Wednesday, January 29, 2020        Edition: #6622

We Give a Sheet!

★ Meghan Markle’s estranged dad has challenged Prince Harry to “man up” and finally meet him. 75-year-old Thomas Markle told “Good Morning Britain” that he would be “happy to duel” with his “candy ass” and “whipped” royal son-in-law, and that Harry should “Man up and fly down and see me.” That was one of a series of extraordinary interviews he hopes will reach the royal couple after their, what he calls “embarrassing Megxit.”
★ Monty Python legend Terry Jones has donated his brain to dementia researchers, following his death last Tuesday. Jones’ family has confirmed that his brain has been added to the bank at the Institute of Neurology, part of University College London, where he was treated after he was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia in 2015. A spokesperson from the college said that the brain will be used to confirm that his diagnosis was correct, and that some brain tissue will be “sent around the world to be studied by researchers.”
★ David Schwimmer has suggested an ”all-black or all-Asian” reboot of “Friends” should be made. Schwimmer, who played ‘Ross Geller’ in the sitcom, told a newspaper reporter that he ”doesn’t think it’s possible” to revive the program with his former co-stars, given ”everyone’s different career trajectories”, but he believes a new version of the show could work. He also said that he was ”well aware of the lack of diversity” in the show, and he used to campaign for Ross to date women of color.
★ It has just come out that “Coronation Street” actor Neville Buswell died last month at the age of 76. Buswell was best known for playing troublemaker ‘Ray Langton’ in the long-running British soap. He joined Coronation Street in 1966 and left the show later that year. He returned in 1968 and remained for a decade, before being written out of the show when his character abandoned his family and moved to the Netherlands. An obituary says that he died on Christmas Day.

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Jessica Simpson, Lakeith Stanfield, Orville Peck
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Blake Lively, Jameela Jamil, Roddy Ricch
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Steve Martin, the Steep Canyon Rangers
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Kristen Bell, Desus & Mero, Little Big Town, Chris Coleman
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Kumail Nanjiani, Dan Levy, Celeste
• “Lights Out with David Spade” (COMEDY): Christina Pazsitzky, Preacher Lawson, Moshe Kasher
• “Conan” (TBS): Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Ray Harrington
• “Watch What Happens Live” (Bravo): Meghan McCain, Melissa Gorga
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Alan Dershowitz, Ilana Glazer
• “The Talk” (CBS): Billy Ray Cyrus
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Antonio Banderas
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Hoda Kotb, Lior Suchard
• “The Kelly Clarkson Show” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): Kirsten Dunst, Chris Sullivan, Danielle Kartes
• “Harry & Meghan: The Royals in Crisis” (FOX): An exploration of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s unprecedented decision to step away from the royal family.
• “Super Bowl Greatest Commercials 2020” (CBS): Boomer Esiason and Daniela Ruah host a countdown of the best Super Bowl commercials; Kevin Frazier is joined by special guests to report on the latest Super Bowl week buzz.


• Lizzo – has been announced as the Saturday headliner for this year’s 15th anniversary edition of Osheaga festival, running July 31-Aug. 2 in Montreal, PQ. Foo Fighters and Kendrick Lamar will headline the other two days, with the rest of the lineup expected to be announced soon.
• Selena Gomez – says that her hit ‘Lose You To Love Me’ was inspired by her on-off relationship with Justin Bieber. In an interview, she said that she felt abused emotionally as Bieber’s girlfriend, adding, “It’s dangerous to stay in a victim mentality… I’m not being disrespectful (but) I do feel I was a victim to certain abuse.”
• Kanye West — held a special midnight Sunday Service to pay tribute to Kobe Bryant following news of his death. Video shows West freestyling a rap dedicated to Bryant, in which he says he ”broke down” after hearing the tragic news.
• Ozzy Osbourne – During the “Red Carpet Live” program ahead of the Grammys, he said: “This last year has been hell for me”, after neck surgery and a Parkinson’s diagnosis. But he is still planning to kick off his tour on May 27, if his health allows: “I’m having physical therapy every day, five days a week. I’m trying, doing the best I can.”
• Aerosmith – have announced a huge a 50th Anniversary show in their hometown. The show, billed under the banner “Bad Boys Of Boston”, will take place at historic Fenway Park on September 18. Fellow Bostonians Extreme will open.
• Jon Bon Jovi — made an unannounced guest appearance with Billy Joel at New York’s Madison Square Garden on Saturday. He joined the Piano Man for renditions of ‘It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me’ and ‘Big Shot’.
• Lauren Alaina – has a busy year planned. In addition to headlining her “That Girl Was Me Tour”, she will be releasing a new EP later this year. She’ll also join Blake Shelton next month on his “Friends and Heroes Tour”.
• Blake Shelton – despite the fact that he and girlfriend Gwen Stefani are riding high on the charts with their duet ‘Nobody But You’, he told Ryan Seacrest at the Grammys that the two don’t have plans to record a full album together. Stefani agreed, saying: “I don’t think so, either. But we have done a lot of music together, actually. We wrote two songs together — that’s a lot. Because he never does that.”

