that people with right-wing views have a larger area of the brain associated with fear, anxiety, and emotions (the amygdala). On the other hand, brain scans seem to show that conservatives have a smaller area at the front of the brain (the anterior cingulate) that’s associated with courage and looking on the bright side of life. (So to sum up: Conservatives are anxious and fearfully depressed cowards … sound about right?)
– Telegraph.co.uk

British air charter company Mile High Flights, which offers amorous couples – and on one occasion a threesome – the chance to book a plane specifically to join the so-called ‘mile high club’ has been grounded after the Civil Aviation Authority refused to renew its licence, ruling the practice is too distracting for pilots. It’s been operating the flights from Gloucestershire Airport for the past 2 years in a small Cessna aircraft with a bedroom area curtained off from the cockpit. Customers have been paying about $1,000 for the experience and a ‘Certificate of Initiation’. The CAA insists it has ‘cast no moral judgements’ and claims safety fears are the sole reason for its decision. (Now the company’s screwed and its future is up in the air.)
– Metro.co.uk

Real but really weirdly-named videogames that have actually been marketed …
• “Tongue Of the Fatman” (Activision-1989)
• “Wargasm” (Infogrames-1998)
• “Booby Kids” (NES-1987)
• “Iggy’s Reckin’ Balls” (N64-1998)
• “Panic Restaurant” (NES-1992)
• “Wild Woody” (Sega-1995)
• “Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom” (NES-1990)
• “Ninja Hamster” (Commodore 64-1984)
– Oddee.com

A farm laborer in India’s Haryana state claims to have fathered a child … at the age of 94. Pension records substantiate Ramajit Raghav’s age, while his wife Shakuntala, who bore him the son, claims to be in her mid-50s. When asked the secret behind his long life, Raghav cites his daily diet of 3 kg (6.6 lbs) of milk, a half-kilo (1.1 lbs) of almonds, and a half-kilo of ghee … clarified butter. (Erp!)
– “Times of India”

• The Frisbee was originally called the ‘Pluto Platter’.
• The Barbie doll has had 125 careers since 1959.
• 50% of a jumbo jet can be recycled.
• Fried tarantula tastes like liver.
• The average person spends around 15 hours, 45 minutes awake per day.
• Men’s waistbands reach their highest point at the age of 57, just 7 inches below the armpit.
– “BBC News Magazine”


1960 [51] Michael Stipe, Decatur GA, classic rock singer/songwriter (REM-“Everybody Hurts”, “Losing My Religion”)

1963 [48] Dave Foley, Toronto ON, movie actor (“Cars”, “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut”)/TV actor (“Death Comes to Town” 2010, “Newsradio” 1995-99, “Kids In the Hall” 1989-94)

1966 [45] Deana Carter, Nashville TN, country singer (“How Do I Get There”, “Strawberry Wine”)

• “Elizabeth Ann Seton Feast Day” (1174-1821), celebrating the first American-born saint. The legacy she left now includes 6 religious communities with more than 5,000 members, hundreds of schools, social service centers, and hospitals throughout America and around-the-world.

• “Short People Day”, marking the birthday of 25-in (64-cm) circus midget ‘General Tom Thumb’ on this day in 1838.

• “Trivia Day”, honoring those with ‘doctorates in uselessology’. For a switch, try playing ‘Stump the Chump’, where listeners call in questions for YOU to answer.

• “World Braille Day”, observed on the anniversary of the 1809 birth of Louis Braille of France. In 1829, he published “Method of Writing Words, Music & Plain Song by Means of Dots, for Use By the Blind”. Today, the ‘Braille method’ is used in virtually every language as the standard form of reading & writing by those with vision loss.
NET: http://www.cnib.ca/en/living/braille/louis-braille

• “World Hypnotism Day”, with the objective of correcting the myths and misconceptions about hypnotism while promoting the  truth and benefits of the process that helps many put aside fears, and change what they believed was unchangeable. (Not to mention bark like a dog.)
NET: http://www.worldhypnotismday.com

1981 [30] The Broadway production “Frankenstein” opens & closes on the same night, causing a reported loss of $2 million (will “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” beat this?)

1991 [20] 1st recording artist to release 7 singles from 1 album (Janet Jackson-“Rhythm Nation 1814”)

1910 [101] The ‘Blender’ is invented (next day, the pina colada is invented!)

2010 [01] The Burj Khalifa, ‘World’s Tallest Building’ (828 m/2,717 ft), is officially opened in Dubai UAE

[Wed] “World Junior Hockey Championship” final (TSN)
[Wed] “People’s Choice Awards” (CBS)
[Wed] Bean Day
[Thurs] “Jersey Shore: Season 3” premiere (MTV)
[Thurs] Armenian Christmas
[Thurs] Epiphany or Twelfth Night
[Fri] “Season Of the Witch” opens in movie theaters

Celebration of Life Week / Diet Resolution Week / Home Office Safety & Security Week / Lose Weight, Feel Great Week / New Year’s Resolutions Week / Someday We’ll Laugh About This Week / Women’s Self-Empowerment Week


• “Baby Conceived Naturally!”
• “Apparently It Wasn’t the Cigarettes — It Was the Ashtrays”
• “Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen!”
• “Sister Lohan Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Who Overcame Lurid Past in Hollywood”
• “50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight-Loss”
• “Construction Begins On Afghanistan War Memorial”
• “Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife”
• “National Zoo to Receive Rare Cow!”

It’s a tough job … so I’d rather you do it.

You will be given enough money to afford one single luxury that you currently don’t have. Which will you pick? [In a recent survey most picked ‘having a butler or maid’ (20%); followed by ‘getting as much sleep as you want’ (18%); and ‘having a personal trainer (13%).]

Collect all the leftover prizes in the promo office and package them together for goofy giveaways. The badder, the better: A concert ticket from last June, CDs no one wants, ugly T-shirts … you’ll be surprised at the ‘treasures’ you’ll find!

Today’s Question: Getting one of THESE may boost your immune system.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A massage. (Researchers at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in LA found measurable changes in hormones, chemicals, and blood cells that increase the body’s immune function.)

Money can’t buy you happiness … but neither can poverty.

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