Wednesday, July 19, 2006        Edition: #3330
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

TONIGHT, barring any last-minute legal maneuvering, Comedy Central will finally rerun the “South Park” episode “Trapped in the Closet”, that pokes fun at Tom Cruise and Scientology and had been shelved due to Cruise’s protestations (hey dude, you could always unveil Suri as a distraction maybe?) . . . With former “Til Death Do Us Part” stars Carmen Electra & Dave Navarro splitting after almost 3 years of marriage, it makes you wonder – is there some kind of MTV jinx? (somebody ask Nick Lachey) . . . CBS-TV is trying a new vehicle for advertising – putting promotional slogans (ie: “CSI: Crack the Case on CBS”) on egg cartons alongside the expiration date (‘eggvertising’ was actually first used in Britain several years ago – but that was right on the eggshell!) . . . The MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) is offering to keep parents informed about the content of the latest movies through ‘Red Carpet Ratings’, a weekly e-mail that provides a list of new releases, their ratings & reasons for them (FYI parents – kids often don’t go to the movie they say they’re attending, or even the same one in the multiplex that they paid for) . . . A casting call has gone out in Calgary & Edmonton for about 100 actors who’ll be hired to help train Canadian soldiers in a mock Afghan town to be set up at CFB Wainwright THIS FALL (now that’d be a reality show worth watching!) . . . Actor Matthew McConaughey has put his beloved 1971 Corvette up for auction on eBay (quote – “You feel the horsepower in your backside”) and will donate all proceeds to hurricane relief (guess he heard what they say about guys who drive ‘Vettes) . . . Actor Eddie Murphy & new love Mel Brown (ex-Spice Girls) are said to be so smitten, they’ve been inked with tattoos of each other’s name – hers on a hip, his somewhere else (a recent survey finds most couples who do this regret it within 3 months) . . . Wow, this really is “Hell’s Kitchen” – foul-mouthed TV chef Gordon Ramsay is recovering after a kitchen assistant on the set of his UK show accidentally splashed boiling hot stock into his eye (after taking guff from this guy all day, it’s a wonder she didn’t follow it with a steak knife) . . . And word has it that an episode scheduled for the next season of “Law & Order” will focus on, quote – ‘tabloids, drugs, stalkerazzi & a young superstar whose lack of parenting skills might lead to murder’ (hmm, any car seat mishaps?).

• Barry Manilow – Remember the Sydney, Australia suburb that’s using the so-called ‘Manilow Effect’ (playing his tunes on loud speakers) to drive loitering teens away from a park? Well, it’s working … maybe too well. The kids are gone, but now Rockdale residents are crying uncle, saying the incessant bombardment is driving them nuts. The local council has agreed to turn the volume down.
• Franz Ferdinand – They’ll soon be rolling up new royalties as their 2005 hit “Do You Want To” will be used for a new L’Oreal hair products ad campaign.
• Jessica Simpson – TODAY she appear on MTV’s “Total Request Live” to unveil her new 1980s-themed video, “A Public Affair”. Directed by Brett Ratner (“X-Men: The Last Stand”), it was partly shot at an LA roller rink, with cameos from Eva Longoria, Christina Applegate, Christina Milian and …. aghh! … Ryan Seacrest.
• Kellie Pickler – The 20-year-old  Albemarle NC native is the latest “American Idol 5” finalist to sign a recording contract; hers with Nashville-based BNA Records. Her first country single is due in SEPTEMBER. Think she can compete with Carrie Underwood’s success?
• Los Lonely Boys – TONIGHT they guest on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).

• ‘Click Fraud’ – Websites get paid a commission each time someone clicks on their advertising links so website owners have discovered they can generate money for themselves by repeatedly clicking the ads on their own sites. In another form of ‘click fraud’, advertisers continually click the ads of their rivals in order to drain their marketing budgets. Advertisers are beginning to demand better protection and/or refunds.
• ‘Door People’ – A new term replacing ‘bouncers’ as the traditional name for nightclub security. One reason is that increasingly more clubs are hiring women, because they seem to be better at settling disputes verbally without fisticuffs.
• ‘Memory Spot‘ – A new mini memory chip the size of a grain of rice developed by Hewlett Packard that holds a half-megabyte of content. That’s enough to add sound to photos, vacation videos to postcards, or to allow a wristband to carry its wearer’s full medical records. The micro-dots are expected to cost less than a dollar when they go into production.