Most traffic jams are unnecessary, according to some mathematicians who specialize in traffic flow. Alexander Krylatov, a mathematics professor at St. Petersburg University, has written a new book of math-based approaches to traffic control and new ways to implement them (Long title…you don’t care). In it, he says that many of today’s local transport engineers only manage to achieve traffic improvements in one area by diverting traffic jams to other places. According to Krylatov, here is what we need to do:
1. All drivers need to be on the same navigation system: Cars can only be efficiently rerouted if instructions come from one center hub. (I vote for [***THIS STATION’S***] traffic reports…)
2. Parking bans:  Many urban roads are too narrow and cannot be widened. Traffic-flow models can indicate where parking spots should be turned into lanes. (So we can park at each space for 2 minutes all the way home…)
3. Green lanes:  Special lanes should be created for electric cars, providing an incentive for their use.
4. Digital twins:  Digital modeling can create an entire “twin” of existing roadways. The software is “an extremely useful thought tool in the hands of transport engineers.” (Nothing here about fixing the potholes, huh?)

Elon Musk had a really good day last week. Good to the tune of almost $2 billion. With Tesla’s shares surging 16%, Musk’s net worth increased by $1.7 billion, to about $32 billion. The 49-year-old Tesla CEO, who owns nearly 22% of the electric vehicle maker’s stock, is currently listed as the 28th-richest person in the world. He also has an estimated $12.5 billion stake in SpaceX, his privately held aerospace company. Musk’s fortune has increased by more than $10 billion since The Forbes 400 list of richest Americans was published in October. If Tesla can sustain its $100 billion market cap, he stands to get even richer, thanks to a $346 million pay package tied to the stock’s performance.
(But you have to ask yourself: Even with all that money, is he really happy? And, of course, the answer is “YES!”)
(Man, I hope he’s never involved in a scandal. I’ve just got a feeling that “Elongate” would be really drawn-out!)

If just the thought of the 9 to 5 grind leaves you feeling anxious and uptight, you might want to look into the magic power of plants. And I’m not taking about the kind of plant that might have just popped into your head. Researchers at the University of Hyogo in Japan have found that having a common houseplant on your desk can significantly reduce your workplace stress levels. The experiment measured workers’ pulse rates during two three-minute breaks in the workday: One while looking at and/or caring for a plant on their desk, and one without a plant present. Workers’ pulse rates were significantly lower during the break with the plant than without. The researchers concluded that “having opportunities to gaze intentionally at nearby plants on a daily basis in the work environment can reduce the psychological and physiological stress of office workers.” Although several studies have found psychological and physiological benefits of maintaining indoor plants, this appears to be the first to focus solely on the workplace.
(Yeah, that’s what I need – a new responsibility for when I’m on break!)
(That’s explains the “potted plants” that I heard [***afternoon guy***] talking about yesterday!)
(The only “green thumb” I’ve ever had was when I dumped out my kale smoothie!)
(I bet you didn’t know that you applied to be ‘plant manager’!)

With more than a few parties scheduled for this weekend, here’s what we really think . . .
☞ 78% of us say that we know immediately upon arriving if we’re going to have a good time.
☞ 63% say that every party we go to has at least one person that we’d like to avoid.
☞ 33% of us say we always ask the host ahead of time who will be there.
☞ 77% say we eat more at a Super Bowl party than we do at Thanksgiving.
☞ 47% of us have left a Super Bowl party early because the food was sub-par.
☞ Just under 50% of us judge Super Bowl party hosts for not having guacamole.

Super Bowl ticket prices are heating up. The average price is $8,904 for tickets to this Sunday’s Super Bowl between the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs in Miami. The price for tickets purchased through Ticketmaster, the official ticketing partner of the NFL, are at their highest level of the last six years, according to the company. The cheapest ticket still available to purchase on the site is currently listed at $4,845. For one. (Now imagine what scalpers are getting…!)