UAE-based Dubai Aerospace Enterprise is planning to develop superfast airports that will revolutionize air travel. The new airports will feature tracers and communication systems to sense arriving passengers, then track them and their luggage right onto their flights, making the bottleneck of check-in lines a thing of the past. The company claims today’s airports were designed for a different time and it hopes to improve on them with passenger-friendly terminals. (OK, how about parking under 50 bucks?)
– “GQ”

The robot invasion is about to arrive. The Ministry of Information & Communication in South Korea has announced that ‘Robotic Helpers’ will be available to 1,000 homes and 40 nursery schools in and around Seoul this SEPTEMBER. The ‘bots will help tidy up, care for pets, detect intruders and even read to their humans. They will be able to navigate on their own but will rely on remote control for some tasks. (“Are you deaf, Bot? I said clean the flippin’ toilet!”)
– “New Scientist”

Santa Monica CA-based Movielink, which currently has deals with major studios to permit its customers to legally download movies onto their computers, is now making software available on its website that will allow those movies to be securely copied onto DVDs. The Sonic Solutions software contains copy-protection codes that prevent a customer from making multiple copies. Analysts think the software will help Movielink compete more effectively with real-world DVD retailers. (Eventually we’ll have a 300-inch plasma PC/TV and never have to leave the sofa, let alone home.)
– “Contact Music”

• In Norway, a vacationing bus driver was in the outhouse of his cabin at Rygge when he heard a gigantic explosion. Nope, it wasn’t that – it was a meteorite landing, the 14th ever recorded in Norway and the closest ever to a human. Ragnar Martinsen donated the tiny pieces of rock from outer space that he found sprinkled around his cabin to astronomers.
• In Britain, a housewife who won $1.8 million on a TV game show says she’ll use some of her winnings – to buy land on the Moon. 31-year-old Sarah Lang is an avid “Star Trek” fan and thinks a Moon plot might be worth something in a few years. Duh! How’d she ever win a quiz show?
• In Australia, a Sydney judge has fined a man nearly $19,000 for attempting to smuggle bird eggs from endangered species out of the country – in his underwear. Wayne Floyd was caught with the cockatoo eggs while attempting to board a flight to Bangkok (we’re not making this up). He claimed he intended to surprise his girlfriend with them. Hey pal, next time just stuff in some socks!
• In Germany, a ‘working girl’ who’s been walking the streets of Koblenz for nearly a half-century is being featured in a tourism film. Brigitte, a blonde who claims to be in her 60s, will appear in the short promotional video for the city alongside other local celebrities. Hope they don’t forget local wino ‘Paper-Bag Pete’.
• In Japan, engineers at the Tokyo Institute of Technology have built an airplane that runs on nothing but AA batteries – 160 of them to be precise. The 97-lb craft with a 101-foot wingspan traveled 1,283 feet during a 1-minute test. Wow, at that rate you could be in Hawaii in just under 7 years … if your batteries didn’t die.

Virgin Galactic, the commercial spaceline owned by Brit billionaire Richard Branson has sold out its first tourist sub-orbital space flight planned for 2008. Customers will spend 15 minutes in space with 5 minutes of weightlessness. Among the 150 passengers that have coughed up $200,000 apiece – actress Victoria Principal, designer Philippe Starck, “Superman Returns” director Bryan Singer, and an unidentified ‘senior member of a royal family’ (oh please, let it be Prince Charles … on a one-way fare.).

Soon it will be easier to distinguish between muscle and beer-belly. South Korean electronics manufacturer Samsung has developed a device that reveals the amount of body fat in a person. The mobile gizmo has 4 electrodes that the user touches with the thumb and a finger of each hand. These send a safe current throughout the body, measuring the voltage drop as the current flows up one arm and down the other. (That’s just to divert your attention while the researcher looks down at the bathroom scales you’re standing on.)

“Man, if I can get a burp out of that little thing I feel such a sense of accomplishment.”
– Actor Brad Pitt, who’s seemingly enjoying his new gig as dad to baby Shiloh.