1940 [80] Katharine Ross, Los Angeles CA, movie actress (“The Graduate”, “The Stepford Wives”)

1945 [75] Tom Selleck, Detroit MI, TV actor (‘Frank Reagan’ on “Blue Bloods” since 2010, “Magnum, P.I.” 1980-86)/movie actor (“Three Men & a Baby”)

1954 [66] Oprah Winfrey, Kosciusko MS, TV network mogul (OWN)/TV talk show host (“Oprah” 1986-2011)/movie producer-actress (“Selma”)/magazine publisher (“O”)/“Queen of All Media”

1968 [52] Ed Burns, Queens NY, movie actor (“Saving Private Ryan”)/movie producer-director (“She’s the One”)

1970 [50] Heather Graham, Milwaukee WI, movie actress (“The Hangover” movies, “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”)

1975 [45] Sara Gilbert, Santa Monica CA, TV personality (“The Talk” 2010-19)/TV actress (“Big Bang Theory” 2007-10, “Roseanne” 1988-97, 2018), “The Conners” since 2018)

1977 [43] Justin Hartley, Knoxville IL, TV actor (“This Is Us” since 2016)

1982 [38] Adam Lambert, Indianapolis IN, pop singer (‘Whataya Want from Me’)/2009 “American Idol” runner-up/“Queen + Adam Lambert” singer

1983 [37] Eric Paslay, Abilene TX, country singer (‘She Don’t Love You’, ‘Friday Night’)

• “Corn Chip Day”.  The corn chip is made from cornmeal which is baked or fried in oil.  Although it originated in Mexico, the US patent was granted in 1932.  (***Ask listeners to put a half-dozen in their mouth and whistle a tune***)

• “Curmudgeons Day”, an annual celebration of the crusty, yet insightful, wags who consistently apply the needle of truth to the balloons of hypocrisy and social norms. Celebrated on the birthday of late comedian WC Fields, one of the all-time most beloved curmudgeons.

• “Seeing Eye Dog Day”, commemorating ‘The Seeing Eye’, North America’s first guide dog school which opened in Nashville, Tennessee on this date in 1929.

• “Puzzle Day”, celebrating one of our all-time favorite pastimes. What’s your favorite: Jigsaw or Crossword?

• “National Carnation Day”, this day honors the memory of President William McKinley. The carnation was said to be McKinley’s favorite flower, and he always wore one on his lapel.

[Thurs] Croissant Day
[Thurs] Yodel for Your Neighbors Day
[Fri] Backwards Day
[Fri] Brandy Alexander Day

2009 [11] Kelly Clarkson makes the largest leap to date in “Billboard Hot 100” chart history, rising 96 places to #1 with ‘My Life Would Suck Without You’

2014 [06] Over 100,000 Americans sign a petition to deport Canadian citizen Justin Bieber out of the USA after his arrest for DUI and driving without a valid license (doesn’t happen)

1936 [84] First members of Baseball Hall of Fame announced in Cooperstown NY: Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner, Christy Matthewson, and Walter Johnson

1963 [57] First members of NFL Hall of Fame announced in Canton OH, including Jim Thorpe, Red Grange, and George Halas


✓ Before the Beijing Olympics, Usain Bolt ate 100 Chicken McNuggets a day for 10 days straight and won 3 gold medals.
✓ A white flag is not actually a sign of surrender for boats at sea. It’s just a request to communicate.
✓ Bubbles from a bubble bath thermally insulate the surface of the water, keeping the bath warm for a longer period of time.
✓ The inventor of the fidget spinner surrendered the patent in 2005 because she couldn’t afford the $400 fee to renew it.
✓ We only taste 20% of the salt on potato chips. In response, Lay’s developed a new shape of salt that delivers the same taste using 25% less salt.
✓ A lot of that weird creepy music in horror movies is performed on one unique instrument called a ‘waterphone’.

Best of BS . . .
• Snow Way Out
• SpongeBob SnowPants
• McFlurry
• Meh. It’ll pass
• Cold Yeller
• Fast and the Flurriest
• The Dusting
• Steve
• Blowy McBlowface
• Apocalypse Snow
• Heatwave
-Twitter, first published in BS in 2019

• What was Captain Hook’s name before he got the hook?
• How can one person be “dirt poor”, and another “filthy rich”?
• If Mars had earthquakes, would they be called marsquakes?
• Can you plan a surprise birthday party for a psychic?
• If you speak only one language, are you lingual?
• Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
• How does a real estate company sell its office?
• Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
-CrazyThoughts, first published in BS in 2019


• Which of the following is NOT a type of mushroom?
a. Shaggy Mane
b. Inky Cap
c. Great Kabuki [CORRECT – a wrestler, not a mushroom]
d. Pig’s Ear

• Where would you find your ‘vibrissae’?
a. In your blood
b. In your nose [CORRECT – they’re nose hairs]
c. In your bathroom
d. In your glovebox

• You have what’s called ‘Diastima’. What the heck is it?
a. An eyelid twitch
b. A gap between your front teeth [CORRECT]
c. Webbed toes
d. An awesome baseball card collection
-Bathroom ReadersInstitute, Ranker

I’m a keeper. No, wait . . .that’s not the word. I’m a hoarder.

What happened to you that sounds completely made-up, but is 100% true?

Question:  16% of us have broken up with someone over THIS. What is it?
Answer:  Because they cheered for a different NFL team

One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that someone is happy because of you.


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