1947 [59] Brian May, Hampton UK, classic rock guitarist (Queen-“Bohemian Rhapsody”)/songwriter who collects royalties each time “We Will Rock You” is played at a sports event  FACTOID: “We Will Rock You” is also the name of the stage musical based on Queen music that ran in London’s West End 2002-06 (and is said to be coming to Toronto)

1960 [46] Atom Egoyan, Cairo, Egypt, Toronto-based film director (“Where the Truth Lies”, “The Sweet Hereafter”)/4-time “Cannes Film Festival” winner/7-time “Genie Award” winner/Order of Canada (1999)

1971 [35] Urs Buhler, Willisau, Switzerland, pop/operatic singer (Il Divo-“Time of Our Lives”, “Mama”)

1982 [24] Jared Padalecki, San Antonio TX, TV actor (‘Sam Winchester’ on “Supernatural”)

“Flitch Day”, based on a custom begun in the 15th century in which monks offered a ‘flitch’ or side of bacon as a prize to any married couple who could prove they had lived together in harmony and fidelity for the past year. Very few ‘took home the bacon’. (None named ‘Electra’ or ‘Navarro‘.)

1961 [45] TWA (Trans World Airlines) shows the first-ever ‘In-Flight Movie’ (“In Love Possessed”, starring Lana Turner & Efrem Zimbalist Jr)

1995 [11] “Clueless” starring Alicia Silverstone opens in movie theaters (soon each & every high school female begins each & every sentence with ‘Like ….’)

1996 [10] Celine Dion sings “The Power of the Dream” at opening ceremonies for the “Atlanta Summer Games”, largest in the Olympics’ 100-year history with 197 nations participating

1695 [311] 1st ‘Personal Ad’ looking for a spouse is printed (“Single white bi Pilgrim seeks …”)

1985 [21] 7′-10″ George Bell of Durham NC wins title of ‘Big Foot’ with his size 28.5 shoe

1994 [12] ‘Largest Bubble-Gum Bubble’ measures 23 inches in diameter (Fresno CA)

[Thurs] Moon Day
[Thurs] Ugly Truck Day
[Thurs] Special Olympics Day
[Thurs-July 29] Edmonton’s Capital Ex
[Fri] Junk Food Day
[Sat] Hammock Day
[Sat] Rat Catcher’s Day
[Sat] 69th All-American Soap Box Derby (Akron OH)
This Week Is … Space Week
This Month Is … Tahiti Awareness Month


Ask listeners or guests for the name and zodiac sign of their cats. Then give ‘em one of these ‘special readings’ for that sign …
• Stubborn? You? Surely they jest. Just because you went on a hunger strike for 4 days when they introduced the ‘diet’ kitty food is no reason to suggest that you are ‘stubborn’.
• Have you ever tried to eat a mouse? Of course not. Any feline knows a mouse is just a toy, only it’s alive. And really, your humans should be pleased that you share your toys … in their bed … at 3 in the morning.
• Today you must show your human who’s boss. When she asks some nonsensical question like “Who’s the poodsy woodsy?”, simply turn your back and give her the tail.
• Today you must do something about your hairball problem. If your human hasn’t noticed, you must take action by leaving one in an appropriate place … such as a favorite shoe or slipper.
• Organization is an absolute must in your life. Let’s get your schedule in order – 6am wake-up owner for breakfast, 7am wash self, 7:30am nap … for the rest of the day. One needs one’s beauty rest.
• Don’t count on things running smoothly at home. Ease your tension by lowering your expectations, and scratching the sofa … but do it on the back where no one will see you.
• Relationships that you are nurturing will take a turn for the better. Sleeping on your human’s head is important because that’s where they lose a lot of body heat. You wouldn’t want him to catch cold, would you?
• Take a second look at your life, puss. Are you the center of your human’s universe? If not, it may be time to adopt another house. Lonely older neighbors are great for visiting and they tend to have real cream. Go make friends!

• In an effort to get more people out to the polls, the state of Arizona is considering a ‘Voting Lottery’ in which a $1-million grand prize is handed out to a single voter selected at random. Good idea that might help justify the exorbitant cost of holding an election? Or should voting just be a civic duty we all perform automatically?
• These days taxes and fees on air travel add up to almost as much as the actual airfare. The European Union is looking at legislation that would force airlines to advertise ‘all-in’ fares that include all taxes, charges & fees, so passengers aren’t shocked by the bottom line. Great idea, right? What other products should be sold that way? Cars? Homes?

• I try to daydream … but my mind keeps wandering.
• Well, I see the cost of living has gone up another 10 cents a litre …
• Has he got body art? He just needs one more hole punched in his card before he gets a free tat at Miami Ink.

Today’s Question: Fully a third of us cannot perform this seemingly simple physical function.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Snapping our fingers.

The beginning is always today.

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